Cold Devotion | ✔️

Chapter Thirty-Nine

I return back to Colton's bedroom to find the space unoccupied. No doubt he is probably stuck in another meeting of sorts with his father, planning and plotting - what he does best. 

I find myself standing by the nightstand, my hands practically itching to feel the notebook. To feel the soft leather on my fingertips. I want nothing more than to read the letter, read the words that I am sure will take my breath away but I am scared.

So scared. Why, I am not sure.

Maybe it's because I am afraid that this will change everything. That my vision of who Colton is, truly, will change... but this is what I want, isn't it? To see the real him. 

Slowly, my shaky hands reach for the handle of the drawer. Pulling it open, my eyes meet with the soft blue cover of the diary. My heart pounds wildly in my chest as I reach for it, my fingers brushing against the smooth material. 

This is what I want, I want to read it. 

Without another thought, I close my hand around the journal and cradle it in my arms as I walk over to the bed - perching on the edge. I flicker to the last entry. The day I was at the house on Henry Way. I was a whole entire different person back then.

I had mistaken my love for Colton as pure malice. I was so in denial about my feelings towards him that I fuelled them into hate and anger. It was justifiable though, Colton wasn't one of the kindest people I had ever come across upon meeting him.

It feels like another lifetime where I would bicker relentlessly with him, where he would constantly push me around and call me names. 

I never knew I could hate someone with so much passion but the hate quickly turned to love.

I finger through the pages until I find writing that I know for a fact is not mine. The writing is beautiful and endless. So many words, so many feelings. 

I take a deep breath before my eyes land on the first word. 

I want nothing more than to show you how much I love you. To show you so badly - that I can barely breathe. But I want you to know that it's going to take time to show you just how much. And it's not because you are not worthy of my love or because I do not trust you, it's quite the opposite. You are worthy of all of the love in the world, of the love of every soul in existence. If anything I am not worthy of you, of your soul that quite literally outshines the brightness of the sun. It is because I am so in love with you that it scares the hell out of me. It is because I have never allowed myself to ever love someone before, or even consider the notion of love. I've always been denied the luxury of having someone, until you. I had always thought that love was for the weak and I still do think so. I am weak... weak for you, your smile, your laugh, the way your eyes light up. I am utterly defenceless against you, against my feelings for you. You take away every inch of darkness that covers this world, you have warmed my cold soul and kept it as your own. You have stolen my heart and I wish for you to never give it back. It is yours to keep, to do as you wish with. Even if you decide to break my heart, to shatter it into smithereens. It was only and ever will be yours to break. I wish I knew how you made me fall so completely and utterly in love with you with a single look. I wish I knew why I crave your touch so much, why your hand is the one thing I never want to let go of, why your laugh is the one thing I never want to stop hearing, why your lips are the one thing I never want to forget the feeling of kissing. I wish I knew why this one girl, who I declared that I had hated, has now turned into the one person I will love for the rest of eternity. All I know is that I fell for you blindly, I fell for you without warning. I fell unbelievably and undeniably in love with you Rose Waterstone and I will never be able to recover. I want to be the only person you will ever love, I want to be the person you turn to, the person you trust. I want to be everything you need and more. I want to give you the life you yearn for, the happiness you deserve. I want to touch every inch of your skin, I want to learn every detail about you, I want to show you my love for you. I want to do all of this and more. With you and only you. I know that I have treated you so poorly, that I have done things that make you resent me just that little bit more. But I am sorry... I am so sorry my love. I hate myself for the things I did to you, for the way I treated you, for the things I called you. I will forever be in your debt and at your mercy. I would rather pierce my own chest with a blade than do you so wrongly again. All we have is time and I plan on spending every moment of it with you, making up for all of my wrong doings and showing you the love that you deserve.