secret benefits // bucky barnes x female reader

-23

you had a nightmare again. you were screaming and shouting. kicking and boxing. suddenly someone held you tight. you woke up, sweaty as hell and out of breath. you looked down and saw a metal arm holding you tightly.

"are you ok y/n?" he asked you softly. this is the first time he helps me after the very first time. you nodded. he smiled at you and shortly after he started to walk towards the door you stopped him.
"wait" he looked back at you
"can you sleep here tonight?" you asked quietly. he smiled and nodded as he laid next to you slowly. your back was facing him so you turned around. you both locked eyes and stayed like that for a while.
"thank you" you whispered and fell asleep shortly after.

as you woke up, bucky was not there anymore. you stood up and looked for him but he obviously went back to his room. you took a shower and got ready. you put on some shorts and a hoodie and made your way downstairs. your scar was showing very obviously since your shorts were very short but you didn't care at all because the avengers were already used to it and you too. you were never ashamed of it.

you arrived at the first floor and greeted everyone. you sat down on the couch where thor, wanda, sam and peter sat and waited for the breakfast. "y/n can you watch the breakfast please?" tony shouted from the kitchen "coming" you stood up and walked into the kitchen. "i'll be back in 10 minutes" he said and walked out.

you were casually making the breakfast as yesterday came up in your mind. the kiss between bucky and me yesterday was different than the other kisses. it felt right. you were smiling the whole time at the thought. wait. he wanted to talk with me about something didn't he?! your smile quickly dropped. suddenly bucky entered the kitchen made himself a coffee. "oh wow i just thought about you" you said. why the fuck would you say that y/n.

"oh really?" he smirked as he leaned against the kitchen counter and took a sip from his coffee. "yeah you wanted to talk with me about something." his smirk dropped. "yeah right"

"so what is it?" you turned around from the food, facing him now. he was hesitating. "are you ok bucky?" you asked, concerned. "yeah it's just.." he hesitated again. "stop hesitating buck. tell me." you said and crossed your arms. "y/n.. i know you said you wanted to tell us when you're ready but i just can't keep this shit off my mind. i need to know what i did to you. what did i do to make you hate me so much?!" he sounded really concerned and i think his voice was cracking a bit. "bucky i don't know.." he interrupted you
"please. y/n. this shit is driving me insane"

"i can't." you walked out of the kitchen. he followed you. "oh so you're pulling this card now? ok. go on. be the mysterious slut we all know." he definitely regretted what he just said. you turned around quickly. you both were next to the kitchen table now and everyone probably hears and sees you guys.
"you want to know it so bad?!"
he stayed quiet
"here. this is what made me hating you so much." you left up your foot pointing on your scar and placed it on a chair next to you. "it's the worst physical pain i've ever felt in my whole life." you saw his speechless face trying to say something but nothing came out.

"y/n i-" you interrupted him.
"no bucky please. i know you weren't yourself at the time but i just couldn't live with the trauma. i didn't wanna tell you about it because i knew that you would feel bad but i can live with it now." you put your leg on the ground again and walked over to the couch. you sat on it and let a big sigh out. "are you ok?" wanda asked. "yeah it's just-"
"we heard everything." sam interrupted you. you nodded slowly and looked down. there was an awkward silence the whole time until tony called us to come eat.

bucky sat on the opposite of you and you tried so hard not to look at him. everyone was quiet until tony broke it. "ok what is going on here?! is my food burnt?!"

wanda was right beside him and whispered something into his ear. you assumed that she told him about what i told bucky earlier because of his face expression after.
"ok no i'm not doing this." you stood up and walked to the elevator. you pushed your back against the elevator wall and slowly sat down. you put your head in your hands and regretted telling bucky about it in THIS way.

first you were indeed terrified by him but you could live by that now. most of the time you even forgot about it but something always reminded you. you felt so many emotions running through you. 'the worst physical pain i've ever felt in my life' you really shouldn't have said that. as the elevator door opened you rushed into your room and locked the door. you sat on your bed in silence, not even moving a bit for maybe about an hour now. you heard a knock a few minutes ago but you didn't completely comprehend it. you were drowned in your thoughts.

bing. you got a notification on your phone.

asshole: please open the door.

you stood up and wanted to open the door but you hesitated at first. you were scared as what is going to happen after you open that door. you took a deep breath and opened it. bucky was standing there and just passed you and sat on your bed. "uhm, ok?" you whispered.

"why didn't you tell me" he asked as he shoved his weight of his body from front to back whilst sitting on your bed.
"i'm not terrified of you bucky" you said
"yeah but you still hate me." you kept quiet.

"listen bucky im really bad at this showing feelings thing but i'm sorry. i'm deeply sorry. i didn't want you to find out this way and i definitely didn't want to-"

"are you fucking serious right now?" he interrupted you. you looked confused. "why are YOU apologizing to ME? i was the one who hurt you." he said angrily.
"no. stop. YOU didn't hurt me bucky. the winter soldier did." his eyes widened a bit.
"but guess what? he doesn't exist anymore." you said and laid your hand on his knee.

"can we please just forget it? i really didn't want you to find out this way because i knew that you would react like that. i'm sorry." you said.
"stop apologizing y/n." he said under his breath.

"i'm scared of him" he whispered.
"who do you mean buck?"

he looked up at you
"the winter soldier."
you were kind of shocked. the fear in his eyes made your heart shatter. you just pulled him into a tight hug, hoping that it would comfort him. "there's nothing to be afraid of buck. as i said, he doesn't exist anymore." you tried to comfort him which seemed to work a little bit.
"i'm sorry y/n. please forgive him. i don't think he meant it like that" you saw that he was genuinely sorry.
"already forgotten."

you pulled away again.
"just work on that attitude a bit and then maybe i won't hate you" you said sarcastically. you both chuckled and stood up to leave. bucky went into his room and you went downstairs to eat something since you didn't have breakfast properly.