Dreamland Review Archive

Prototech (T)

Doesn't make sense, right? So it's dependant. Dependant clauses do not require a comma before 'and'. So it's that simple! As you can see above, independent clauses require a subject and verb. So when you take out the subject ('I') in the second example, that makes it dependant. So you can switch around the sentence if you want.

So I've taken this example from your writing just to clarify:

'The middle seat was for gear, and not for sitting, though he...'

No comma is needed here, for the two clauses are dependant, since that second clause can't stand alone. Correction:

'The middle seat was for gear and not for sitting, though he...

That is the only issue I found, and I only found it a handful of times in five chapters. So that's pretty incredible. For all I know, you are well-versed in these rules and those times were just spelling errors.

As for spelling errors, you don't have many. I noticed a few typos and a few times when I questioned a dialogue tag. I say questioned because they could've been action tags, but they leaned closer to a dialogue tag in my eyes. So they're not wrong, but you might want to review them. You miss a question mark sometimes also. Check for those.

Speaking of dialogue tags, you've got those down! Lovely. It's always wonderful to read a story that is free of issues with punctuation. I can see the work you've put in.

Continuing with logistics, I'd like to point out your lack of capitalization on positions of power such as 'general'. This varies depending on where you're from. So if you're from the States, the word 'general' is not capitalized unless you type out the title in the form of a name, such as 'General Adam' or 'Captain Rouse', as you use. So if you're from the States, you're doing it right. However, the States–in my opinion–does it wrong. Because to be honest, it doesn't really make sense that way. When you say 'the general', you are still referring to that specific title, so it should be capitalized, as is the rule in Canada (where I'm from) and the U.K and most of the world. You are not required to stick to the rules of your country, you're only responsible for being consistent with your choices. I'd recommend sticking to the Canadian rule: capitalize the title of the position as long as it refers to a specific person. Examples below:

Ex. 1 – 'The General looked at me.'

Here, you a referring to the specific person, the general. Capitalization is required in Canada. Not in the States.

Ex. 2 – 'General Adam looked at me.'

Here, you are using the title in the name. Capitalization is required in all countries.

Ex. 3 – 'In most cases, a general is a powerful position.'

Here, you are not referring to a specific general, but rather the position. Capitalization is not used here in any country.

So it boils down to the first example. I like the Canadian way, because to me it makes more sense. But you are responsible for picking what you want. And you haven't made any mistakes in this area, I just thought I'd bring it to your attention and advise you to switch to the Canadian way. Maybe I'm biased. Whatever. That's my recommendation.

13/15

Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)

For the most part, I didn't like your transitions. I found this perfect range of calm and action in the first chapter, but then it didn't end with a bang. Granted, you have a lot going on in the first chapter. I love that; I think it makes way for advanced readership. However, people don't like that on Wattpad. Just something to keep in mind.

But I don't like how you ended the first chapter. You had the proposal and then it was a timeskip. I think the timeskip should be a new chapter. It seemed very natural that way. Plus, the spot after the timeskip was very short.

However, I like the length of your chapters. You struggled a bit with transitions that made your story a little wonky, but those are easy to fix. When a major event happens, I'd say it's safe to end the chapter. I have some chapters that push four thousand words, and others that barely make two hundred. That's part of the fun. Keep them guessing.

But pacing–you excel there. Your action is written crazily perfect. There's just enough going on to be exciting but not so much that I get lost. I did feel like the story moved a bit fast in the first chapter, but it calmed down after that. I would rework the ending to that first chapter and consider putting the proposal in the second chapter as well. But that's not a huge problem. It was just a thought.

And more on story flow: you have a few run-on sentences. I put those here in pacing rather than logistics because I found them to be correct grammar most of the time. Here, from the first chapter:

'He had bought it from a haji shop, and I had put it on my dog tags after agreeing to marry him in the spur of the moment after the incident in the cave, but I told him not until we got back to the States.'

So there's no actual grammar problems here, but the flow of that sentence and others disrupt the story significantly. I've tried to fix it up below:

'He had bought it from a haji shop, and I had put it on my dog tags after agreeing to marry him. But that decision had been in the spur of the moment after the cave incident, and I had told him not until we got back to the states.'

So here I just split it up and tried to take out some filler words. I think it flows a bit better. You should comb through your chapters one more time to catch some of these.

7/10

Description: (characters & scenes)

I find your descriptions annoyingly perfect. You introduce small aspects of the characters as you go, and you never info-dump descriptions. Your characters become beautifully vivid in my mind and develop so wonderful. Solid five out of five here.

Scenes are maybe a tad less perfect. I find you often miss out on sensory details such as texture, taste and smell. That's quite common. I think an author truly creates a perfect story when descriptions relate to emotional connections. You do this a little, but I think you could do it more. But still very good. I find myself immersed in your story.

8/10

Originality: (plot & tone)

Your plot is easily one of the coolest and most developed I've come across on Wattpad. I love the development and how you throw us right into this world. Unique and comforting in the sense that I can relate to the characters and understand their feelings. Wonderful job coming up with this story.

Although your tone is very clear and beautiful, those run-on sentences I mentioned take away from the flow of it. But setting that aside, I love how you narrate in a way that is easy to understand but clearly incorporate aspects of the main character into it. I definitely see the originality in both your plot and tone.

9/10

Final Comments:

What an amazing world you're building here! I love how easy your story is to be immersed in and how much effort you've put into writing it. I see a few grammar and spelling hiccups, as well as some run-on sentences and issues with transitions. These are easy fixes, and will allow your story to grow should you choose to fix them. I wish you luck with this story and believe it will go far. It has the potential!

Final score:

49/60