Eccedentesiast | Lucas Wong

Chapter 45 ;)

Your POV;

"Baby!" Lucas yells from downstairs. "My love! Come down, we really need to go." He urges you to get ready faster once again.

"I'm coming!" You reply while dashing around the bathroom, stuffing all your makeup items in the trolley and dusting the imaginary dirt of your clothes. Checking yourself in the mirror once again, insecurities taking over completely.

It's one of those days.

The past two weeks with Lucas back from tour, included a lot, but when I say a lot, I mean a lot of crazy sex and a lot of cute indoor dates with the help of your friends. Chaeryoung calls it the "honeymoon fase" but you just call it a healthy relationship.

You've been silently planning parts of the future together and without it being said out loud, it's been almost a year now since you met, and both of you know and realised, that the past year was one crazy rollercoaster, but the finish line consisted of you being together, which makes all the pain and emotions endurable and worth it.

And it is, because besides the fuckboy vibe that Lucas holds while being around others and when he dominates you, he is the softest and sweetest bean ever. And every day, you discover new parts of him, making you only fall deeper and deeper in love with the boy who is already claimed as yours.

But sometimes you stumble across one of those days. One of those days in which you feel like you're not good enough. One of those days that make you look at yourself in disgust. Only seeing negatives and the dark side of things. One of those days in which dark thoughts consume your brain and solutions seem to be floating away in the thick, heart clenching air. One of those days which seem to never end and keep you locked up in anguish and fear. One of those days in which you rather give up than fight. Because all strength seems to have left your body.

And precisely, on the first day of your new job, life said "fuck you" and decided to make you suffer in self hate.

You're standing in front of the mirror, looking over your body, picking out the wrong parts, your eyes seem dull, your eyebrows are uneven, your lips are lacking colour, your shoulders are limping, you posture is off, your arms are to thick, your breast need to be pushed up to look pretty, the tight pants are emphasising your thick and fat hips, your thighs are to fleshy, you have a lack of muscles and your knees are x-shaped, your ankles are swollen and your feet are skewed.

Silent tears start rolling down your face, while your thoughts make the suffering pain worse. The dreadful feeling of not being worthy, not being good enough and not being the way people want you to be. The feeling of not meeting their expectations. It's painful, suffocating. It makes giving up, hurting and leaving seem as solutions, which they are not, but you just can't help it.

You crouch down in front of the full-body length mirror and clutch your head in agony. The horrific thoughts drowning out all surrounding noises, forming a murmur of voices, bringing you down, making your head ache in piercing cries of pain.

Which is what you do, cry out in pain, scream for the thoughts to stop because you just can't take it. "Why am I not perfect" "Why can't I be happy" "Why me". The thoughts keep floating inside your brain making the pain worsen. "Help." You whimper a soft cry for help, inaudible because of the loud sobs and painful groans leaving your lips.

"Star! Are you okay? Where are you?" Lucas's voice beams trough your brain, pushing down all the negative feelings with his warm soothing deep voice. You hear his steps on the stairs and a door opening, followed by a gasp from the boy standing in the doorway.