Dear Sirius...

Part 3

November third arrives all too soon. The house has become cold. The sound of laughter died the day Sirius was forcefully taken. Remus Apparated to the house the day after everyone was taken from us.

    I sit at the kitchen table while Remus makes me a cup of tea. The kitchen is still in the messy state from Sirius’s melt down, then mine shortly after. My mind replaying the events, trying to think of something that I could’ve done differently. Of something that maybe I was missing.

    Remus sets a cup of tea down in front of me. I gently reach out for it, oblivious to everything going on. Then something inside clicks. Peter was acting jumpy all day on the 30th. Then it happens that there is only a finger left?

    “Remus,” I say. He looks up at me with a worried eye. This is the only time I’ve spoken since he got here. “Are we sure Peter is dead?”

    “Layla,” he softly says. “Sirius killed him. I don’t know why but it was wrong of him.”

    “You believe what they are saying about him?” I ask, trying to hide my shaky voice.

    “He was the Secret Keeper, Layla,” he says. “He was the one who let Voldemort in to kill Lily and James. Peter must’ve got in his way, so Sirius took care of him.”

    I sip from my tea, waiting for Remus to calm down a little bit.

    “I don’t believe Peter is dead,” I whisper.

    Remus’s eyes snap to mine. “You’re not going to waste your life on this are you?” he asks me.

    “It’s not wasting my life,” I say defensively.

    “You have a godson who needs you! You can’t go off and do some - Who knows what you’re thinking!”

    “I’m sure Harry would be fine at the Dursleys.”

    “That’s not what you promised Lily and James!”

    “I need Sirius!”

    “No you don’t! He is gone! He isn’t coming back, Layla!” Remus has tears in his eyes. “If you don’t accept that, you’re going to waste away in this house. Not knowing Harry, or moving on. I’m not going to sit here and watch you slowly kill yourself.”

    I look away from him. Tears threatening to leave my eyes. I know what he is talking about is true. Sirius was their Secret Keeper. The only person who would know exactly where they live. Which was not the house that we went to during get togethers. What doesn’t make sense is how much Sirius hates Voldemort, but then he goes and gives away a secret? He loved James and Lily, he wouldn’t do that.

    “Go get Harry,” Remus says.

    I stand up from the table and walk out of the kitchen. I’m not getting Harry, at least not today. I’m too much of a mess to deal with a baby. I will eventually find him at his aunts and uncles, but just not today…

    I walk upstairs to my room, shutting the door closed behind me. I walk over to the window and stare out at the setting sun. Wishing for Sirius to be home. Tears stream down my face.

    Remus lost his friends - his best friends - but I lost my best friends and my husband all within the same night. Remus must think that moving on is good for the soul, which it is, but you have to give yourself the time to grieve or you won’t ever be the same person.

    I walk over to the nightstand and grab out a parchment and quill. Sitting down on Sirius’s side of the bed I softly start writing out a letter that will never find its way to Sirius.

    Dear Padfoot

    Today is your birthday. We were going to celebrate it with everyone, have a little cake. I put little paw prints in icing for you. Today was supposed to be the best birthday of your life, but instead you’re celebrating it in Azkaban. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop them. It’s my fault for not thinking quicker, or waking up in time for us to run. If it helps, I don’t believe you did it… You would never sell out Lily and James to Voldemort… right? I love you Sirius, more than you know. And if it takes me a decade, I will find Peter Pettigrew and clear your name. I can’t live without you…

    Forever yours
    Lottie

    I fold the parchment up after the ink dries. The sun has finally gone down. All that was left in the empty feeling of the room. It looks bigger without anyone around to help fill up the space.

    I magick a candle on Sirius’s nightstand. With one flick of my wand the candle lights with a small push of air.

    “Happy birthday to you,” I sing. “Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday dear Sirius… Happy birthday to you...”

    I close my eyes and let the tears fall.