Dear Sirius...

Part 16

A couple months past, winter left us in a blink of an eye. The spring air is trying to change into summer. It was strange not having a Valentine's day or Christmas without Sirius.

I did write him a couple letters for the time being. Telling him all about how lonely he must be.

I try to stay uplifting in them, but sometimes it turns depressing. Some letters are worse than others.

I look outside, the April showers cloud the sun. Remus has been staying with me a lot more lately. The heat at the house got turned off, he couldn't pay the bill anymore.

I tried to give him some money but he wouldn't let me, so I offered him a room here. The only time he goes back is when the full moon is coming.

I've been waiting for Arthur to give me any information that he has on Alyce Carter. I haven't written an owl or anything, figured if he found something he would tell me.

I just feel so hopeless. Really the only thing that's keeping me going right now is writing those letters to Sirius. 

Talking to Remus hasn't been as tense as it was, mostly because I never bring up Peter or Sirius.

I walk into the sitting room, trying to get away from the gloomy outdoors. Remus sitting in a chair across the room, a lamp turned on to light up the words.

He looks up as I take a seat by the fire.

"How are you doing?" he asks me.

"Fine," I say.

"You prepared for May?" he asks. I ignore him, staring at the flames. "Layla?"

"Yeah?" I say looking towards him.

"You're avoiding it," he says.

"Avoiding what?" I ask, annoyance lacing my voice.

"Layla," he says, putting the book down. "You can't be serious?"

He points down towards my stomach. I follow his finger. A baby belly staring back at me. My eyes stinging with unshed tears from memories I don't want to remember.

"What about it?" I snap.

"Do you even have names?" he asks. I look everywhere that he isn't.

"Yes," I said.

“What are they?" he asks.

I look back to him. His eyes bearing into my soul. "Okay fine I don't," I admit. "I may only have one name…"

"That doesn't really help," he says. "You're having twin boys."

"You don't think I know that?"

I look back towards the fire. It's taking everything in my power not to storm upstairs and hide away until I go into labor.

"What's the name?" Remus asks with a sigh.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Regulus Lyall Black," I say. I open my eyes, Remus looks at me sympathetically.

We both go quiet for a moment. I really don’t know what to name my other child. We never discussed that part. It's not like we were expecting twins. I mean I could keep the whole constellation "tradition". Some of those names are pretty, but I'm not sure if Sirius would want to do that.

"May I ask why you are trying to avoid it?" Remus asks.

I look sternly in Remus’s eyes. 

"What am I supposed to say when they ask about their father?" I say. "That he is in Azkaban? For something he didn't do, but everyone else believes he did? Live through all the memories that we both were supposed to live through together?"

I blink back the tears. We were supposed to hear their laughter fill these rooms. The little footsteps playing hide-and-seek. The meltdowns when they didn't get what they wanted. But now I have to watch them have their first steps without him. Their first word. Their laughter.

Everything on my own…

“I know you feel alone,” Remus says, “but you don’t have to do everything on your own.”

I nod my head. Tears finally moving their way down my face. I slowly stand up from the chair, giving Remus a small squeeze on his shoulder.

I should really start accepting the fact that he is going to always be here to help me, even if we don’t see eye to eye on anything right now.

I walk upstairs, this time accepting the fact that I’m going to have twins. It’s not fair to them if they are born to a distant mother. It’s not their fault that the love of my life got taken by the Ministry, that their uncle won’t believe them about their father cause you can bet I’m telling them he is innocent. They are going to need a mother, and I’m going to be there for them.

No matter what.