Dear Sirius...

Part 34

I slowly clean up the mess of the shattered plates. Remus taking the boys upstairs to get away from the glass.

I pick up a sharp piece of glass, staring at it. Why wasn't I paying attention? I shouldn't have dropped the plates. Remus spent hours working on these and I ruined it in a matter of seconds. Just like I always do...

I always end up ruining something. Whether it's through my actions, words, or emotions. I always screw it up.

Remus just wanted to give me something nice, something to take my mind off today.

I wipe away some tears off my cheek with my shoulder.

"Layla," Remus whispers while walking into the room.

"Careful," I added.

Once I had all the bigger pieces picked up, I grab a broom and sweep up the remaining shards.

Remus stared at me with his worried eyes.

"Layla stop," he says, putting his hands on my arms to stop me. "What is going on? You haven't been yourself for months now."

I freeze. He noticed that? Great, add that to another thing that I've done wrong. I can't even hide my feelings correctly.

"Nothing," I said, shrugging him off.

"Layla," he says, "please talk to me!"
"There's nothing to talk about," I said, throwing the broom into the closet.

"Tell me what's going on in your head, I know today is especially difficult but that doesn't mean you can -"

"- Can what?" I cut him off. "Can't get over Sirius? That everytime I look at my own children I see him in them? That every personality trait that is coming to light, I see him? But my own brother doesn't even understand the kind of pain I'm in and he is a bloody werewolf!"

Remus staggers back a little bit at my words. I would feel bad but I already screwed the say up so why stop here?

"You don't mean that, Layla," he said trying to hold back what could only be tears.

"You know what I wish?" I ask. "I wish I ended it the day Sirius was taken -" I grab one of the broken shards and put it to my wrist- "take a blade to my wrists and end it. Because at least then I wouldn't be stuck in this purgatory state!"

Remus holds out his hands, moving closer to me as a sign of innocence.

"Layla," he whispers, his voice cracking just a little bit. "I've been there. Remember the awful things dad would say about me? I wanted to end it too, but I didn't. And you know why? Because I had you to talk to and help me through everything." He grabs the shard and pulls it away from my wrist. "It's my turn to help you."

I look into his eyes. They hold tears around the rims. He is trying hard not to cry.

"I can't do it," I whisper.

"Yes you can," he answers. "You're stronger than everyone I know."

I collapse into his arms sobbing. He wraps his arms tightly around me, the glass shard dropping to the ground breaking into more pieces. But Remus doesn't care, he just wants to help me at this moment.

We slowly slide to the ground, Remus making sure that nothing could harm me on the way down.

"Remus," I breathe out. "I wouldn't have made it a year without you. Thank you, for everything."

"I wouldn't have made it 17 years without you," he whispers.

We both go silent. Crying about two different things but still holding onto the other. Scared that if we let go everything will fall apart on both of us.

"Remus," I say after a while.

"Yeah?" He answers.

"I need to get away for awhile," I said. "I know I shouldn't leave Regulus and Leo, but I need a break."

"I'll take care of them," he said.

I nod my head. I trust Remus with anything and my children are no exception. I know he will never do anything to hurt the ones he loves.