Batboys x Reader

Stab First, Questions Later (Jason Todd x Reader)

Yo, I got writer's block so please excuse some of the quotes which I took from Pinterest. I didn't want to produce crappy content for you guys and they fit with this story. Please don't crucify me, I don't have the emotional capacity. I've just had the worst three days. Anyway, this was requested by @posiedens_daughter and @raven30057 and uses prompt 17 ("It's me! It's me! Calm down, baby, please.")

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(Y/N) POV

The first week after Jason died I found comfort in my own grief. It snuck up on me quietly and took me under its arms in an instant. Every memory played like a song in my head, repeating itself for what seemed like forever. I was lost mostly because I had lost a big part of me. As Bruce fell into depression, I fell into denial. No matter what anyone said, I searched for him. I tricked myself into believing that he was still alive, that it was one of the Joker's sick schemes, a twisted joke to trick Bruce and I. But Bruce has moved on and so should I, it's been long enough. I know I'm never going to find someone like him again. I may find someone better, I may find someone worse, but I'll definitely find someone different. I know that when I find someone who can make me feel as good and Jason did, I should hold onto him as long as possible. But there' a part of me which doesn't want to find someone else, a part of me which is still hung up on Jason. He taught me how wonderful happiness is. Because for every stupid fight we had over nothing, there was a late night car ride spent singing and dancing our hearts out. For every angry text, I sent saying "I'm done," there was always a good morning apology text that reminded me why I cared so much about Jason. I learnt that in a world so judgemental, someone would always look at me without judgement. 

The last four years have been confusing, to say the least. Losing him wasn't just painful, it was damaging. It wasn't me sitting down on a couch surrounded by my friends as we watch movies and ate food to try and forget him. It was me staying up till four in the morning because the thought of him was so strong I couldn't close my eyes without seeing his face. It was me swallowing thickly and blinking back tears every time I was either in public or patrol, the hole in my chest causing my breaths to come out shakey rather than normal. It was me laughing at things for no reason as my stomach turned because the urge of falling apart was getting stronger. It was me crying at random hours during the day and me not wanting to get up out of bed...It was me deleting our conversations and regretting it because now I can't remember what it feels like when he sent me "I love you" texts. But as time passes I notice that it hurts a little less and I think I'm able to finally move on.

Everything familiar to me are multiple cardboard boxes scattered around my apartment. Tomorrow will be the day I'll officially move out of Gotham. I write "fragile" on the side of the current box I'm packing in bold letters and place it near the other fragile ones so I know which boxes I need to take great care of. It feels as if I'm throwing the last remaining memories of Jason away, which has been the current theme throughout the last few years. I'm terrified. But I need to walk out of a life I don't belong in anymore, no matter how hard it is to do so. Well, moving to Bludhaven isn't completely out of the way, but it's far enough...for now. I sigh as my phone buzzes in my pocket, already knowing Bruce needs my assistance in the field. Without another thought, I grab my gear and exit my apartment already mentally preparing myself for the long night ahead.

* A few hours later *

"You can't be serious Bruce!" I exclaim.

I am done with Bruce's crap. My jaw is clamped tightly and my teeth are grinding. As I stand up my chair flies backwards, falling. Bruce, Dick and Tim watch me with as if they are trying to calculate my next move. The need to escape from this suffocatingly dark cave grows stronger within minutes, I know I shouldn't act recklessly in their presence. But this claim that the boys are making...believing that Jason's alive, it can't be true. They'd had to have taken a pretty bad hit to the head to think that it's viable.