𝐒𝐲𝐧 ┃𝐁𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞

32. 𝐷𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝐻𝑒𝑙𝑝 𝑀𝑒

May 8, 2023

Syn

I laid on my back and took a deep breath as I stared up at the ceiling. The crackling fireplace dimly lit the room, creating shadows from the objects around me. My mind ran rampant making shapes out of nothing and each breath I took became more painful than the last as I got more lost in my fucked up head.

I was used to this though. Sleep would become easier after the pills but the journey there would never be an easy one. The only thing that made it bearable was being able to hear Saint sleeping soundly in the room above mine. As long as he was okay, I didn't care much about what I dreamt about. All I knew was that no matter what memories surfaced in my dreams, they would never become a reality for him.

When I thought about him more, it made me wonder about my own parents. Being as in control of myself as I was, it scared even me to wonder what I'd do to the person who even dared to lay a hand on Saint. I'd watch the world burn with me in it before I let him get hurt in any way. From the moment I met him, I knew that, and he wasn't even my blood.

With Xavia...with James...it was the same. There was a parental instinct there that overpowered any and everything in me. It was hard to imagine being without it so it made me think about the two people in my life who should've loved me like that.

My parents.

There was always a distance between my father and me. I didn't know if that was because I wasn't emotionally reachable or because he preferred it that way. Any feelings he had towards me as his son were completely unknown to me until we were at death's door. My mother, however, was an enigma I'd never figure out. When I was a child, I ran to her for everything. It wasn't until I became an adult that I began to see she wasn't exactly perfect, and it wasn't until I saw how Queen was with Xavia and Saint that I knew my mother was truly never a mother.

She didn't want me. Anyone back then that was close enough could see it in her eyes. Sure, she learned to love me over the years as much as she could...but that wasn't enough. Especially considering she abandoned me at every chance she could. First, with Julius...then for Felix...and now, my father and James- who they practically ripped from my custody.

You signed the papers...

"Shit," I cursed myself. That to this day remained one of my biggest regrets. I should've fought more and if I wasn't so weak at that moment, I would've done it. But I can't help thinking that I would've lost a lot more if I did.

After I came back, I didn't know what I expected. I was unfair to almost everyone. For me, moments passed and I was back with the people I loved but they spent years without me. Instead of trying to assume my place back in their lives, I should've taken things slower- reintroduce myself in a way. I wondered what would have changed if I had...

Would I still be here in this bed like I was now?

I rolled my eyes and laid an arm over my head eyes. My mind was being clouded with all my past regrets but I knew there was truly no point in letting myself rehash the past. I didn't have a fucking time machine.

A knock at my door snapped me out of my thoughts and I pinched the bridge of my nose, slowly sitting up. "Come in." I groaned as I ran my hands through my hair tiredly.

The door cracked open and Queen peeked her head inside. "Are you up?" I tilted my head at her and raised a brow as she gave me a shy smile. "Sorry."

"What's going on?"

"Well," she started as she walked into the room, "I got a message from that Drake guy." She waved her phone in the air, nervously keeping a distance between us as she stayed close to the door.