CHARADES (Namjin.)

CHAPTER FIFTY EIGHT.

Jimin.

The warm water cascades down my back, relief washing over me when I feel the knots in my back loosen, my muscles relaxing and by body giving in to the warmth. It unfastens the tension, but it's nothing near enough to relieve me of this day's stress, a life time wouldn't be able to relieve me of this day's stress, this trauma....

My mind has just been swirling with the graven images, ears buzzing with the noise from earlier; the ambulances, the shouting, the crying, and all of it just makes me lightheaded, it makes my vision darken with black spots, my legs to weaken, and that one memory I tend to bury, to flash right before my eyes.

My nails graze tightly on the tiled wall as I feel it coming, and no matter how hard I try I can't stop it, can't divert it or think of anything else. My eyes close once more and I let out a whimper as I unwillingly relive this morning afresh.

He's just lying there, pale, and blue, drowning in his puke. His soft hair just seems dry, his chapped lips cracked, his skin cold. He is lifeless, yet he harbours the most painful expression I have ever seen on anyone. The little world around him is decorated in white and orange pill bottles, different little pills scattered all over the couch, mixed with tissues and other different things that makes the couch, the only place in the room - the most chaotic mess I have ever come across.

I vividly remember my scream, the confusion yet the adrenaline that had ensued within me as I sprung into action. I remember the wait, the noise, the tears and the crowds of people that had come out of their apartments. I remember the ride in the ambulance, and the several prayers that I had muttered as the monitors vigorously beeped around him as they tried to revive him.

I have seen things in this world before, but I have never come across anything as daunting as seeing my friend barely clinging onto life like that. It took a part of me with him, something I don't think I can ever get back. It tore me apart, it still does every second, it's still fresh, and I can't go a minute, can't breathe properly as I think back to it.

It makes me wonder of so many things, think of so many things that could have led him to it. I am definitely one of them, that goes without saying. I played the part, perhaps the biggest role in pushing him to the extremes. I let him, let him live in fantasy, then left him all alone when reality struck.

I wish I could go back, I wish we could turn back time and go back to when none of it was complicated. When I found out about the affair I was surprised, quite frankly disappointed, in not only Hoseok but Jungkook as well. It made me uncomfortable to think I was keeping something as big and as wrong as the two of you them being together, but Hoseok had asked, he had pleaded with me to not do anything drastic. He said he would stop it, he promised me he would find a way to make it right, and I believed him because he was my friend.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I trusted him and Jungkook, trusted their judgement and decisions, I owed them that much of an opportunity to make things right as their friend, but against their better judgement they chose their own path.

It would be easier to say Jungkook led the way, that he did the control, but Hoseok was just as much at fault, he let himself plunge deeper into their desires, dwelling in extreme pleasures that he shouldn't have, hurting their loved ones while simultaneously digging a grave for them.

I wasn't shocked when Seokjin found out, it was bound to happen, soon may I add, but I was worried of what it would do to all of them. I don't know what I thought Hoseok was going to do after, but it sure wasn't harming himself that I thought of.

When he left the office after talking to Seokjin the other day, he stated that he just wanted some space, some alone time, and I gave it to him, I kept my distance knowing well he had to think by himself. Looking back at it, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have left him alone, or to his thoughts. I should have never let this happen to begin with, I thought I was being his friend, but honestly I was just fooling myself and him as well, I let him think that it was ok what he was doing, let him live on with lying and cheating, and when it came crushing he was all alone.