CHARADES (Namjin.)

CHAPTER FORTY FOUR.

Namjoon.

I still do...

It takes him a second to realize and he tenses in my hold after, drawing in a shaky breath. "Joon-ah." He calls in a weak warning, pulling himself off me, much to my disappointment. I am already missing his warmth, his hold, and the familiarity of being this close to him. I've missed him so much, and now that I can fully remember what it's like to have him in my arms, I can't help myself.

Those words just fell right out, out of my heart, urgent, and I don't regret any part of it. I know they are true, they are there. Still sniffling he takes a step back, wrapping his hands around himself, eyes anywhere but me. I don't like it.

"Look at me..." I say, inching closer to bring him to my arms once more but he steps around me, wiping at his eyes and avoiding me at all cost.

"Jin."

"No, no you can't say things like that. I'm not -"

"I know..." I cut him off, clearly aware of what he was going to say. He is not free anymore, not mine to say such things to. He is engaged, to Jeon Jungkook, and although the thought alone makes my blood boil and my heart crush at the same time, he is still correct. I've got absolutely no right to say such things to him. My feelings maybe valid and pure for him, always clear and intended, but that doesn't mean the reverse is the same.

Unlike me he has moved on, he has a new life, one that I just can't invade with my presence. He has a son and he is getting married, and I think that's enough of a signal for me to stay away. I didn't expect anything further after having the talk, I did anticipate his forgiveness, and I was looking forward to things being alright between us, but I didn't think things would just magically work out between us, and we'd be together once more.

But holding him in my arms, that closely, has reminded me of something I've tried to bury deep, it has somehow brought back things that I have tried to conceal, and I've found myself hoping, holding on, and expecting him to feel something in return.

He holds my gaze from the other end of the elevator, hands still around himself, eyes teary. They are also begging me not to do this, not to pry further the things that I can see in him. "Do you love him?" I can't help ask, sounding a little desperate to be honest. I am desperate, and the thought of him with Jungkook and not me, is killing me, I can't help myself. He looks away, before putting on a brave, supposed -to -be determined face.

"Joon-ah -"

"Why are you hesitating?" I am quick to ask, accusing. I can see the fear in his eyes, and his reluctance to talk about this. I don't want to make him uncomfortable, but I need to know, otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with the nagging questions. I can't afford not knowing.

"Do you love him...like you loved me?"

"What does it matter. I am marrying him anyway." He counters, raising his voice. He is growing irritated by the questions, but it's only because there is something there, one we both know of. "He loves me and he cares about me. He the right one."

Perhaps that's true, Jeon loves him, I can tell, he cares about him too, and maybe he is the right one like he says he is, but what does Seokjin feel for him. Is he ecstatic, joyous, at being with him. Is he happy, and euphoric at getting married, and most importantly, does he love him back?

I know Jeon would make him happy, but there is a type of happiness that resides within someone for loving another, and I can tell he doesn't have that, because like me, his heart resides with another. It might be in my head, and I may have convinced myself that I can truly see it in his eyes, but I am almost sure that he still feels something, for me to be specific.