CHARADES (Namjin.)

CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT.

Seokjin.

Time has never moved so fast, yet so slow like this. It's like I am stuck in a loop, of fear, but redress at the same time. I am scared but somehow relieved and it's odd, and conflicting, and it's messing with my mental state.

I haven't felt this many emotions since Namjoon and I departed, and I am not sure how to even handle it now. This is different, this is much deeper, more people involved than myself and Namjoon. People's lives have been at risk, people have almost died, and for all what, for me? For the love that we shared?

What wrong have we really done to deserve this, was loving Namjoon so wrong that it cost us all this? We are here now after seven years, and all we've caused and gotten in turn is pain. We have lied and we have kept secrets - well I have. Grave secrets that I don't even know how I'll begin to tell. And all of it because of my mother and her greed. I still can't believe this is how it all played out, I can't believe Namjoon, and Taehyung have gone through that much. It's my fault really, I came into their lives, I came into Namjoon's life.

But then again Namjoon is one of best things that ever happened to me, he was my knight, my hopes and dreams. He was my love, the first real love I ever had. He cared and cherished me like nobody ever had, and I somehow can't find fault in that, I can't ever bring myself to regret that despite the pain it has caused us.

I have broken down twice these past two days. I have cried and sobbed for the lie that I've been living all through. It's been disbelief, and the incredulity nature of everything has just made it difficult.

The only thing that has kept me sane these past few days is my son. Jeonghan has been my rock, and he has somehow made sure that I have been grounded. For this weekend, despite everything that has ensued between me and Namjoon, Jeonghan and I have been bonding, playing games, watching movies, reading books, helping me with my sketches, cooking and baking, and just everything we could spend time on. And honestly, I don't think I've held him tighter, or kissed him so many times like I have these past few days.

The weight of all that has happened, and is yet to, hasn't allowed me to let him go, or out of my sight. I have feared with every fiber in me what -what is pending will do to not only him, but my relationship with him as well. He's my rock, he's my world, and I wouldn't let anyone take him from me, selfish perhaps, but when you have a child of your own, and all of your decisions, good or poor, affects them, all you think about is them, about their welfare, their wellbeing, it's all I am thinking about now...

Placing a loving kiss on his forehead, I untangle Jeonghan's hands from around my waist, careful to put a plushie between them before gently placing his head on his pillow. I must have worn him out with all the running earlier.

He looks calm and peaceful, a look I know too well, one I have engraved in my memory. Everyone says Jeonghan looks just like me, but one look at him and all I see is his father. He has his eyes, his dark but gentle irises, with his dark hair, and his amazing smile. It's a soft look, handsome, but also a constant reminder - haunting reminder of just who he is, and of what I have done.

Closing his bedroom door, I stalk down the hall, knowing well I can't keep my demons hidden any longer.

My own bedroom is deserted, clean, but empty of life. Nobody has slept in  here since the other night after the elevator incident. I have kept myself next to Jeonghan, even when napping, and Jungkook has been.... he's been gone.

He left the other night after we got home and returned in the early hours of the morning, stating that he had gone to finish some work in the office, and that he had an impromptu - three day business trip in Busan.