Title: Throne of Glass
Author: JessieTheMikaelson
Genre: Fantasy
Chapters Read: 1-4
Title & Cover
Now, your title isn't bad. It feels fantasy. I'm not entirely sure how it fits with the story - other than there being some queen involved - but I'm sure it will become clear. But... well, the main issue is that a rather popular book (and series) by Sarah J. Maas is also called Throne of Glass. I'm sure there are other books out there with matching titles and it's probably not a huge problem, but since Maas' Throne of Glass is so well known (even though I've never read it) you might just want to think about that.
On the other hand, the cover is very pretty and I like it xD The title is still fairly clear but super fancy, and the red and gold colours blend really nicely. Definitely got that fantasy feel, too.
Summary
It sort of feels like you've got two separate summaries - the paragraph above your divider and the paragraph below - and neither are quite right. I think I prefer the top one, but both have their own strengths.
The top one flows fairly well and has more of a blurb-like feel. However, it is fairly vague, and that's probably why you felt the need to add in another summary below. But you do introduce key points - Jessica's name, her powers, her newfound freedom. Then in the second paragraph you go a little more into detail, mentioning her kidnapping and her situation with the queen. I don't see why you can't combine both summaries, so that you start off by saying she lived in the mansion and snuck out, then is kidnapped and discovers new powers, and along with that comes the 'fights with demons she could not see' (because I like that bit). Then you can finish it off by mentioning the queen, and how Jessica is determined to survive. If you just merge them both, you can make a summary that really works and is quite hooking.
Oh, and also that final line is cool ('How would someone live while nature itself wanted them dead?') and I do think you should keep it, but currently it's unclear who it's talking about? At first I thought it was talking about Jessica but after reading it would make more sense if it's meaning the queen. Perhaps make that a little more obvious?
It's also a good idea to separate out your summary into at least two or three paragraphs. That final line could have its own paragraph for emphasis, too. It just makes it easier to read and a little more appealing.
All of that combined, you have the makings for a good summary. One final thing, though: most blurbs/summaries tend to be written in present tense, as if the story is happening now, because that way it feels more immersive and perhaps adds tension. Or something like that, anyway, but it reads better in present tense xD So I'd change that too. Otherwise, it seemed like an intriguing plot, with fun fantasy, and I was ready to dive in!
Hook
In theory, the action at the start of your first chapter should be hooking. But... it wasn't particularly. I'll start with the very first sentence, and work from there:
A woman in her 20's, dressed in a light blue torn dress ran through a forest whilst carrying a baby in a wooden basket.
For the first sentence of your first chapter, it's rather wordy. We get told the woman's age, what she's wearing, where she is and what she's carrying, all in that first sentence. When you're trying to hook your reader in, the last thing you want to do is overload them with details. For someone who's just started reading your book, ready for that all-important first impression, I really don't care about how old some random woman I've just met is, or that her dress is blue. I don't care about the material of some basket. These are details you can slip in as the chapter progresses - though when it comes to age you don't really need to outright say that - but not ones we need to be hit with the moment we step into your book.
In the second sentence, we also get told that 'she could sense something bad was about to happen'. This feels sort of redundant. When you're running through a forest with a baby and a torn dress, it's unlikely things are going well for you. Bad things happening is something a reader can easily infer for themselves. Telling us this sort of diffuses the tension and isn't really worth saying.
Welp, only one paragraph in and it's not looking good. Fortunately, I do much prefer the second paragraph. It still feels a little wordy and loaded with description, but there is at least an element of tension that did draw me in. I especially like the detail about how the wind she found calming was now like a dagger. I feel like you could remove the first paragraph entirely and start right off with this description to get us fully immersed before you slide in the detail about the baby basket.
The description carries on, and I do like it. But for the beginning of the first chapter, it's still not quite the hook I'm searching for. What I'd suggest is to break up longer sentences and paragraphs and give the start a little more of a disjointed feel. Give us a sense of this woman's panic, her rush, her desperation to find that water and get her baby safe. Weave in a few of her thoughts, if you can. Just tiny structural details, even if your wording doesn't change a great deal, can really help to convey emotion. This start is so close to being an excellent hook; it just needs that little extra tension to make it as immersive and instantly intriguing as it needs to be.
Extra, slightly unrelated note: the quotes at the start of each chapter. While they are cool and intriguing... they don't seem to relate to the story in any way? Perhaps they're from a show I haven't watched or something, but whatever people/characters they are, they aren't from this book and that does make them confusing to start chapters with. They're also pretty long, which sort of takes away from the impact they might have. I'd suggest that if you want to start your chapters with a quote, make it short and concise, and make its source a little clearer - preferably something that relates more to the book. But in my opinion, they aren't necessary. Just let your chapter starts do the job and be the hook!
Writing Style
I'm going to hop straight here before getting onto the characters because I want to go into more detail about those issues with the hook, because your description does seem to be a main problem as the book continues. If anything, this beginning description is probably the best in the book. Because as it continues... it gets a little flat.
Now, I'm not saying it's all like that. But a lot of your description does feel a little like a list of details. For example, this at the start of the second chapter:
She then felt her hands going numb as the snow started to reach her knees. She tried to escape it, but it was too deep. She then took a deep breath and she used her left hand to cover her face. Her right hand went to her knees, there was a pocket located right above it, but it was secured with a digital lock.
Similarly to the start of the first chapter, I feel like some element of panic should come through. Perhaps not as much, since Jessica knows she's in a controlled environment, but we don't. I remember just thinking darn, this girl is about to freeze to death and she really doesn't seem bothered. Which immediately gave me a sense of detachment from the scene, which we really don't want.
Part of the problem is that there are a lot of unnecessary words in there, the biggest one being 'then'. You use it twice in this paragraph alone and it's the sort of word that you should avoid using regularly, particularly during action scenes, because 90% of the time it's not needed and just makes everything drag out another word longer. Adding 'felt' also has a similar effect; you could easily just say that her hands were going numb. We automatically assume that she would feel that happening, so you don't need to tell us. Though I will admit that I do often fall prey to using felt xD
The rest of the problem is, like I said earlier, that it reads like a list. This may be action, but it feels like a series of things Jessica is doing. She did this, then she did this, then this happened... It's not the most engaging format xD Instead of starting every sentence with Jessica doing/feeling something, try to be a little more creative with it. For example, in place of:
She then felt her hands going numb
Try:
Numbness crept along her fingers, encasing her hands in ice
Much more interesting to read, and a little more immersive. Instead of outright saying there was a pocket there, say that there was a bulge by her knee, and then add that it's a pocket. Let the reader go on that journey with Jessica. It actually would probably lengthen the scene, as you end up going into more detail, but it's much more hooking and gives us a little more time to wonder what's going on and start to hope that Jessica can get out of this, before it all shatters and we're in the safe(ish) world. Also, remember that this is the first time we meet Jessica, so it needs to be just as hooking as the first chapter. Readers love danger, so let us believe that some danger is going on, even if it's actually fairly safe for the time being xD
These brief action descriptions are probably why your chapters can feel rather rushed. But I'll get onto that during the plot section.
However, there are some times that you add details when they aren't necessary, an example being that very first paragraph in the Hook section. Just make sure you think about the atmosphere you want to create and whether or not that detail is necessary. We might not need to know a character's age in that moment, but we do need to know how they're feeling, so we can really feel for them.
Another, smaller point on descriptions is the show vs tell thing. You do need that balance, and currently it's tipped a little too much towards the tell side. For example, the initial mansion description in the first chapter:
The mansion looked like it wasn't from their era. From the outside, it looked like a rich person mansion. Vintage.
You don't need to outright tell us this. Instead, you can describe the wooden material, the cracks, the shattered windows, all of which make it sound old. Then you can mention that it lacked the usual technology of the time. From all that, the reader can easily tell that it is from a past era. You can also describe the more 'vintage' features as well. You already have your imagery - all you have to do is expand on it to include these details rather than just telling it.
You also repeat 'looked like' or words to that effect a fair bit when describing. Simply, that isn't necessary. You can just say the windows were shattered. You don't need to say they looked like they were shattered, unless you want some uncertainty there, as if Mary isn't sure whether they're shattered or not. It's a phrase with a similar effect to 'felt', in that it's a filler word that can be removed and most of the time the sentence still makes sense without it.
I think that covers everything. Wow, that wordcount is going up fast xD I do just want to say that you do have some great descriptions (such as the mansion one in the second chapter, and that description at the start of the first chapter, which I did like save the things I've mentioned) and your world-building slides in pretty well. I just have lots to say, so bear with me xD
Now, onto grammar. And... I'll start off by saying that it needs work xD One issue that kept cropping up was the random capital letters in the middle of sentences. I'm not sure if it's just that you need to edit more thoroughly, which I would definitely suggest for future. A lot of characters' names were also missing capital letters sometimes, so make sure you look out for them when you edit.
Your main issue seems to be run-on sentences. These are basically when you merge two sentences by just using a comma and continuing the sentence rather than separating them with a period. I'll take an example from the third chapter:
Drink it and die then you'll become a vampire, Mary gave it to Jessica in case someday she was in a near-death situation.
The comma here should be a period. If you're struggling to tell whether a pause should be a comma or period, try reading your work aloud and listen to where you naturally pause. The shorter pauses should be commas and the longer ones periods (or an exclamation/question mark).
I will note though that your first two chapters, the first in particular, actually had fairly good grammar. Perhaps you've just edited them a little more? It was only after that that I started to notice the extra capitals and the run-ons appearing more often.
You also made a few mistakes with dialogue tags. I'd suggest taking a look at the Dreamland Guide Book, which has a couple great sections on dialogue and action tags if you're struggling with them. But again, those might just have been editing mistakes, since many were also correct.
Characters
You do convey your characters pretty well. Jessica's impulsive nature is clear. Mary is super protective, and her and Jessica's relationship is so great to see because it is just like they're mother and daughter, far too used to each other's company. I also like how fighting-smart (or something like that, you get what I mean xD) Mary is and her eagerness for Jessica to know how to defend herself rather than hiding her away from all of it. Good plan, Mary. You do good. It's also great seeing the progression from the first to the second chapter, because Mary's attitude towards Jessica just does not change, and I love it xD
I also like Diana's brazen confidence, though I am sad that we don't get to see more of her before she announces that she's leaving and that's it. I'd like to see a bit more of her and Jessica's relationship, since it seems to have a history and it would be nice to delve into that a little. Perhaps Jessica could think back to another time when they were together, or when they first met, or just if we get a bit more of them being playfully romantic. Since Diana gets just that one scene before she vanishes - though I'm hoping she returns later in the book, because they are both cute together - I think there needs to be a little more character and relationship building so that we fully feel that she means a lot to Jessica. It will mean that the announcement of her leaving will have a bigger impact on us as readers.
The same goes for Susan. I'd like to have a longer scene of them together. I mean, you do get across Susan's kindness and youthfulness and just overall sweet nature (*subtely glares*) but again, more character building will mean a, uh, certain event has more impact later on.
As for the kidnapper people... I've seen a fair bit of them but I still don't feel I know them that well. That's probably because I've only really seen them as a collective group rather than individuals as of yet. Caroline does give off a bubbly, excitable sort of vibe though, which I like and so she's probably my favourite of them so far. But the others are a little bland right now? As the story progresses, I'm sure there's more insights to their character, but I don't have a great deal of attachment for them yet.
Plot
It's a cool idea! I'm not entirely sure where it's going, other than the fact that Eleanor's an evil queen somewhere and she's after the nature power people, but I do like it so far. And it not being predictable is a very good thing xD People with elemental powers are nothing new, but the way you've done it is fairly unique and interesting.
I particularly like your bits of world-building. Usually, when magic and fantasy things come into it, we end up with a fairly olden-type world. But yours is clearly technologically advanced and sci-fi, with cool things such as the nebulizer (honestly I really loved that detail and sort of hope we get to see one in action at some point because yes cool) and hologram communicators. Just keep that consistent and it'll keep being a fascinating addition.
However, I think there was an issue with your pacing. You seem to rush through the plot a little too fast, particularly action scenes, so that the majority of the story is just dialogue with rushed bits of action and description in between. Most of that is due to things I already mentioned in the Writing Style section. Just make sure that you take your time and show the characters' whole journey through things, so that you can fully build up relationships and bits of tension.
Your second chapter in particular was rather rushed, flitting between so many scenes, but I think that was more than just the writing. You probably wanted Jessica to be kidnapped at the end of that chapter, but had other things to mention, so you hurried through the interactions with Mary, and Diana, and Susan, because you were worried about the chapter being too long. Now, for one, compared to many other fantasy books I've read, your chapters aren't overly long. If you want to let things take a little longer and add a bit of wordcount, you can. Fantasy chapters tend to be a bit longer in general, from what I've seen, because we have more to world-build and just generally a bit more complexity.
Secondly, there is no need for Jessica to be kidnapped at the end of that chapter. You have other things you need to build up before that happens. In my opinion, I think it would be best if you had the holobattle, Mary, and Diana scenes in that chapter, and then move her interactions with Susan and in the town to the third chapter, so that she's kidnapped at the end of that one. It gives you more room to build tension in that first scene, then give Mary a little more screentime so you can properly show their relationship, and then have a full scene with Diana and Jessica rather than a hurried extra. You could even end that chapter with Jessica sadly watching as Diana walks away, knowing they won't see each other for such a long time.
I feel that would just give the reader time to get to know Jessica and her ordinary life before we're abruptly ripped from it and introduced to new characters. Remember, you move through your plot at whatever pace seems right. You don't have to hurry through it because you feel a certain scene isn't exciting enough, or you want to get to a certain bit. Let the story flow naturally. Sometimes you need to create an entirely new chapter because your characters ended up taking longer over doing a thing than you anticipated. It's all part of the creative process.
Overall Thoughts
I did enjoy reading! The run-ons and uneven capitalisation made it a little difficult to read at points, but I tried to see past that and mostly could just let myself enjoy the story. Jessica is an intriguing character, and I'm very interested to see where her new power and situation will take her.
This review ended up being pretty long, and with a lot of critiques. But trust me, that's only because I really believe this story has potential and want to help you better it. I know I really care about a story when I'm reading through and going 'wow, this is so great but I want to change this writing thing, why can't I just steal this whole plot and edit the mistakes' if you get what I mean, because that sounds kind of weird xD
Basically, what I'm saying is keep writing, keep this book in existence, and you will naturally improve. It's all a process. You truly do have the making of a fantastic story, and by having that you're way more than halfway there. :D