T R A V I S
We're now in bed cuddling.
I miss this. She holds my hand as she puts her head on my chest.
Hindi ko siya matiis at hindi ko rin naman kaya na mawala siya sa tabi ko o sadyang ganito na ako ka-selfish pagdating sa kanya.
She kisses my hand and locks it with hers. I kissed her forehead.
"Saan ka natutulog noong mga araw na hindi ka nauwi dito?" She starts to asks questions.
Hindi ko mapigilan ang hindi mag-alala sa maaari niyang itanong sa akin. "Sa motel."
"May kasama ka bang iba?" Alam kong alam naman niya na wala, but her jealous face is warming my heart up.
"Wala. Ako lang mag-isa." I caressed her face and she pouted.
"Mamaya may kasama kang iba." Kunwaring pagtatampo niya.
I smiled, "Wala nga. Ikaw lang sa akin, sapat na."
"Nakakakain ka ba ng maayos?" She asked a question again.
"Sakto lang." Matipid kong sagot. She gave me that worried look again, "I miss you cooking for me though." I admitted.
"Then, I'll cook you something later." She smiles widely.
This smile of hers makes me feel like everything will be okay.
"Magpagaling ka muna." Saway ko sa kanya. "I wouldn't force you do the work today. Kagagaling mo lang sa sakit Maxene." I reminded her kissing her temple.
"I'm okay now, don't worry too much." She says and she's now reaching for my lips. Her lips missed me. She tries to deepen the kiss but I won't allow her force herself. Baka mabinat siya. "I just want to do everything for you." She uttered tracing my face.
That's my job.
"Lalo na at ilang araw din na wala ka sa tabi ko." Dagdag niya na dahilan kung bakit nakaramdam na naman ako ng kirot sa puso ko.
I caressed her face. "Magpagaling ka muna." Again I reminded her. "One session is enough." I tried to be as normal as I could be at natawa naman siya sa banat ko. I missed the sound of her laughter. I miss making her laugh.
She adjusted herself to be on top of me and she cups my face. "Huwag ka na muna siguro makipagkita sa mga kabanda mo Travis."
"Why would you say that?" What does she meant by that?
"They're not even your real friends, am I right?" She reads me like an open book. "For the past months, I noticed that you're not you whenever you're around them, para ngang napipilitan ka lang. Plus they seem to have the habit of triggering something in you that I don't know, but it just affects the person you are right now."
I fix her hair and tuck it behind her ear.
"I just--" She tries to look away finding the right words and she looks back at me, "I just want you here with me. Don't go back in the past, just stay here in the present, with me."
I kissed her and inhaled her scent.
"Magagawan ko naman ng paraan 'yon" I said, "But they need me."
"What for?" She asks, shaking her head, "You're not happy around them, right?" I couldn't say much so I smiled.
"You're right." I admitted, "But still they're the only friends I got." Sadness is visible in her eyes, "I only have them."
"But you have me." She said looking at me like a child, "At least with me, you're happy, right?"
I take her in my arms, "I am." I kissed her cheeks, "I am happy with you. I am me with you."
She assesses my reaction. "With that question alone, parang may hindi ka pa ba sinasabi sa akin Travis?" She just sees through me that much.
"I need to keep them close Maxene." I answered with honesty. "I still need them." I cover my eyes with my forearm.
"Akala ko ikaw ang ginagamit nila?" Her voice couldn't hide her curiosity. Inalis niya ang braso ko sa mukha ko. "Stop hiding from me Travis."
I look at her and in her eyes I see me.
"It's actually the other way around."
"Why?" I just wish she could stop asking me, pero kapag hindi ko naman sinagot, baka maulit na naman yung tangkang pag-alis niya kanina.
"I just have to." Matipid kong sagot at parang naunawaan naman niya na hindi pa ako handa sabihin sa kanya. "Maxene, I'm sorry if--"
She presses her hand on my lips, "As long as you're telling me the truth, it's fine. Hindi mo naman kailangan sagutin lahat."
"I'll try harder." I promised and I have to keep it. I will indeed try harder.
"I know you would." She kisses me again. "I love you Travis."
"I love you too Maxene."
M A X E N E
At least I can say that he's trying his best.
Nagtatago man siya minsan sa akin dahil ayaw niyang mabasa ko ang mga mata niya, but still whenever he's facing me I can say that he's telling me the truth.
Pinagluto ko siya ng pagkain kasi alam ko naman sa sarili ko na kaya ko na kumilos ulit pero tinulungan niya pa rin ako sa paghihiwa ng gagamitin kong sangkap para sa uulamin namin ngayon. Since naulan pa rin, inisip ko na mag-tinola.
We eat together and like the new norm, since I cooked, he will do the dishes.
"Tulungan na kita." I told him but he just shooed me away with an awkward smile.
"Ako na dito, ikaw na nga nagluto eh." I couldn't contain my smile seeing how my Travis is coming back to me.
I hugged him from behind and inhaled his scent, nahahawa na ako sa mannerism niya. "I love you."
"You know I'm doing the dishes, hindi ba?" His voice is filled with glee, tinatago niya lang. Sinilip ko siya at nakita ko naman na hindi ako binigo ng instinct ko.
"Walang I love you too?" I pouted and immediately he turned around and kissed me.
"I love you too Max." I smiled and helped him clean the dishes. "Sabing ako na eh."
"Bakit ba, masama ba na tulungan ko ang boyfriend ko?" Paglalambing ko na kita naman sa mukha niya na ikinatuwa niya.
I approached the full view glass window at pinagmasdan ang panahon sa labas. The moist of the rain causes the windows to be blurry. I draw a smiley face at napansin naman ang reflection ni Travis papalapit sa akin.
He embraces me from behind and I can feel his breath at my neck.
"What now?" Pilyong tanong niya.
"Gusto ko sana lumabas kaya lang naulan." Pag-amin ko.
He shakes his head. "Kagagaling mo lang sa sakit Max, let's just stay here."
"Alam ko na, let's watch a movie?" I suggested and he nods. "I just know what type of movie we should watch sa ganitong panahon." I smirked.
"Horror ba iyan?" He asks as he tilted his head beside, hinampas ko siya at tinawanan naman niya ako.
"Basta!" I opened my laptop and transferred the movie to the USB then I saw Travis opening the TV.
"Akin na yung remote." Sabi ko sa kanya.
"Tch, bossy." He muttered like a child with a smile on his face.
I hit play and we watched A Walk to Remember.
"I don't like watching this movie." He said.
I pouted, "Edi iwan mo ako mag-isa, manonood ako dito."
Bigla naman niya ako niyakap, "Hindi ba sabi ko, hindi na kita iiwan." He kissed my forehead. "I'm a man of my word." He locks our hands together.
"Sana hindi ka ma-bored sa movie, pero kung hindi mo trip, edi umidlip ka na lang diyan." I said and he just chuckled. I lean on his chest and everything is perfect.
This is peace.
Hindi ko talaga maiwasan hindi maiyak sa movie na ito. I attempted to read the book but I know my heart couldn't take it. Movie pa nga lang masakit na, ano pa kaya sa book.
Siguro nakatulog na si Travis sa movie, kasi kanina pa siya tahimik, pero tulad ng pinangako niya, hindi naman niya binitawan ang kamay ko. Kahit na hirap na hirap ako punasan ang luha ko sa story na pinapanood ko.
Nasa climax na ng movie na talagang bumuhos ang luha ko.
But this tragic ending is both happy and sad. It's a mixed emotion knowing that Jamie got her wish and Landon becomes the best version of himself.
They got married and even if in a short span of time Jamie was Landon's wife. Hindi man sila nagtagal 'literally' but the love was still there.
Their love is like a wind, they can't see it, but they feel it.
Nang matapos na ang movie at nang akmang bibitaw na ako kay Travis para kunin yung USB ko sa likod TV niya biglang humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin.
"Hala, akala ko tulog ka." Gulat kong sabi sa kanya.
"I hate this movie." He says as he hides his face behind my head. "Dapat nag horror na lang tayo."
"Wala akong horror sa laptop." I sigh, "Sabi naman sayo kung ayaw mo--"
"Maxene," His voice breaks a little. "Bigla kong naalala yung kundisyon mo." fear is evident in his voice, "Kung matutulad ka sa babae sa movie, hindi ko kakayanin." His voice is soft and vulnerable.
Sinubukan kong harapin siya pero ayaw niya na makita ko kung ano man ang hitsura niya ngayon.
"Apektado ka sa movie no?" I teased him.
"Shut up." Inis niyang sabi.
I kissed his hand. "Magtatagal pa naman ako Travis. Hindi naman ako tulad ni Jamie." I paused, "Kita mo nga oh, hindi pa ako ulit inaatake." Banat ko para hindi masyadong serious.
"If you're trying to be funny, it's not effective." His voice is serious.
I turn my head and face him gradually. "As long as you're here with me, I know that I'll be okay."
"How can you tell?" He scoffs softly, "You're just saying that just to make me feel better."
"But you're my hope." I smiled and I felt his arms loosening up so I was able to turn and look at him.
"You're the reason why I keep on going." I admitted, "You saved me a thousand times nang hindi ko napapansin, you're all I have when I have none." I cupped his face. "You drown me with your love that keeps this weak heart of mine beating."
"Maxene..." He speaks of my name as if he's singing my name again. I love how he sings my name. Sumandal ako sa dibdib niya at naririnig ko ang mala-musikang tibok ng puso niya.
"Alam mo, tulad ni Jamie sa movie, my greatest fear is," I lock my hands with his, "-Not being with you." Natatawa ako, ang cheesy ko na ata. Ganito kapag 'raw' ang emotions mo after you watch a beautiful movie with your favorite person.
"Ganito din ba yung naramdaman mo nung nagkaroon tayo ng panandaliang break at noong na sa Japan ako?" I giggled and kissed his hand.
"It is indeed scary," I paused. "It's scary that I left my heart here," Tinuro ko ang puso niya, at tinignan siya sa mga mata niya, "With you."
He pulls me to his mouth and gives me a deep passionate kiss.
"I'm not going anywhere without you." He cuts the kiss as our foreheads touch each other.
I looked at him with an amused face, "Talaga ba?" He nods. "Mamaya iwan mo ako ulit." He shakes his head and I smiled.
I saw our hands locked together and noticed the red bracelet that I gave him.
"I love you until my heart stops beating." He uttered with great promise next to my ear as he planted a kiss on my temple.
Nalulunod na naman ako.
"Hey, you're still wearing the bracelet." Pagpuna ko. Just to change the mood.
"Hindi ko naman kailanman tinanggal iyan eh." He says with pride.
"Weh?" Banat ko.
He lightly shakes his head.
"Kahit naliligo ka, hindi mo inaalis iyan?" He shakes his head again with a ray of amusement in his eyes. "Yung totoo nga Hayes."
"Hindi nga. Bakit ba hindi ka naniniwala?"
"Eh ikaw pa, nakapaselan mo, huwag ka nga. Niloloko mo lang ako." Akmang tatayo na naman ako pero pinigilan niya ulit ako.
"This bracelet bounds us, hindi ba iyon ang sinabi mo sa akin sa Japan?"
"Sa pagkakaalala ko iba." I said and he clicks his tongue. "Ang sabi ko tungkol sa fate."
"Basta ganun. Wala na din pinagkaiba iyon." Pagmamaktol niya. I'm glad that he's loosening up with me again.
"I'm just glad that you're still wearing it, kahit na may pagkabaduy ako." Paglalambing ko.
"Anything from you matters Maxene. Sinabi ko na iyon sayo." Natutuwa ako at bumabalik na unti-unti ang Travis ko.
I plant a kiss on his cheeks, "Let go muna."
"Anong let go, kanina lang sabi mo ayaw mo ako bumitaw tapos ngayon let go?" His confidence is back and he is just being Travis now.
My Travis.
"Kaya ko din pinanood yung movie kasi tatapusin ko na yung ginawa kong tula para sayo." There's this spark in his eyes, "Sabi mo gagawin mong kanta iyon, hindi ba?"
"Okay." He said with a smile as he helped me stand, "Let's make our song." Enthusiasm is visible in his face.
"I hope I won't disappoint you."
He kissed my temple, "I know you won't."
I finish my poem for him as he turns this simple poem in a song. He takes his guitar as he sits beside me.
"Tapos na?" He asks and I nod. "Patingin nga." He reads it and for some reason I can't help to feel modest about it. I don't even know what to expect since this is the first time I am writing him a poem, but seeing how he appreciates my work is all worth it.
"What do you think?" Pag-uusisa ko sa kanya, nilapitan ko siya at kaagad naman niya ako niyakap.
"I love it Maxene. It's beautiful." He says with a smile on his face. "I'll just draft the chords first." He kisses my cheeks and turns to make our song.
Pinagmamasdan ko lang siya kung paano niya buuin yung kanta namin.
His bangs are swaying with the music as he puts the chords in the piece of paper. Focused na focused siya para hindi ako madisappoint. Hindi ko na alam kung ilang minuto o oras na ang nakalipas, pero hindi maalis sa kanya ang mga mata ko.
I love how he looks when he does something that he puts his all into.
Talagang makikita mo sa mga mata niya na pinagsisikapan niya iyon mabuo kahit draft pa lang iyon.
I can't help to compare how he poured everything from the poem I made to how he showers me with all his love. It's overwhelming and comforting at the same time.
Binaba niya ang lapis at sinenyasan akong tumabi sa kanya.
"It's done?" Tanong ko pa.
"Oo naman, let's check if it's okay." He strums his guitar, "Pero ikaw ang kakanta."
"Hala, eh bakit ako?" Ako na nga gumawa ako pa ang kakanta, "Ikaw na lang Travis, mas maganda naman ang boses mo sa akin."
Ngumisi naman siya na nakakaloko, "This is the first time you admit that you love my singing voice."
Napalunok na lang ako sa naging reaksyon niya sa sinabi ko.
Bigla akong nakaramdam ng init sa mukha ko, "Basta ikaw na ang kumanta, pangit ang boses ko."
"Anong sinabi ko sayo?" He scolds me like a child, "Sa tuwing nilalait mo ang sarili mo, para mo na rin akong nilalait."
I looked away puffing my face. "Eh nahihiya ako eh."
"Ako lang ito Max." Sambit niya, "Tayo lang ang nandito. Mahihiya ka pa ba sa akin?" He chuckles, "Yung totoo?"
I sigh in defeat, "Okay, eh paano ko malalaman kung tama ang tono ko?"
He looked into my eyes and smiled. "Listen to your heart. That's how you'll know."
[A/N: Listen to this video guys, just imagine that Travis is playing the guitar and Maxene is singing the song. Salamuch sa pag-sabay sa trip ni author!]
When Travis started to strum his guitar I don't know but by just looking at him, I just knew when my voice started singing our song.
[Where, where will you stand when all the lights go out across these city streets?
Where were you when all of the embers fell? I still remember them
Covered in ash Covered in glass Covered in all my friends
I still think of the bombs they build
If there's a place that I could be
Then I'd be another memory
Can I be the only hope for you?
Because you're the only hope for me.
And if we can't find where we belong
We'll have to make it on our own
Face all this pain and take it on
Because the only hope for me is you alone]
We're in sync and everything is just right.
Sa totoo lang nahihiya ako tingnan siya kaya mas mabuting tingnan ko na lang ang ginawa kong tula para sa kanya.
Hindi ko alam kung anong hitsura ko, pero ang sa totoo lang ang bilis ng kabog ng dibdib ko lalo na at tinitingnan niya ako na para bang ako ang lahat para sa kanya.
Pero ayoko naman ma-disappoint siya sa pagkanta ko kaya todo ang pagpipigil ko sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Matapos lang namin ang kanta.
[How it should be many years after the disasters that we've seen
What have we learned?
Other than people burn in purifying flame
I'll say it's okay, I know you can tell, and though you can see me smile
I still think of the guns they sell.]
After the chorus, I gaze up to him again and see him smiling at me while strumming his guitar.
[The only hope for me is you...
The only hope for me is you alone.]
After the song, sumandal siya, "How was it?"
Nahihiya akong tingnan siya pero sinagot ko ang tanong niya, "I love it." I uttered.
Tinabi niya ang gitara niya, "That's just a draft, pwede ko pa namang ayusin iyon."
"I love it." I say again, hiding my overflowing emotions towards him, "It's just right." I added and he looked at me with awe, "This is the first time that my poem was made into a song, so, I really don't know what to expect."
"Well, this is the first time I make a song out of scratch." He said with a gentle smile, "So quits lang."
"I'm glad that you're here with me again." Kumunot ang noo niya, "I mean, the Travis that is gone for three days, is back." His eyes soften. He approaches me, lifts me up and embraces me. "I miss my Travis." I said letting a tear fall again.
He pushes me and wipes my tears, "I'm sorry that I kept you waiting."
"You're worth the wait Travis." I reached for his lips and kissed him.
Dahil madilim na, nagdecide na kaming matulog na magkatabi. No sessions daw muna dahil kagagaling ko lang sa sakit.
I'm in his bedroom and we're cuddling before we go to sleep.
"What can you think of the future?" I got this random question in my head.
"That's too soon." He muttered next to me.
"I know, but I just couldn't help wondering, three years ago nga hindi natin inaasahan na magiging ganito tayo. I just couldn't help to wonder what will happen."
"Ano ba ang gusto mong mangyari sa future?" He asked. His voice is soft.
"I really don't know." I admitted, "All my life, si Mom ang nagplaplano, kaya parang nasanay na ako. I also have plans on my own, pero irrelevant naman daw iyon."
He held me close. I feel his breathing behind my neck, "Tell me about this plan of yours.
"Wag na, matatawa ka lang."
"Just tell me."
I sigh, "Gusto kong mag-college bago sana ako ma-arrange, but I'm not saying that I'm not blessed for having you around." I tell him and he chuckled. "Sa totoo lang, gusto ko kumuha ng architecture dahil gusto ko magdesign ng sarili kong bahay in the future or maging paleontologist na makikilala na makakadiscover ng fossil or maging zoologist para naman makatulong sa mga endangered animals sa mundo or astronomy, so I can study about stars." I added.
"That's a lot." He said letting out a small chuckle. I faced him.
"Well, like Mom said, I can't do all of those," I smiled, "She even said that, I dream too much, hindi naman daw ako magaling." Natatawa kong sambit.
"Nilait mo na naman ba ang sarili mo?" His voice sounds offended as his fingers traces my shoulder.
"Real talk lang iyon Travis." Umayos na ako ng pagkakahiga kaya nakatingin na ako sa kisame, "Kaya nga hanggang pangarap na lang sila. I have to set aside my dreams for what Mom has planned for me. Who knows, I'll be still her mannequin who'll wear her design clothes and who'll just smile in front of the cameras."
I hear him sigh.
Napatingin ako sa katabi ko, "Buti nga ikaw, isa lang ang pangarap mo, at iyon ay ang maging lawyer. I'm sure you'll make a fine lawyer in the future." I smiled but he says nothing. Masyadong dim na rin ang paligid, I'm not sure if he's awake but I have to ask, "Tulog ka na ba?"
"I'm still awake." He pulls me close enough for him to inhale my scent again, "I'm just listening to you."
"Masyado na ata akong maingay." I said softly.
"Talking about the future is indeed a broad subject." he speaks so soothingly.
"I'm looking forward to tomorrow, but I'm afraid of the unknown," I paused feeling a little dozed off, "I just hope in that future, you're still with me."
T R A V I S
Sa tingin ko nakatulog na siya ng tuluyan.
I really don't know what to expect in the future because at the first place I'm not looking forward to it.
Tama din naman ang sinabi ni Maxene na may habit ako bumalik sa nakaraan ko dahil doon may binabalik balikan pa ako kahit isang ala-ala na lang iyon.
May mga panahon na gusto ko na lang ulit maging bata para kasama ko siya na naglalaro lang. Masarap balikan ang ala-alang iyon pero bago ko iyon mabalikan, sandamakmak na kasalanan ang kailangan kong daanan.
Siguro hindi na muna ako dadalaw sa nakaraan.
But thinking that she's considering our future makes me look forward to something. I'll just stay here with her in the present like what she said.
Natuto akong mangarap ngayon nang makasama ko siya.
Kung dati maging abugado lang ang pinapangarap ko, ngayon nadagdagan na ang goal na gusto kong maachieve.
Ngayon na iniisip ko ang kinabukasan ng relasyon namin iisa lang ang pinapanalangin ko ngayon: na siya na ang babaeng huli kong mamahalin.
Until then, we have the present.
We have each other.
This all matters.
This is enough for me.