Book: Redemption
Author: Rosephilips
Chapters Read: Prologue - Ch 2
Genre: Dystopian
Blurb:
In a world where the Sun is a thing of legends, nothing is as it seems.
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For most of her life, Rose has been trying to unravel the mystery of her past. However, she didn't realize just how unprepared she was to face the reality of her fate.
Finding herself crucial to the success of the Scientific Restoration of the World, she struggles to come to terms with the life thrust upon her, in order to save The Haven and prevent the extinction of humanity.
Cover
I'm not the biggest fan of your cover. I do really like the symbol. I'm hoping it'll be a symbol actually in the story, and the way it plays into the plot suggested in the blurb and the fiery color contrast makes it stand out in a good way.
Aside from that, though... Not much of the cover pulls me in.
For one, as much as I love the symbol, seeing it obviously thrown over an image someone found on google images doesn't really do anything for me. Sure, there could be an argument that a lot of images are slapped on how they were found. It only works, though, if it doesn't feel that way. It majorly feels that way with this cover.
Another thing is the shadowing of the image and the text just stands out in a really bad way. There was no real reason for them to have that shadow. More like someone thought the shadow effect was cool and just threw it on for the fun of it.
Lastly, the text... It's just really not pleasant to look at. I'm not sure how much of it has to do with the shadow, but it's also just so squished together. It's also a meh text and meh color. It doesn't stand out at all and is just very blocky.
It is very far from the worst cover I have seen. It definitely fits the story in what it's trying to do, but I do not personally feel like it's reaching that place it's wanting to reach.
Title
The title is very... Bland. I mean, I have used Midnight as a title so I can't really say too much of one word, unoriginal titles. But I also changed it because it was a horrible title no matter how much I defended it so...
Another issue with your title is it uses a word that is a basic trope/arc that happens in a story. It doesn't really make it interesting because it's a word that we are just kind of desensitized to seeing in reference to a story. Is it a cool word? Sure. I actually really like the word. I like redemption tales.
But as a title? One of the first things I know about the story? Not really convinced.
I suggest trying to go for a title more tailored toward your story. Maybe something to do with the sun? The sun seems to play a large role in the story, so that seems like a possible point to focus on.
Blurb
You get about three more achievements, and the word count for those achievements will probably be the same as your blurb.
And no, that is not a compliment U^.^
There is nothing horribly wrong with your blurb, but it leaves me very much left wanting, and not in the good way.
No, you do not want to build your character or your world in the summary. However, we need to get enough of a taste of it to know whether we want to dive into the story. Right now, it's a very generic summary of a dystopian type world.
Give us some idea of what should make us care about Rose, give us some idea of what makes your dystopian world different from all the others. Hunger Games, kids all had to kill each other. Divergent, people were defined by traits and put into factions. It doesn't have to give away a ton, build the world, reveal the entire plot, anything, but we do need to have some idea of why in the world we should pick up this book.
Experience/Plot
In this section, we will delve into my thoughts and experience as the plot progressed.
---PROLOGUE
Just seeing the start of this prologue, I can already tell how it's going to go. Little girl gets forced to hide and potentially see while her parents are brutally murdered.
I'm honestly a bit confused why the girl is crying intensely enough to sob just to instantly calm at hide and seek. If she jumped on that subject right away, I may understand, but she's still more focused on her mother's fear than the game.
Although I understand later plot wise why Rose needs to have the satchel, the mother giving it to her makes little sense. Yeah, they plan on her running off and hiding. But they seem very sure she'll have to run off by herself if they want her to hold it. Which if she's a little girl, that satchel would just trip her up and make her more likely to get caught. You'd think one of the parents would be in the mindset of "no matter what, I'm going to try to live so my daughter isn't alone and defenseless."
Okay, so I wasn't entirely right. They were making their way through the streets and then she was told to run off.
Still, I'm not overly drawn in. These sort of starts (child sees parents be murdered by evil organization) aren't uncommon, so if you're going to use it, you really want to make it feel like its own. You are introducing us to your plot. I've already remarked on a generic title and a generic summary, and now we are being introduced into your story with a generic opening. Honestly from this point, nothing has drawn me in. I was actually happy you'd done away with the prologue at first and had remarked that I was glad. I just see nothing added here that couldn't be gained via learning this information in the actual story, and even worse, this introduces a lot of problematic elements.
Primarily, the parents had a twisted desire when it came to their child's life. Sure, maybe they wanted to try and hold back the killers while their daughter ran, but how did they expect her to survive? And did they not expect the killers to try to track her down, especially if giving her something of importance to protect?
Also, I have 0 idea how she lives and isn't captured. There are multiple full grown man. Only one has to have a gun trained on her mother. Unless there is magic we don't know about that happens, Rose should not live. They would have caught her. They could have turned their guns on her and killed her.
---CHAPTER ONE
Honestly, I'm struggling a good bit with the hook. Sure, you have instant tension, but there's just nothing to make me feel invested to that tension. I'm not saying you can't have starts that jump right into the action. I don't agree with that mind set entirely, but it is difficult to pull off, and this just isn't doing it for me. I think a lot of it has to do with the way its written, which I'll get into in the writing section because it's an issue that I notice throughout.
There's a tiger. Okay, tiger be cool, and I am extremely intrigued given later information that makes me have no idea where the tiger puzzle piece fits in. But there is like 0 reaction from anyone? Even Rose? Say nobody else sees it, you mention later that Rose dismissed it as a dream, but here at the moment, she just sees a tiger... and then nada in terms of reaction.
These guys in the elevator make no sense to me. They are just a couple floors from the bottom. They have no reason to be murmuring to each other within ear shot of anyone else. The logical thing to do when they see someone enter the elevator would be to shut up and wait until they get to the car. I also cannot understand for the life of me why they want to kidnap her for seeing the tiger. I'm just... Honestly so confused by everything happening in this scene. Final remark on this scene, I'm really not sure how Rose could tell exactly where the man was looking. It's hard to pinpoint the precise spot a person's eyes are on, especially at a distance.
I like the return mention of the markings because it makes one wonder just what they mean. Granted, I was more intrigued by it prior to the prologue being added back 😅
The plot seems to start moving as we move on from that. I do still have a few issues, like how it seems like the chaos starts out of nowhere, but that's more a writing thing. I also notice she's just... picking up on things most wouldn't think to notice. Most just go "swarming people!" and wouldn't really realize that quickly that there are no kids. Also, her dropping her satchel just seems... Very convenience based for the plot. Sure, shock, but also, years of training herself to treasure the object. You'd think that would override and make her keep hold of it instinctively. But either way, now she's in the building.
Which if all the exists are blocked by fire... how did she not burn away when she stepped out? And how is there any door to escape through to lead to another room? The fire seems to act very conveniently for Rose 😅
But the actual happenings are interesting. We are introduced to these shifters, which instantly also raises questions about the random tiger. And there seems to be a real focus on marks or hands or something, but I'm unsure why these guys have to look at the children's hands. It's all really interesting and has me intrigued. The ending also throws us right into a tense scene, which yay! Much more gripping than the start was, though I wonder if it would work better if you stopped right where they come face to face and have the question shouted up in the next chapter or something like that.
--- CHAPTER TWO
Definitely some instant curiosity when it comes to Tom! It's obvious he is working with some questionable people, but he's not turning her in and he seems conflicted about his own actions. Perhaps we was forced into all of this?
And the mystery continues with the men. So the child they want must be important, but if the big boss man is more worried about their briefcase... So perhaps they are connected to whatever got her parents killed? Either way, this boss man seems really ready to murder, meaning Tom is playing a crazy dangerous game.
Gotta say, her wanting to make a staircase out of books is a bit... out there xD I get she's desperate, but I'm not entirely sure how well she thinks duct tape is gonna work to hold it all together. I'm also not sure why she thinks that Tom would take the satchel from her. I mean, he obviously is not tattling on her, why would he want to take her bag?
Okay, so, uh. Fun fact. This is word for word what I have in my notes: "Glad the prologue was taken out, and lots of interesting aspects with the left behind things." So yeah... XD
Nope. Nuh-uh. Rose has lost all of my love now. First wanting to use books as steps, and now throwing them as weapons??? I'mma go tell boss man she's there for Tom >.> xD Speaking of, I'm sure whatever business the leader has, it isn't good business. Much sus.
Honestly, Tom's logic really confuses me. First, I don't understand why he is surprised that Rose doesn't know why he didn't turn her in. Second, I dunno... The assumption that she is in any way close to those men just doesn't make sense? She was just in the elevator with them? If she was close, why in the world would she come back up the elevator? There is a lot of intrigue with the men and what they're all about, but connecting them to Rose here just feels so contrived to me.
But on the plus side, magic! Always a great addition :D
And that draws to a close the chapters I read! More summation of my overall thoughts later!
Worldbuilding
I am definitely intrigued by the world here. It seems that there is no sun anymore? Because of air pollution it seems?
You've also done a great job sprinkling around intrigue of what seems to be different factions in this world! I'm guessing those with marks on their hands are bad guys, but that instantly counters the fact that the Leader and the magical kids were looking at their hands as if expecting the mark there. Meaning they expect the mark to be on whatever kid they're looking for, which I'm guessing is Rose?
However, I do think you can do more. You don't info dump, and that is good. However, you almost seem to do the opposite by giving us basically nothing. We know pretty much nothing about this world after a couple of chapters. She's been outside. You have a chance to show us what their outside looks like. You can delve into why the lobby is for some reason on the third floor. I don't have to know everything about your world, but I should at least feel like I know *something* about it. Right now, it's just a generic background that's there.
You also introduce us to magic in the form of shapeshifters (hah, form, shapeshifters... xD). This is more of a personal thing, but I do kinda wish there was more to their transformation? It just seems like they blink and suddenly either a human or animal is in front of them. I'm not saying it has to be a bone shattering transformation or anything, but just feeling the magic in the air or having a flicker of a mirage or something?
Otherwise, there's just not too much to talk about with world building because, again, not too much to go from xD
Writing Techniques
I'm going to start off with something that is prologue specific. There is no consistency with the distance of the narrative. At first you were referring to child Rose as "a child" and had a lot of "the mother" rather than "her mother." Then you just randomly get closer as if it's Rose PoV? Like, once her dad arrives, there is just this snap and the distance of the PoV changes. Other than this, though, the prologue was mostly clean. Just a couple little typo things, but the sudden shift in distance was really jarring.
But speaking of distance... We get to the biggest issue I have with your writing. It is painfully distant. Yes, I know, there is a lot of preference when it comes to just how close or distant one is with their PoV, but there are also just cases where it works better and where it doesn't. It isn't something that is technically wrong, but it is something I just don't find enjoyable.
Distant, if not omniscient, perspective works best in either whimsical settings (gestures to Howl's Moving Castle), sometimes in lighter--in terms of less emotion driven--mystery/thriller (gestures to Hercule Poirot novels), and sometimes in children's fiction just because of how simplistic the writing is so it doesn't really gain as much from the depth explored with closer perspective. Many novels today, though, are very character and emotion driven, and yours seems to be in that same vein. Basically *all* YA and NA are.
So although I can't say don't write distant narrative, I can say that I just don't think it works. At all. I have basically zero investment because the plot seems to be pretty focused on Rose's involvement and past, but the narrative is too distant for me to care. We aren't brought into Rose's head. Instead, we are told almost everything. You have an extreme amount of filter words like versions of feel, hear, see, etc. Rose has a thought and we are just told that she has the thought or realization. Things just happen and she just... is there. Experiencing it. Random tiger. Random grabbed.
We get no real emotion from the narrative. No real sense of Rose, of the world, of really anything, because it's all just too distant. And it just all falls very flat for me.
Fixing it is hard, because it requires a lot of work on voice and integrating it into the narrative. My best suggestion is to think of it as first person but with just a tad more distance. Really, third isn't much different from first except that you can switch PoVs and it not feel so weird and the fact you can change your amount of distance. But you still have to watch that you're not veering into omniscient amount of distant when you're writing third person limited. It just doesn't really mix well. Also, reading other books and studying how they do it is always a good plan.
This is honestly my main issue and what most of my notes revolved around. Everything else is pretty basic.
First because Sun Hotel is, like, a very specific hotel, it should always be Sun Hotel, with the h capitalized.
Another thing that you do a few times is incorrectly punctuating dialogue when an action tag breaks it up. Here's how the rule generally goes: if the dialogue tag breaks up a single sentence, then you use a comma at the end, but if the dialogue tag breaks up separate sentences, you use a period.
"Here is a sentence," the goat said, "where we separate the sentence."
"This is another sentence," the goat went on. "But it doesn't separate a single sentence."
Does that make sense? To help show you where you did this, check out the guy grabbing Rose from the elevator.
You're missing a lot of commas when it comes to conjunctions (and/but/or/etc.). The most basic rule is that if the part before and after the conjunction is a complete sentence, you'll put a comma before the conjunction. There is a lot more to it, but it's so complicated I actually was grateful when someone else offered to write a help chapter for me. So I do recommend checking out the chapter TakiZyn wrote for us over on the Dreamland Guide Book about conjunctions.
A minor thing, but "could be heard saying" in chapter two in reference to Tom is an example of where the distance is really showing in the narrative's writing style.
Final little nitpick that doesn't seem like just an editing bump is right at the start of chapter two. I'm only bringing it up because I'm unsure if you continue to do it, but you have an entire sentence that is in italics about Tom not turning Rose in. I couldn't tell if that was meant for emphasis, but I read it first as a thought then got really thrown off by the fact it was in third person. If it's for emphasis, ignore me, but if it's a thought, it needs to be first person. Though honestly, it would work fine as an indirect thought and just un-italicized.
The last two things are more just personal suggestion types of things. First, something about "the" Haven and "the" Centre just really threw me off. Okay, the Centre I could be okay with I guess, but they just both really seem like they'd work better without "the" before it. Okay, "the" Centre isn't as bad. I dunno. I have a place I refer to as the Sanctuary, but for some reason, it just feels off with the words you have.
The other thing is interrobangs. Which is the name for ?!, even if there's a more precise symbol for them. Anyway, it used to be said to avoid them like the plague, but there's been less and less complaints about them recently. Just watch that you use them sparingly. You have three of them in one area, which may not seem bad when it's the only ones you really use, but because of how close it was, I really noticed. Remember, things like italics for emphasis and just using strong words in the tags can be more than enough.
Other than that, again, I just see some small bumps that seem like missed editing moments. Your writing is really clean, just the execution really that had a lot of stumbling points for me.
Characters
This spot is very wonky because as I've already mentioned, the writing is very distant, which makes me feel very detached from the characters.
Rose... is a character. Going through things. The things that may have made me feel for her (living as an orphan, having to learn how to survive) are just told to us and then inconsistently shown. Like she has a bad feeling but just shrugs it off? That is very contrary to survival instincts. You have a bad feeling, you avoid what is giving it. And we are told she has all these skills, but because we are told rather than shown, it feels very insincere and forced. Overall, just a character with plot happening to her. And needs jailed for book abuse.
Tom is up and down. He may be veering toward cliche bad boy, but he seems to really regret what he's doing, so I am curious. Also, magical boi! Always a bonus.
Other than that, we just have some really confusing, pushy guys with a briefcase and a very angry bad dude.
I won't say any of the characters are bad, I just can't really get a feel for any of them.
In Closing...
It wasn't a bad story at all. There are some really interesting aspects, and honestly, the writing is very clean. I just could never really get invested because of the distance.
I have a note in my reviews from way back when I first started trying to do it where I say I agree with Pup, that really, this story just needs more. I know you want to just jump into the action, but I think it could help so much if you maybe rewind a bit, give us some time with Rose and her normal life, show us the world and its state, maybe sprinkle in mystery and clues, then show us how she's even able to stay at this hotel. I know everyone wants to start near where the plot gets fun, but when we are supposed to believe Rose skilled, it can help to backtrack a little.
I also think things will be a lot better with less of that distance. But that's something that will just come over time, but I really hope that awareness will help with it since really, it's so hard to help teach distance things.
Also some logic things that kinda bugged me, but hey, that's what happens in things that aren't the final draft.
Overall, a lot of potential, just working toward reaching it still, and I wish you all the luck to getting there <3