Title: Brainwashed Boarding
Author: Slothzilla07
Genre: General Fiction
Chapters Read: 1-2
Title & Cover
Your title is simple and effective, which is all that is really necessary. It suggests the school setting, and hints that there will be a bit of brainwashing going on, which is unique and intriguing. So that's good!
The cover feels a little plain. It reminds me of an older, classic-type book - what with the white background and picture in the centre. The font is nice, and it is an attractive cover, but I'm not sure it really fits the more modern style of your book. Though it does give off the boarding school vibe - but then again, your school is a little unique and I feel that should be reflected in the cover.
Summary
You introduce the book well - our character, setting, and the hooking factor of the unusual events we're going to encounter. Plus the final sentence adds an extra intrigue. Brainwashing never fails to be interesting.
However, to me, it feels unnecessarily long. There are parts you could cut to make it flow better, and feel less informal. For example, sentences like 'Key words "rule breaking"' and 'Where's "here" exactly?' aren't at all needed and make the summary seem overly chatty. I'd also make a new paragraph before you go on to introduce the school, so that the description of Freddi has its own paragraph. That description of the school itself could also easily be shortened - I think that you could probably cut out everything in between '... for Problem Children,' and 'the most elite...', and just blend them into one sentence. Then maybe that final comma could be a full stop, to put an emphasis on that last statement?
The second paragraph I like more, and I think that's the section that really adds interest. My only issue is the repetition of the word 'stuff' - I'd replace it with at least 'things' or even something like 'incidents', if you reworded it slightly. I just feel that 'stuff' is perhaps a little immature to be using for a book summary. You could also separate out the last sentence for effect, though that isn't necessary.
But the summary does set it up to be a unique and fun book! Let's get into it.
Hook
I'm just going to be honest here - I didn't find much of your first chapter particularly hooking. It was only in the very last part of the chapter did it actually start to get interesting for me.
You start the chapter with your character basically ranting at the reader, which I suppose is great characterisation but something I find a little off-putting. Then when she starts telling us about the school, there is a sentence lifted directly from the summary. There lies another turn-off.
However, it isn't long before we then get to the boys standing by her locker, which promises to be more interesting - and it is, as well as amusing, eventually. But before we get to the exchange between Freddi and the boys, we get a full-length paragraph description of each of them, plus more about the way each of them wears the uniform. Then one of Freddi herself. That's a lot of detailed description for when you're trying to hook readers in.
With hooks, I often find that the best way to do it is to throw readers right into the action. You can feed them the details later. What's most important in those vital first few paragraphs is for something interesting enough to happen that makes a reader keep scrolling down, rather than giving up and clicking away, which honestly is what I would have done. Meaning that many who might have enjoyed the action later on, like I did eventually, have missed out on it because they were put off by the beginning.
My advice would be to skip all the info-dumping at the start and begin the chapter instead with perhaps Freddi approaching the boys, or her talking to them, or even with her facing off against the Trinity, since she mentions running into them before this scene. Or she could be having the same rant we're told at the beginning but verbally, at a teacher? That way you actually have an exchange at the start in which the teacher could then tell her off or do some mean thing that shows how strict the school is rather than telling. You don't have to use any of those suggestions, but I would strongly advise finding some way to make the hook more interesting, preferably with us being put right in the middle of a scene.
A lot of people on Wattpad (myself included) have short attention spans and a rather large choice of books, so give them a reason to keep reading yours. Because they should! :D
Characters
One thing you are very good at is characterisation. Through the dialogue and small actions, you make personalities very clear, which is good. Especially Freddi - I love when first person dialogue feels as if it is generally written in the tone of that character, and she comes across very well.
I love her sarcasm. You didn't lie when you said in the summary that she was snarky. I'm pretty sure her default mood is irritated, which makes for some hilarious exchanges. However, I did think that her character slipped a couple of times. For example, I was quite surprised by this:
"Hi!" The brown haired one said at the same time I said, "Please don't hurt me!"
Grammatically, this isn't correct, since there shouldn't be two different speakers in one paragraph. And 'The' shouldn't be capitalised. But we can get to that in the next section. What shocked me was that Freddi was scared of these guys. Despite her showing both beforehand and after that she doesn't scare easily - or even if she does, she'd probably cover it with some snarky comment. I suppose this shows how intimidating the boys are, but you even said in a previous paragraph that one of the boys looked happy, and immediately afterwards they all seem quite harmless. So I wasn't sure about that.
She also seemed very affected by the three girls who call themselves the Trinity (which just makes me think of a church, but anyway), when really I'd think she'd be completely above their stupid insults and plastic good looks. But maybe that shows that although she acts tough, she's actually quite emotional inside - maybe there's even some sort of history of bullying there? I don't know. Maybe we'll get to see the complexity of her character as the book continues. In which case, that's really good and you've constructed a fantastic and interesting character.
Your other characters are good, too. The boys each have their own quirks that make them unique. Honestly, Nathan's dialogue made me laugh so hard. Such an odd little guy. AJ is just so nice and I love him. And you do a very good job of making me hate the Trinity. Honestly, it's so sad that they'd resorted to being such idiots. Grr. I hope they get what they deserve. Or maybe redemption would be nice? But mostly grr xD
Writing Style
For the most part, I like it. I like your character's voice, and your dialogue, and the flow and suspense that you have... at times. At other times, it doesn't flow at all, and that is for one simple reason.
Right near the start, just after the massive description of the three boys, Freddi tells us that she has a talent for describing 'all these details in people, taking in their every feature, especially for only seeing them for the first time'. I could call it a nice bit of characterisation - this is something you keep consistent throughout that shows what it's like to be looking through our character's eyes. But to me, it's more of an excuse to then describe everything in painful detail.
When you're telling a story, it doesn't work. Freddi might be noticing all these things, but the reader does not need to know every single thing about a character's appearance, or everything that is in a particular room. I found myself skipping long paragraphs because they contained only meaningless descriptions. If you cut all that out, your chapters would flow better - that bit at the start where she first sees the boys would feel quite tense if you just had her edging towards them cautiously, instead of ruining that possibility for suspense with too much imagery.
Instead, I would suggest giving us only key features - hair colour, build, height, perhaps skin or eye colour but only if it is really relevant (basically things that a normal, real person would see at first glance) - and instead of putting it in all one paragraph, weave it in amongst your action and dialogue. Have things like 'He ran his hand through his brown hair' or '... he said, flexing his bulging biceps' and bam. We have the details, without having it all dumped on us.
Apart from that, your writing is actually quite good - once I gave up and started skipping the description I enjoyed it a lot more. But unfortunately the overly detailed nature might put a lot of readers off.
Extra quick point - I'd advise against using brackets. Maybe it's just a personal annoyance of mine, but to me it seems to break up the flow in a narrative. Hyphens or commas, or even a separate sentence, can do the same job just as well.
In terms of grammar, I think the only mistake I noticed was a couple of slip-ups with dialogue - just remember not to capitalise dialogue tags. For example:
"Hey!" the brunette said.
Other than that, it was all good.
Plot
This is a concept I haven't exactly seen before, which is always a big tick because it makes the story far less predictable. I've read plenty of books about schools, but the idea of a school for problem children isn't something I've seen much of, and brainwashing... well, that's just fun. I'd be very interested in seeing where you take this.
There is one predictable point, though, and I suppose it's something you can't do much about. But... as soon as Lucas came out of that room, all acting weirdly after being in to see the headmaster, I guessed that he had been brainwashed. It isn't really a hard thing to guess. After all, the concept is in both your summary and title, so I knew it would come along at some point.
While that does add a certain amount of dramatic irony in that Freddi and the others don't know what's happened, for me it felt a bit flat. I don't get to wonder with Freddi what had happened and theorise and be confused. I pretty much already know, which I just found annoying. Like, come on guys! He's brainwashed! Please figure that out!
Of course, that might just be me. I get irritated at characters a lot (even my own), and it's not really a bad thing. And I don't know everything - I don't know how the headmaster did it or who else is brainwashed and if there's a way to reverse it or anything. So feel free to continue as you are. I just thought it worth mentioning.
Otherwise, I think the only problem is with the starting order of events, which I mentioned in the Hook section. Everything else stays pretty interesting, and the pacing is pretty good - apart from those moments with description dumps.
Overall Thoughts
I did really like your book! The only reason I didn't read on to the third chapter was a matter of chapter length and time - and also the frequent over-describing was dragging it out a little. But I did enjoy reading, and I think that mostly came down to your awesome characters. It didn't take long at all for me to start caring about them. I do also want to mention that some of your description was quite good - there was just too much of it.
So very good job! Keep writing, and I wish Freddi all the best. :D