Holding your child for the first time is not a feeling I can describe, I can only hope everyone has this chance in life to feel this thick emotion.
It may not have been the most thought out birth, but the fact Theo was able to hold me the entire time made it perfect for me.
The pain? Holy fucking shit... I'm still sore as Jane tugs away at my insides.
I've been dying inside waiting for this man to come back to me, falling apart every day I woke up without him nearby.
And I find him seconds before it happened.
They say you don't realise how much you love someone until that person is taken away.
That's how it felt for the past three months without Theo here with me.
However, if the fucker thinks for a second that I'm just letting this fly over my head, he has another fucking thing coming.
Did he sleep with that girl? Or girls?
As soon as we are out of this daze I'll be sure to have a little word with him, if he leaves again then I am completely done.
"He looks just like you." I smile up at him, Theodore has his small wrinkled fingers wrapped around Theo's index finger.
He has the same scowl as Theo.
I've seen him happy plenty of times, but the smile on his face and the way his blue eyes are melting makes me feel complete.
"You know he will get called Teddy, don't you?" Theo says, still smiling. "That was my name as a bairn."
"Bairn?" I ask, confused.
"It's what Scottish say for baby." He laughs, "I'm going to need to teach you more words so Teddy can hold up my side of the heritage."
I roll my eyes at him and lift up Theodore so he can hold him, I've never seen someone go white so fast in my life.
"You'll be OK," I say, placing him in his arms and watch him freeze.
Jane is finished whatever she was doing, the sting is there and I'm sure I might have just pushed a fucking watermelon out of me.
"Everything looks good, congratulations you two! I'll give you a minute and we can try feeding him." She beams, clapping her hands and skipping out the door.
I'm leaning up against the wall while Theo walks around the shop floor whisper some slang that makes no sense.
Something about being a belter and how he's going to be a legend like his dad.
I roll my eyes again and try to stand up.
"Wow, Zara. Be careful." Theo says, cradling Theodore with one arm and holding me up with the other, looking me up and down then slides his hand to clasp with my own.
As soon as our fingers tangled together I let my tears fall. "You have no idea how much I missed you, Theo. Please don't leave me, don't leave us." I beg him.
"You really want me here?" He looks almost lost as if he wasn't expecting my words. "Why? I'm a fuck up Zara. You have Thomas."
"You are here, stood holding your son while holding my hand and I'm crying my eyes out, begging you to stay and that's not enough? And, fuck Thomas." I snap.
He pulls my hand around his waist and wraps his arm around my shoulders.
We stand like this for a while, minutes have passed, feeling like hours of staring at our son.
I feel complete.
"Why don't we head back and I can talk you through breastfeeding," Jane says as she enters the shop, Crawford behind her with a smile in his face.
"Fucking hell." He says, eyes darting between the three of us. "And then there were three." He smiles.
We all nod and gather our things, enough diapers for a lifetime and baby clothes.
It was hard and uncomfortable to walk when I just gave birth, everything hurts.
Crawford helped me the whole way while Theo stared endlessly at our son.
We got to the entrance and Thomas is sitting, waiting.
"Zara! Are you ok?" He says but stops in his tracks when he spots Theo, his eyes falling to the small wrinkled up baby curled up in his arms wrapped in a blue blanket and a white hat.
"What happened, why are you here?" He asks Theo.
To be honest, the boy looks heartbroken.
"Zara bumped into us and out popped Teddy." He smiled, tilting his arms so Thomas can see but he takes a small look, turns and walks away, not taking his eyes off me.
What?
"What was that about? And his name is Theodore." I growl at Theo.
Theo shrugs and walks in, we follow and sit for the next two hours while Theo watches with a freaked-out expression as Jane help me latch Theodore on to me.
"I'm never going to do that again." he rubs his eyes with his knuckles.
"Do what?"
"Suck on your tits." He says, earning him a slap on the arm from Jane.
"Disgusting." She shakes her head and covers her ears.
Theo eventually goes away and stops stating at my breast, pulling Thomas outside and I'm dreading what conversation they are having.
I really need to speak to Theo about what this girl had said, he called my name out while fucking both of them, he slept with two girls? Not at the same time, surely.
And then Thomas, how would she know the size difference? She isn't wrong which makes me even more curious... not mad, curious.
Jane tells me to go get some fresh air while she sits down with a sleeping Theodore, not fucking Teddy that Theo keeps calling him.
I'm going to go out there and tell Theo that we both made mistakes, we both messed the other about but I'm done with it all, I want to be a family.
Me, him and our blue-eyed son.
As soon as the entrance doors closed I'm pulled to the side by someone dressed in black thick clothing and a mask I've never seen before covering his face.
"Zara," Theo says before his Dad's gun hits the side of his head.
Oh my god, my son is in there!
Theo, Thomas and Crawford are lined up in front of me, hands behind their heads.
Why is Drew standing beside Mac, smirking at me?
"Please don't do this," I beg him as he lifts the gun to Crawford's head and pulls the trigger.
I gasp and bite down on my cheek hard since my hands are held behind me.
I can see the rage building inside of Theo, not looking down at Crawford who has his eyes open staring in his direction, blood spilling out of his head and streaming down to me.
"Now, do I have all your attention?" He glances at us all, while someone behind us chains the door shut.
Theodore.
"My fucking kid is in there!" Theo yells as he tries I get up, his face is already wet from tears, his best friend lying dead next to him.
"One more step Theo and I shoot her." The gun to my head again, he better not even think about sparing my life.
"Let's pull back, we have a firework show to see." Drew smiles at me, an evil and wicked smile that I will never forget.
"Don't you fucking dare touch me!" Theo yells again and pushes Drew off him and throws himself on top of him, Drew's head slamming to the ground before Mac loads his gun and points to me again.
Theo stops and lifts his hands, "Dad, you have a grandson in there... my son, who was born hours ago." He takes a step towards him. "You need to let Zara get him."
"What makes you think I want anything to do with a bairn with the blood of a Coulter?" He spits.
"Boss, we got one minute left here...pull back," Drew says, lifting up a gadget with a red button.
"What did you do?" I ask Drew, barely audible.
We've been dragged away from the hall now, Theo is doing everything he can to break free from all the men holding him down.
"Do you know how easy it is to plant explosives under that building without you all knowing?" He laughed. "As easy as 1...2...3..." he pressed the button and popped up a 60-second countdown, handing it to me and stepping back.
My eyes bulge out as I push past them, yelling as loud as I can with incoherent words.
Theo manages to get up, he and Thomas are fighting people off trying to run for the building.
Thomas is then pinned to the ground, gun to his head as he tries to wrestle his way out.
Everything is so slow, why can't we run faster?
Theo is closer, the timer at twenty seconds now.
I feel my body jerking forward, the force of something sharp pushing through my shoulder. The loud bang to confirm what had happened, I've been shot.
I stop dead in my tracks, the sound of Thomas screaming my name out and his face changing to horror.
Theo is at the doors now... pulling them open and running in.
He glanced over his shoulder when the shot was fired and I know he will do the right thing and get our son.
I look down, blood ticking down and drop to my knees then falling to my side.
Thomas is holding my head, I can hear his cries for me as my eyes are fixed on the hall, waiting for Theo to exit with our son.
Just that one bit of reassurance I need that the two boys I love most in this world have survived.
I hear a beep coming from Drew who is above me now, pushing Thomas away and whispering to me that it's 'bombs away' and laughing.
I watch as numerous flashes explode from under the hall, the windows exploding and then what seems like a volcano erupting before me, the hall is in a ball of fire.
The ground below me is thundering, Mac and his team have are dragging me away while one knocks Thomas unconscious and drags him too.
I stare at the carnage, my sight blurring until I can no longer stay awake.
I just lost them.
I had them, and lost them just as fast.
My heart twists in my chest.
I have no one.
No Theo, no Theodore.
-OLD VERSION-UNEDITED
BOOK 2 - Theo's story and the continuation, all from his POV. (Hopefully the writing isn't as shitty but heyho)