Thomas is distant, barely speaking to me.
It has been a long time since Theo left, left us. Months since he walked out of the hall without a glance at me.
I miss him, it's like all those puzzle piece finally locked in and I can't study the image because he isn't here.
I have been to the pond every night since wrapped up in Theo's coat and talking away to Baby Coulter.
I don't know what else to call him, he can have my surname.
This night isn't cold, dragging my feet on the dirt below the swing that my ass just fits into, the wind is barely even a slight breeze and the moon is bright enough that I didn't need my torch.
I keep having these niggling tense pains that last a few minutes then fade since yesterday. Jane said it was my body preparing itself, feeling around my stomach and informing me the head is now in position.
I'm going to experience something that will change my life forever, change my body and even the way I carry myself. I need to be strong for my child, show him that I can do this with or without Theo.
In all honesty, I miss him.
I miss him so much that my eyes water and I have to sit down when I think about him. Jane has sat with me multiple times as I lay my head on her shoulder and let it all out, sobbing until I fell asleep.
I know he left because he didn't think he could be a good father. I mean, I don't think I'd make a good mother but you don't see me running.
If I could see him one more time, just once more, I would tell him that I'm in the same position as him, that we could work together to be the best parents we could possibly be and ensure the safety of our child.
The way Thomas has been with me has been quite the eye-opener that we shouldn't be together, if he loved me then he would stand by my side no matter what.
Would Theo act the same as him though?
Would he turn his nose up when he saw the stretch mark's over my belly, back and breasts?
Would he hold my hand while I struggled to sleep, walk with me while I strolled in the night and rub my back when the pain was unbearable like Jane does?
A part me of me thinks we would.
I shouldn't be nagging at Thomas to talk to me about baby names and how the fuck we were going to feed, clothe and find diapers for the baby.
It should be Theo.
What if he escaped already and found someone else, taking her out on dates and having the life I wished I had with him.
Then, my body shivers at the very thought... what if our fathers found him, would he be alive?
"So, this is where you run off to, it's a bit risky hiding away out here with who knows out there lurking." Drew appears, walking down the lane to where I sit on the swings, I smile at him as he takes the swing next to me.
"I like how peaceful it is..." I trail off, eyes on the moon.
"We found something, Thomas and I." He says, taking a big swing so I can feel the air wafting toward me. "We aren't sure how safe it is, but we are going to check it out and see if it is."
"What did you find?" I ask, curious.
"It's a pipe that runs alongside the tunnel under the factory, it's quite narrow so I'm not too sure larger people would fit." He says as he stops his motion and glances to my stomach, the white top is tight and the outline of my belly button is very clearly in view.
I cover myself with Theo's coat and step up from the swing. "I can wait."
"Oh, yeah, I meant to say as well that Theo and Crawford are at the town hall."
What?!
I spin round and stare at him, "You couldn't tell me that ten minutes ago?" I say harshly, picking up my bottle of water and going as fast as I can back to the hall.
The penguin waddle is out on full force for the next half an hour, arms swinging to the side to try speed myself up. My back is aching, feet pulsing and sweat beading down me by the time I make it back to the entrance, panting like a dog as I push the door open.
"Where is he?" I yelled out as I searched the hall for his stupid blonde head.
"Theo?" I called out, eyes blown at this point as I run into the office then the washroom.
Thomas appeared behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders.
"He's gone, he was only there to get some things and left again." He said softly turning me around and placing his hands on the side of my face.
"Where did he go? Why didn't he wait for me to come back?" I'm fully sobbing by now, sniffing and snotty as my body shakes.
"He didn't ask anything about you, didn't even mention your name." He replied. His hands drop from my face and take a step back. "You really do love him, don't you?" He asked, no judgement in his tone.
"Yes. I love you, too." I admit.
It's true, I do love them both. But, I'm starting to think I love the idea of Thomas. He is the perfect man, inside and out.
But I'm in love with Theo, crazily, madly and downright idiotically in love with the rude Scottish asshole.
"I know, it's hard for me to watch you like this... I know he should be here." He says, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a warm embrace.
"For once, I actually wish the fucker was here too." He laughs into my hair and I join him.
"When did he leave? Could I catch up to him?" I ask, pulling away so my eyes fall on his hazel ones.
"A while ago, wait... how did you know he was even here?" He asked, raising a brow as he pushed a lock of hair behind my ear.
"Drew came and told me," I say, running my runny nose along Theo's sleeve. Oops.
"Drew? But he didn't know Theo was here... he went out hours ago and hasn't come back yet." He drops his arms and looks around the room. "Did he come back with you?"
Coming to think of it, Drew didn't come back with me. He walked in the opposite direction.
"No... he walked the other way, down past the gas station." I bite my lip, this sounds sketchy.
"What the fuck." He scratched the back of his head. "That's weird."
I agreed with him before we start walking back out the washroom. Jane jumps up from her sleeping bag and heads in our direction with a worried look.
"Will you help me go after Theo? We can take Jane in case anything happens. We need him, Thomas. I need him." I say as Jane reaches us and hold me at arm's length, inspecting me.
"Are you OK? I heard he was here... I hope you got the chance to speak with him." She says, smiling to me as she wipes away my nearly dried in tears.
"I missed him." my lip trembles again and my chin twitches as I try to hold myself together.
"You will get another chance, I promise dear... let's get some sleep and we can go baby clothes shopping tomorrow."
There is a town across the river, with big shops that are bound to have baby stuff. The place we were in was lucky to even have a gas station. One that was emptied as soon as we got here.
I fell asleep as she played with my hair, something my mother did when I got upset about school or my friends treating me like shit. Jane reminded me of her, same age, same hair colour and the same soft tone to her voice that would comfort a crying baby, lucky me.
We woke up quite early, Thomas was nose to nose with me and Jane had fallen asleep on his lap with her hand over my stomach.
It gives me a chance to study his features that I have neglected to care for recently. The obvious stress lines giving him the older look, but his chiselled look is there, the cheekbones that would slice your fingertips and the fluffy dark hair that is currently sticking up from sweat.
I don't get the same fluttering feeling like before.
"If you are finished, you can get dressed and head out." I hear Jane's judgey voice behind me. I hadn't noticed she had sat up and got ready herself while I traced my fingers over Thomas.
I roll my eyes and get a quick cold shower before pulling on a summer white dress, tugging my thick hair into a pony. "Let's go."
It took us forever to get past the river, holding my converse in my hand while trying to rock hop over to the other side. Jane had a huge bag on her back full of all the tools if I were to go into labour, she was always carrying it around.
I'm terrified for when it happens, what if something happens to me? Or worse, the baby?
This place is beautiful, clean and quiet.
You wouldn't think it was so close to us with all the white townhouses and smooth roads.
"Over here, this place will have baby stuff," Jane says as she points to a big store. We pack loads of diapers, wipes, mitts and little hats in both pink and blue into the bag. Jane disappears for a few minutes before reappearing with the smallest sleepsuit I had ever seen, it was crisp white and smells so fresh.
"Thank you." I smile, she packs a few more in and we head to a clothing store that had the words 'Tippie toes' on the shop window.
I push the door open and nearly lose my footing when I see Theo standing, staring at the blue baby clothing sprawled over the walls.
He turns abruptly and stares at me. I should run into his arms and beg him not to leave me and especially not to leave his child fatherless.
I should beg him to be a family and work it out together.
Instead, I lose my shit.
"Where the fuck have you been?!"
-OLD VERSION-UNEDITED