I needed to remember.
I wanted to know this man more than anything, the feelings I have around him seem to have me challenging my every action the past few hours.
I have hatred for him but something stronger is lurking and I have to know.
The slight excitement I had was the first wave of emotional connections for him when I realised we couldn't leave yet. It was risky to be here but I would stay here for weeks on end if we could.
Every conversation we had brought me closer.
When his lips pressed to mine I felt something indescribable.
But when it came to the sex, something I thought would be the key to the locked chest, buried somewhere full of the missing pieces of Theo and I.
It didn't work.
I loved Thomas and it made sense when Theo declared I had chosen him. He would never speak to me again if he ever found out what had happened here, sleeping with someone he had grown so close to.
Theo is just as bad, Thomas is his friend so I wouldn't be taking the full blame.
I should be worried about what he will do, but I'm not?
Deep down, I know Thomas will always be there for me.
Deep down, he is still that little boy who ran after the popular girl and did her homework, pleading for her attention.
The first time I had ever kissed him I had swerved his every move, he told a number of people about it and I had suppressed it which in turn, got him tormented more for being a liar.
I watched as boys kicked the shit out of him and spat in his face. I didn't try to stop it, I stood aside applauding along with everyone else.
I had to watch the whole school belittle him every single day. I laughed along with people, but when I got home and met him round his back garden I would kiss him some more.
But, he would give Theo a run for his money nowadays.
He wasn't this timid boy whose hands would shake as they held onto my hips and got nervous when I sat on him in his treehouse.
I was so certain that I would and did lose my virginity to him. I think I lost it to Theo, I have a vague memory of me being anxious and him trying to comfort me while sliding his knees between my legs.
I remember his whispers in my ear of how much he loved me, wanted a forever with me while I fought through the sting.
Some parts have come back, the relationship between the two of them wasn't the best, they hated each other because of me.
I know stuff went on between us, I care about Theo in ways that were different from Thomas. I know my feelings for the two of them have gone back and forth, playing with their heads.
I loved them both and I'm selfish enough to want both and I succeeded.
Theo is still standing staring at me, waiting for me to say something in return to me choosing Thomas. I open and close my mouth a few times but never breaking his gaze.
"This is a mistake and you know it, Zara."
Something inside me snaps and I blow up. "Why did you sleep with me then?"
"You didn't give me much choice, I tried to stop!" He throws his arms up and yanks at his hair. "You kept telling me not to stop and pulling me to you, what else was I supposed to fucking do?"
"Maybe, just maybe, you could have grown a pair of balls and properly stopped it. I mean, no wonder I choose Thomas if this is the way you act." I snap at him. "Maybe you could have told Thomas you weren't coming here and saved yourself all this drama."
He shakes his head at me, biting his lip trying to hold back his laugh. "You are unbelievable." Standing and walking out my room he whispers over his shoulder. "Don't worry, when we get back I'll be gone for good."
My stomach drops and butterflies fill in large flocks inside me.
"You can't leave!" I yell out without thinking and he stops and turns to me.
Why can't he? He doesn't want me.
Every fibre of me pushes forward, my legs taking me straight to him and I wrap my arms around his neck and crash my lips to his.
He most definitely doesn't want me nor cares for me. He pushes me off and sighs while rubbing his face with both hands. "You need to stop this, you're playing a very dangerous game here."
"I took a test, is it yours?" I stare blankly at him with my arms folded and foot tapping on the floor. "Or could Thomas be the father?"
I'm well aware we are both fully naked in my hallway, his eyes are darting all over my physique then back to my face.
"You fell pregnant when we were still together." He takes a step closer to me and my heart skips a beat, he shouldn't be affecting me this way. I hated him yesterday and the thought of us two together was close to impossible.
"Thomas said the two of you... you know, weeks after." He chews on the inside of his cheek. "Well, unless you were fucking someone else then yeah, the kid is mine. I already told Thomas I would stay out the way."
"I didn't," I reply flatly. "I'm not like that."
He's laughing at me now, not a funny laugh but a sadistic laugh.
"Yeah, OK." He shakes his head.
It's as if I gained feelings for him within the space of hours, every glare at each other and when his hands would trace my skin on purpose had me falling to pieces.
Thomas made me feel the exact same way, his kisses were heated and deep. One night we were close to having sex merely a few feet from Theo, his hand dipped below my shorts and curled inside of me while the other hand covered my mouth to stop any noises.
My free hands were stroking him while massaging his balls and the precum on my sleeve was visible the next morning.
The whole time I kept glancing over to Theo's sleeping form to make sure he couldn't see, I wasn't sure why I was so worried about him knowing at that point.
I'm still feeling explosive from my euphoric state not long ago, I didn't want to fight about who wants who and who should be with who. All I care about is this moment and we can deal with everything after.
If he is the father then we need to make things work. But, I couldn't ever be without Thomas.
That's where I draw the line, he WILL be in our lives.
When we get back I will need to tell Theo that I will still be with Thomas and just hope that he doesn't leave, and I really hope he doesn't tell Thomas what went down with us.
"Can we just have this night. Please, Theo." I beg him when my hands placed on his chest. I can see he is fighting an inward battle with himself and his eyes travel from my lips, back to my eyes.
He does that a lot.
"You need to get clothes on before I fuck you against every wall in this house." He says with a serious tone, I can see that he is starting to swell again.
Already? It's been like ten minutes!
I gulp, a small smile starting to form on my face. "I would like that," I say flirtatiously, my nails grazing his skin lightly as they travel down his body.
"No more marks " he grabs my hands, glaring at me.
Let's just be honest here, if he were to try put his dick anywhere near me right now I could scream. I felt raw and in need of a shower.
I left him in the hallways as I got washed up and I skipped back to bed in just my girl boxers and a crop top that could barely hide the bottom of my breasts.
Theo went in after me and is already in bed half asleep when I returned. I suppose it did take me nearly an hour.
"Theo... are you awake?" I whisper into his ear while I curled up next to him, his arm draped over me as he turned to face me.
"Mhmm..." his voice raspy.
"Are you sleeping here?" I ask him and he opens one of his eyes to look at me.
"You don't miss much do you, Babe." He chuckles and leans his forehead against mine. "Go to sleep, we will head back in a few hours it's already seven am."
I should sleep, but I can't. The thought of us going back and me not having this with Theo again has me panicking.
My fingertips lightly graze his lips, then up to his sharp cheekbones to his eyebrow. There is so much of him that has me wondering more, I wanted all of him at the same time as wanting all of Thomas.
When the time comes, and it will. Would I be able to choose one over the other?
Could I choose Thomas and lose Theo? I would never get this again, I would never feel his half-naked body pressed up against my own and his fingers playing in my hair.
But, If I did choose Theo I would lose the one person I have loved for as long as I can remember. I have always been crazy in love with Thomas and to give that up for the sake of... Theo. It doesn't seem rational in the slightest, even if I am carrying his child.
I am taking full advantage of this moment though, my hands drop to his boxers and I palm him.
"Zaraaaaa.... please, don't." He moans but doesn't make a move to stop me except shifting on to his back so I had better access and moving his hips with my every move. I can hear his breathing become ragged when I grab him fully through his boxers.
"Fuck, stop." He says as he grabs my hand and brings his face to mine, plants a soft kiss against my lips but I break his softness and kiss him back, hard.
He's holding back, trying to push me off him when crawl on top but he wants me, his dick is digging against my thigh begging for me to lower down on to him.
I free his erection and run my tongue down my palm before sliding it down his shaft to make it wet.
"Fucking hell you've turned into a filthy bitch, Zara." He closes his eyes and throws his arm over to cover his face, the other hand digging into my hip.
With a firm grip around him, I pump my hand up and down, watching his chest rise and fall.
"Fuck it." He says before flipping us over and shoves his tongue down my throat.
Who knows how long the thrusting and heavy breathing has been going on. He has littered my body with little red marks from his mouth and his hand clamping my ass tightly while he crashed into me, I'm fucking howling by this point.
"Fu... I fucking love you." I call out without thinking, my teeth embed in his shoulder.
They feel real, the way the words fall from my lips, as if I've been holding them in for eternity.
I see us... both straddling a tree branch up high, watching the sunset, his lips on mine.
I feel his hands on my body while he teaches me to shoot, climb, fight.
I can hear him tell me he loves me on repeat, the dove tattoo on his arm before I fall asleep every night.
I can feel the heartbreak and betrayal. The loss and the raw emotions.
I feel love.
"I love y..." Theo goes to reply, but his words are cut off as he releases inside of me, grunting into my ear as I feel my walls close over, flashes of white behind my eyes. My orgasm crashes into me, nearly causing me to pass out while Theo grabs into me and relentlessly thrusts into me until his body collapses, mine too.
We hear the front door burst open and a very familiar voice yelling my name.
My eyes widen.
Thomas.
-OLD VERSION-UNEDITED