He tried so hard to focus on his homework, but he was hideously nervous. He'd never been this nervous in his life. A couple of times he got up, wondering if he was actually going to throw up, but he just about kept it together.
By now he knew pretty much what he had to say to Brett. He was going to trust Lily and be honest; he just wished he knew how Brett would take it.
Fuck, he was so nervous! These weren't butterflies, dancing in his belly, it was ornithomimuses!
He breathed deeply to settle his stomach and tried once again to focus on his chemistry homework.
It was with shaking hands that he tied he shoelaces at 2:30. He knew he'd be way early, but he just couldn't stand waiting another minute.
¨Bye mum, I'm off to Brett's, my homework's done!¨ he called, managing to keep his voice in check. Quickly he closed the front door behind him and allowed himself to close his eyes for just a moment.
Come on mate, don't be a wuss. Get on with it.
The walk to Brett's house had never seemed longer, every step feeling like he was wading through wallpaper paste. He knew it might be the last time he did this walk.
When Eddy rang the bell and Brett came to open the door he took one look at Eddy's face and paled.
¨Bro, what the fuck? You okay?¨
Eddy's lip began to quiver and he shook his head. The power of speech seemed to have deserted him.
Brett inhaled and seemed to make a quick decision.
¨Mum, I'm just going for a walk with Eddy!¨ he called into the house.
Then he slipped his shoes on, closed the door and took Eddy by the hand, dragging him along in the direction of the park around the corner.
Eddy followed meekly as Brett walked through the park without saying a word. When they got to a secluded quiet spot where there was no one who could see them he motioned to a bench and Eddy sat down.
¨Okay, so talk to me.¨ Brett said, his tone serious.
Eddy looked at him, tears already brimming in his eyes, and he breathed deeply, trying to settle the nerves. He groped around for words but then, before he knew it, they started falling out of him anyway.
¨Brett... I'm so sorry. I should never have tried this with Lily. I know it hurt you and I'm so sorry. I hurt you and I hurt Lily too.¨
Brett looked at him with his deep koala eyes and shook his head.
¨You didn't do anything wrong, Eddy. We made a decision. I get that you wanted to move on.¨
¨That's the thing though, I didn't move on, I couldn't move on.¨
This was it, here it was, the moment of truth. Once he said this, he could never unsay it. But he had to. He had to.
¨Brett... I... I'm not in love with Lily, I'm in love with you. I'll never be in love with Lily, or any other girl. I'm not going to kiss anyone else anymore or go out with anyone. Even if we can't be together yet, I won't do that anymore. I'll wait, wait for you, until we're older.¨
A sob escaped his throat as he added: ¨If... if you'll have me, that is.¨
He'd never seen Brett so pale as he sat in complete silence, frozen, his eyes wide.
¨Please, fuck, Brett, say something.¨ Eddy said, his tears running down his cheeks now.
Then Brett nodded slowly, tears pooling in his own eyes now.
¨Do... do you mean this?¨ he whispered. ¨Because if you don't, don't say it, Eddy. I've been so sad. I don't want to be that sad again.¨
Eddy took both of Brett's hands in his own and took another deep, shaky breath.
¨I'm gay, Brett. I'm gay.¨