Chapter 16
Sienna's POV
The pain that radiates through the car, gets stronger with every minute that passes by. The pain presses down on me and I feel like it is crushing my heart, like it is being squeezed between someone's palms. It feels like it is being squeezed of all life and love.
I know if I feel like this then he is feeling something twice as bad as I am. The pain he is feeling is crippling him and as I turn my head to watch him, I see the pain fixed in his brown eyes. The pain I have caused is going to live with him forever and he will always remember this time, this moment. He will always remember the hurt I caused and the pain he is feeling now. He will remember the day I finally broke his heart, I broke it and there isn't any going back from this. We both know this is it indefinitely for us and that's why this time is so much harder than all the others.
This isn't the first mistake I have made, but this is the biggest one and the most damaging. This will always live with me and the pain in his eyes will live with me until the die I day.
He may have not been ready for a family with me and he may be relieved he doesn't have to go through with that, but knowing he has lost me is what hurts him. He loves me, he always has and he's realising now, I never loved him fully. I never loved him like I should have done.
There aren't any words for either of us to speak, nothing can ease the pain or the tension, which has now been created between us. I want to tell him I'm sorry, I want to ask him to still be my friend, but there isn't any point. There isn't any reason for me to remain a permanent fixture in his life. He doesn't need me, he never did. I'm the one who always needed him, I relied on him and I don't think I'm strong enough to get through everything without him.
I want him by my side, that safe guard protecting me from the burning flame that is the world. He stopped me so many times from being burnt, even though I scolded him time and time again. All I have ever done to him is lead him to the dark and I left him there, I left him with no light and no way out.
We both know he should have walked away from me, but he had an uncontrollable need for me. A need that would always be his downfall and there isn't any way for him to pick himself back up from that, not until I walk away completely. I am finally walking away and setting him free, even though my selfishness makes me want to cling to him and never let him go.
The growing anxious feeling in my stomach gets stronger and my eyes remain fixed on him. There is a part of me that needs to take control of what is going on. I need to know how everything is going to work out, it's never going to be that simple though, not now that Harry Styles is involved.
There isn't any point relaying on Harry, he lets me down, he always has. I had it all planned in my head before tonight, I knew exactly what I wanted and my stupidity ruined that. The want and the need flowing through my veins made me weak and made me ruin everything by telling them the truth. I know it would have come out eventually, I just wish I had handled it better.
I wish I could have spared Liam from all of this first. I would have protected him and allowed him to flee, let him leave without me and let him do this on his own terms. I never meant to hurt him, I didn't want to do that. I never planned on loving him and Harry, I never planned on my heart racing faster whenever I saw Harry. I never wanted the Goosebumps forming on my skin whenever he looked at me or touched me. I never intended on having anything to do with him. I can't control what's in my heart, just like Liam can't help what's in his heart for me.
Liam flicks on his left indicator and he takes the next turning. I feel sadness rise inside me, it rises up to my throat, making it tighten and then to my eyes, making them fill with tears. I try to push the hurt and sadness away, but they remain. I hold the tears in, even as he gets closer to my hotel and not his apartment, where I thought he was taking me. I know it's stupid, I know he won't want to spend time with me, not now.
I was hoping though that he would give me one more night, one more night for us to be together. I don't want him to kiss me, I just want to be held by him. I want to feel his toned arms wrapped around me, pressing his body against mine. I want to feel safe with him, I want to be with him one last time. I want us to love each other purely for one more night.
I don't want to be alone and I didn't think he would want to be either. There is so much more to think about and so much pain to handle, I don't even know how I will get through the night. I hate how we are ending this, I hate how abruptly we are parting and how cruelly we are ending our time together. I wish I could have been better for him, I wish I had taken some of his kindness, using it myself and showing kindness to him. I wish I could have been better. I wasn't though and now we are both going to have to get used to being alone.
The pain of the last few days seems to be never ending and I just want to sleep until everything is better, I want to sleep until all of the misery has gone and everything feels better.
Why can't everything just be ok?
I wish I could go back in time and for tonight to never have happened. I would remove it from our memories and play out things like I had planned. I would make myself fully love Liam and he would love me. I just want him to tell me it will all be ok and that it will all work out. I can't accept yet that Liam can't be the one to make it all ok, like he has always done before. He doesn't know how to make it ok and neither do I. I should have appreciated him when I had him, I realise that now and if an apology meant anything, I would speak those words until my throat dried up and nothing could leave my dried lips anymore. I would keep repeating them until he had to accept them and they slowly healed his aching heart.
They are just words though and words can't cement the cracks I have formed. I am realising that his soft red lips will never meet mine again and the stubble on his chin will never graze my face again. His intent stare will never fix onto me and he will never stare back at me like I am his entire world. He will never twirl my hair between his fingers and never run those fingers against my soft skin. I will never feel beautiful just by the look in his eyes and the small smile forming on his lips, when he saw me. I will never feel how he made me feel again. I was lucky to ever experience that and I am thankful I was lucky enough to have them, I have to be thankful.
I finally remove my eyes from his pained face and I stare out of the window screen. My hotel comes into view and he slowly pulls up outside it. He switches off the engine and he rubs his eyes. I'm not sure if he rubs them due to emotion or if he is tired, maybe both.
I stare down at my hands, too emotional and hurt to stare at him. I urge him to speak, without saying a word myself. I need to hear his voice, his sweet voice that will sooth a part of me.
He clears his throat and I realise he is preparing to speak, making my stomach tighten with nerves.
"I'm going to pack up your stuff later, the ones you left at my apartment when you left last time" he tells me.
He speaks kindly, but due to the circumstances the words are actually brutal. He isn't doing this or saying it to be kind, he is saying this to confirm he is done with me. He is being honest and I wish I had the ability to be honest with him. I would tell him how much he means to me, I don't though. My guard is slowly rising and I am doing what I can to protect myself again.
He is just trying to remove me from his life by material things, but we both know inside it will take a long time for him to remove me. He will still feel my touch, he will still hear my voice and it's only when he lets them go will he be over me. It's going to be a quick break up, which will still hurt. It will be like pulling off a plaster, quick yet painful. I know this is it, it's ending.
"Fine" I say, removing his jacket from covering my legs.
I can smell his scent on it, soap and shampoo. I wish I could keep it and take it to bed with me tonight, trick my mind into thinking he is still by my side.
We aren't going to shout or fight, we are just going to end this. We aren't going to cause any malice between us. It isn't going to be bitter, but it doesn't mean we can end this as friends.
We will still be able to greet each other, a quick hello here and there. Maybe even a 'how are you' if we catch one another on a good day. We won't be friends and all the secrets I have shared with him will still be held deep in his chest and the new ones I have will have to be kept to myself. I won't be able to share with him my hopes and fears or even how my day has been.
That's the worst part for me and the part that pains me the most. I'm not just losing someone I love and I have been in a relationship with. I am losing one of my best friends, I knew I was risking that friendship as soon as we got together. I knew I would lose him and my fears were right. That's what hurts the most, losing everything that we are and everything we achieved. It's losing the person he helped me become.
"I'll give your stuff to Niall and he can give it back to you" he tells me, pressing his lip together tightly to stop the emotion from escaping.
He obviously doesn't want to see me, not for a while anyway. It seems surreal that everything we have had is going to be ended just like this, like there is nothing to even discuss.
"I could come and get my stuff from yours" I find myself suggesting "I think we still have a few things to talk about" I advise.
Surely, he has some more questions for me and other things to say to me.
"I don't have anything left to say to you, you've made things pretty clear" he says.
He doesn't speak harshly, he just says them like we are having a normal day to day conversation.
I nod and I feel my bottom lip start to tremble. I am trying to hold in the tears, but it isn't an easy task to follow through with. It's hard to accept this is it for us, this is our goodbye. I know it isn't a definitive goodbye, it's just a goodbye to our relationship.
I hate knowing that nobody else could have handled everything Liam did whilst we were together. There isn't anyone else who could have been as kind and as patient as he has been. I hate that I won't have anyone like that again, nobody else could handle or put up with what he did. The tears start to fall thick and fast, even the camera flashes from afar can't stop me from laying out how I feel.
"Can I have one last hug?" he asks in a small voice, surprising me.
I nod, knowing I can't refuse him this request, because I want to hug him too. We both remove our seatbelts and we lean across the gearstick to meet one another. I press my body against his and he wraps his arms tightly around me. I allow this moment to imprint in my mind, I remember this as the softest yet firmest hug I have ever had. I feel his own heart beating against me furiously and I wish I could speak to tell him how much I will always cherish our time together.
I can't speak, I am too busy crying into him and it hurts when I feel his own body shake, his own tears flowing. He still tries to comfort me, even though he is crying himself. That's Liam though, he has always put me first and I wish I had done the same too.
"I would have loved you until my last breath, I'd have done anything for you" he whimpers into my ear, holding me tighter than ever.
I don't doubt a word he says, I know he would have done anything and everything he could for me. I know he would have forever given me all of him, like he always did when we were together. I was the problem in this relationship, I was never fully committed to him. I wanted to be and I tried to tell myself a million times I was, but I was lying. I always held a piece of me back, that piece was already occupied by someone else.
I hug him for as long as he will allow and eventually he starts to pull out from my embrace. He plants a single, subtle kiss on my cheek and the feeling of his lips remains on my skin, even when we are no longer touching each other.
"I'm sorry" I tell him "I never intended to hurt you, I did love you" I assure him.
If I could change anything, I would change hurting him. I never wanted to hurt him or to make him cry.
He nods, without saying a word and that shows me he understands and he believes me. There isn't any point going over it any further, we have already said enough and the knowledge that the paparazzi are watching us weighs down on me. There is only so many times I can say sorry, it's just words now.
"Bye" I say, opening the car door and climbing out.
"Bye Sienna" he says softly as I shut the car door behind me.
I walk onto the pavement, still wearing just Harry's t-shirt and holding my white dress in my hands.
The camera flashes come thicker and faster, the paparazzi more in view now. I don't rush inside the hotel, probably like I should. Instead, I stand on the pavement and I watch Liam finally drive away from me.
He starts up his car, reverses out of his parking space and he starts to drive away. He nods at me as I lift my hand in a 'goodbye' gesture. I wait until he drives away and he is out of my view.
I sigh ignoring the paparazzi, their questions and their cameras. I walk inside the hotel and into the lobby. I feel sad now, it feels sad knowing I have lost him. It hurts knowing he has gone and now there is a big chance I am going to have to do this all on my own.
Harry's POV
The streets of London seem to get darker, which doesn't stop me from driving around them looking for the answer. I'm not quite sure what my question even is, but I just know I need something to help me make sense of everything.
I know I need to sleep, to try and clear my mind, I can't though. I can't handle the thought of going home to an empty house. The house I have created memories in with different women, but I've never had the ability to make any of them stay.
There is one fixture influencing all of the pain and that's Sienna. I want her, I still want her and that terrifies me.
What if things don't work out again?
I know how she makes me feel inside, she destroys every part of me and I don't think I am strong enough to go through that again. I don't think I would be able to not slip back into my old ways.
Will I rekindle my friendship with the drugs and drink that I have managed to avoid?
The thought of alcohol passing my lips now, almost makes my mouth water in anticipation. A drink would make everything easier, it would all be simpler then.
This is what my mind does when I am alone, I go crazy and I think irrationally. It was my own thoughts, which drove me back to drugs so many times before.
I keep thinking now that I should have kept Paige by my side, until I knew what was going to happen between me and Sienna. I have had Paige beside me for so long, that I'm not sure what to do now she isn't here. I invested everything I could in her, it wasn't enough though. I always could have given her more, but I didn't. I always held some back, I held it back because I didn't want to get hurt again, not like before.
This was my only way of defending myself against everything that had happened in the past. Paige had to pay the price for what Sienna did to me, she paid for that every day being with me. I was just trying to protect myself, I wasn't trying to hurt anyone.
I realise now all I have done is hurt myself and Paige. I held too much back meaning I was never the real me, I was never the person either one of us needed me to be.
I check the time on my car dashboard and my mind drifts back to Sienna, like it always manages to do.
I know I should give her time to talk to Liam and for them to deal with things however they need too, but I am impatient. I want to know where she is and how she is.
I should wait until the morning and then we can talk things through, when we are both of sane mind, I can't wait though.
I want to pick up where we left off. I want to pick up where my heart has been left, in limbo. It has been in limbo since the day I picked Daisy over her.
I want to watch her lips as she tells me she loves me, I want to feel her lips against mine. I was stupid for ever letting her go, I was stupid for leaving her in LA and I was stupid now leaving her with Liam at my mum's. I've made too many mistakes and I am not going to make anymore.
If we aren't meant to be, how do we both keep getting back here?
How do we somehow keep being pulled back to coast by the waves?
My body has a mind of its own and I can't control myself as my hand reaches for my mobile phone. I search for her name in my contacts list and I realise I haven't got her new number. She never gave it to me, I only have her number from when she was in LA. She changed it after I left and she made sure I couldn't contact her again.
I can't blame her for that, I hurt her like I always do. I have no idea how to get in touch with her now, apart from an obvious option. I know I shouldn't do it, I know I am crossing a line and I am being cruel, but nothing else makes sense other than her. It never has made sense without her and me.
I press my phone to call Liam, hoping that she is with him and I can pick her up. I will get her from wherever she is, we will finally talk this through and sort it out once and for all.
"What?" Liam snaps, suddenly answering his phone.
His harsh tone catches me off guard, I didn't expect him to be so angry, especially when he was calm when I left him. It's about time he actually gave a shit about her and about what we have done. He should have confronted me earlier, when he was face to face with me and not now over the phone.
"Are you still with Sienna?" I ask, not rising to his tone.
I'm too tired to argue with him and all I care about right now is Sienna. I just want to talk to her and to sort everything out.
He laughs in disbelief.
"You've got some fucking front!" he snaps.
I know I have, I know I am out of order, but he knows as well as I do that when it comes to Sienna, you don't have any logic or remorse for your actions. I don't rise to his approach to argue with me.
"Is she with your or not?" I ask firmly.
I'm not messing around with this anymore, I just need to know.
"No" he says abruptly.
The tension in my body starts to build and concern fills me. Where the hell is she?
"Did you drop her off somewhere?" I ask, trying to sound calm.
"Yes" he says simply, not telling me what I need to hear.
He is trying to make this hard for me, so I will cause a fight. I'm not arguing with him, I'm not giving him the fight he wants.
"Are you going to tell me where you dropped her off?" I ask through gritted teeth.
I try to count to ten in my head, making myself stay calm with that method. The line goes quiet and then he sighs, him giving up on his anger.
"I dropped her off at her hotel, Claridges" he says sadly.
I don't like what I have done to him, he's a good person. I know him and even though he doesn't want to help me, he wants to help her.
"Thank you" I say meaning it.
I am grateful for him helping me and for always helping her. I destroyed her after what she went through and thankfully he was there to save her from what I did. He was the one who helped her and brought her 'back to life' after it all. I owe him a lot, so does she and I wish I could tell him that. I will never be able to be as honest with him as he always has been with me.
"I'm really sorry for everything I have done" I say.
I don't know how much my apology will actually mean to him, but I hope it helps a little.
"Just listen to me" he says firmly "Don't you dare fuck this up again! We both know that she deserves better than you and so does that baby. She should have better than you, but she loves you. I don't know why, I will never understand why. She always has though and it seems like she always will. Just go and get her, make it right and make it work this time. I swear if you don't I will deal with you myself" he says emotionally.
He is crying, I don't try to comfort him because I know it has taken a lot for him to say that to me. He loves her and all he wants is for her to be happy and that's all I want too.
"I swear to you I will" I assure him.
I have messed up too many times, I have learnt my lesson and I'm not going to make any more mistakes. I am done hurting her and myself. I end my call with Liam and I use my phone to search for directions to the hotel, from where I am now. I find the route and head towards the hotel, knowing my way once I am back on the main roads. I drive as quickly as the speed limit and speed cameras will allow me too. I just want to get to her and for me to tell her exactly how I feel. I want to make everything ok and see how she wants to play this all out.
It doesn't take me that long to get to the hotel, around fifteen minutes. I park my car on double yellow lines, I don't care about parking tickets or fines. There is only one thing I care about and that's her, Sienna.
I rush out of my car, locking it behind me and as soon as I am on the pavement, camera flashes go off. I am surrounded by paparazzi as I make my way to the entrance. They circle me like vultures and I have to fight my way through them. They shout questions at me, all relating to Sienna and the speculation as to why I am here. I don't answer, I wouldn't even know how to answer them.
I know how bad this whole situation looks and how much worse it will look once the truth comes out in full. I don't know how to begin to explain what happened, without me and Sienna looking like evil bastards.
The fans and management will be furious, the nation will hate me for breaking up the 'flawless' golden couple that is Sienna and Liam. I can't even begin to comprehend how badly out of control this is all going to get. I don't want to think about that yet, so I push it to the back of my mind for now.
I get through the paparazzi and I rush inside the hotel, assisted by the porter guarding the door. He ensures nobody else can get in, so the craziness can't continue.
I stare around the lobby and memories come flooding back in, taking over my thoughts. This elegant space holds so many memories, reminding me of good times, which quickly led to bad times.
The good memories of Louis and I rekindling our failing friendship, watching my best friend share his life with the woman he once loved.
Then there are the bad memories, the ones of Sienna and the start of when I promised her the world and gave her nothing. I couldn't give her my heart and shortly after our time here we finally ended forever. That was the beginning of our end, even though I didn't believe it fully at the time.
I still didn't think that was it forever, even when I left her in her house, heartbroken on the floor. I still thought one day we could fix this and I feel like maybe now we can. I just wish it hadn't taken us both this long to get here, it shouldn't have done. We should have fixed us and figured this out along time ago.
I fight the memories away and I make my way over to the reception desk. There is a young man sat behind the desk, he talks flamboyantly on the phone and his eyes watch my every move. They light up brightly as I reach him and he quickly hangs up the phone. He will have heard the commotion outside and he would have been expecting my presence. He will be fitting the pieces together in his head. He will know Sienna is here and now I'm here, he knows that I am here for her and only her.
I can't help wondering if he is one of the people who 'ships' me and Sienna or is he all for Liam and Sienna like most other people.
"Hi" I say when I finally reach him and I rest one of my arms on the desk, leaning against it.
"Hello sir how can I help?" he asks, sounding professional.
I can tell he is excited and practically screaming on the inside seeing me her.
"My gir.....my friend is staying here" I almost say mistakenly, thankfully saving myself from saying girlfriend.
"What's their name?" he asks subtly, even though he knows who I am talking about.
"Erm Sienna Star" I say quietly "I'm not sure if she is booked in under a different name" I say.
She has been known to use fake names in the past, we all have.
"Could you call her and tell her I am here to see her?" I ask quietly.
I know he won't be permitted to contact her suite or to even say if she is staying here or not. I have to take a chance though and hope he will help me out.
"Maybe you can ask her if I can see her" I push a little bit more.
I know I can't just turn up at her suite and surprise her when she isn't expecting me. I want her to want to see me and then we can try and sort this out.
"I'm not allowed to confirm which guests we have staying here or to contact them" he tells me quietly.
I feel disappointed and I nod, not wanting to get him in to trouble. He looks around behind him and behind me, making sure nobody is listening to us.
"But for you, I will" he winks.
I instantly smile "Thank you".
I suppose being famous does have its advantages sometimes. He picks up the phone on the desk and he dials a number, waiting for Sienna to answer.
"Hi Miss Star" he speaks into the phone "It's Gregory on reception, I greeted you earlier" he continues politely "I have a Mr Styles here asking for you and wanting to come up to your suite" he smiles over at me and I smile back.
I hope she wants to see me too and we can finally talk.
"Ok" he says "Sure, I'll do that now" he finishes, hanging up the phone "She wants you to go to her suite now" he advises "She's in suite 305, it's on the third floor" he smiles.
I look at him surprised about her suite, she normally always stays in the penthouse suite. I don't question it though, there are more important things to think about.
"Thank you for your help Greg" I smile, shortening his name and he grins from ear to ear.
"Anytime Harry" he smiles. I smile as I turn away from him.
"Harry" he calls and I stop turning to face him "I'm rooting for you both" he smiles.
I smirk and nod as I head towards the lift. That answers my thoughts, he ships me and Sienna.
I get into the lift once the door opens and I press the button for the third floor. My nerves are intense and I chew down on my bottom lip nervously as I watch the floor number reach three.
The door opens and I swipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. I step out taking a minute to try and compose myself, it's just Sienna. My throat feels tight and my nerves intensifying, feeling like claws gripping into my throat. I realise no matter how long I wait I'm not going to get any calmer, so I set off on my quest to find room 305.
I soon find the room, just a short distance from the lift and I stand staring at the door. I try to pluck up the courage to knock, but my nerves are really intense. It's hard to think I am this nervous over Sienna, but then it's obvious why I am. It's Sienna, the only person who can make me feel a hundred different feelings all at once. She can make me feel loved and secure in one moment and then worthless and unwanted the next.
I decide to get the scary part over with, so I take a deep breath and I knock on the door. It's a mere few seconds, before the door is opening and she is stood at the other side. She looks tired and I small at her, which she doesn't return. I take in her appearance and the fact that she is still wearing my t-shirt, gives me a little bit of hope.
"Hi" I say, my throat getting dryer by the second.
She doesn't speak or return my greeting. She is having mixed emotions about seeing me, like I am about seeing her. I just hope the good feelings outweigh the bad, like they do for me. I hope she realises this time I'm not going to let her down again. I am done being stupid and I'm done fighting this. This is the most natural thing I have felt and all I have done is fight it and us for too long.
We both know we should have resolved this a long time ago, we have always meant to be together. I'm not doing it again, I'm not losing her. This time I'm here for her and I'm not leaving again without her.
Sienna's POV
The butterflies in my stomach flutter, going crazy as I stare at him. I hadn't expected him to turn up now, not at this time. I thought perhaps I would have seen him at some point tomorrow, when he could be bothered to finally deal with me.
I wish I'd had the chance to sleep before he came, maybe then I could think straight. My eyes feel droopy and they feel small, the lack of sleep taking its toll on me. He gives me a simple 'hi' and I can't bring myself to return his pathetic gesture. I allow him entrance to my suite and the worry gets stronger as I close the door behind us, entrapping us together.
He walks into the suite, sitting down on the sofa and I do the same, leaving a distance between us. He stares around the suite, taking in the elegant settings we now find ourselves in.
It feels like days ago that we were laying together in bed at his mother's house, not mere hours ago. I don't know why everything Harry does blows so disastrously out of proportion, but it always has done. We have never had a simple or easy relationship and it's hard to think now that we ever will. I don't even know if we can have a relationship at all.
The silence engulfs us and I fidget with the clasp on my bracelet, trying to look anywhere else other than at him. I don't think I can look into eyes, not with the risk of him hurting me like he did before. The pain of the time he left me in LA is still strong and so is the time he left me for Daisy. I don't want him to hurt me anymore, I'm done being hurt.
I feel his eyes staring down at my hands, watching me fidget with my bracelet. He shifts closer to me and as he does his scent fills my senses. The familiar smell of Harry's cologne, the same one that I use to smell on my own skin. His scent makes me feel tingly inside and all I want is for him to touch me, leaving his scent upon me once again. I have missed him, I have missed being with him and being his. I can't admit that to him, so I stay quiet and I wait hoping he will speak first.
He's the one who needs to make the first move, because he's the one who has let me down, time and time again. He was the one who left me with Liam, when I told him the biggest news I possibly could. All I wanted was some reassurance from him, anything where said he was ok with what I told him, but I didn't get it. It's like history repeating itself again. It's just Harry being typical Harry and I don't think I can deal with that side of him again. I can't handle any more pain or any more heartbreak. I refuse to be his last priority anymore, I deserve more than that.
I have paid my dues from the way I treated him when we first met and I can't keep letting him punish me for that. I have been through enough and now all I want is to be happy. I know I deserved to be punished for what I did to Daisy, but I will pay for that every single day of my life. I'm not punishing myself anymore, I want to live now. I have a reason to live, I have our baby to live for.
"Are you ok?" he asks, sounding nervous.
What does he really think the answer to that is? Does he really think that I am ok?
I know him and I know he will have no idea how much he hurt me, when he left with Paige and left me alone with Liam.
"No" I tell him honestly.
I am done trying to save his feelings, he needs to know the truth and from now on I am going to be honest with him.
He runs his hand through his hair, looking uncomfortable by my answer. I will never know how he can be so oblivious to others hurt feelings and sadness. He's always been like this, he only gets it if it is him feeling the pain.
"It's all going to be ok" he attempts to reassure me.
His words irritate me, he has no clue if things are going to be ok or not.
"Will it?" I find myself snapping at him.
My words are harsher than I had intended them to be. I don't want to be angry at him, but he has brought this on himself.
He never understands my feelings and what he has done to make me feel like this.
That's him though, he is always a few chapters behind everyone else and normally he never catches up, I finish the book long before he does.
"Of course it will" he tells me.
I can't believe him and I don't take any comfort or belief from his words. I learnt the hard way, never to rely on Harry Styles. He lets you down and I feel like he always will.
"What like it was all those times before this?" I ask bitterly.
I know I need to let the past go, it's hard to do when you have been hurt by the same person so many times. It's hard to forget the crippling pain inside he causes me.
He sighs "I know I have messed up, I've messed up more times than I can count, but surely it means something that I'm here now. I want to make it right, I want to make us right again. It hasn't made any sense without you, nothing ever makes sense when we aren't together" he says with more passion than I have heard from him in a long time.
It all feels too little too late. It has taken him to long to say these things to me and I'm done waiting, I am done waiting for him.
"I don't believe you, I can't after all the other times" I tell him.
I don't want to cry over him anymore, I have spent to long clinging to the hope that this would work and I can't do it now.
"How can you not believe me?" he asks outraged "For fuck sake Sienna! It's been two fucking years and I still can't let you go or move on. I still can't be happy without you or happy for you. I have messed up every relationship I have attempted since I met you, because I always come back to you. How can you not want this when we are having a baby? You are having my baby".
How the hell have we kept this going for over two years?
We have been messing up our lives for all of this time and it still hasn't got any better. The worst thing is all the people we havee destroyed along our path. We were never content in ruining one another, we had to involve others too.
What would have happened if One Direction had never come on tour with me?
What if Harry had never come to me at the bar that night at our hotel?
I wouldn't be here now, I wouldn't be carrying his baby. Perhaps I would still be cold and heartless or maybe I'd have met someone who brought life to me, like he did.
I imagine Zayn and Perrie would still be together, they may even have gotten married by now.
Liam and I would never have been together and he could be happy with someone who actually deserved him.
The worst one is Daisy, I know she would still be alive now. She would be living her life, instead of laying in the ground.
Harry could be happy with someone else or maybe enjoying being single. We will never know though and that's a sad thought. We have done the damage and we can't change it now.
We played a dangerous again, hurting others all because we were too busy trying to beat one another. I don't want to play this game anymore, I haven't got it in me to participate. I will let him win and he can claim whatever prize it was we were even playing for.
"Sienna, please believe me. I love you" he takes my hand in his and my skin burns just from his touch "I have always loved you" he tells me.
I can't speak, I am too scared of what I will say if I open my mouth. I am stuck between my head and my heart, both clouded by the Goosebumps forming on my skin by Harry's touch.
My head tells me I can't do this again, it tells me he will never change and I can't go through this again. I have a baby to think about, a baby that needs stability and not the carnage Harry and I always cause. It tells me if he really loved me, we wouldn't be here now and he would have already proven my worth to him.
Then there is my heart, telling me one simple thing. I love him, I have always loved him. I have no idea what do, the emotion and confusion crippling me.
"Please say you love me too, please say you still do" he begs, tears filling his eyes.
I know what the right thing to do is and I just hope I don't live to regret it. This time I go with my heart, my heart was always going to overrule my head.
"I love you too" I whisper.
Then the magic comes, he presses his lips against mine and everything feels right. The fire relights inside of me and my body burns with love. Every touch of his lips against mine, makes me remember why it was never right with Liam.
There's only ever been one person I have truly loved.
Harry Styles is the one I love.