Blurb:
Title: Hunter's Shadow
Chapters reviewed: Prologue -5
Username: EmmaConnolly379
Title: Hunter's Shadow. It’s the quintessential title for your kind of genre. Not a bad thing. I immediately know this is a werewolf book (maybe because I’m familiar with the genre).
Cover: Hmm. It’s too dark. Gloomy even. Though if it revolves around the girl, maybe you could have something more feminine? Not sure. This is my first time reading heterosexual werewolf romance. But what I know is, the cover is too gloomy and your name is too small. I can recommend you several cover makers. You can PM me if you’re interested.
Blurb: I think your blurb is great. As long as it’s clear, I don’t nitpick on blurbs much. But I really think you don’t need the first paragraph. Just start the blurb with the immediate plot. I think it’s best to separate the sentences in the second paragraph into two or three paragraphs too.
The line ‘Then, his father turns up...’ could be ‘One day, his father...’
The first paragraph could easily be included in the intro or something. Maybe an A/N.
You already have the ‘All Rights Reserved’ tag. So you don’t need to warn people not to steal the book etc.
Miscellaneous:
Thank God you don’t have those silly warning chapters etc, so I don’t have to review the miscellaneous XD
Prologue:
Love the quote you have at the beginning. I think it really serves as the intro of the story. Your first line is really good. It has a personality in it. And we directly know the setting of the story, where it takes place.
You start the story in medias res. That’s nice. This kind of start almost always works especially when you have good writing skills. And you have good skills. It seems like you've written for quite some times.
‘The sound of her own heartbeat echoes in her ears.’ ‘Heartbeat echoes' already indicates a sound/feeling. So having to write ‘the sound of' is a bit of a redundancy. It makes the sentence less active, especially in the scene where she’s running away from something. Try to avoid writing senses: ‘She feels/smells/hears (including sounds)/touches/sees'. Some spots, they could work, but most of the time, it slows the narration down.
‘She knew she could move faster if she allowed her wolf to take control but if she stopped to transform after so long, they would surely catch up with her.’ Love this part. It really gives the insight that the transformation to her wolf is not as smooth as some books make it to be.
‘Fighting the urge, she knew her life depended on her ability to keep moving. To force her torn-up feet to move faster and faster across the uneven ground, an overwhelming sense of fear driving her on.’ For the second sentence, I think something doesn’t click there. The first and second clause. It doesn’t flow well in my opinion. Something is wrong somewhere. If I were you, I’ll write something like: An overwhelming fear forced her torn-up feet to move faster and faster across the uneven ground. You should always alert the readers of the action coming in a new paragraph with something immediate. But what is the ‘uneven ground'? You could describe it so we could immediately get the feeling.
‘The sharp snap of a twig nearby caught the attention of her sharp hearing and, as she ran, she turned her head to glance in the sound's direction, afraid they had found her already.’ Because we already know she’s a wolf, I don’t think you should explain she has sharp hearing, at least not here. Maybe you could write something that indicates she could hear things from...I don’t know. A mile away? Something far.
I know it was raining in the prologue, but for a moment, it’s not clear. The descriptions don’t include anything ‘wet’. I almost forgot about the rain. Maybe mention the forest floor is wet or something? There are parts when you say she skids after she falls down. Maybe that's a good spot to add a ‘wet’ sense.
‘The trees around her began to fade away, until even the sound of the rain disappeared and all that remained was the smell of the forest as she sank into a welcome, comforting darkness.’ ‘Began to’ is quite unnecessary. ‘... her faded away' might sound better. Here, ‘sound’ and ‘smell’ work very well. Because this is kind of a passive scene. There are times when senses work, and there are times when they sound redundant. =)
CHAPTER 1:
‘"You're being unnecessarily stubborn, you know." The small grey wolf danced around his legs nipping him playfully on the ankle as she passed.’ One, I think you could separate the dialogue from the description. Two, I think ‘danced’ indicate ‘playfully’ in this scene. Maybe: The small grey wolf nipped him playfully on the ankle as she passed. Or maybe give the ‘she’ a name or position? His sister, his lover, his beta, his whatever. It’s always good writing to introduce your characters first unless the writer deliberately chose not to for several reasoning (mystery/passing by character etc.)
‘But, over the years, he'd also developed a reputation as a skilled mediator as well. Capable of keeping calm under the toughest circumstances and holding his cool even when everyone around him was losing theirs. His sister however, was capable of testing the very limits of his seemingly unbreakable patience at the best of times... and five o clock in the morning was definitely not the best of times.’ Hhmm. Sometimes, fragment works, but I don’t it work here. Maybe use a semicolon/em dash instead of a period before ‘capable’?
‘"She's an ideal candidate you know -" The wolf stuck her head out of the bushes from a few yards down the trail and grinned at him. “high ranking in her own pack. Used to ordering people about, knows everything -" she trotted back onto the narrow trail and stopped beside him. "like you, big brother!"’ So, Wattpad has a bad rep for messing with an em dash. One way to remedy this is to use the traditional style. Use double hyphens (--) to indicate one em dash. It will solve this annoying issue. Second, I don’t think it’s pleasing to use em dashes that way. It feels overwhelming. Too many of something in a paragraph is always not a good thing. Maybe just use ellipsis or commas? You have this in several other paragraphs. Might want to revise it.
“He snapped half-heartedly at her rump and she flew off again, laughing merrily. As he padded along the well-trodden trail, the pine trees around them stretched up towards the sky and swayed in the morning breeze, a dance of joyous celebration after the overnight rains. The large, shaggy grey wolf behind him watched the young wolf's antics and tried to smother up a chuckle.” This is a great description that shows they're in their wolf form without telling us directly.
‘Alpha's preferred to find their mates sooner rather than later because a Luna was vital to complete and strengthen the entire pack. There had been a brief moment, when he was young and idealistic, that he had allowed himself to be caught up in the romantic ideals of true mates. Where he'd followed his wolf and allowed his heart to rule his head. But to no avail. Now, all these years later, it was a duty he supposed he had failed at; choosing instead to concentrate on learning how to follow in his father's footsteps and manage the huge responsibility he'd been handed shortly after his 18th birthday.’ Something is not right with this sentence. Can’t really put my fingers on it. Maybe ‘Alpha is preferred to find their mates sooner rather than later because a Luna is vital to complete and strengthen the entire pack.’ Maybe present tense works here as this is a ‘fact’? I don’t quite get the ‘But to no avail'. I don’t see the connection to the previous sentence.
‘“Forget the idea of destined mates. Let's face it, if you were going to find her she'd have turned up by now. Break the bond and you'll be free to choose your own mate. Once you mark her, a new bond will form, binding you together and you will have done your duty to your pack and your family... both of which is long overdue."’ This dialogue here, it feels a bit forced, starting from ‘binding you...’ We already know that. But then again, ‘both of which is long overdue' makes it okay to have that. Maybe his father is just tired of waiting and reiterating the rules to him? Hhmm. But I really like it that his father suddenly comes up to the house and asks him to break the mate bond. Nice!
‘The sounds grew steadily more pronounced as whatever-it-was meandered towards them. Sky hunched down, her wolf letting out a whine of nervousness, all the carefree gaiety of a few seconds ago gone as she picked up on the men's tense demeanour.’ Not sure what happens here, but I think you’re slipping POV. I thought we're in Blake's POV? After this paragraph, the POV changes. Might want to clarify that.
‘As she began to fall, he instinctively moved towards her shifting even as he reached out for her until, all of a sudden, he was knelt on the fallen leaves. He held her in his arms, cradling her gently just above the forest floor.’ Something is weird in the paragraph. Can you spot it? I can’t. Do you mean ‘shifting as he reaches out for her'? And I think: He reached out for her until his knees were suddenly on the forest floor.
‘As her emerald eyes closed, drawing her back into the darkness she whispered two words...’ This is a tiny POV shift too.
Chapter 2:
Love the intro, especially the description of the hair. Though I'm not sure if you need (well, of course you don’t NEED to) describe eyelashes. One of my least favorite description when it comes to face, but it’s no problem at all. Just me XD
‘The strange scent traveling through the forest toward them surrounded her like a perfume making his wolf whimper in agitation.’ I think having ‘through’, ‘toward', ‘surrounded’ is a bit too much. Do you need the ‘traveling through the forest'? We’re focusing on the girl now. Perhaps: The strange scent surrounded(ing?) her making his wolf whimper in agitation.
Now, there’s something I don’t quite enjoy in the worldbuilding here. You said: ‘grateful as always that his Alpha blood gave him the ability to shift back and forth without losing his clothes'. It would be so much better is the transition is as normal as it can get for werewolves story. Meaning, let the ‘science’ at least claim its work here. Let it be a physical thing. It is too weird to imagine that his clothes morph into thin air when he changed. It feels too convenient as if the idea was developed at the spot and not through character development. However, this is strictly my opinion. It doesn’t have to be necessarily a bad thing, but I think it would be much better if you keep the physical thing....physical.
‘Marcus took one startled look at him and bolted towards the east, herding Sky along with him. Blake veered to the right hoping to lead them away, he knew they'd target the Alpha once they picked up his scent giving Marcus the chance to out-manuver them and lead his sister to safety.’ I think:...to lead them away(.) or (;) works here. The last clause, I think you should stop at ‘..his scent.’ Then continue with ‘That would give Marcus...’ And I thought the British for maneuver is manoeuvre?
"We're nearly with you, hold on!" his Gamma shouted over the link and he turned, heading for an open space nearby, still clutching the girl carefully in his arms. As he reached the natural clearing in the forest a brook running between the trees with wide banks either side the feeling of being watched increased and he knew he had only moments to act before they were upon him.’ Who turned here? The Alpha? The last sentence is odd. Not sure what you’re trying to say? Can you tell me? None of them had bothered to shift yet, all eager for a good fight. I’m lost here. Didn’t he just shift? Or did I misunderstood something?
"Show yourselves!" the big man roared and flexed his muscles. Then, with a hoarse shout, a gang of rough, burly men burst from the edge of the trees and splashed across the brook, their claws extended, several brandishing small daggers.' I’m assuming that ‘the big man' is the Alpha? You were talking about three people before this paragraph, so I believe you should establish the character again.
‘As Alex and the warriors moved forward to meet them, Blake shifted, all flashing eyes and dark fur and he allowed his wolf out to play. The four of them moved so rapidly they seemed to blur as they switched from one rogue to the next, making short work of the still-human intruders.’ The first sentence is quite odd. ‘all flashing eyes and dark fur and he allowed his wolf out to play'. Not sure what this means. And aren’t there 3 of them? Who’s the 4th one?
‘Alex fell in beside him and glanced over at the girl. Blake caught the flash of surprise as he registered the scent drifting off her but he didn't comment on it, choosing instead to look at his Alpha speculatively and ask:’ I think there’s a pronoun issue here. Not quite sure myself.
CHAPTER 3:
Oh, now! This chapter is my favorite chapter! I truly love how you developed the Doc. He’s fantastic and funny. You have some great humor in you XD I truly adore your witty description of the Doc, about his age, his interaction with Blake. I think this is one chapter you don’t need any major revisions (unless those pesky commas XD). What little improvements I think you could make, I’ve inlined them.
CHAPTER 4:
You used an interrobang in this chapter. I’m not AGAINST it, but I advise you to steer clear of it. Coz it’s some kind of a controversial issue. Interrobang is too colloquial to be used in fiction, and tend to look...unpleasant and amateurish (though we are all amateurs here I guess 😂). But this is highly opinionated. Keep it if you want. I cringed a bit inside every time I see someone use it though.
In this chapter, I realized that you tend to mix dialogue and other character's narration in the same paragraph.
When there’s a dialogue that belongs to a character, the narration that follows the dialogue should belong to the same character too, not others. Example, here: "For a head injury like this, yes. Especially with humans, they need more time to heal." Blake ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. The one who’s talking is the Doc. Not Blake. When you wrote it this way, the dialogue belongs to Blake. I’ve pointed them out for you. I wrote ‘separate this' where they apply.
CHAPTER 5:
‘As the afternoon grew old, she felt the weariness drag at her eyes. She closed them a moment waiting for the ache to drain away, then lifted her book and forced herself to read some more. Before she had finished the page, she found herself looking at the sleeping girl again. She hadn't moved, lying as still now as she had when the Alpha had carried her in several hours ago. Her strange scent filled the room but oddly, she found that the longer she was around it, the less it disturbed her wolf becoming an unusual characteristic rather than a veiled threat.’ This might be coz I was sleepy when I read this, but I have to read it 5x to get the description of the sleeping girl. I somehow thought it was some kind of astral projection or something, as in Jenny's projection, she’s looking at herself XD Coz here, she’s sleepy, then you talk about the sleeping girl. Both are girls. I recommend you, regardless if this is just me or not, to change the ‘sleeping girl' to ‘injured girl'. Coz it should be extra clear this way.
‘"It's alright, calm down you're safe now.“ She spoke softly, trying not to spook her further. The girl's frantic eyes met hers and pulled out of reach, almost panting in her panic, but she did stop trying to remove the needle from her arm. Jenni smiled.
"Hi,“ she began.’ Hhmm. 1. You should move the other character's description to its own line. 2. Who said the ‘Hi’? Jenni? The injured girl? If it’s Jenni, you should use her name rather than her pronoun. Coz there are two girls here. Using pronoun (especially this way) is disturbing. If it’s the girl, it’s a bit odd for her to say hi when panicking.
‘Pain squeezed her head tightly and she cried out softly, gingerly reaching up to the source of the pain. A pressure bandage hugged her forehead tightly, she touched it and her vision blurred.’ You have three adverbs '...ly' in this short paragraph. You might want to limit it to one, or none at all. I don’t think you need ‘tightly’ as ‘squeezed’ indicates that, and softly indicates ‘gingerly’, so you don’t need that too. The second tightly is just an unhealthy echo.
‘A certain level of fear was to be expected given the circumstances but he needed to examine her properly now that she was able to respond to questions and her high level of fear was complicating matters.’ Another POV shifts. I’m actually not sure what’s the POV of this story. It seems like you changed POV every now and then. But it doesn’t feel like Omni to me. You might want to revise it.
‘She looked around frantically for some sort of container before it was too late. The room shifted on its axis and began spinning the opposite way, just for fun.’ The ‘just for fun’ is a bit overdone. The humor doesn’t work here.
‘They stared at her in shock Jenni's mouth hanging open, half reaching towards her with the bowl and Doc, who looked like he'd just received the first surprise he'd had in years... and wasn't sure what to make of it. The only sound in the room was the ECG, beeping rapidly as she looked between the two of them for an answer. She tried again:’ Here, I’m actually surprised that the Doc is surprised. He’s not supposed to, I guess. He’s a doctor. And he should know head injuries like her tend to cause amnesia. It feels surreal.
Grammar:
Your writing, grammar-wise, is great. Save for one or two typos, you have clean grammar. Punctuation-wise, there is a lot you need to improve, especially your commas. Your clauses are all over the place. When you reread the story, try to read it out loud. It might help you to hear the tone of the sentences.
Plot:
Plot-wise, I don’t think you have a lot of issues. Though I feel a bit overwhelmed by the rogue attack. It feels too soon and premature. Though I suspect half of it because of the number of characters in it and your usage of pronouns. I don’t know who is who. It takes two to three tries to get who's talking and who's attacking.
Talking about pronouns, you have to be careful when there are two characters (especially the same gender) in a similar scene. If you've used ‘she’ for one, try to establish the other ‘she’ by using her name first, only followed by the pronoun. You have this in several parts. Might want to check them.
Also, the POV. I usually got confused about 3rd POVs, coz I write in 1st POV. But I think something is not right with yours. You might want to keep on separating the POV as you did with the page break, not change it again before you get to another page break. You should keep one scene to one character. I think you’re using Omni, but separated. Not sure what you’re trying to do.
Again, I must stress that one dialogue belongs to one narration/description. Because this is your biggest issue (other than the commas). If you want to write about another character, start a new line. Don't clutter it into the same line/paragraph as the other character. Separate them. One dialogue, one character, one narration, one paragraph. That's the 'rule'.
Characterization:
This is your strength. Especially the Doc. His character shines more than Blake 😂 I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, but character-wise, it’s great.
Description: I love your descriptions. They’re simple, yet beautiful. They’re not purple, but the sound poetic at times. Nice job!
Overall:
So, up to chapter 5, the story is full of mystery. And the mystery somehow revolves around the girl they found. It’s nice. You have something that keeps us asking for more. I’m so intrigued by it and actually want to know more!
By the way, thank you so much for pointing out my tenses slips in my book! They help a lot. Perfect past is always my weakness XD