Title: Born In A Storm
Chapters reviewed: Prologue, 1,2
Username: SouthMarie
TITLE:
It's strong. It has a personality. It mirrors your MCs personality in the book. Good job.
COVER:
It’s nice. Simple and attractive. It fits the YA genre. I like the color choice. The girl in the cover directly tells us that this story is about the African Community. Nice.
BLURB:
Not sure what’s happening here. Maybe the format is a glitch or something? Why they’re in a...different margin lines?
The blurb is decent. But I’m not the best at blurbs, so I’m not talking much about it. Though I can say that it’s clearly written. The issue is just the weird formatting.
PROLOGUE:
So, I’ve reviewed your book before for a book club. I can’t remember much, but what I do remember is, your style... or more accurate, the formatting.
To this day, I’m not sure why you aligned the dream sequence to the center. I remember asking, but I don’t remember you answering. Do you have any reason for that? Because my opinion stands. The format is not aesthetically pleasing.
Because,
1. You have the dream sequence in italics.
2. It is in the center.
It becomes doubly unpleasant. I highly suggest you remove both of the italics and the margin you have now.
Try it first and see. You might like it. Sometimes, it’s hard to get rid of something or even change anything, but usually, the sacrifice's worth it.
Now, I loved the dream. I truly do. It’s such an intense dream. Nightmare actually. I loved how she was drowning, and searching for someone important to her. It shows how the character is not selfish and loving.
Though there is something you have to understand. When writing action, or something like you’re trying to write (the nightmare), you need to make sure you don’t make it TOO dramatic. Or else, it will read like you’re trying very hard to make it real and/or realistic.
Sadly, this is what happened. The descriptions are actually very nice and poetic, but you write too much of it. Too much of trying. Trying to make us empathize/sympathize with the character. It doesn’t work.
One of the best scenes in the prologue is how she paints her nightmare into the blank canvas as some kind of therapy. That’s a very nice idea.
I know you’re someone who likes character ddescription. But please remember that when you write in 1st POV, describing yourself WILL be an awkward thing.
Let’s take this paragraph for example. This paragraph mirrors everything about your writing. So I’ll use this one to tell you what doesn’t work.
My long slender, yet shaky hands went around my body, the long nails I sported dug into my skin offering me the stability that I was really here and not there anymore.
You have the same problem throughout the chapter.
1.You don’t really have to describe yourself like that. You should just say, ‘my shaky hands'. 'Long and slender' makes the description weird. I don’t go around telling people ‘Hey, last night my hairy, fat, and long legs cramped for hours.’
You see, it’s weird. People don’t talk like that. They would just tell you: My legs cramped.
2.You have issues with punctuation, mainly commas. Supposedly, you should have a period after the word body, not a comma.
3.You have weird word choices. Stability doesn’t work IMO. Maybe ‘protection’? I don’t know. It should be something like this: I wrapped my shaking arms around my body. My long nails dug into my skin, offering me the protection I needed. The pain reminded me that I was not drowning anymore. I was safe here. Something like that (I don’t like my own suggestion. It’s midnight here, can’t think of something better) but you get the gist? Your writing needs a tone to it. The same way you talk. I believe you talk with different tones and mood (unless you’re Eugene from the Walking Dead.)
4.Your tenses issue is not as big as your punctuation issue, but it’s worth mentioning because it still needs a lot of improvement. You have to work hard on your tenses, you have to work harder on your punctuation.
CHAPTER 1
Okay. So this is where things become better and worst at the same time.
The better thing is, you have a strong character voice. Right from the first few lines, the character’s personality prevails. I think it’s your talent. The voice is really strong, we know she’s strong-willed and sad and a no-nonsense kind of person.
The worst thing, you’re forcing your story on us. This is not cliché and normal story, not a jock and cheerleader falling in love yada yada yada.
It could be a good start for some people, but it’s actually not a good start. Not to me. I don’t like it when writers force their characterization on me. Force the plot on me. Something like: This is not what you think it is. Please, I don’t write cliché stuff. This book is better than that.
Guess what, most times, it’s not better at all. Most times, readers get disappointed. Like I did.
What I can suggest is to tone down the sassiness. Sassy characters are now becoming a cliche. Not that cliche is bad. But most cliche is badly written. That’s the issue. You try to make something un-cliche but then ended up writing the same thing. Not because your story is cliche per se, but you’re trying so hard to be different. You try so hard to explain. (Oh God, too many cliches in this paragraph.)
However, I like this paragraph: Life’s bigger than that. Much more complex than those four walls or more than trying to determine your fate and future.
Let’s ignore the grammatical error in it for a moment. It’s actually a very nice insight. Yes, life is much more complex than the world in your school building.
Reading your writing, I actually suspect something. From your syntax, I believe you translate your native language directly to English, structure-wise. I have no explanation on how you write the way you write. Coz your English is not bad. You actually have a wide active vocabulary. It is the structure that is your biggest issue.
You write in italics all the time. Again, I’m not sure why. You seem like you’re mixing up the meaning of narration and thoughts in 1st POV.
Some reviewers stand up to the ‘fact’ that 1st POV is actually the character's thoughts, so you don’t have to italicize anything. Some reviewers, like me, believe in italics for thoughts. But reading your story, I’m not sure which is the narration and which is the thought. They got mixed up real bad.
My suggestion, just get rid of the italics. Unless you can give me a good reason why you adopt such style, I’ll keep on telling you (I have told you this many times before) that the style is messy, and it doesn’t work.
I feel bad for not pointing out your grammar mistakes in the chapters. You have to know that you have too many grammatical errors. I’m so sorry to say that.
You really need to work on your grammar. I couldn’t even point them out. You have errors in almost every sentence. What you can do to better this? Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. Then find someone who can proofread your book, find an editor, join book clubs. The thing with most book club is, most of the members disregard to actually point the bad apples. I can’t say much, because I failed to point out anything too. But I truly hope you get the help you need.
Now, you break the fourth wall all the time, it feels like I’m reading a nonfiction book.
Be careful with it, okay? You don’t want to always write metafiction in fiction. The term is different for a reason.
I know you said you like character description, but what you have written is too extreme. You use adjectives for almost every noun. That is excessive. You don’t have to describe the color of brows. Unless they’re a weird color like green, you don't have to even mention it.
You don’t have to redescribe the hair; first curly, then corkscrew coil(?).
Sporting curly large space buns which were literally the size of a shotput ball, heart shaped face, light green eyes, suiting my light bronze skin.
What is that? Is that a description of herself? Her friend?
Do you see how excessive your description is? I can barely understand it.
After this part, you have Nigerian dialogues (not sure what language) and translations. I liked it. Coz I do that too. What I can suggest you do to make it flow better is, add the description right after the language, not in a different line. It gets cumbersome to read the way you write it now.
You’re my best friend Jaz. It is supposed to have a comma right before Jaz. Always add a comma before you mention a name the way you write it.
CHAPTER 2
You break the fourth wall again, in a weird way.
Well, you would be half right.
That’s not an apt way to break it. Nobody (us) is saying anything. We’re reading your book, not talking with the character.
Later, you describe the house they moved into. The description of the house reads like I’m reading adverts from realtors. You’re not selling the house to the readers. You're describing it in a fiction. Don't need to be so specific like that. Scatter your descriptions here and there. If you don't NEED to describe something, don't describe it. Keep it for later. Don't describe everything in a bundle at one time. No matter how much you love descriptive writing, you should keep it low.
What is ‘colonial growth and despondency towards a completely other nation’? Are you trying to make her sound smart? That’s too sudden. She talks like a normal person in chapter 1.
‘Pink staining cream'. Another thing I don’t get.
And after this part, you describe eyes... again. Don’t you think you describe too much?
In this chapter, I realize you’re trying very hard to make her an indifferent character. It should be good because you do write good characterization, but the problem lies in your description, again.
Your writing is what I call a ‘trying-very-hard-to-prove-that-my-character-is-a-badass’ kind of writing. Don't try to prove it to us. You don't need to justify her personality. I do this because of this, I don't do this because it's typical, yada yada yada.
Who’s the guy who grabs her shoulder? Why he suddenly says: Because Marc asked us for a picture.
Who’s Marc? Why he suddenly says that?
And why things suddenly on an uproar when they were having the dinner? What happened? I know Lilly and Sam are not the best sisters, but I think it’s too much. The screaming and calling ‘thing’. It just feels awkward to me.
You use ‘swore colorfully’ several times. Is it something you say in your native language? In English, I think it’s a bit odd unless it’s a joke.
Now, she wouldn’t know the exact height of someone. How can she now the person who collides with her is four inches taller than her?
The description of the piercing is too much. You have too many ‘piercing’ in the same sentence.
What do you mean ‘...I would see her color of eyes soon enough'?
So, one time the person who falls is angry. Suddenly, she introduces herself. That’s very odd. There’s no transition from the angry point to the introduction point. And then she got angry again. Why?
So, there a plot twist here. She’s her childhood friend who doesn’t know her anymore. That’s actually quite nice.
Later after this part, Sam suddenly has some kind of anxiety attack, out of nowhere. Why?
She goes into the chemistry lab and meets new people. Again, you describe eyes here.
And I’m serious when I say this. After this point, I was lost. I didn’t know what happened anymore. I’m so sorry to say that I can’t understand your English, or specifically, your syntax. And it became too confusing and monotonous, that I couldn’t even try to reread it to understand.
MISCELLANEOUS:
You have way too many non-literary chapters. I don’t think you need to tell us that your story is character-driven. Why would you do that?
‘This book will make you cry.....’ etc.
I don’t think that’s a wise thing to say. Like others, you also have unnecessary Warnings. That warning is too self-absorbed, for the lack of better words.
You have an aesthetic chapter AND a character chapter. Why separate them?
So this is the part where I give you my opinion and advice. It depends on you to listen or not.
Let me give you an advice.
You should remember your own story by heart now. So what I suggest you do is, open a new document in Word, write all of it, again. WITHOUT reading what you have written. From the moment you write the story up to this moment, you must’ve read other books. You should’ve more experience as a writer now. Go on and write your story again. You’ll surely see the improvement.
You have strong character development. Your characters have a strong personality. They’re not cardboard characters. That’s the great thing about your writing.
When you tell us all about your not cliché plot, I thought something mind-blowing would happen. But it actually reads like the same cliche books I review sometimes. I'm so sorry for being blunt. But you have to know that. That’s why I said, don’t warn your readers about how different your book is, how none cliche it is. If you don’t tell us any of that, I don’t even mind about it being cliche actually. As I said, cliche doesn’t necessarily mean bad. But when you’re so outspoken about it, and make it seems like it’s completely different than other plots, it’s a given for me to feel disappointed when I don’t see anything new about it.
So my advice is, just get rid of all the induction about the story being different. It’s okay to write cliche.
And you really should do something about your description. Just because you describe every noun, doesn’t mean the writing can be considered as descriptive writing. Descriptive writing is art. It’s so hard to reach the equilibrium between what’s too much and too little. What you have is too much.
Just because you love something, doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Sometimes, you have to sacrifice what you love to have a better life. In this case, to get better better at writing.