Thanks starwarsfan20 for the spam, appreciate it.
I quickly wipe my eyes again and try and make it look like I wasn't crying. I don't think I'm in any place to explain myself right now. I get up off of the floor and wipe my clothes off. Even though the spacecraft is completely spotless. I look around for somewhere to be. Anywhere. I groan in anger, I don't even know what to do with myself. After turning a full three hundred sixty degrees, I walk in the pilot area and sit down in the main seat. I lay my head back and close my eyes and exhale a sigh of relief. A few seconds pass before I realize what just happened.
I drag my hands down my face and let out an annoyed moan. I don't know why I freaked out. It was just an alarm. He needs to get ready first. It's not like he's just going to bust out of the room right after his alarm goes off. I roll my eyes at my very own behavior. I sit up and turn around, looking out of the pit to see if Slip has come out of his room. He will have to report to Armitage so he should probably come out. Despite me being mad at Slip, I convince myself to get him. He has a good thirty minutes before his general comes out, but depending on what Slip has been doing for the past few hours he might need time.
I walk to his room expecting to see him asleep because of how quiet he's been. Instead of knocking I just walk through the door. I find Slip kneeled down on the floor his hands clasped together with his eyes closed. He was whispering something before I came in and I scared him.
"Kylo, did you need something?" He gets up but doesn't walk towards me.
"No, I was just coming in to make sure you weren't asleep. I am trying to help you not mess up your responsibilities as a stormtrooper more than you already have." I tell him to come to me with my hands.
"Thanks." He smiles and walks past me out his door.
"What were you just doing?" I ask.
Without turning he answers, "I was praying."
"Praying?" I ask
He turns around, "Yes, asking the Maker to help me on Gaff and asking for other things."
I just stand there staring at him. How would he even know of a higher power? It's not like there is any education about it being taught to him. I shake my head and walk away from him back to where I was sitting. I turn around again and peek out to see what Slip was doing. He just sits down and rests in his hands. He sighs out and just stares ahead. He taps his feet around and then leans back letting our another long breath.
I shake my head and turn back around. I can't help but smile though, he's practically a child. I stare at the stars morphing in front of me. Stretching and speeding. Poe always said this was his favorite part of going fast. The stretched out stars. He is probably a really good pilot by now. My mother is a good motivator and knowing them, they are probably spending every second they can together. Sometimes I wish I never would have left. I wish I never would have said yes to Luke. This is hard, being here.
I am broke from my thought as soon as I hear Sunset open his door. I sit up straight and continue to face the stars. I hear Slip get up and walk towards him.
"Good morning, 2003." I hear Armitage say.
"Good morning, General." The smile is heard in his voice. Of course he's smiling. He's always happy.
"Is the technology in your room working, did you get your announcements?" Armitages accent seeming delicate
"Yes, they were nice and loud." Slip replies.
I shake my head, 'nice and loud?' What?
"Good morning."
I look up at Sunset walking in where I'm sitting. I just smile at him and he sits down.
"How long have you been awake?" He starts to look at everything probably just checking to make sure everything is working fine.
"Not long, maybe two hours." I'm still kind of short of breath from losing it earlier.
"That's kind of a long time. Are you okay?" He picks up the black notebook I tossed earlier and closes it. He opens a small compartment and sets it down and then closes it inside.
"Yes I'm fine, but I had a nightmare, which is strange."
"How? Everyone gets them?"
"Remember I told you dreams are a bad sign? I haven't dreamt since I was a boy."
"Tell me about it tonight, after we land, I probably won't see you again till the sun is gone and we are back on the ship."
"Okay."
"Why didn't you wake me? You know I care, right?"
"So do I, that's why I let you sleep."
He laughs. "We're ahead of schedule thanks to you."
"You make it sound like it's a bad thing."
"Because the faster we land, the faster we're going to be separated. I won't see you for a long time."
"If I said this, you would tell me to 'deal with it.' Say that 'this is our responsibility and we shouldn't step out of line.'" I keep my tone normal the entire time so that he doesn't think I'm being intentionally mean.
He stares at me for a long time before answering. "No need to be bitter."
"I'm sorry." I bite my lip and look down.
He gets up from his chair and looks out, looking as if he's checking for the coast to be clear. After looking he walks over to me smiling. I sit up, unsure at his always surprising behavior. He lifts his knee up by my leg and then crawls the rest of the way on top of me. He sits down calmly on my lap and puts his hands on both side of my face.
"Sunset." I try to put out the fire growing inside of me from all the happiness. This is just the way we were the first time we kissed. A time I may never forget.
"Yes?" He brings his hands down my face and traces my neck and joins them together on my chest. His touch is like a delicate stream of water, only the water knows exactly where it's going.
He brings our lips to a mutual understanding and I sit up straighter. I wish we had all the time to do this. Instead of just fighting to find any moment to feel each other's touch. He moves his hands upward and tugs at the baby hair that is hidden beneath.
"I love you." He says, still kissing me. "I can't even comprehend how much I love you."
I push him away. "Thank you." I tuck back his hair that has come loose.
"For what?" He takes my hand away from his hair and holds it.
"For loving me, and letting me know. For leaving no doubt in my mind."
"Ben, I hope there will never be a doubt in your mind about me. That's impossible." He puts his finger tips at my forehead and drags them down, stopping at my lips. "Just look at you." He moves both hands to the side of my face and kisses me again.
I push him away again. "Promise me you won't let anything take us apart again."
"I promise." He kisses me again.
I take my hands off of him. This is too perfect to be real. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve this. I feel him grab onto my shirt and pull me into his lips harder. This isn't fair for him. He tries to go further before I turn my face, causing his lips to accidentally crash near my ear. He pulls away and let's go of my clothes.
"What?" He reaches up to touch my face but I move.
"Nothing." I still face away from him and close my eyes.
"Tell me." He gingerly takes my face and makes me look at him.
I look into his eyes, tinted with seriousness and concern. "I'm fine."
Something changes in him, I can feel his anger but also, pain? Why pain?
"Suit yourself." He pushes off of me and leaves.
Every bit of his warmth that covered me leaves. I instantly regret not telling him what's wrong. I say I don't deserve him and then continuously do things that make me unworthy of his love.
——————————-🌌🌅——————————-
A few hours later I'm still sitting here, regretting everything I do. I don't even realize I've been sitting here that long until Slip breaks my thinking.
"Hey, we're going to land soon and the General told me to come get you, also, here." Slip reaches his hand out holding a fruit. It's gray with tiny specks of sea creature pink.
"Thanks." I swallow hard and take the fruit. I hold it in my hands and grasp it tight. I don't even want to face Armitage for a while. I don't want to see his face after hurting him. I could have just made something up. He probably thinks it was his fault I was acting like something was wrong.
"Kylo?"
I look up at Slip. "What?" I ask, failing to hide my annoyance.
"Are you coming?"
"Maker, yes I'm coming." I roll my eyes.
He walks away and I get that stab in my heart I always get. The dagger of instant regret. Why do I treat him this way? Why do I do anything I do? I close my eyes tight and release a quake of a breath. I open and bite my lip to contain any emotion. "You're fine." I tell myself. I get up and walk out to where Armitage and Slip are sitting at a medium sized circular table. I take the free seat and set the fruit on the table. I look up and see that Armitage is ignoring my eye contact, but I can feel Slip staring at me.
"Ok, so when we land," Armitage begins. "You will come with me." He looks at Slip and the young stormtrooper nods. "Kylo will go interrogate the ones that claim to have evidence of where Luke is."
I nod, even though he won't see, considering he doesn't look at me the entire time he speaks.
"2003, you will simply be an idle stormtrooper. When you're not that, you will only have simple tasks and anything thing I tell you to do." Armitage writes something down in the black notebook I investigated.
"After we are done sending a message I will check back in with Kylo. If he feels that the interrogation has gone well enough, we will return back to the ship. What these people will say will determine the entire time we are on this planet." He still doesn't look at me.
"Who are these people?" I ask Armitage.
Without even lifting his head he flips through the notebook and takes a huge breath before answering. "They are an old elderly couple. Their names being Cru and and Rohin. The mother, Cru and father, Rohin."
"Ok." I say.
"You should probably eat." He says back right away.
I look up from my lap to see Armitage still not looking at me, but now commanding me around. I take a bite out of the fruit. It's too sweet, like a candy and I don't like it. I set it back down on the table. This finally gets him to look at me. He drops his writing pen on the table and looks at me through his eyelashes. I stare back at him blankly and then he starts to glare in confusion.
"What?" He asks rather haughty.
"I don't like the taste of that. Do you have anything else?" I reply, bare as placid water.
He gets up and comes back with another idiosyncratic fruit. Shades of blue molding together like a sand sculpture. He holds it out very irritated and I wait a few seconds to take it. After I grab it he sits down and I see him look down and widen his eyes in complete annoyance. I grab the sweet fruit I didn't like and hand it to Slip. He smiles and takes it from me.
"Thanks." He takes a bite. As he chews he looks back and forth between Armitage and I. I feel his uneasy mental thoughts, having to sit between us, probably knowing more than what I think he even knows.
I take a bite of the new fruit and it's actually enjoyable. It tastes balanced. "What is this called?"
"Dune." Armitage shakes his head. Almost like I'm stupid for not knowing the name. I've never even seen this fruit before.
"How fitting." I observe the fruit. "It looks like different layers of sand."
"Indeed." Armitage rests his head on one of his hands and mouths the words he's reading on the papers.
Slip looks at Armitage and then me. There is question in his expression. Probably wondering what is going on. I just take another bite and look at Slip until he stares away, probably out of discomfort. I scoff in my head, I thought he liked looking into eyes.
Armitage closes the notebook and sets his writing pen on top of it. "FN-2003, we are due landing in a few minutes, change into your armor so you will be prepared."
Slip stands up and walks into his room after disposing of the mostly eaten fruit. I watch as he closes his door, one of his crystal blue eyes peering at me through the closing slit. I chew slowly wondering what Slip was just thinking.
"Maker, Ben!"
I look up into Armitages eyes. He looks panicked but also irritated.
"What?" I say just as haughty as he did.
"Your mask." He drops his entire perfect posture, like he failed at something significant.
"What about it?" I set the fruit down.
"That stormtrooper, you just let him see your face?"
"Oh, you mean Slip?" I don't care at this point. He says I don't need the mask, he told me I was fine without it. What has changed?
"Who?"
"That's his name. 2003's name is actually Slip."
"Oh Ben, don't tell me you call him that?"
"So what if I call him that? It's his name."
"What other secrets are you two hiding?" He seems less mad at this point and I almost feel bad. He seems scared and it powers something in me. Something I don't like, but I use it anyway.
"Lots of secrets." I look into his eyes through some lens that doesn't belong to me. Who am I? I regret it immediately as his face changes.
"What?" He presses his lips together and his eyes slightly close. "You're not being funny."
"I'm not trying to be." The room feels darker and clouded. "I've lied to you about some things Armitage."
"Obviously." Moisture falls from one of his eyes and lands on the table.
When he cried the first time in front of me, he wasn't even crying that much. It made me feel sad and helpless because I didn't know how to help him. And now he weeps, and I'm the cause of it. But I don't feel sad at all. A large part of me feels satisfied for making him feel so much. To make him feel vulnerable. He puts his face in his hands and his elbows on the table. I watch as his shoulders shake. He collapses face down, covering his face with his arms. He actually weeps, he sits there in complete distress and I watch him.
But why would he be crying this much? I haven't even told him the full extent of everything I hide from him. This mission, Slip and i's friendship, my still lingering feelings for Poe. And he cries uncontrollably over what? Jealously of Slip? If he will lose his emotions this much over a small part of the hidden truth inside me, how will he react when I keep my promises and finally tell him one day? Just thinking about it causes fear in me and a mental fist squeezes my heart.
The room changes from dark and my ears open up to what's going on. I look back at Armitage from the ceiling and it's like I was seeing him crying in a different way this time. This is my fault, I don't like this, I don't like seeing him cry. He's too perfect. I search my mind for the most logical way to handle this situation. I should probably just go about it honestly and tell him why I act like this.
"I thought you told me my imperfections make me perfect. You took my mask off remember? And now.... what? I don't understand you. You give it to me, tell me I don't need it and then freak out when I'm not wearing it in front of Slip." I want to reach out and grab his hand but I stop myself.
"Ben." He looks up at me, eyes leaf red. "You are perfect to me, but what you don't understand is that I want you help you. I want you to be everything you want to be! You want to be powerful right? You want to be like your grandfather? I am trying to help you. I love your face because I love you. I love you, but that doesn't mean the rest of the galaxy would be so accepting. You are perfect to me. You will always be perfect to me. But you see, nobody knows you like I do, nobody will ever know like me, how perfect you truly are. I want the rest of the galaxy to look at you like I do! They see you're like Vader and they take you seriously, they want you as a leader like I do. They want you to have the best like I do. The mask is to help you, but you don't need it all the time, and Ben, you're perfect, how could you even believe that I wouldn't think you are perfect?"
"I uhh... Armitage, I'm sorry."
"Are you?" He blinks away more tears, and they make a bigger puddle on the black reflective table. His mouth is slightly open and I hate my affect on him, this isn't okay.
I stand up and walk swiftly over to him. "No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I try to wrap my arms around him, but he forcefully pushes my arms away. It actually hurts.
"Oh sod off, Ben."
"No please, I'm so sorry." I reach out again and he pushes me away.
"Get away from me." He gets up and walks into our room.
I fall to my knees and lay on his chair. I hear Slips door open and I look up. He has yet to put on his helmet.
"Kylo? Where is Hux?" He asks.
I stare at him for a while, not bothering to answer. "I wish you could make people forget." I say.
-yoitsme108 🌅🌌