A/N: I'm starting a book soon relating to this one. It's the journal of Poe after Ben left. It will be called 'I'm sorry Ben '. I have had the idea for a while, I just need to draw the cover. -yoitsme108
"Luke, it's getting closer to time, I can feel it." I look at Luke.
He looks away from the ocean we are sitting next to. "Me too, I feel that the time is coming."
"I may feel it, but how will I know when it's here? I'm still confused about a lot of things."
"I'll tell you when the time has come. You're still confused because I haven't told you everything. There is still much that we need to discuss."
"Then let's talk." I rip up some grass. "Tell me the rest of the plan."
"You're not ready for all of it."
"Yes I am." I fall on my back and let my arms stretch out on either side of me. "Just tell me Luke."
He turns to look down at me. "Stop being so impatient. Trust in the force, it will guide and protect."
"I have been trusting in the stupid force," I groan.
"Ben stop."
"No, you don't understand. You don't have to do something like this."
"I have done things similar to this." He still stares into the ocean, refusing to look at me.
I sit up and push Luke's arm. He turns and looks at me confused.
"Why?" He asks.
"Because. Give me a reaction. How come you're always so calm?" I walk over to him on my knees and push him again.
"Ben, you don't have to convince me too, just the other students."
I push him some more and he starts falling to his side. He gets back up without getting mad at me and it drives me crazy.
"Stop acting like everything is okay." I push him again and again before he grabs my hand mid-push.
"Stop it." He looks at me like my mom used to when she is serious.
I drop my hand on the ground and lay back down dramatically.
"Ben, you're starting to concern me." He looks at me like I'm the hardest puzzle he has ever seen. "I want to end this, take you out of this mission, but it's too late and you know it."
"What?" I sit up. I didn't know he felt the same way as me.
"Ben, you... I don't think Jedi is your passion. I didn't see it until now, I didn't see. I chose the wrong person, maybe this is a bad idea all together."
"Luke I'm sorry, I'm sorry I even said yes."
"Don't apologize. You're always apologizing."
"But I am. I never should have said yes."
"Well it's too late now, it's both our faults."
"Luke, I want to make you happy." I crawl towards him and beg with my hands for him to look at me.
"Ben, we obviously can't stop this mission now. You must finish this, I can only hope that you can do this right."
"Luke, I can do this, I just need your guidance."
"Young child." He wipes away a tear falling down my face. "I have made a mistake."
"Luke, I want to make you happy, I want to make my parents proud."
"Shhh. Just be quiet. Trust in the force. You don't need my guidance."
"I will I promise! I'm going to finish this mission." More tears.
"Just promise me one thing."
"What?"
"Go as Ben Solo, stay as Ben Solo, return as Ben Solo."
"I promise. I promise Luke I promise. I promise I can do this. I promise-
"Stop. Don't. Just don't. I've got a bad feeling about this." He shakes his head. Why is he doing this? He just makes me even more scared to go and do this.
"Luke I said I promise, please don't worry!" I plead like a hungry child. Even more tears falling down.
"Ben, just stop, now you know why I told you why you weren't ready for the rest of the plan?"
"I promise."
"Ok, you promise." Luke continues to look out over the water. It's killing me to not know what he is thinking.
"Luke, what are you thinking?" I wipe away remaking tears. My face is sticky and stained from my pathetic emotions and I hate it.
"I'm thinking that this is a bad idea, I'm mad because it's too late to turn back."
"No! I can do this! I wouldn't have taken it if I didn't think I could do it."
"Ben, enough, please?"
"Ok." I decide to be quiet.
"Now if you will be quiet." He looks at me stern, but caring. "I will tell you more of the plan."
I nod and bring my knees to my chest, resting my cheek on my knees still looking at Luke.
"When it comes time to leave, Snoke will expect you to kill us. It's a test you must pass."
"Luke?" I ask suddenly scared. He is about to tell me something big.
"Shh, calm down and let me explain. You won't kill them. You must make it look like it though."
"How am I going to do that?"
"You're going to make them want to hide. I obviously won't ask you to kill them Ben."
"How am I going to make them want to hide?"
"You already make Cheeb fear for his life, enhance that."
This causes me to smile "But I have to make it look like I killed them."
"Yes, set fire to the temple. Snoke will think you threw the bodies in to get rid of them."
"Set fire? Luke!"
"Ben, I have already brought that up. That temple is going to burn for the purpose of this. You knew that from the beginning."
"I know, but that's big."
"This mission is big. We must treat it that way."
"That's true." I shift my head so that my chin is resting on my knees. "Luke, I promise I can do this. I may doubt you, but I'm no good without you. Your help I mean, I need some help, that's all."
"Ben, you're not going to have my help they whole time. You have to let the force guide you at one point."
"I know." I nod.
"Ben," he rests his hand on my shoulder. "I trust you Okay? Don't let me down."
"I won't. I promise."
"I can only hope."
"Hope." I turn over to him. "Hope is good." I hug Luke.
"Ben, please stay as Ben."
"I promise."
"Use..."
I hug Luke tighter. "Use the force to hide my thoughts from Snoke. Trust in the force and it will guide and protect. I am one with the force, the force is one with me."
"I'm so proud of you."
I wake up in my own boring, cold bed. My dream hits me hard and I begin to cry. Why am I crying? I hate crying! Luke would be so mad at me. I am becoming a monster. I'm getting distracted. This isn't even for the rebellion anymore. What am I even doing right now?
I get up and hide any trace that I was ever crying, walking to the wash room. I look in the mirror. How could Sunset ever love someone like me? Maybe he just pities me. I feel more tired then I can even comprehend. After standing up with my eyes closed thinking for a few seconds, I hear my alarm go off. I breathe in a very annoyed breath and look up to the ceiling.
"Why?" I express aloud. "What am I doing here!" I shout, picking up a glass cup that use for brushing teeth. I throw it at the mirror and the cup flies in every way while the mirror cracks completely. I walk toward the mirror and am greeted by at least fifty of myself looking back. Glass covers the counter and shimmers from the light reflecting on the black counter. The glass is beautiful. Just like me, it stares at its own dark reflection. I move so that I can only see my many eyes looking back at me. It's weird how even I have noticed there change. I used to be so happy. I can't remember the last time I was actually happy, really happy I mean. My eyes looked happy too. They just look dead now. Like I am alive on the outside, but dead in the inside. They look very helpless and begging. Is that what Sunset sees when he looks into my eyes? The alarm continues to scream in my ears as I get lost in thought as always.
I remember how happy I was after kissing Poe. After leaving the Jedi River, I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off my face. I started drawing more after that, I was no longer mad at him for carving his name on my sketch book. I miss him, I miss him so much. I can't believe how much I miss him. I wonder how he is doing. He's probably still my moms pet, even after what he did. I wonder if he has become that pilot he always dreamed of being. I wish I knew. I.... I still love him, after all this time. I miss him. I wish I could see his face. He was the last time I was immensely happy. He was also the cause of me not ever being happy again. He, he was able to take my heart and make it reach it's point, but then he decided to rip it without care. I wonder if he even feels guilty. I hope he does.
I take back the whole happy thing. Sunset makes me so happy. I just want him to surpass Poe so bad. I want to love Sunset more. I want his kisses to be better then Poes one kiss. I want something, anything to surpass that one kiss Poe shared with me. I need Sunset to hide my thoughts from Snoke. I need Sunset to surpass Poe. I need... I need Sunset.
I walk away from my shattered mirror and head to my nightstand, where my comlimk lays. I turn off the blaring alarm with an eye roll. Just once, I would like to wake up from my alarm and not my memories. I pick up my com and send the following three words to Sunset.
I need you.
After sending it, I put the comlink in my drawer so I won't have to look at it. He said he wanted me but, he may just feel bad. Seeing that message he might think I'm too needy and back out of the relationship. I don't even want his reaction, only a small part of me does.
I dress in my dark clothing and put my mask on. I make my way to the training room. As I enter, my three familiar stormtroopers are standing in a line as always. Upon closer inspection, I see Slips right eye slightly purple and black. Wow, so much for protecting him Twenty. I'm curious to who even did that to him. I wish he was strong enough to fight for himself.
"So nice of you to show up 2199. Would you care to explain why you didn't show up to our last arrangement?" I step up to Nines and look down on the cocky stormtrooper.
"I thought I told you to call me Nines." He looks at me smugly... Does he ever learn anything? Seriously? He thinks that he is immortal.
"I thought I told you that you are nothing to me. You are a number, you don't deserve a name."
"Nines is a number ain't it?"
"Don't make me punish you."
"Oh I'd like to see you try."
Fire fills my heart and I step away from him, trying to not kill him right here.
"Come on Kyle Robert." He teases. How mature, Kyle Robert? Robert doesn't even sound like Ren. And Kyle? Honestly so uncreative.
"You will regret your actions." The fire in my heart grows and covers it almost completely. It's feels like the entire planet of Mustafar is raging inside me.
"Prove it." He smiles like a cat.
I shoot my hand up suddenly in his direction and let the force flow through me. Look Luke, I'm using the force, it's guiding me. Nines hands reach up to his neck and struggle to unclasp the invisible force choking him.
"What in kriffing hell." He chokes out. "Stop it."
I ignore him and squeeze tighter. How is this for convincing, Luke? Have I convinced you yet! Do you believe I can do this now! Are you proud of me!
"Please." He starts gurgling and I concentrate on just that. The sound of his pain only feeds my fire.
I raise my hand higher and Nines feet rise from the floor and begin to kick around. His face changes to complete fear. He actually fears for his life now. I find it very amusing. His Caucasian complexion slowly starts turning purple every time I squeeze tighter.
"I'm sorry." He starts to slowly close his eyes and his gurgling sound becomes more quiet. Sorry? That's all he has? He's sorry I'm killing him.
I release my hold on him, not bothering to let him hit the ground gently. He drops with a loud thud and he rests his face on the floor coughing.
"Who are you?" I step on his back and he drops to his stomach with a pained gasp.
"I am FN-2199." He gasps out.
"Louder." I kneel down and get close to his face.
"I am FN-2199!" He gasps out a little more dramatically then needed.
It's still not very loud, but I can tell that he struggled saying it, so I let him pass. "That's right." I stand up and push him over on his back with my foot. He closes his eyes at the bright light above and coughs some more. I can tell he is trying not to cough.
"Sorry." He continues to mutter.
"Look at the other two." I point at Slip and Twenty. They already looked as if they wanted to run away in fear, but it gets worse when I point them out.
He looks at Twenty and Slip with a lot of struggle.
"There names are Twenty and Slip. You," I point down to him. "You are a number. Because you mean nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. They have proved there worth. You can be called by your preferred name when you prove yourself to me. Until then, you. Are. Nothing."
"Yes sir." He nods slow with closed eyes.
"Now get up." I say loud.
He listens to me and slowly struggles as he gets up. After standing, he stands next to Slip and looks straight ahead. He stifles another cough, refusing to look my way.
I walk over to Slip and raise my hand to his face, causing him to flinch. I turn my head as my hand stays still in the air.
"Slip." I say it strict, but also reassuring so he won't cry or something similar to that.
"I'm sorry Master Ren." He quickly apologizes.
I don't answer, but I keep reaching for his face. He breathes In sharply the second my gloved fingers come in contact with his bruised eye. Twenty looks more angry then I have ever seen him, and that's really saying something.
"Who did this?" My mask takes away all care I was actually trying to display.
"I fell." He says looking at the floor.
"Don't lie to me Slip. You know I can search for the answer myself." I take my hand away.
"I'm sorry! Just please don't hurt him again." Tears fill Slips eyes. Of course.
I shoot my head in Nines direction and he jumps and starts breathing heavier. I tower over him once again.
"I will kill you 2199. Do you think I'm kidding?" I'm practically growling at him.
"No sir." He shakes his head quickly.
"That's not my title."
"No, Master Ren."
I turn away from him and walk in the opposite direction of the three men. I hear a collective gasp of relief from all three. Good, they should be scared of me. I turn around and they all return to there past at attention state.
"Self train. Try and prove yourselves please." I sit down on a random box and stare at there confused faces. "Get to it." I flip my hand through the air carelessly.
They all separate at the same time and head to the many practicing things that lay around the training room. My eyes travel around and land on the wall I destroyed. I jerk my head away. I hear Slip laughing and I look up at him smiling at Twenty as he is getting a small blaster handed to him.
"What's so funny Slip?" I ask ask rather loudly, because of the distance.
"Nothing Master Ren. I'm sorry." He looks down and rests the blaster at his side.
"If you think anything about training or fighting is funny, you're bound to be the first to die in battle. I bet you would die from falling over, Slip. Get your act together."
"Yes Master Ren." He looks up and smiles at the fuming Twenty in front of him and walks away.
The only one that's actually practicing on any real training is Nines. He is practicing with a 26 riot control baton. It's not on of course. He's pretty good. People always say if you're good and nice, life will be nice back. Nines is a total rude, disaster of horrible smugness, and he still has talent. All that talk of be good and good will come your way is not true. Not even a little.
After sitting on this box watching Nines practice and Twenty and Slip make jokes of themselves for two hours, I feel quite done. I tell them they can leave and a sweaty Nines exits rather quickly. Slip goes up to Twenty and grabs his hand. Twenty panic and looks at me. I just stare at them and Twenty swallows and drags Slip out of the training room. Slip smiles at me before exiting. What's wrong with him? I treat them worse then anyone and Slip is still sure to smile at me. He's crazy.
'I'm sorry Ben' is now up and published. Give it a read and this story will have more details. Thanks for reading. Vote if you liked it. -yoitsme108