Warning: strange happenings ahead.
Varun P.O.V.
14th February, Valentine's Day. Usually, I looked forward to the day, liked the thought of setting aside time to spend with loved ones, make them feel special. This year though, I wished I could skip the day, fast forward past it. The only good thing about it was that we were starting the shoot for Sui Dhaga but I found I couldn't even be properly excited for that - not with the prospect of what the evening meant hanging over my head.
Because, though I'd spend the day on set, filming for one of my most exciting projects ever, the evening would mean another public outing with my girlfriend. Now, it might sound insane that I would dread such a thing but I hate the way everything has to be so public with her nowadays. She used to be fine with it being kept quiet but recently she wanted people to know and I was getting so fed up of it. I'd tried to keep things from the media, tried so hard not to let people know and keep her from the limelight, keep my personal life private, but somehow, it never worked. It was getting to the point where spending time with her was more a chore than anything else, just another thing I had to do, like a meeting I had to attend.
I wanted so badly to be done with it but I couldn't be. I'd tried and failed to end it; no matter what I did, I was always persuaded to give it another shot, just one more chance. But it was never just one more, it was another and another and sometimes it felt like I was trapped in an endless cycle. And on top of that, I had to deal with so many people scoffing at my 'loyal boyfriend' act, and others - or specifically one other - suffering for it.
I wasn't stupid though, I knew when and how it would end. Ever since these publicity stunts of hers started, I had realised what it was about, what our entire relationship was really about. I was being used, I knew that. Once she had achieved what she wanted, Natasha would drop me like a used towel and probably somehow turn the blame around to put it on me. When I'd first put the pieces together and figured it out, I'd been angry and hurt and had come close to raging at her but now I couldn't care less. The thought of my image being spoiled didn't bother me, nor did the thought of being used like a stepping stone - not anymore. I just wanted it to be done with, the sooner the better.
Of course, with Shiddat on the offing and October promotions starting soon, I could only expect an increase in having to make these appearances. People would see it as damage control, me trying to prove that the articles that would come out about Natasha's insecurities regarding my co-stars false, and probably take them to be the opposite - because if I had to prove her insecurities were false, obviously they weren't - but nobody would know that it wasn't me trying to prove anything. She'd always had a problem with Alia, right from the start, and it didn't surprise me that she had problems with Banita too, always giving me looks when her name was brought up.
Yet, despite the prospect of having to deal with a huge increase in Natasha's ridiculous need to prove a point to the world, the thought of starting Shiddat gave me a little boost. It was in part because Sui Dhaga came before it and that would likely lessen the severity of the repercussions of Shiddat but mostly because starting it meant getting back to work with Alia and, though I couldn't explain to her why I was doing what I was, not yet anyway, I would at least have an excuse to talk to her.
And I know this is the part where you all start to think yeah, if she'll even talk to you and she's probably too mad at you to want to interact with you but you're wrong. I'd not been able to tell her my reasons for suddenly changing my tune and becoming someone that seemed to be a 'model boyfriend' or why I'd suddenly cut down our conversations by half - by no means had I cut her out, even with how difficult it was to actually find a time we could talk - but I'd told her that I would explain when I could and that hopefully it would be soon and, bizarrely, she trusted me enough to believe me. It disappointed her - angered her, hurt her - to see me out with Natasha, that much I knew, but she didn't allow it to impede our friendship more than was necessary. All the same, it was getting to be harder and harder to keep up with it by the day, the stress of having to keep our friendship hidden driving me to the brink of insanity.
And hiding wasn't easy. It wasn't a simple matter of being careful not to talk to Alia while Natasha was around; I had to make sure she wouldn't see Alia's name in my messages or call log - because I'd once trusted her too much and given her the passcode to my phone and, the last time I'd tried to change it, I kept forgetting the new one and locked myself out - and make sure that she never saw me in the odd cheerful mood that she associated with me being around Alia, the one where I would laugh to myself for seemingly no reason, thinking up things I could say to Alia the next time we spoke and comebacks that I'd missed the opportunity to use.
I knew - or rather, hoped - that, eventually, the act would be allowed to come to an end but, more than once, I found myself wondering what would be left when it did? Would my friendship with Alia still be in tact? Would we be the same as we had been before or would the hiding have changed us? Would that thing between us that we'd been talking about giving in to still be there? Would she still want to give into it? Hell, would I even be left with my sanity by the end?
I had no answers to my questions. As hard as I might try to find them, they eluded me. And the more I tried to find the answers, the more questions I found. How long would this go on? When would it end? Would it even end? What kind of life would I have if it didn't? Did I want that? What did I want? And it frustrated me to no end that I couldn't answer those questions, not a one. At the very least, I should have some idea as to what I wanted but that seemed to be the hardest one. It had been easy before; I knew what I wanted in my life, had a plan to achieve it. Just three months ago, I had known what I wanted and then my life had been turned on its head and everything had gone straight to hell in a hand-basket. And since then, I'd spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it was I wanted now but the answer wouldn't come to me, it floated at the edges of my brain, always just out of reach.
Until the night before Valentine's Day.
That night changed everything again, only this time, it was for the better. I found the answers to my questions that night, figured out what I wanted and learnt that, if I just let life run its course and hoped for the best, I'd never get it.
Now, I'm not one to believe in prophetic dreams and, if anyone had told me something like I'm about to tell you, I probably would've laughed. I never liked the 'the answer came to me in a dream' type of thing because, to me, it just seemed like some kind of occult weirdness but the world works in funny ways because, well, the answer came to me in a dream.
It was the weirdest dream I've ever had. As soon as I fell asleep, I found myself in a strange place. The ground felt soft and springy beneath my feet - which were bare. And as soon as I noticed that my feet were bare, I felt blades of grass tickling my feet and slipping through the gaps between my toes. A heavy mist hung in the air but it was pleasant, refreshing but not cold. I couldn't see the sky or much of my surroundings, just shadows of what looked vaguely like trees. The sound of running water reached my ears but it was faint, far off.
I guessed I was in some kind of glade, probably with a waterfall nearby, but I didn't know why. 'Okay, if there's anyone here, what the hell am I doing here?' I asked. As soon as the words left my mouth, the mist cleared a little and I spotted a figure coming out of the trees. The shape became clearer as he came closer until finally I could see him properly. I blinked a couple times on seeing him, utterly confused. 'Gandalf?' I questioned, because the person in front of me was certainly Ian McKellen and the cloak, hat and staff were definitely Gandalf's. 'What?'
'Well my boy, it appears you have a conflict inside yourself. You require guidance and your mind wished to send a face you would trust and so picked the advisor to many a great council to be your advisor in this most troubling time.' he told me.
'Uhhh, okay I guess. So, where are we?'
'I am wondering the same. I should think that it's someplace you feel at home in. It is after all, your party.' he stated, looking around curiously.
'Did you... did you just quote Dumbledore at me?' I queried, finding it odd to hear the words of Albus Dumbledore out of the mouth of Gandalf the Grey.
'Hmm, I should think I might have yes. But come on my boy, let us know where we are?' he said, watching me expectantly.
'I... I don't really know. Maybe somewhere I've shot.' Even as I spoke, the mist cleared but our surroundings changed. The ground was no longer springy, it was solid and I found my feet clad in trainers. Looking around, I recognised the place. It felt more than slightly weird to find myself stood on a bridge in Kashmir with Gandalf stood opposite me but I figured I'd have to let it be if I ever wanted to figure out what I was doing there. So I turned back to the wizard in front of me and answered his question. 'We're in Kashmir.'
'Right. And does this place have significance to you? Or somehow relate to your conflict?' he questioned.
'It... it has significance. I shot here for my first film. It was a love song.' I answered, smiling a little at the memories.
'Ahhh, so this conflict, it's a matter of the heart?' he asked me knowingly.
'I guess yeah. But how did you know?' I queried.
'Well, love song, the connection seems quite plain to someone as accustomed to reading situations as I am.' he informed me, giving me a kind smile. 'You say you shot here for your first film?' I nodded, wondering what the significance in that was. 'So then I should think that this problem you have, the questions you keep asking of yourself, they have something to do with one who was with you in that film, a co-star perhaps. One who was at this place with you.' I nodded again, a little stunned at the fact that he had figured out so much from so little. 'Well then, I should think we have much to discuss and not an incredible amount of time to spare. So, let us sit and talk.' He rapped the bottom of his staff on the bridge and two chairs appeared. Watching him cautiously, I took a seat in one of them, not moving until he was seated in the other. 'Now, why don't you tell me what it is that plagues your mind?'
'Well, I have this friend and she's always been more than just a friend but I've always brushed it off, we both have. But a few months back, I got out of a relationship I'd been in for a long time, one that had been restrictive and I began to spend a lot of time with this friend of mine; we grew closer, a lot closer, and started to talk maybe allowing our friendship to develop, see where it should go were it allowed to grow without restrictions. And for a month it appeared that things were heading in a good direction but things changed, seemingly between the setting of the sun on one night and it's rising the next day. I'd made a promise many winters ago, ere I met this friend of mine, and now others hold me to it.' I began to explain, unsure where the old language came from but not paying it any mind. 'The situation was such that should I have refused to keep to my promises, I would have hurt many people, my own parents among the number. Yet by keeping it, I hurt others, myself included. And my friend, one who is dear to my heart. My friendship with her has to be hidden and I fear it's growing weaker. We speak less often and our conversations grow strained. And the girl I'm with, she wants more control than she should have - than any person should have over another. And she does not wish me to be near my friend, to talk with her. I have to hide constantly. And I feel I am being used for I know that the girl I am with has her own purposes and I am simply a means to an end. For a long while, I thought that this act should come to an end soon yet as of late I fear that it won't and that I should be stuck living a life that I do not wish for till the end of my days. I question myself a lot and cannot give myself answers. Even for the simplest of questions, I cannot find an answer. No longer do I know my own mind, nor can I say what I wish for in my life. I feel that the life the fates have written for me may not be the one I want to live yet no man has the power to change the path of his own destiny and thus I am rendered hopeless.'
'It appears you believe that there is no way out of your situation, that you have reached a dead end and your only path leads downwards. Yet I should tell you that all is not lost and there may yet be hope my friend. For sometimes, even in a situation as black as a lightless night, hope can be found like a star blinking in the distance and soon the cloud moves from its place and the moon shines out.' the wizard told me, his cryptic words doing nothing to lift my spirits.
'And how shall the light return when the story the fates have written has a path that leads only down into the depths of the deepest darkness?' I asked.
'I think you should find the answer to your question in the answer to those which I have for you.' I looked at the man curiously, wondering how he was so infuriatingly positive. 'I ask you, that one could, would he change his destiny?'
'That one could know his destiny, he might see fit to change it. And if he had the power to do so, it might be that he would.' I answered after thinking a moment. 'Yet man does not hold his own life in his hands, nor does he know his destiny.'
'To that I ask if man had the chance to know his story, to take a glimpse at what life has in store for him, would he?'
Again, I had to think carefully to find the answer to that question and, when I finally came upon it, I spoke it slowly and carefully. 'At first, one should think that man would indeed take the opportunity. For man wishes to be prepared, to know all that may happen and man does not like surprise. Yet also man would not wish to see, not wish to know how his life unfolds for he would be scared. He would not wish to see what horrors life has in store; for every life has horrors along with wonders and, while man may wish to take a glimpse of the wonders that await, he would not wish to see the things that lay beside it, the terrors that he is yet to live through. So I say no, should he be offered, man would not wish to view what life holds for him.'
'And to that I ask, if I would tell you that I could show you the life you are fated to live, would you not wish to see it? For you talk about man not wishing to see the terrors ahead - and rightly so - and you talk of man wanting to see the wonders. Yet before you spoke as though you had no hope of wonders in your life and only horrors. Would you not then wish to see your life? To prepare for the horrors you are so sure lie in your path? And maybe to learn of any wonders that may reside beside them?' he questioned, sending me into yet deeper thought.
I thought for a long time and Gandalf allowed me the time, sitting quietly. Eventually I spoke again, after long contemplation. 'If given the chance, I should take it.' I admitted softly. 'I may be afraid of the horrors that await yet to know that some wonder may also lay in wait would give me hope I should think.'
'And if I should tell you that I can in fact allow you a look at what awaits?'
'Then I should not believe you. For if a man gives me such an opportunity, he must either be God himself or a fool.' I stated.
'You are right to be weary of such men. Yet I could prove to you that what I would show you would be the truth. What then would you say?' I scoffed but decided to humour him.
'I should ask what proof you might offer and ask to see it first and make my decision based upon that.'
'A wise man you are to do so.' he told me approvingly. 'The proof I may offer is this: I will show you first that which your heart desires and show you next the life you lead and all the paths you think it may take. If you should believe my words then, I would show you the path which your life is currently set to take.'
'And if I believe your words yet find I am not willing to view the path of my life? For I realise now that, while the thought of wonders that await may lighten my heart, the confirmation of my fears may burden it.'
'Ah but you did not let me finish!' he exclaimed. 'For I will show you the path your life is most likely to take. Yet fate is flexible – yes, fate can be changed!' he interrupted his own sentence on seeing the protest I was about to make. 'Your choices determine which path you should take and the two paths may be similar or they may be vastly different. Should you not like the one you see, I offer you the chance to change it.'
'I might have believed you that you could show me my path but to say I could change it, I should not believe.' I laughed bitterly.
'Allow me the chance to show you what I wish to and then see how you feel. It may be that you accept your path and it may be that, even with your belief that fate cannot be altered, you wish to try and alter it. Whatever should be the case, you shall leave from here with the ability to make a choice. I shall not tell you what it is but you shall know it when you come to it and there is a chance that it may change things in the future.' he told me. I didn't see the harm in it so I agreed.
'But I see one problem in this plan.' I said before he could show me anything. 'I know not what be the desires of my heart so how should I know that what you show me be the truth?'
'You know it not now, yet if you see it, you should realise that it indeed is that which your heart desires, as all men do. They recognise their heart's desire when they see it.' The logic made a strange kind of sense so I nodded.
'If that be so, show me these proofs and allow me to see what it is my heart desires.' He looked at me in wonder, as though he thought that would be the last thing that troubled me. 'What may happen in future is second to the matter of my heart's wishes. For I know them not anymore and I do not wish to say that I have become a man who does not know his own self well enough to listen to what his heart says.'
'You are wise beyond your years it seems lad.' he chuckled. 'And the answer to a question such as that you have for yourself should not be left to wait so I shall make haste and show you that which you wish to know.' He looked around a moment and then stared at the other end of the bridge as though waiting for something. I fidgeted as he looked behind me, trying to resist the temptation to turn, almost scared of what I would see.
After minutes that seemed to stretch into an eternity, he spoke again. 'There, look!' he exclaimed, pointing to a spot over my shoulder. 'There approaches the one your heart wishes for.' And so I turned, forgetting my fears and finding myself rising from my seat as I saw a familiar figure clad in jeans and a hoodie. My memories of her in this place were different yet seeing Alia in her casual clothes felt righter than it would have to see her striding towards me in the outfits she had worn in our days of filming here.
'Kya yaar Varun, you couldn't figure out what your heart was trying to say?' she asked me, laughing fondly.
'I didn't have you to translate it.' I told her, earning a smile.
'You didn't need me to. You've figured it out now. So now just figure out how to get it.' She made it sound so simple, so easy, that I couldn't imagine not doing it so I nodded.
And then, without another word, she was gone, fading into nothingness.
I turned to the man waiting behind me, seeing the gentle smile on his wizened face. 'What think you of my first proof?'
'I think you were correct and it was truthful. For I know that this is what my heart desires, knew it the second I saw her. And if I was truthful with myself, I might say that I knew even before that. My heart's desire remains unchanged, it is simply a matter of the complications that keep me from getting it.' I sighed.
'Before you let yourself drift into a land of weariness, allow me to how you my second proof.' He turned from me and gestured for me to follow as he walked down to the far end of the bridge. When we reached the end, I saw there were four paths. 'Each of these paths will show you one of the way you envision your life to go. I would have liked to take you down each but I fear time is of the essence and we are running short. So I must ask you to pick two paths to travel down and we will travel them together. If you find this proof satisfying, I shall show you that which destiny has in store.' I nodded my agreement and he gestured for me to lead the way to my first path. I looked at the four and hesitated a moment before stepping onto the one on the far left. The wizard followed me, saying nothing as we walked.
On either side of the path, there were trees, all spaced evenly. And between the trees, images and videos were displayed as though projected on a theatre screen. I saw none of the good things I had hoped for in my life as I watched the projections, only the things I feared. I saw myself continuing down the same path I'd started on when I fell prey to my own promises, allowing myself to be used continuously. I watched as I distanced myself from Alia until I had to let go completely and then watched myself watch from afar as she moved on. I watched as I said goodbyes to people and to dreams and I watched as I sat in a room on the morning of my wedding, crying silently as I realised how different things could have been.
I couldn't stand to look any further so I turned to the man besides me. 'Take me back. I don't want to see any more of this path.' He nodded and turned, leading the way back to the place where the four paths met, the screens we had passed having gone dark now.
'Which shall be your second choice?' he asked when we reached the crossroads. Without a word, I strode across to the path furthest from the one we had just returned from.
Again, the wizard followed me.
This path was better. I saw the future I had hoped for yet it was different. If I had to guess, I would say it was a subconscious imagination, for I hadn't entertained such an idea in months. I saw a life where I decided that no promise – especially not one made so long ago – was worth the pain of a miserable life without the one I love; a life where I made the right decisions and didn't have to part ways with the ones that matter the most to me. I saw a life where I fulfilled my dreams and, on the day of my wedding, found myself too excited to do much of anything.
I wanted to keep on going down that path but I was stopped by a hand on my elbow. 'I wish I could let you take this path to its end but you have lingered long here and I have more things to show you ere our time comes to its end. That we had the time, I would let you look on until your heart drinks its fill but you there are decisions to be made and not much time left to us. We must return.' With a sigh, I nodded my agreement and we returned to the crossroads once again – only the four paths appeared to merge as soon as we returned, leaving only one straight path. 'Should you choose to step upon it, this path will show you the story the fates have written for you.'
I looked at the ground in front of me, the worn pathway between the trees and made my decision. 'Ere you showed me all that I have seen, I was a sceptic. Now I doubt still that I shall see anything that I wish to yet somehow, I do not doubt that I could change things and find that the fates have given me two paths and I must simply choose the one I would rather take. I shall step upon the path and look into my fate. And should I find that it is not to my liking, I should choose to change it.' The wizard gave me a brilliant grin and clapped me on the shoulder.
'Lead on then my lad!' he exclaimed. And so I did.
I found the path was almost identical to the first I had stepped on yet it was worse somehow. Fear clung to me as I saw the scenes I had watched already, a fear so great that I stopped long before I reached the point where I had chosen to turn back before. 'This shall not be my path.' I declared. 'This life I see is not one I wish to lead and so I shall not. I shall change my path and find the one that will allow me a life of happiness, a life where the ones I love shall remain by my side and the occasions that I have looked forward to shall be joyous instead of becoming dreaded.'
The wizard beamed at me. 'You have chosen well boy. And now that your choice has been made, our time here draws to an end. I shall keep you here but a moment longer, long enough only to offer you one last piece of advice: make haste in your plans, do not allow others to come in the way of them. You should find that there are many who would delay you, many who would try to lead you to another path, do not allow them to do so. Set your plan in motion as soon as you return and allow nothing to tarry you.' I nodded determinedly. 'Well it seems my duty here is done. I bid you now back to your waking life. Goodbye and good luck.' Before I could get out a word of thanks, he was gone and the world around me became a swirling mist, growing faster and darker and then into nothingness.
***
I opened my eyes, dazed for a moment as I looked around me, trying to figure out where I was. It took a few minutes for my brain to catch up, floundering for a moment in the bright light streaming through the curtains. Eventually, it got there and I realised I'd just woken up in my bed at home and, given that my alarm was going off, it was 7:30 a.m. Time to get up, I thought, dragging myself from the bed and stumbling my way to the bathroom.
While I went about my morning routine, the dream I'd had was put from my head but once I was out of the house and on the way to set for the day, it came back. Though I knew it was a dream now, it still weighed heavily on my mind. Everything I had seen had come from my own mind and there was no telling if any of what I'd seen on the supposed paths of my future would actually come to pass but that didn't stop me from fearing it. The things I had seen in that dream hadn't been pleasant and the decision I'd come to at the end of it still held; I wouldn't let myself go down the path my life was currently headed in.
I spent the entire drive to set thinking about it, wondering what to do and if there was any way to get out of going out tonight. As my car reached its destination, I came to the conclusion that I needed to talk things through with someone. My brother was out of the question because there was no way I would drag him into the middle of a mess like this; it would be too awkward to go to Kavish, Ankit or Aman so I ruled them out; I might've spoken to Arjun but he was useless at relationship advice, as was Ranbir; Karan would have been a good option but he had sworn never to interfere between me and Alia again after last time so he was out too.
I knew that I didn't have the time to dwell on it at that moment so I put it to the back of my mind as I got out of my car and headed for the doors of the studio; it would have to wait for the time being, I had a job to do.
***
The morning passed quickly, the familiar rhythm of filming soothing my mind and giving me something to focus on. But then lunch time rolled around and I checked my phone to find half a dozen messages from Natasha reminding me about our 'date.' I groaned, chucking my phone on the table and burying my face in my hands. 'What happened?' Anushka asked as she took the seat next to me.
'Nothing, just remembered I have plans tonight.' I mumbled, picking my head back up.
'How could you forget you have plans on Valentine's Day?' she questioned with a laugh. I shrugged, not in the mood to talk about it. 'Okay, something's wrong. What's up?'
'You ever get that feeling in a relationship where you just... you're just done?' I asked, realising that maybe my co-star wasn't a bad person to ask advice of.
'Of course. Everyone's been through it - unless you get lucky enough to get it right first time but how likely is that?' I shrugged, thinking that it was pretty damn rare. 'You feeling like that?'
I nodded with a sigh. 'I have been for a while but I can't end it.'
'What do you mean you can't end it? Are you physically unable to or something?' she questioned sarcastically.
'Not entirely, no. But I've tried to end it before and somehow it never works out the way I plan.' I explained.
'So try harder.' she stated, like it was that simple. I looked at her like she was from another planet and she rolled her eyes. 'Look, if you really don't want to be in a relationship, you have to end it. If you don't, it can be pretty bad for your health. Besides, I know from personal experience that when you get that feeling, there's usually another one with it.'
'What other feeling?' I asked, not entirely understanding what she was hinting at.
'You've fallen out of love with Natasha, right?' I nodded, almost understanding. 'And that's probably because you've fallen in love with someone else.' It wasn't a question but I nodded again anyway. 'Well then you have to think how hard you're willing to try for that love. Is it something you're willing to give up on? Or is it the type of love you shouldn't give up?'
I thought on it a minute but I couldn't figure it out, didn't know how I was supposed to be able to tell that. But I was aware that the girl next to me spoke from personal experience so I asked her. 'How did you know?'
'Know what?'
'That you'd found that type of love?'
'You know, when someone like that comes into your life, it's impossible not to know. Things seem better with them, even if you're arguing or fighting or pissing each other off, it still seems better. It's not always a matter of you're happier with them because they're the ones that have the ability to piss you off beyond belief but you can't stay mad at them for long. And they make you feel so good about yourself. And no matter what, you want to care for them, forever. So if that's how she makes you feel, you know it's that type of love.' she explained.
'Thanks Anushka. I think you just helped me make the hardest decision of my life.' I told her, making her laugh.
'No problem.' she dismissed. 'Just let me know how it goes with Alia tonight.' I nodded before realising what she had said.
'Wait, Alia? Who said anything about Alia?' I questioned, aware that I'd been very careful to avoid giving a name.
'Nobody. But everyone knows there's something going on between you two and that reaction of yours just confirmed it.' she laughed. My face heated but I didn't bother to deny it, just nodded and decided to turn my attention to something else before I embarrassed myself some more.
***
Our time on set ran over that evening, well past the five 'o' clock finish we had aimed for. It wasn't that our shoot had taken more time than we had expected, more that we'd hung around to chat and we'd quickly gone from a short conversation to a long one. It was almost seven by the time we left and I realised that I wouldn't be making it for the date I was supposed to be going on tonight - not that I'd entirely been planning on it anyway if I was being completely honest but now I had a good enough excuse.
Of course, even with the excuse, Natasha was beyond pissed when I told her I wasn't going to be making it tonight. Her unjust ire was enough to piss me off to the point where I changed my plans completely. On leaving from the studio, I had planned to go home and then to Alia's and have the conversation we needed to but now I threw a spanner in the works of my own plan. Instead of asking my driver to take me home, I told him to head to Natasha's place. He looked at me in confusion on hearing the annoyance in my voice but did as I asked and took it there.
When we arrived, I asked him to wait for me, telling him I wouldn't be long and heading up to her door. She looked completely shocked to see me there but knew better than to ask me what I was doing there when she saw the look on my face. Without a word, she allowed me in, looking at me nervously as she waited for me to speak. 'I'm going to make this short.' I stated, not bothering to move past the entryway to the apartment. 'This thing that we're doing, it's over. I'm done with the over-publicised outings, I'm done with showing the world that I'm some kind of "loyal boyfriend" when I'm stuck in a relationship I don't even want and I'm done being your puppet. I am sick and tired of you using me as a means to an ends and I don't give a shit what you say, I am not giving this another chance. There have been enough chances and every time I regret it more and more and now I. Am. Done.'
'Come on Varun - '
'No. Enough is enough. You've used me, put me in positions where I've had to make the most horrible choices, dragged my name through the dirt and made even my fans who've been with me from the very beginning doubt me! I'm not doing it anymore. We're done.' I told her, leaving no room for argument. For once, she seemed to accept my decision and said nothing as I moved to leave.
And then, when I was on the other side of the door, hand on the handle to pull it closed behind me, she spoke. 'You know she's moved on, right?' she called after me, her voice clearly smug as she continued. 'You're doing this for her and she won't care. Because even your precious Alia realised that there's no point in waiting around for you. She knew, I think she's always known, that you won't have the guts Varun and that, by the time you do, it'll be too late. But still she waited all these years and now she's done waiting. All of this is for nothing.'
'You know nothing of her, especially if you believe anything you see on some stupid gossip website. And if you think she'd give up so easily after so many years, you're sorely mistaken.' I told her with a laugh. 'And besides, even if that were true, I still wouldn't stay. I'm not just doing this for her, I'm doing this for me. I won't be used anymore; it's time this puppet cut his strings and started dancing to his own tunes.' I could feel her shocked stare on my back as I left, not looking back as I pulled the door closed.
***
From Natasha's place, I had Manoj take me straight to Alia's, deciding to skip out on going back to my own flat first because, quite frankly, I was done with wasting time. I had no idea if she would be home and I knew there was a possibility that she wasn't even in the country thanks to her schedule for Brahmastra but I still had to try so I went, again asking Manoj to wait for me as I got down from the car, not knowing if I'd be long or not. Feeling the nerves build in my stomach, I climbed the stairs to the Bhatt sisters' flat, taking a deep breath to prepare myself once I was in front of the door and then knocking.
I waited two minutes with no response so I knocked again, waiting as patiently as I could with my stomach tying itself in knots as the seconds ticked by. Another two minutes passed and I knocked a third time, my hope having dwindled to nothing at this point but figuring one more try wouldn't hurt. I waited two minutes and then one more on the off chance the door would open but it stayed shut. Dejectedly, I turned away and headed for the stairs. As I crossed the hall towards them, I heard the sound of the door behind me opening and I stopped for a second before shaking my head and continuing, dismissing it as a sound echoing from another level, only to stop at the sound of my name being called.
I turned to see Alia stood in her doorway, looking at me as though debating whether to ask what I was doing there, invite me in or tell me she wasn't in the mood to deal with my drama. Knowing Alia well enough to be wary of allowing her to debate with herself for too long, I decided I'd tell her why I was there and then let her decide what she wanted to do from there. Hesitantly, I stepped forward, coming to stand in front of her so I wouldn't have to raise my voice to talk to her. 'I don't know if you really care too much right now but if you'd like to know what I'm doing here, I uh, I'm here because we need to talk. Or maybe we don't but I do. I'm here to give you an explanation of my behaviour if you'd like it and the answers to a lot of the questions you've asked of me recently if you still want them. If you turned me away, I'd understand but if you'll hear me out, I'd appreciate it.' I told her, waiting quietly as I watched her think it through.
'The answers to my questions I might still want but why do you think you owe me an explanation of your behaviour?' she asked. 'I'm not your wife or your girlfriend and, at the minute, I'm not sure I'm even your friend. You don't owe me anything Varun, be it explanation or answers so why do you offer them?'
'Because you deserve them. And because I need to. There's a lot of other things I need to say to you but I can't until I've given you the explanations you deserve.' I answered. 'Like I said, I'll understand if you tell me you won't hear me out but I thought I'd at least offer.' She looked at me like she was trying to figure out if I was being genuine or had some kind of ulterior motive. I didn't try to keep myself still under her scrutiny, knowing that she'd expect me to be still if I were lying, not if I were telling the truth. Most people do the opposite but I could hide a lie easier than I could hide the truth because I'd mastered the art of staying still while people tried to figure out if I was lying – but it only worked when I actually was lying and focused on hiding that.
'Okay fine, you're being genuine.' she decided after a long three and a half minutes. 'I guess you better come inside; I'm not standing out here for an hour while you explain.' I nodded and followed her as she led the way into her house, shutting the door behind us before she continued through to the sitting room. From the book open on the coffee table, the cup of chai next to it and the lit candle on the side table, it was easy to tell that she'd been sat in the sitting room a while and had been planning to spend the evening in the same way: curled up on the sofa with a book and her cats for company. It seemed I had destroyed those plans yet she didn't appear to mind too much, marking the page in her book with the photo that she had kept in the back cover and setting it aside. 'Chai?' she offered, looking a little perturbed as I shook my head to refuse the offer.
'I don't think my stomach would take too well to anything while it's writhing like a bag of snakes has been let loose inside it.' I tried to explain, earning a half laugh and shake of the head.
'Would it take badly to sitting down as well?' she joked, gesturing to the seat on the sofa beside her. I sat myself down slowly, perched on the edge of the cushion as I faced her. 'You came here to explain so explain.' she instructed, looking at me expectantly.
'I uh, I guess I should start with what happened in December,' I began, earning a nod of approval from Alia. 'I thought it was over with Natasha for good then, she'd said as much and I had no intention of letting her back in when she came around asking for another chance like I knew she would. And when she did, I turned her away and told her I'd given her enough chances and she'd wasted them all and I wasn't going to let her have another. She seemed to accept in and she left acting as though that was that but then, next thing I know, my parents are on about her and how I should give it another go and about some stupid promise I made when I was younger – young and stupid and sure that I knew what love was. But I learnt the hard way that I'd been wrong then and that I knew nothing of love when I made that promise. It was before I met you and before I knew what it was like to have that person who could push every single one of my buttons yet make me smile the very next minute, the person I'd never want to let go of – not by my own will at least. But it wasn't by my own will, none of this was. Every time I think I'm free, I get pulled back and I find that I'd only cut one string and the others were caught and that one string was tied back. And this time I finally caught on and realised what was happening; I figured out that this is her game and I'm just a stepping stone in her path and that pissed me off beyond belief at first but then I figured that at some point she'd not need me anymore and I'd be let go. So I decided to just wait and let it happen but it got to be too much and I got sick of her always pushing to make sure that we're seen and make sure it looks real and all the bullshit. And besides me being sick of it, I just thought it stupid. I mean, she doesn't realise how these things work in our industry; the more you try to push something, the less people will believe it. Sure, the media ate it up but fans... there's no fooling them. They know my real smiles and my fake ones very well and they see right through me.' I paused for a breath before continuing, not taking my eyes from Alia even then. 'I couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand being fake and trying to fool people who won't be fooled and hurting myself and being used and, more than anything, I couldn't stand this, cutting ties with you, hurting you, I hated it. And a few weeks back I started to question everything: what would happen with me and you when that mockery of a relationship finally ended? Would you even want to talk to me? Would there be any hope to even make it out with our friendship intact? And I had no answers so I asked myself more questions. How long would it go on for? When would it end? Would it ever end? What would my life be like if it didn't? Is that what I wanted? What the hell did I even want? And it frustrated me beyond belief 'cause I had no answers for those either. Until last night when I had one hell of a strange dream where I met Gandalf on a bridge in Kashmir and he quoted Dumbledore at me and we spoke in like 1930s style English.' She laughed at that, loud and infectious and I smiled as I watched her. 'But, as weird as that dream was it led me to a damn important conclusion.'
'And what might that be?' she questioned, arching an eyebrow.
'That should man look on his future and not like what he sees, he might wish to change it. And should he wish to change it, all he has to do is make the right choices.' I told her, watching the confusion write itself on her face. 'What I mean to say is I saw what my future looked like last night and I hated it. So I decided that I wouldn't let that be the life I live; I'd make the right choice and I'd change it.'
'And that brings us here how?'
'Well, this is me trying to make the right choice. Because I realised last night that my heart still wants what it's always wanted – or has since the day I realised I'm in love with the stubborn girl who loves to cause me trouble – and I was just making up obstacles to put in the way.' I explained, holding her gaze for five seconds after I finished speaking before my eyes turned to the ground.
It was silent in the room for a long time, silent and still as though time had frozen. And then she spoke, so soft I might not have heard it if I hadn't been sat beside her. 'This right choice, is it right for everyone?' she asked, drawing my eyes from the ground to her.
'For me, it is. For you, it could be depending on how you feel. If you're talking about anyone else, well, for Natasha, no; for my parents, maybe not. But this should be something between the two of us, not everyone else.' I answered, trying not to act like I was being too defensive.
'It's not that easy though is it VD? Me and you, whatever happens between us, other people will always be involved.' she countered, the gentle tone of her voice and the little half smile letting me know she wasn't saying it because she wanted an excuse, she was simply being the voice of reason.
'I know that. But can't I just make one decision that's about me? One where I don't have to factor in every other person in my life?' I questioned tiredly. 'This is about me and you, not about Natasha or my parents or our friends or how your father's sister's husband's sister's son might react.' I whined, earning another laugh; only this time, it wasn't a short laugh that faded quickly so that we could return to the conversation at hand. It started as a soft chuckle and then grew louder and longer till she was laughing in earnest, seemingly unable to control herself. Seeing her laugh like that made me chuckle too and soon enough we were both laughing way harder than the situation really warranted but it was impossible to stop.
We took a long time to calm down and, when we finally did, we were both crying from laughing so hard. Alia let out a couple more chuckles as she wiped the moisture from her eyes and then let out a long, calming breath before looking at me. 'I needed that.' she said, still smiling even though the laughter had subsided. 'And I get what you mean. The decisions we make about our lives should be about us and nobody else. In theory, that's simple but in practice, it's not so easy.' I sighed, looking down, unable to meet her eyes anymore. Recognising my dejected state, she put her hand over mine and I found myself going statue still at the action that shouldn't have been a big deal but somehow was. 'Are you okay?' she queried, sounding almost cautious, like she needed to be careful with what she said.
'I'm fine.' I mumbled unconvincingly.
'You sure?'
'Yeah, just wasn't expecting it.' I said with a nod towards where her hand rested atop mine. She went silent again and I knew how to read her silences well enough that I knew it was because she was debating whether she should push the matter further or not. When I looked at her, I could see the silent war going on behind her eyes, see her leaning more towards pushing it than dropping it. 'Alia, seriously, I'm fine. I'd just forgotten that we can be electric; I'd stopped noticing it before and then I – well, it's been so long since we've actually been close to each other like this that it didn't even cross my mind.' The explanation seemed to appease her and she relaxed, making me realise she'd been tense. 'Were you... were you worried about me? Because of that?' I asked in disbelief.
'It's just not normal for you to freeze like that. Not because someone shows you affection. I thought... I dunno what I thought really but it just kinda worried me.' she explained, almost sheepishly yet strangely defiant like she was daring me to make fun of her for it.
'I'm fine Alu, really.' I assured, turning the hand that was resting beneath hers and fitting our fingers together, the action bringing a smile to her face.
She looked down at our now intertwined hands and then back to me. 'Could we really do this? I mean, are you for real right now?' she questioned timidly. And I realised she was scared, afraid of the answer, of the possibility that I'd say no.
'It's Valentine's day Alia, not April Fool's.' I quipped, getting a begrudging chuckle and an eye roll. 'Yes, I am for real. If you want it like I do, we could do this.'
'I do want it.' she admitted, still speaking in that same quiet tone. 'It's kinda scary how much I want it if I'm honest. Actually, I'm scared about a lot of things right now. And even as much as I want this, those fears make it really hard to say yes, let's do this.'
'I get being scared about wanting it so bad, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same. But what else is there to be scared about?' I asked, not understanding how she could be scared of something that was so undeniably right.
'A lot of things. A lot could go wrong between us Varun. We argue so much and take things so seriously, sometimes we just stop talking for no reason and sometimes we fight so hard we end up giving each other the silent treatment for ages.' she gave me a pointed look at that, referring to the times I'd blanked her on set, and I laughed.
'It was like three hours!' I exclaimed.
'Well it seemed like three days!' she shot back without hesitating. 'And that's beside the point. The point I was trying to make was that there's times where we get along great and there's times when we don't at all. And it would be so easy for everything to fall apart and it wouldn't just be some relationship ending; me and you, it's not so simple as that.'
'You know, I was kinda worried about the same thing earlier but I got some pretty good advice.'
'Care to share the advice?' she queried.
'Sometimes someone comes into your life and sometimes they make you happy but sometimes they piss you off beyond belief, in ways that nobody else can. But you can't stay mad at them for long and you always want to care for them, no matter what. They can make you mad, yeah, but things always feel better when you're with them. And they make you feel so good about yourself. When you find the person who makes you feel that way, that's the type of love you shouldn't let go of.' I told her, repeating the advice I'd been given that afternoon.
'Who told you that?' she asked, giving me a look to tell me not to even try to claim that had come out of my own head.
'Anushka. I got really peed off this afternoon with Natasha's incessant messages and she managed to get me to admit that I was fed up with it. So she gave me some advice.' I admitted easily.
'Smart.' she commented.
'Smart enough for you to take it?' I asked hopefully. She gave me a look that clearly said she was trying not to smile and I knew I'd won. The smile broke across her face reluctantly as I grinned at her.
'Don't go getting too far ahead of yourself Dhawan. We'll give this a chance but only if you'll agree to go slow.'
'How slow is slow?' I questioned, earning myself a glare. 'I didn't mean it how you're thinking! I meant like slow as in take it one day at a time kinda slow or slow as in be mindful of my affections kind of slow?' I defended.
'Take it one day at a time kind. You couldn't be mindful of your affections if you tried.' she laughed. I conceded the point with a nod of my head, proving it by untangling my hand from hers and wrapping my arm around her shoulders as I settled back on the sofa, finally relaxing. She snuggled into my side, tucking her feet under herself as she rested her head on my shoulder. 'By the way, happy Valentine's day VD.'
'Happy Valentine's day Alu.' I returned, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
We stayed like that for most of the night, moving only to switch on the TV and get food, talking quietly and catching up on all the time we'd lost. No more losing time, I promised her that night, and that was a promise I managed to keep.
A/N: So it's Valentine's day and this book turns two today! It's a little surreal for me and I can't believe how far this book has come since the beginning (when it was only meant to be the one OS). Thank you to all you guys for supporting this book and letting me get so far 😄😘
And by the way, if you guys haven't seen it yet, I've started a Student of the Year story that's quite different than anything else I've done. So if you like SOTY stories, check it out.
That's all for today peoples. I shall see you soon I hope.