Hey guys! Thank you for working with me and waiting. I know this is short but I hope you enjoy it! And I love you all so much!
I brushed my hair today. For the first time in 4 weeks. It was matted and twisted together. It snapped and tore with every stroke. I cried while I washed and conditioned it, because I forgot how it felt to run my fingers through it. I brushed my teeth, too, for the first time in a week. My gums bled. My water ran red. I cried over that, as well. When I got out of the shower, I couldn't stop sniffing my hair and arms. I've avoided hugging people for a while, because I never smell good. I always smell like I've been on bedrest for a week. I have no clean clothes, because I'm too tired and sad to wash them.
Depression isn't beautiful. Depression is bad hygiene, dirty dishes, and a sore body from sleeping too much. Depression is having 3 friends that are only still around because they have the patience and love. Depression is crying until there's no more tears, just dry heaving and sobbing until you're gasping for your next breath. Depression is staring at the ceiling until your eyes burn because you forget to blink. Depression is making your family cry because they think you don't love them anymore when you're distant and distracted. Depression is somatic as well as emotional, an emptiness you can physically feel.
And yet, with David next to me, I feel a little more human. Not as empty or as alone. His arms makes me feel safe and his voice makes my heart race. Without him, I just lay my bed and feel numb. Only reason I brushed my hair today is because David is coming to visit me. I slowly sigh as my mind starts to rush with the worst case scenarios.
I hear a soft knock on the door as I walk over to the door as I slowly open it. There stood a tall Irish man with a goofy smile. He didn't say anything as he step towards my and hugged me. My eyes softly closed as I hugged him back, enjoying the smell of his clothing. He smiles and softly touches my hair. "I always love you and your hair. It's so long and beautiful, just like you" he smiled and softly kisses my forehead. I couldn't help but let a small smile form. He just smiled down at me.