A small chuckle escaped my lips as Gandalf set a hand on the hobbit's shoulder, pleased to see him. "What in the name of Middle Earth are you doing here?"
As Bilbo proceeded to give an explanation, and conversation ensued between the two, Bard turned his gaze towards me. "If the wizard is correct about there being a battle... you and your friend should rest before then." He lifted an eyebrow when I did not respond. "Kyja, you are visibly exhausted. Getting even a few hours should do some good. I can take you to some empty rooms nearby."
I released a sigh and looked at him. As much as I wanted to argue with the man, he was right. "If you insist. I never knew that my well-being was a concern of yours."
Bard shook his head. "Not as much as the concern I have for the safety of my children. But I know of a dwarf or two that deeply care for you, and I am doing my best to respect that."
Well then. Bidding my temporary farewells to Gandalf and Bilbo, I motioned for Dramona to follow me as Bard led us to these rooms we'd stay in for the evening. I wasn't about to admit it, but finally getting some rest sounded unbelievably tantalizing. "You can stay here. Kyja will be down the hall from you on the left. There should be a bedroll inside along with some water and a washrag." The man said as he opened the door for her.
Dramona shifted her war-hammer and looked at me. "See ya bright 'n early, then?"
I nodded. "Yes." I didn't have the energy to say much more.
As she went into the room and shut the door behind her, Bard walked a little further down the hall before coming to a stop. He turned around and looked at me with a bit of hesitance in his expression. "Kyja... I never got the chance to thank you for helping to save my children."
My expression softened. "You don't have to thank me. None of us were about to leave them behind. And... I left halfway through to drown the Master of Laketown. Perhaps I'm not the right person to be thanking."
Bard reached up and rubbed the back of his neck before chuckling. "Perhaps not. But I chose to regardless." He then nodded his head respectfully, proceeding to walk past me- only stopping to say "Goodnight" before disappearing around the corner.
I looked down at the parcel containing the bodysuit in my hands before sighing and walking through the door. Inside were two bedrolls- one of them laid out, the other folded up and set beside the first. Across from them, set on a vanity table, was a bucket of water and a washrag. What took me off guard the most was the mirror fastened on the wall just above the vanity. I hadn't seen my reflection for the Valar knows how long... sure, I vaguely knew what I looked like, but to examine my physical appearance in detail?
Silently, I set the parcel down on the vanity's surface before peeling off my partial armor and clothes. Some blood had escaped from wounds I didn't know I had, causing the clothes to stick to my skin in a few areas. Before long I stood completely bare, vulnerable, in front of the mirror while taking in my reflection. The only things covering my body were scars. Physical remains of the hell that had once been, and the empty spaces acting as a welcome canvas for the future nightmarish artworks of my tormentors.
Nevertheless... a certain thought soon came to mind.
Does Fili truly find me beautiful?
Part of me thought he'd have to be insane to. What, with everything that had happened to me. I was not a virgin. I had a child, that soon passed away due to my negligence. I was not elegant, eloquent, or naturally kind-hearted like most women. I despised wearing dresses, flowers made me sick, and jewelry never felt right. So what exactly did he see in me?
I soon snapped out of it and muttered a curse. "Now's not the time to think of something as pathetic as that." I said aloud, to myself. A scowl pulled at the corner of my lips as I unfolded the bodysuit and began to slip it on. The fabric felt smooth against my skin, and once I'd finished, I noticed how form-fitting it was. I scoffed. "Get over yourself, Kyja. There's bigger problems to focus on besides whether or not you think a man finds you beautiful." I soon leaned my head forward, submerged the washrag into the bucket, and pressed it against my face. That is when I heard a voice, as clear as tinkling bells, speak to me.
"I think you boo'ful, Mama."
I nearly jumped out of my skin. I threw the rag aside and spun around quickly, seeing if my eyes truly were deceiving me again. There, standing on the flat bedroll, donned in a small white nightgown, was my daughter. My Mira. Her gray eyes seemed even brighter in the limited moonlight spilling through the room, and she sleepily brushed her hair out of her face. Tears were already making their way down my face as I forced a smile and knelt down. "Th-Thank you, sweetheart... I think you're beautiful too. So, so beautiful." My defenses were down in front of her.
Mira rubbed her eyes before drowsily walking in my direction, climbing onto my lap, and wrapping her arms around my neck. "I'm sleepy, Mama... we go to bed now?" I gasped slightly at her embrace- simply because I had missed it for so long- but not hesitating to return it. I protectively wrapped my arms around her little body before pressing several kisses to her head. I knew this was a hallucatination, a dream- something fake. But I didn't want to accept it. My little girl was back with me again. I was holding her again. I didn't want to live in the reality that didn't have my Mira.
"Of course, sweetheart. We'll go to bed."
I made sure to keep my little one comfortable as I made my way over to the bedroll, gently setting her down before lying on my side and then drawing Mira close. She snuggled into my chest before lifting her head some and meeting my gaze. "Mama... it's time that you let me go now."
The words hit me like a dagger to the heart. If this was some... ethereal fabrication, who was talking to me? The Valar? That didn't take away from how much they hurt. How could they expect me to do something like that? She was my daughter! She was my child! Shaking my head, I gave Mira a warm smile as more tears streamed down either side of my face. "But, darling... Mama doesn't want to let you go." I set my jaw as my chin started to tremble. "I don't want to let you go, sweetheart. I-I'm not strong enough to do that, and... I love you too much to just forget about you." I couldn't stop it at this point. The ache in my chest had grown too strong, and sobs soon started to wrack my body as I held my daughter close to me, tightly, in fear that she would be ripped from me again. "I'm s-sorry, Mira... I couldn't protect you. I- I failed... I-I'm so sorry, love."
I started to cry even harder when Mira began to whimper, and buried her head further into my chest. I encompassed the little girl in my embrace, smoothed out her hair, kissed her head, and reassured her every way that I could. "Mama... it's not you fault.... Not you fault. Please, no be angry!" She sniffled.
The Valar, the heart of a child...
Releasing a breath, I adjusted Mira slightly and moved her hair from her face. I looked at her in the eyes while gently stroking her cheek with my thumb. "Oh, sweetheart... listen to me, okay?" I whispered. "I always want you to know how much I love you. I love you so, so much. You will always be my beautiful, kind, compassionate, sweet little girl. My princess. Do you know that?" When she nodded, I cracked a smile and softly, shakily, pressed my lips against her forehead in a tender kiss. "Good... I never want you to forget that. No matter what happens, I will always be your Mama. No one will ever, ever, change that. I will always be your Mama, and you will always be my daughter. My Mira."
We were now lying on the bedroll, our foreheads leaning together, and both of her hands wrapped around my fingers. Mira blinked her own tears away before nodding. "An- An' you awways be my Mama."
I smiled widely in reply, the ache of reality and the joy of reunion battling one another in my heart. "Yes, sweetheart. I will."
I eventually fell asleep later that evening, but not after staying up for as long as humanly possible to spend time with my daughter. I watched Mira drift off to sleep while examining every part of her, her wavy black hair fanning out against the bedroll, her beautiful and chubby cheeks spotted with freckles, the 'O' shape her lips made from lying on the side of her face, the indents of lines across the palms of her hands, everything.
I knew she would be gone when I woke up. But to have this last moment with her before the chaos that would ensue in the days coming: it was evidence that there was indeed good in this world. I would never forget Mira- even if I wanted to, I could not.
No, I would not forget her.
Instead I would fight for her. I would fight for Mira, and for every single other person that had been persecuted. I would fight for the husbands and wives that lost their spouses. I would fight for the families that got torn apart in the midst of war. I would fight for my right to someday have happiness again, with Fili in my arms, and Mira in my heart.