I sigh and sit up.
"Are you okay?" Coralie whispers into the dark after me as I stand up.
"Yeah." I mumble, rubbing my eyes clear.
"Where are you going, do you want-"
"No. Stay." I say as I lean back over the bed, I rub my face against her side, and listen to the sweet sound of our children, and it calms my heightened nerves. She sighs, and runs her fingers through my hair, and even though I stood up a moment ago, because I had felt as though I was burning and suffocating in my sleep, it's comforting to be pressed against her warm side.
"Hurry back. I have to get up at noon." She whispers, and yawns as she snuggles into her pillow. I don't reply, just kiss the side of her face, but I feel her cheek moving into a smile as I kiss it, and I know she's not worried. I leave the room, and head down the stairs. I need a breath of fresh air.
Sleeping is almost a chore for me now. I hate it.
Whenever I sleep I feel trapped.
I feel the ties of permanence.
I feel as though I'm never going to wake.
In my dreams I run in the darkness, running as fast and as far as I can into the void, but it's never enough; all I see is red, it's all I feel, it's all I breathe. When I wake I feel jolted to the core, I feel as though the wind has been knocked from me, it's as if reality is being torn from me in my sleep, then I am shoved right back as I wake.
I should be sleeping.
I need to regain my strength, I can't lead the pack with my mind like this- I couldn't last night.
I just ran and ran around them, making sure no one got close to them, I couldn't give commands or lead.
Coralie led the pack, and it made me feel so proud, yet so weak. When we got in this morning I couldn't face them. I couldn't face her.
I took a deep breath, and opened the door to the porch, and stepped out into the early morning haze. It was cold and foggy, and I couldn't see past the scout house- the fog was so low. I put my elbows on the railing of the porch and rubbed my eyes clear again. I need to snap out of this. I need to breathe, and relax, and move on.
I got shot. I almost died.
I'm here now, though.
Isn't that enough?
I jump, and turn around, at the sound of the door sliding open behind me.
"Oh, it's you..." Lavender said nervously. I looked at her in question. "It's just- Coralie used to come out here in the mornings to think a lot when... Well- anyways- I was going to see if she was okay..." She explained.
My heart sank a bit, knowing Coralie would come out here and worry, think, stress. I sighed and turned back around, angry with myself for letting that happen to her.
"You know... You can't keep blaming yourself for getting hurt. It's silly. We were safe, and we're all here now, and- and if we were in trouble we could handle it, because you trained us to." She says as she comes to stand beside me, and puts her elbows on the rail like I have. I look at her and I see my mother as I always have, but now I see more, now I see myself. I see worry in her eyes, I see strength, and hope, and fearlessness. I see parts of me I want to gain back myself. It was as if they're preserved within her and I can see them whenever I look at her. When had she learned those things? How could she? When I've been worse- within the time she's been here- than ever. "You've trained us to be strong, no matter what."
"I see that." I said in a hoarse voice, feeling the sting of soft vocal chords from not speaking much in the past few months; my external wounds are healed, but my internal are not as quick to repair. "I am proud of you..." I say quietly, even though it takes a lot to push past the mental barrier of speaking to anyone. I've been feeling so unworthy of them, all of them, that even speaking to my own sister seems hard, it feels like a privilege that I shouldn't be allowed. "You're really growing up." I looked over our land, wondering how I got here- how we got here? It amazes me how we've come together, and both of us have aged beyond our years, we've come from nothing as a family, to this place with Cora and the others. I never even thought I'd see her again. I look at her again and see how much she's aged in her eyes, in the length of her hair, I see it in her smile as her toothy grin looks proud and over joyed, I see it all across her face.
"You know, I could say the same to you brother- you seem wiser, but it scares you. Don't be scared brother, we're here, and we're in this together." She says as she hugged me with one arm. I smiled as she pulled me to her side. "What was bothering you tonight?" She asked as she let go and leaned on the rail again.
"Oh, I- I was dreaming of fire, I needed air."
"It's probably all of that hair on your head." She laughed, looking at me with a fake pity as she ruffled my hair quickly.
"Is it bad?!" I laugh, running my fingers through my hair. She tries not to laugh, but nods in amusement.
"You look like a musketeer or something." She covers her mouth, but is laughing.
"Will you help me- if I shave it off will you help me get the back?" I ask as I keep running my fingers through it, she must be right, it feels even longer than I kept it in school. I just haven't really been able to look at myself lately. I must look as terrible as I feel.
"Okay, but can I ask you to do me a favor?" She asks, an uneasy braveness over her features. I nod, and wave for her to ask. "Can we do mine, too?" She asks.
"Really?" I asked in shock. All of the girls keep their hair long in this family, but that's just a coincidence that I'm used to- Frea's is kept the shortest, and it's past her collar bones. I was stoked though, I think Lavender will look so great, and I admire her bravery to do so, and I could kind of see why she wants to.
"Yeah, maybe not buzzed down, but really short, I just- I feel different you know, and I feel older, and I don't want to keep getting the confusion people have, you know... when they see me around our sisters, and I look just like them, but I'm taller. And you know I think- I think we both need a fresh start." She says as she looks up at me. Her nervousness is gone, and she now looks determined.
"Let's do this." I say happily, clapping my hand on her shoulder.
"Yes sir!" She says triumphantly, and we both head into the house and to the bathroom. She stands in front for the mirror, playing with her hair, as I get out the scissors and the buzzers. I start looking through the combs for the buzzers, trying to find a good length- maybe a three or a four, and when I look up to the sound of snipping I see that she's cutting it all ready. It was to her hips, because her aging makes it grow rapidly, but now half of its gone. She looks in shock for a moment, but then looks at me, and her shock turns into a laugh, as she sees my amused face.
"Well, that was the easy part..." She laughs as she puts the scissors down, she then grabs her hair up in a pony tail above her head, and ties it off. "Okay brother, now or..." She makes a twisted up face and peeks from only one eye as she snips above the pony tail holder- and shrieks. Loudly. And then we both laugh as she pretends to cry. "Oh my god! Oh my god!" She rambles nervously as she snips through the last pieces of her pony tail. "I did it! Oh my god!" She says, her face back into an honest shock. She puts the scissors down quickly and pulls the pony tail holder out. "I actually did it." She says proudly, as she runs her fingers through the jaggedly chopped remnants of her hair. A smile spreads across her proud face.
"Here, let me make it official." I say as I stand behind her and turn on the buzzers. She beams as I begin to shave off the rest of the length, and it begins to even out into a short almost pixie length. As pieces of hair fall over her shoulders she grabs one and looks at it as if it is spun gold. As if any bad memories have been turned into good, and all the negativity has been stricken away with this hair. She looks at herself and seems sure as her reflection smiles back. She looks up at my reflection and I smile- even though it's hard- because she is here. She is my sister, she is proud of us, and so am I. She's right, I can't keep holding onto my mistakes, my past, and I will fight the darkness within for as long as I have to. She has, a s she is here; so is Cora, and the girls, Brian- all of whom have suffered more than I have. It won't be easy to fight tomorrow, or the next day, but it will be some day. For all of us I need to try.
I put the buzzers down and for a moment she is still.
She runs her fingers through the short hair, and turns her face in different angles to get a good look.
"Okay, your turn." She says happily, but I know it's because she's trying not to cry, I can see that change in her eyes, the realization of the significance of her hair being gone, and how it was making her feel. It makes her feel as though she really is changing, she now looks as different in the outside as she does within, and she is proud of who she is. I know that feeling, feeling like you can do it, you can handle growing up too quickly.
I crouch on my knees so she can help me with the tangled hair I've grown. I look back at the tired eyes before me in the mirror, and as Lavender starts buzzing away my hair, I feel as changed as she does.