~Los Angeles,
•06/05 {Monday, 8:25 A.M}
~*~ Dorian ~*~
It felt weird to be there, but I had to do it. I had to be there. I should've came sooner anyways. I should have came multiple times already, but I was acting like a coward and never came to visit her. I felt like the most miserable child on Earth. How could I be so selfish and cruel ? It wouldn't even have taken too much of my time. That's such a shame.
Was she mad at me for that ?
I took a deep breath as I was listening to Hello by Adele, that was playing on the radio. The song was putting me in a depressing mood and making me feel more guilty. I finally stopped the engine, after a long moment of hesitation. Should I go or not ? I was scared for some reason. It was a place where I didn't want to be, but I had to do it. It will help me to have another closure and so to move forward with my life. I needed to do it to forgive myself too.
I looked at the flowers on the backseat and almost grabbed the wheel to get the fuck away from here, but I refrained myself to do so. I couldn't go back now, I had to do it. I wouldn't forgive myself if I don't do it.
I took another and longer deep breath and looked up at the sky, "You can do it." I encouraged myself before to slowly open the door. My hand was shaking and I felt like I was about to throw up. My heart was beating too fast for my liking. I wanted to close that door and leave, but I couldn't do that. I had to go there and say hello. I had to talk with her and apologize for everything. We had to make amends some way.
Will she be happy to see me ?
I'm her son after all, so why not ? I stood up, still moving slowly and completely got out of the car. I went to the passenger seat and took the bouquet of white and pink lotus flowers. It looked like a wedding bouquet, but I didn't care. She deserved the best anyways.
I locked the doors and walked to the entry. I stood there, motionless, taking in my new whereabouts. The day being so bright and beautiful was helping a lot to make it a bit easier to do. There were some clouds, but for most part the sky was cleared and the color blue was magnificent. The sun was actually giving it more beauty. The birds were singing and flying, enjoying their day. At some moments, I could feel a little and comfortable breeze caressing my skin, what was calming me somewhat.
I sighed and walked to my final destination. Once I was there, I could feel the water coming to my eyes, but I didn't let them cry. I did enough yesterday night, when I started to think about her and all the memories we had together. From my childhood to my adulthood, she was there for me the best way she could do it.
I bent down and delicately placed the flowers on her tomb. It still seemed unreal to me, but she was indeed dead and was buried in this cemetery a couple of months ago. I was there and saw her going underground. But for some reason, it still seemed like it never happened.
I let escape the breath that I was holding and sat down. I was happy that the staff was taking well care of the grass. You could almost want to do a picnic here, but it was a cemetery so yeah...You got the picture, right ?
I raised my left leg and put my left arm on it, and looked at her picture. She was so pretty. Her smile made me smile. But it quickly disappeared when I realized one more time that she was no longer among us. I missed her so much.
I cleared my throat, "You're surely wondering why I came today, huh ? Mainly when I could've done that before. Well...I'm sorry. It's just that...I couldn't do it. I could't come and see you, not like this. Of course, I know that I was going to bury you one day, but...it happened so suddenly and so fast. I wasn't ready to go through this in addition of everything that was already occurring. You want to know why I came today ? " I waited for a few seconds, like if she was actually going to answer me. But I knew it wasn't going to happen.
I chuckled, "Yesterday after I spent the whole day at Six Flags with the fam, I all of sudden got a memory of you running through my mind and...I was about to call you, thinking that it's been awhile since we shared a conversation and then...I remembered...I remembered that you were...gone." I looked down at my hand, "I regret everything, you know." I looked up at the tomb, "I regret the way I acted with you before the accident. We already wasted seven years and instead of being smart and really took advantage of my new found freedom, I preferred to be childish and be so rude to you. You didn't deserve it after all we've been through. Everything could have been better. We could've worked it out. I'm so sorry."
I stayed silent for a couple of seconds, "If we're cool uh, it would be nice of you to send me a sign. I don't know, just something. You could come to speak in my dreams." I frowned, "No...it sounds creepy." I laughed quickly, "Do you like Docia for me ? I know she's a little older than me --well that's what she's been saying-- but I do really like her and I can see myself building a future with her. Yeah, I'm talking about marriage and children. I hope they'll look more Asian than me. That's what you always wanted, right ? "
I stayed there and talked with my mother for a hour and as the time was going, the weather was getting warmer and the sun was shining more and more, what seemed like a sign to me actually. Something was telling me that she was trying to send me that sign I asked for. All my demeanor appeased and I felt happier.
"Well, I have to go, but don't worry I'll be back soon. I won't come every day, but I'll pay you a visit here and there. You know how I feel about cemeteries. But now, I'm gotta go. I'm gonna be off probation officially. Yes, I did it." I grinned, wondering if she was proud of me. This same something was telling me that she was.
I was finally and officially free today. I couldn't believe that I respected the rules the whole year, but I did it. And now I was being recompensed for my good behavior. I won't miss Mr. Collins. Nope. And I promised to myself to never go back to jail. I won't go through all of this ever again in my life.
"I love you, mom."
~*~ Docia ~*~
"Do you still want to do this ? " Yemi asked me as she sat next to me on my couch. This girl didn't feel like going to work today, so she called her cheating ass boss and told him that she was sick so she could chill all day. But why would you do that if you wake up early in the morning anyways ? She came here, knocking on my door like a crazy person, at six A.M and got me out of bed. She was lucky she was my best friend or else I would've killed her.
"Yes. And now I found the partner, so I guess that I'm really ready for it this time."
She hummed, "Did you already talk about this with Dorian ? Do you know if he wants kids ? And maybe that..." She trailed off, not knowing how to express her next words.
"He wants children on his own and not by adoption. We can still try to do it, but I'm passed thirty years old."
"And pregnancy around those ages can be risky. I mean if y'all decide to do it before you hit the big three five, you'll have more chances for it to go well, but...y'all are not trying to rush things with your relationship, so..."
I sighed, "I know. We're not even official just yet and I don't know when we'll be. And then maybe he wants to get his kids only after marriage and...how long is it gonna take us to get to that stage ? Are we not going too slowly ? "
"Be careful, girl. Don't go and rush him into things now just because you want something. You have to respect his wishes too. You should talk about this with him and then see on what y'all can compromise for things to work out between y'all."
"And now what I do if we can't compromise ? "
"Shit." She shook her head, "I don't know. How do you feel about him though ? Do you love him ? "
It was a good question, but I couldn't give her an answer to it. Here I was thinking that we were maybe going too slowly with our relationship, but then again I didn't want to rush myself and put all my feelings out there like that. It felt like it was too soon for me to love Dorian. I liked him a lot, but loving him ? Now, that was another level that I wasn't that much ready to reach yet.
"I can't love him just yet. It's too soon."
"I know what you mean, sis. I feel the same about Marc. I don't want to go too deep into something and end in deep pain. Why is it so complicated to be a human ? "
I chuckled and shrugged, then focused back on the TV. I was scared to have this conversation with Dorian to be honest, but it needed to be done. I needed to know where we were standing and what was our next move. I wanted to be with him and could see myself going further with him in the future, but I also still had my personal goals to reach and if for that I had to finish things between us, I'll do it.
Sometimes you have to think about yourself before anybody else.
"Are you plotting ? Why are you so quiet and have this face on ? What are you thinking about ? " She questioned and I pouted.
"Maybe that I'm going to lose him, Ye. It'll be sad, but I have things to do. I really want that kid and I won't prevent myself to do what I want for so long because of someone else."
"Please, think positively. Dorian seems to be the kind of man that likes kids. He's super great with Ryver. Like Ryver, really ? And you know that my son doesn't like people. And did you see him with his little cousins ? He would be an amazing father. I'm sure you're just getting worried for no reason. Maybe that he wants kids now too."
"Key word is maybe. It's not sure at 100 percent."
"Okay...But if he doesn't react the way you want at first, don't go all crazy and try to understand his pov first."
I frowned slightly, "Pov ? "
"Point of view." She quickly rolled her eyes and groaned, "Gosh ! You can be so slow sometimes."
I pushed her arm, "Shut up ! "
~*~ Dorian ~*~
"What does it feel like to be a veritable free man ? " Laylani asked as we entered in the crib. She had problems with her car, so she called me to pick her up from her friend's house. RJ was away for four days and I promised him that I'll take care of his love for him.
"Man's red flower, it's--" I began to sing Pharrell Williams' song, but got cut off real quick.
"Oh hell nah ! You're always trying to sing, but let me tell you something, you sound horrible. Lawd ! Please, stop trying. Please, have mercy."
"Damn ! Why don't you hurt my feelings even more ? "
"Sorry, but only the truth hurts."
"Yeah, I've noticed."
She laughed, "I'm happy that you're doing better. And I'm also glad that you didn't try this again." She looked at my scar on my forearm, where I shoved the piece of glass months ago. It wasn't as big as before, but it seemed like something that will stay for a long time. At least now, I could finally show my arm. The scar was noticeable only if you really payed attention to it, "I've been so worried about you since then, but I saw changes. I'm proud of you."
"Thank you." As I said that, my phone started to ring in my pocket. I pulled it out and answered, wondering why my realtor was calling me now. I was hoping for the best, "Wassup ? "
I heard him chuckle, "You don't answer to everybody like that, do you ? "
I shrugged like he could see me, "I don't care."
He laughed more, "Okay. You're definitely a character. Anyways, I was calling to tell you that the couple finally didn't take the condo and so if you're still interested, you can have it."
"For real ? "
"Yes. So, what do you want to do ? "
"Well...Can I visit the condo one more time before to tell you if I'm taking it or not ? "
"Of course. When do you want to see it ? "
"Tomorrow ? "
"I'll be busy with another client, but you can still come to my office and get the keys. Once you're done with the visit, bring them back to my assistant and I'll contact you after tomorrow to know your final decision. Is it fine with you ? "
"Yes ! Thank you so much."
"You're welcome. Have a blessed day."
"Thanks, you too." And with that said, we hung up. I danced a little and Lani looked at me like I've grown two additional arms.
"Who was it ? "
"The realtor. I'll be out of here soon, maybe." I answered while still doing my little dance. I'd been waiting for this forever. This was a really good day.
"Wow ! And yas ! I'll be able to walk completely naked around--"
"Excuse you ! Are you out of your mind ? I don't want to hear that. I don't want to know what you and my cousin are gonna do once I'll be out of here. Ew ! C'mon, Lani, have some mercy too. Ew ! " I walked away, not wanting to converse with her anymore.
She laughed, "I'm sorry, Dorian ! "
∫
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∫
Later that day, I decided to go to Docia's to spend some quality time with her and to tell her the good news as well. Those past few days, I loved going to her house at the end of the day and almost every day to hang out with her. I loved being around her that much.
"Hey ! "
"Hey ! You didn't tell me that you were coming."
"You don't want me here ? "
"Now, that's not what I said. I was just not expecting you. The house is not all cleaned up."
"You act like I've never seen your mess before. It's okay. You're not perfect, I'm not perfect, nobody's perfect. Do you have food though ? " I asked as I was getting comfortable on her couch.
"Go was your hands first. You're coming from outside with all type of germs that I don't want in my house."
But she could live in the same house where her husband killed himself and their kid. I still didn't know how she could do that. Wasn't it haunting her ? When I killed my father, my mother and I ran out of the house as fast as we could and we never came back, well except to move the body. We were really crazy individuals. She was living in the home of crime and I moved my father's dead body to the hood, and let it there like it was nothing. I didn't do it alone, but still I participated.
Yeah, definitely crazy.
"Okay, mom." I stood up and did as she said. When I came back in the living room, she was sitting down and reading a book. I looked the cover and saw that it was a book about adoption. Why was she reading this ?
I cleared my throat to get her attention, "What are you doing ? "
"Me ? Nothing, just reading. I can't do that now ? "
"No, I mean yes you can do that, but uh...Adoption ? Why are you reading a book about adoption ? "
"Because like you said I can." She answered smartly.
"Docia..." I raised my brow, "That's not the kind of regular book a person would read. You read those types of book because..." I needed her to tell me what was going on. I wasn't on for games.
She sighed, "Okay. We need to talk." She motioned for me to sit next to her. I hesitated for a second, but finally sat down, "I want a child and that since awhile now."
My heart made like ten jumps in my chest in less than one minute, "Wh-wha-what ? "
"I know, it sounds so sudden. Uh...surprise."
"Yo-you already stared it." I know that I told my mother that I wanted to build a future with Docia, meaning marriage and kids, but I wasn't ready for it now. I needed a couple more years.
"No, I didn't. But...I want to start it. I'm thinking about it for years now and I'm not getting younger..." She trailed off, staring at me with those eyes. It was like she was begging me to say something, to say the right words, the words she wanted to hear; but I didn't know what to say at this moment. I could't speak. It was too soon, too sudden, I simply couldn't do it.
"Do you want to have kids ? "
"Docia, what are you doing ? "
"Asking you a simple question. What's wrong ? "
"You're really asking me what's wrong right now ? " I began to raise my voice.
"Lower your voice and yes I am. Why are you getting upset for ? "
"I feel trapped and I don't like this ! "
"Trapped ? How ? "
"It's like...It's like..." I worked on my breathing before to continue, "It's like you telling me that you have a hidden child. I thought that we weren't trying to rush things."
"We are not rushing things."
"Adoption ! This doesn't sound like rushing things to you ? You're basically saying that you want to build a family right now and it seems like you already made up your mind and that you'll do it with or without me, you don't care. You're jumping so many steps at one time, oh my God ! " I massaged my temples as the headache was coming.
I felt like she had been planning that for the longest and that she was just looking for a father out there and got me. It was just too sudden to me. We agreed a multiple of times that we were taking this relationship or whatever it was slowly, that we weren't going to rush into things, but here she was doing the absolute opposite and I didn't like it. We weren't even together officially yet, but we were making our way to it and here she was going with the adoption thing like it's nothing.
"You act like I told you Dorian we're starting a family now and you have nothing else to say. What I didn't do. I simply asked a question and told you what's up."
"You could've told me this sooner. I really do feel rushed right now, Docia and I really don't like it. Now, what's happening if I say that I don't want to adopt with you."
"That's the thing, Dorian ! I didn't ask you to adopt with me ! "
"But--" I groaned and wiped my face in frustration, "Are you aware that we're messing with each other and most likely making our way into the relationship ? Are you aware of it or not ? "
"Yes I am ! "
"Then if you adopt a child and we get officially together and stay together, what do you think that I'm gonna be to the child ? This concerns me too, not only you ! "
"Listen, I--" I shook my head, too angry to keep talking about this and left. I couldn't stay and be calm until the end. I felt so rushed and so trapped right now, it was crazy. I couldn't explain this more, this was just how I was feeling right now and I couldn't stop the feeling.
"I'm done with your bullshit."
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Feel free to comment and/or to vote =)
A/N: Well, well, well...What are your thoughts about this ? Was Dorian right to react this way ? Or was he doing too much ? Is Docia wrong for bringing the subject up like that? I want to know your opinion about all of this.
THANKS FOR READING ! 💗
CissyItsMe 💋✌🏾❤️