~Los Angeles,
•10/31 {Tuesday, 10:56 A.M}
~*~ Docia ~*~
***
"What do you think you're doing ? You're not taking my son away from me ! I won't let you do this ! "
"We can't stay here with you anymore ! I told you to quit drinking if you wanted us to stay here with you, but you didn't make that effort at all ! Last night- Do you even remember what you did ? You scared the shit out of me and our son, once again. He can't witness another one of y-"
"You're doing this because you hate me ! "He cut me off getting me angrier.
"No ! I don't hate you, but we can't stay here with you. You're dangerous for us. I can't let you hurt us. I can't let my son see you hurt me either. The situation is getting out of hands. You need help ! Help that I can't offer you anymore."
"You hate me ! "
"No, I don't ! " I groaned finger combing my hair, "Listen to me ! You have a fucking problem ! You're an alcoholic and if you don't do something to get better you'll kill yourself or someone else or both ! "
"I'm not an alcoholic ! "
"Yes, you are one ! Curtis, you are an alcoholic and you need help ! RIGHT NOW ! "
"Try to take MY son away from me and I will kill you ! Do you hear me ? I will kill you ! Don't try me Docia. He's my child ! " He yelled in my face as tears were coming to my eyes. I wasn't about to cry because of the way he was talking to me, but because I didn't like what our marriage had became. I couldn't believe that now our marriage consisted only of arguments. Arguments and nothing else. And it was so tiring. I couldn't fight like this with the man I loved anymore. I couldn't let us tear each other down anymore. And it wasn't the best environment for our child.
I had to leave.
"Elijah and I are leaving definitely at the end of this week. Meanwhile, we're going to live in a hotel. Of course, I won't completely cut contact between you and him, bu-"
"Fuck you ! Do you hear me ? FUCK YOU ! You're a bitch for doing that ! FUCK YOU ! You're a bitch ! I should beat your ass right now for doing that shit to me ! I love you ! Why are you doing this to me, Docia ? " He got on his knees and wrapped his arms around my legs, "I fucking love you with all my heart and you want to do this to me...Why ? Why, Docia ? Please, don't go."
I gave him too much time to get his shit together by his own. I let my emotions and feelings get the best of me and I gave him more time to destroy himself.
"Bye, Curtis."
***
Thinking about this part of my past always make me feel guilty for Elijah's death. I should've been more efficacious with his father. I should've insisted more for him to get professional help. I should've left sooner. I should've been more careful. I should've given more attention to my marriage and my husband when things weren't going too well. I should've gotten us a couple therapist to help us to solve our problems. I should've done so much to avoid what happened.
But even if I had done everything like I should have, maybe it would still happen.
I was always trying to understand the tragedy, but it would always stay a whole mystery. Even if I had the opportunity to go back in the past to change everything, it wasn't sure that I would save my baby's life for good.
Maybe, this death was meant to happen.
Elijah was maybe destined to die at a very young age.
"Why are you pouting for ? It's Halloween, cheers ! " Ryver jumped next to me on the couch. Of course he was really happy. Halloween was his favorite day along with Christmas. His birthday was one too, but since the big betrayal of his father, he declared that he didn't want to celebrate his special day anymore.
"I'd never liked Halloween and I won't start to like it today." I said and then threw some pop corn in my mouth.
"So you're not coming to this party one of mom's coworkers organized at her house tonight ? And why are you eating pop corn at this time of the day ? It's not even past 12 p.m."
I shook my head, "No. I'm going to stay here and chill by myself. And I'm a grown woman, so I do whatever I want. Let me eat my food peacefully."
"You need to get out more often. Come with us ! C'mon, it's gonna be a fun night." He encouraged, but I was really not motivated to go somewhere. I was comfortable on this couch and there were interesting shows on TV.
"Why are you not at school again ? " I grabbed the remote and changed the program.
"Our teachers are going on strike for three days, maybe the whole week."
"Oh yeah, right. I bet you're enjoying this."
"I hope they're doing this next week too. But anyways, you have to come to this party, auntie. I swear, you're going to enjoy this party. Miss Genesis always organizes the best parties."
"Ryver, I don't want to go. Leave me alone." I fanned him off as I tried to get my entire attention on the screen. I wanted to enjoy Teen Mom right now.
He sighed, "You're not cool, auntie. Do you have Dorian's number though ? I'm sure he'll be down for it."
I cleared my throat and acted like I didn't hear him. It was the third week and I still hadn't had the chance to talk to him. I attempted to, but this institute had very strict rules. They told me he was doing alright, but it wasn't enough. I had to hear it from his mouth.
Yemi knew where Dorian was, but we said nothing to Ryver, "He can't go either."
"And how do you know this ? I didn't even ask him yet."
"Ryver, he can't go."
"You can read people's mind now ? His number, please." He held his hand out towards me.
"When is your mom coming back again ? "
He narrowed his eyes, "Something you need to tell me ? Where is Dorian at ? Something happened to him ? "
I wanted him to stop asking me all these questions, "Leave me alone. Go somewhere else. Don't you have some homework to do ? "
"Answer my questions, please." He insisted. This kid was really stubborn.
"Ryver, it's not because he hung out with us once that he will do it all the time. I'm sure he has other plans anyways."
"Let me find out you want to keep him for yourself." He mumbled leaving the living room.
"Come back here ! " He did as I said, "I'm not one of your friends." I warned him looking at him with severe eyes.
He looked down at his feet, "Sorry." He said with a little voice.
"That's not how you apologize properly to someone." He looked up at me and cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry for being insolent. Can I go now, please ? "
"Yes. I'm going to cook lunch soon, what would you like to eat ? "
"Fried chicken and fries, with a salad. Please." He answered and I nodded.
"Okay."
•11/03 {Friday, 8:04 P.M}
~*~ Dorian ~*~
* ''Don't be so quick to tear your brother down
Cause it might have just been one of them days
It doesn't take that long to tear somebody down
But it take less time to pray
If you see me down' wrong
Why don't you pray for me, pray for me ?
There's no need to cast a stone
Why don't you pray for me, pray for me ?
If you just happen to see me fall just
Pray for me, pray for me ?
Why not be the one that I can call
To pray for me ? '' *
I wasn't the biggest fan of God --I could admit that-- but I didn't dislike the Man above either. I wasn't always agreeing with his decisions, but I had always respected Him. Lately, I found myself speaking to him more often than usual. He was the only one I could see myself confess to without worrying about a judgment.
It was going on three weeks now and I felt like I was getting better, but I still had to deal with my inner demons. The fight wasn't done just yet. I had more battles to come. But at least, I could sleep at night now. Not every night, but the nightmares had definitely decreased since three weeks.
I guess that I just needed a quiet place where I could be calm and focus peacefully on myself. Nobody was bothering me here. The nurses were just making sure that were were taking our medicine and that we were following the rules. The therapists were just doing their job also and the therapy was easier now since I allowed myself to be more open.
I felt bad for the way I behaved with Docia. I was being more than complicated with her. I was taking my anger out on her, that's all I was doing during our sessions. I was so horrible. Even when I was nice with her, it wasn't at 100 percent. I always had to be complicated, trying to play mind games with her. She must be exhausted at the end of every one of our sessions.
"Hey big head ! " Herica greeted me and sat next to me. We finished to eat dinner not too long ago and now we were in the movie room where they were about to start a movie. They were first taking care of making us some pop corn and other snacks, and we were getting comfortable in the room in the meantime.
I smiled, "Hey. Happy today ? "
She nodded her head, "It's a beautiful day. I'm just trying to be more joyful, you know." She answered and then shrugged, "Plus, you're here now, so..."
"Her-"
She raised her hands up in surrender, "I know, I know ! I wasn't saying it like that. It was more like it's cool to have a friend here with me. I felt so alone these past few weeks, you know."
I noticed that she was almost always ending her sentences with you know. I didn't realize it the first day we met again here and it's not like she was really doing it. But this week, we've been spending some time together and I was now starting to notice some things about her.
And for some reason, I was always finding myself comparing her to Docia. Even if they were very different and there was no reason for me to do it actually. I couldn't understand what was the problem with me lately. Why was I all of sudden thinking so much about Docia ? And why was I always feeling this weird sensation in my stomach whenever I had her clouding my mind ? It was strange and very new to me. This had never happened to me before.
I was even getting scared since I was really not used to it.
I even began to believe that she maybe had a voodoo doll looking exactly like me and it was maybe the cause of all of this bullshit.
"Thinking about your love ? "
"My love ? "
"I don't know." She chuckled, "You're often in this trance and sometimes you smile when you're in it. A crush ? "
"You're so nosey."
"Ouuuh ! Dorian has a cruuuuush." She sang teasing me.
"Now, I never said that."
"You didn't really deny it either."
"I just did."
"I'm not convinced." She shook her head, "So...What's her name ? "
"None of your business." So, that was this ? I had a crush on my therapist ? It couldn't be possible to me. I didn't want to believe it. It was so weird. Sure, Docia was a very attractive woman, I had always thought that, but I never really had an interested into her like that. Or maybe a little bit. In fact, every time I had the opportunity I was flirting with her. But for my defense, it was in my nature; I had always been very friendly with the opposite sex.
"I got you thinking, huh ? "
"How do you know when you like someone ? " I asked out of nowhere.
"I'm not an expert, but I think the very first sign is when you can't stop thinking about that special someone. And you want to get to know that person so much. Like you want to be able to read them like an open book. And you care a lot about their well-being also. Oh ! And whenever you see that person, you always feel the butterflies."
I raised a brow, "The butterflies ? "
"Yes, that little tickle traveling up your stomach every time your crush talk to you or simply look at you. You can even have them when you're simply thinking about your crush. What is powerful to me. Like, the person doesn't even have to be in your presence to make you feel some type of way. This is strong."
"It's insane." I cleared my throat, "And...Uh, what you do when you think that you like someone ? "
"Well, first you have to make sure that it's reciprocal or at least that you have a chance for it to be reciprocal. You know, just making sure that you're not wasting your time. When you are sure of that, you try to be closer to the person. Y'all can go on date for example."
"On date ? "
She chuckled mockingly, "Truuuuuue. You don't know what it means."
I looked at her not once amused, "I know what it means. It's just that..." I trailed off thinking about my next words.
"You never went to one before. But don't worry, there is a first time for everything. You can take her to the movies or a restaurant. Or you can organize a romantic picnic. Or you can cook for her ! Women love men who can cook." She grinned.
Did I want to do those type of things with Docia ? Little yes.
Did I care about her ? Yes.
Did I want to get to know her like an open book ? Yes.
Did I see her more than a friend ? Hesitating yes.
Did I want something serious with her ? A shy yes.
I wasn't sure at 100 percent about all of this, but this woman had been heavy on my mind lately for some reason and plus she was causing this stupid butterflies sensation in my stomach. Why was it happening to me ?
And how did I get to this point ?
Why did I like her ?
Of course, she was a wonderful woman and I was sure she could make any man happy. She had an incredible personality, even if I didn't see a lot of it, I could already tell. She was beautiful and smart. She was caring. She made me laugh more than once and it had always been a turn on to me that a woman can provoke that out of me. I loved her smile. She was exceptional. Plus, she could dress very well. Her hair and make up was always on point.
She was perfect.
I groaned getting anxious, "I don't want to like her though. And why would she go on a date with me ? "
"Dorian, you're awesome."
"No, I'm not. I'm a complete wreck. She doesn't need me. She'll be better without me. I'm not a good man."
"Why are you saying that ? It's not true."
I stood up, "You don't know me, Herica." And with that said, I left the movie room and went to the reception, "Can I go to my room, please ? "
"You're not feeling good ? "
"I think I have a stomachache." I lied.
She nodded, "Okay. Nurse Fee is going to take you back to your room. She's going to give you something for that stomachache also. Well, if it's not too dangerous." She mumbled the last sentence.
"Uh, I won't need it. I don't want to mix it with my antidepressants. I'll be okay, I just need to lay down. It's nothing major."
"Are you sure ? "
"Yes."
"You're not planning to do something you shouldn't do, right ? "
"I just want to lay down, ma."
She observed me for a moment and then finally grabbed the phone to call nurse Fee, so she could come and get me. Those people were on our backs as much as they could to prevent us to harm ourselves. I knew it was for our best and because they were trying to help, but sometimes it was really annoying.
I couldn't wait to get out.
___________________________
Feel free to comment and/or to vote =)
A/N: I will skip some weeks or maybe months in the next chapter, because if I write about him being in the mental institution from beginning to end, I will never finish the book lol 😝 Are you seeing changes in Dorian's behavior ?
PS: Dorian, Docia, Ryver and Herica in the M/M
THANKS FOR READING ! 💗
CissyItsMe 💋✌🏾❤️