~Los Angeles,
•07/05 {Saturday, 12:57 P.M}
~*~ Dorian ~*~
I stood up, put some money on the counter and left the restaurant as fast as my feet were allowing me to do. I couldn't stay any longer. I was getting upset with the conversation and during our anger management classes, she told me a few times that I should learn how to walk away from an unwanted situation that would make me angry; and that was totally the case, so I walked away.
She was so annoying wanting to analyze me all the time. I was there to chill and eat peacefully, but she had to ruin that moment and turned my whole lunch break into another therapy session. Why were people always trying to get the worst out of me ? I was trying to change and be a better me, but everybody just had to get on my nerves all the time.
I was cooperating now in those therapy sessions and sometimes we would even laugh together, so why was she doing that to me ? What did she want more from me ? To talk ? To tell her my deepest thoughts, fears and nightmares ? I told her countless times that I won't open up like that and I was showing it with my behavior too; so why was she insisting so much ? I felt the pressure on me and I didn't like it. I knew she wasn't doing this as a bad person, but only to do her job and because for some unknown reason she cared so much to help me to get better; but we couldn't continue like that. She couldn't keep pushing me to allow her in my head, because I didn't want to do that and nobody nor nothing will change my mind.
"Shit ! " I groaned out in frustration and stopped in my track, in the middle of the streets. I took a deep breath trying to calm myself down. I couldn't go back to work all mad. Fortunately, I have one hour left to cool off.
"Dorian."
I rolled my eyes and turned around to face her, "What do you want ? "I asked with a harsh tone of voice.
"I didn't mean to upset you back there. I was just...being honest with you."
"Well, next time don't be so honest with me."
"What exactly got you angry in the first place ? We were-"
I groaned again and this time more louder, "Stop ! " I screamed getting attention from some people, "Stop doing that ! "
"Okay, please calm down, we don't need you to cause a big scene." She whispered grabbing my forearm, and then she started dragging me somewhere.
"Where are you taking me ? Help ! "
"Can you stop ?! " She whispered-yelled shooting me a warning glare.
"No, that's my line. You stop ! "
"Stop what ? " She abruptly stopped walking as I snatched myself off her grip. We were now standing in front of a bookstore called PARADISE.
We both crossed our arms at the same time, "Stop being a damn therapist for a few minutes ! "
"What are you talk-"
"The questions, the tone you used and the look ! It's so irritating ! Can you be just a human for once ? We were eating pizza an-"
"I wasn't trying to analyze you." She cut off getting me even more mad.
"Yes, that's exactly what you were trying to do ! And you know wha-" I paused and wiped my face, "Except for the therapy sessions, do not talk to me ! " After I said that, I didn't even wait for an answer and walked away fuming.
Maybe I was exaggerating and honestly I didn't care.
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∫
"Are you going to come back even if you're not working here anymore ? " Aria asked as she was playing with her teddy bear's left paw.
I sighed thinking about my response. Mrs.Pedroza was proud of me and content with my work and as promised I had a permanent job that was waiting for me; but the thing is that I didn't want it. The three weeks I spent at the hospital were enough, I needed to change my environment. Plus, this job wasn't horrible, but it was becoming boring at some point. Every day I was coming at the same hour in the morning to then go back home at the same time in the evening too. Doing the exact same thing every day. Seeing exactly the same people every day. I just couldn't. A nine to five regular job --well, here it was more like six-thirty to six-- wasn't for me. I wasn't fit for that. It wasn't my thing, really not.
"I'll try to come as much as possible to visit you, well if your parents let me." I responded honestly. I hated hospitals with all my heart to start off and being here for three weeks, five days a week, got me completely sick of this place to be honest. Aria, my little hero, was the light and motivation throughout all this journey; so I somewhat owned her that. Plus, since she couldn't get out of here until her recovery --and only God knew how long it was going to take-- it was our only way to stay in contact.
She beamed and clapped her hands happily, "Great ! I'm going to ask mom..." She looked down pouting, "...and daddy."
It was breaking my heart to witness that, "Everything is gonna be alright. Don't worry." I attempted to comfort her.
"I really hope he'll be by my side on Monday. I need him here. I don't even know where he's been these past few days. He didn't call to know how I am doing. He didn't come back to apologize. By the way, you didn't apologize either." She looked up at me with wide eyes.
I chewed on my bottom lip while scratching the back of my neck, feeling a bit ashamed of myself; "I'm sorry for having punched your father."
"Apology accepted." She smiled holding her hand out for me to shake.
I shook it chuckling, "But for my defense, it was to defend your mother."
She nodded, "I know. How did you two meet anyways ? "
"What ? Your mother and I ? " I acted clueless.
She gave me a look, "Yes. So ? She told me that you're an old friend from when she was seventeen. Is it true ? " She continued to interrogate me.
"Uh...Yes." I half-lied. She was only seven years old, so I couldn't tell her the entire truth; plus it's not like she really needed to know everything that went down between her mother and I when we were in high school.
"Uh...Yes ? " She mocked staring intensely at me, "Why were you hesitating ? "
"I wasn't." I shrugged, "Anyways ! How are you feeling today ? " I changed the subject of conversation.
"I'm grown enough to understand. Were you lovers ? You seem like you were really close whenever you're interacting. And the first time you walked in my room, she froze like she'd seen a ghost and she was always trying to avoid you for a few days. I watched a couple of young teenage movies and some exes act exactly like you two."
"People your age shouldn't be allowed to watch TV." I commented taken by surprise. I wasn't expecting her to say something like that.
"I assumed like her you're not going to answer my questions, huh ? "
"Why are you even wondering ? You shouldn't be worried about those things."
"Yeah, but the atmosphere is always weird when you two are in the room at the same time ! Like you don't understand, the awkwardness is so uncomfortable and big."
I furrowed my eyebrows hearing this. I didn't even notice. For me, Herica and I were cool now and moved on our past. I didn't know what tension she was talking about. As I was about to say something else, the door suddenly opened and I was shocked to see who the person was. After practically one week of absence --or maybe it really passed by one entire week, he was finally back here.
I looked down at Aria and it actually and instantly warmed my heart to see the huge smile she had on her face, "Daddy ! "
"Hey, baby girl." He hugged her tightly and then pressed a kiss on her forehead. Next thing you know, he's holding up a pink bag, "Look what I have for you." He said before to hand her the gift, "Daddy loves you and is sorry." He added and they hugged again.
Personally, I thought that this scene was so sad. He disappeared for days after hitting her mother right in front of her and he found nothing else to do to apologize than giving stupid gifts. His little 'sorry' didn't even sound sincere. I felt like he kind of knew that what he did was wrong, but didn't really know actually. Or he just didn't care.
It was very sad.
"Thanks, daddy."
"You love it ? " The gift was a black doll with long curly black hair and she had a pet, that was a white dog.
"Yes. That's the one I wanted." She responded and started playing with it.
"Can you leave us alone, please ? We're having a moment." He said rudely to me and I swear, if Aria wasn't present, I would've given him the ass whooping he deserved and needed in his life to get his shit together. He really needed to get it right.
If not for him, at least for his daughter.
I rolled my eyes shaking my head and made my way out the door before he could have the chance to say something else that could get me pissed off and then send me back to jail. I didn't want that to happen. Those seven years in there were enough.
"Bye, Dorian ! See you on Monday." Aria waved at me as I turned around and I waved back. After that I was walking to the elevator.
"Wait a minute ! " I heard behind me and sighed in annoyance.
"What ? " I asked as he placed himself next to me.
"Do not dare to come here on Monday. My daughter will be just fine without you."
I chuckled as I pressed the button for the elevator to come. I was officially done with this idiot. He got some nerves to tell me that bullshit after what he'd done. It was like if a man, who had robbed people for years, was giving me a speech about acting right in life. Peeped what was wrong with this last sentence ? If no, read it again. It's like people who judge others like they are some model of virtue, while we all know that nobody is perfect and everybody had already sinned; except little babies, but they will one day...because we're all humans.
In short, only God can judge.
"Did you hear me ? "
"Yeah, but did I listen is the question you should be asking me. Man, I don't care about what you want, Aria wants me to be here on Monday and that's exactly what I'm going to do."
"She's a kid and doesn't know what she wants. Stay away from my family or else..." He warned, attempting to scare me, but I wasn't. He was scaring no-damn-body with his empty threat.
"You're a joke. Do you know that ? "
"I'm serious. I love my family too much to let someone like you ruin everything."
I frowned wondering what he meant by that, "Someone like me ? What type of person I am to your eyes exactly ? "
"Don't think that I didn't notice what's going on with my fucking wife ! " He said through gritted teeth.
I was very lost, "What ? " My frown deepened.
"I'm not stupid. I repeat, stay away from my family because I wouldn't be scared to break your legs."
"And watch me whip, watch me nae nae." I danced as the doors opened and I then walked in the elevator, "Bye, bitch." I threw him the peace sign while the doors were closing.
I didn't care, I was going to be here on Monday.
~*~ Docia ~*~
I sighed as I entered in my living room and took my shoes off. I throw my bag on the couch, before to make my way upstairs to take a shower and change my outfit. I felt like a piece of shit right now and I needed to wash myself off.
"Relax. It wasn't that serious." I said to myself while I was climbing the stairs.
***
"I'm tired of this, Docia ! Where were you at ?! "
"I was working. Why are you screaming for ? You're going to wake my baby up."
"He's not here ! "
I looked at him with furrowed eyebrows wondering what he was saying; "What do you mean ? Where is my baby at ? Where is he ? "
He wiped his face in frustration and let escape a long heavy sigh while shaking his head disappointedly; "You forgot, didn't you ? "
"What ? " I was completely lost with this conversation. I was at work all day and I couldn't wait to be the evening to come back home, so I could finally relax with my family. Well, I was hoping we could do that FOR ONCE. I was really impatient to spend some quality time with my lovely son and husband, but seemed like we were about to argue all night and I didn't like it. Mainly that it wasn't the first time it was happening.
He dryly chuckled and next thing I know he punched violently in the wall, causing me to jump in fear and to cover my mouth. Then I knew he was pissed, but I didn't know what was the reason of his sudden rage. I had never seen him like this before. I had never seen him this angry before. His eyes were dark, like someone had put poisoned in them and the veins in his muscles looked like they were about to explode at any time.
"Okay...You need to calm down. Brea-" A little scream got out of my mouth when he threw the vase that was on the coffee table against the TV screen.
"I'm not one of your stupid patients ! " He spit out with anger in his voice.
"But...I was-"
"I can't believe this ! I planned this special night for us, to spend some time together and get the romance back in our mariag-"
I gasped as guilt started invading me, "I'm so sorry, Curtis. Oh my God, I forgot. I'm sorry." But this feeling of culpability quickly vanished with the following of the conversation.
"Yes, you're always sorry ! And I'm sorry to have married you ! " He paused putting his hands on his hips, "I can't continue like that, Docia."
But I didn't want this night to turn into another nightmare AGAIN; "No, no, listen, I'm sorry. It won't happen again." I got closer to him and slightly grabbed his arm, but he immediately walked away from me going on the other side of the living room.
"That's what you said last time ! " He said turning around to face me and also shaking his head.
"I know, but...I'm going to make some effort, I promise." I tried to cajole him, even if deep down I knew it was unnecessary.
"No, I don't believe you. You said it last time too and what is occurring right now ? Huh ? " I didn't answer to that knowing he was right. It wasn't the first time we had this argument. It wasn't the first time I had ruined one of the romantic nights he had planned for us. It wasn't the first time he was complaining about those things. And it wasn't the first time I wanted to just give up.
This mess was going on for weeks now.
"Your work and the patients are obviously more important than me and I can't keep acting like it's not bothering me to the point where I'm wondering if the problem is me when it's definitely you the issue in this marriage. Do you still love me ? "
"Yes, of course. You're the love of my life, Curtis." I wiped the few tears that had ran on my right cheek, "Listen, now you're mad and it's not the best time to make decisions and to have a serious conversation. You're going to say things that you'll regret and it'll only get the situation worst. The emotions are getting the-"
"Are you psychoanalyzing me right now ? Damn, Docia ! I'm not one of your patients ! "
"I'm not doing this. Why are you always accusing me of that ? We're talking, just talking."
"No, you were explaining to me my own emotions and I don't need that. I know I'm angry and I don't need a damn therapist to tell me that ! Fuck you Docia ! Damn ! "
I frowned shocked by his words, "Excuse you ? Fuck me ? How dare you ? "
"Good night, I'm done." He fanned me off and made his way to the kitchen, with me trailing right behind him.
We weren't done.
"You know why I'm working like that, Curtis ! Don't try it with me. I'm the only one providing for the family right now and if you didn't realize it yet, it's not that simple ! And plus, I'm raising a child by my damn self too ! What is making the situation harder ! "
"The fuck are you talking about ? "
"You know exactly what I'm talking about ! " I got in his face, "Since you lost your job, you..." I groaned in frustration, "You know what, we're not going to do this again. I'm going to bed. And if you decided to get completely drunk again, don't expect me to help you this time. Just keep getting fucked up, show your son how to be a miserable individual while mommy is doing every-"
"SHUT UP ! " He yelled on the top of his lungs.
"Enough is enough, Curtis ! Get it right before I decide to take my son an-"
"You wouldn't ! "
"He needs to be in a stable environment ! I don't want him to witness his father's downfall, not like that. One time was enough. He's scared of you now, did you notice it ? Of course no, you're too focused on destroying yourself to notice anything. That's why I'm unconsciously giving myself more work than I already have. To avoid this shit ! I'm uncomfortable in my own house and it's not supposed to be normal ! "
His eyebrow arched, "Unconsciously ? "
"I just got it. I was trying to feed myself with all those lies and hopes...when deep down in my heart, I know exactly what is going on. I love you, Curtis. I truly do, but..." I could feel the water coming, "...I have to think about myself and my baby. We can't stay here any longer. Or you can go and get the help you need. I would gladly do this, but I think it's better if you go to someone else."
He chuckled dryly, "You're really good at it, you know."
"Good at what ? " I asked once again very confused.
"To switch the situation in your favor." He answered pointing his finger accusingly at me.
Hearing that got me extremely upset. That wasn't the kind of woman I was at all, "No ! You're the one doing this. You're always trying to play mind games with me, trying to block me out because you think the only thing I want to do is get in your mind and manipulate it, but that's not what I do. Why don't you trust me ? I'm your wife ! "
"Are you sure ? Every day you're manipulating people to make them believe that life is great when we all know it doesn't really worth it." He kissed my cheek, "I'm going to bed."
This marriage was a pure disaster.
***
I sniffed while the warm water was flowing on my body relaxing my tense muscles. Thinking about Curtis will always put me in this cloudy mood and I didn't know why, but the argument I had with Dorian in the middle of the streets earlier somewhat flew me back into past and plus exactly at this specific moment in my life. The fact that he was getting mad because he thought that I was analyzing him when actually I was just trying to chill with him, caused a lot of pain and sadness inside me. I was tired of those very defensive people that were always trying so hard to protect themselves against me just because of my job. Yes, I was a therapist, but not a mind reader. I wouldn't attempt to use my skills to harm someone. I was manipulating nobody. My job consisted of helping people. Fortunately, not everybody was like that, but then there were individuals like Dorian...and Curtis.
Well, Curtis was mainly acting this way because he had became extremely insecure and paranoid when he lost his job. First he was always starting stupid arguments with me because he thought that I was cheating on him with ''rich dudes'' . Yes, it could only be rich men since I had an unemployed husband at home. Then he stopped doing this and began to drink uncontrollably. At first it was nothing, just one or two drinks here and there, and then he needs at least a bottle of champagne or a whole pack of beers every day. More the time was passing by, more problems were coming in our marriage and soon I was allowing myself to get lost in my work to not face reality. In front of people and mainly our son, we were keeping smiley faces on like we were really happy and behind the close doors we were almost ready to kill each other; so getting our self-esteems down, blaming the other for all the bad things that were happening, jumping to conclusion about the stupidest shits and so assuming that one of us was doing the other dirty behind the back, and so much more.
And even if you're a therapist, it doesn't mean that you're able to solve all of your problems faster than other people. I had my batch of bad and good days, ups and downs, victories and failures; I was still a human being.
And as any other human being, I didn't want to believe what was happening and wanted to run far away from my reality, so I didn't comprehend the biggest issue at time and next thing I know it was too late to save my family.
"Docia, are you in there ? What are you doing ? "
I startled hearing Yemi's voice at the other side of the bathroom door, "Uh...Yes ! I'm fine ! "
"Are you sure ? "
"Yes. I'm getting out in a moment."
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"In a moment my ass ! " She commented once I entered in the kitchen where she was cutting vegetables with the help of Ryver, who was doing better lately.
"Hey, big boy." I kissed his temple.
"Hi, aunt D."
"Hello birthday girl. Weren't you supposed to worry about only yourself for three days ? "
"Hello Mrs. I don't answer my phone ! I did it yesterday and I'm good just with that." She answered focused on what she was doing, what was great so she couldn't see my puffy and red eyes. But I knew she was soon going to notice them.
"Mom doesn't know what the word ''chill'' really means. I thought you knew it aunt D. I tried to spoil and take care of her, but she wasn't having that after one hour." Ryver told me causing his mother to narrow her eyes at him.
"It's not even true."
"Why are always you lying ? " He sang then laughed by himself. Yemi and I didn't know what was so funny as we stared at him with confused face expressions on.
"They're not the lyrics of the song." I said sitting on a stool.
"I know, it's a little remix. Want to hear the whole song ? "
"Is it something coming from...uh, what is it again ? Wine ? Vile ? " Yemi questioned gesturing with her left hand while the right was resting on her hip.
"It's Vine. And I first saw it on Youtube."
"What were you doing on Youtube anyways ? You better not lie." She asked raising her eyebrow suspiciously at him.
They continued to converse as I got in a trance.
I felt a little pinch in my heart watching them interacting with each other. My heart was crushed. And that little pinch was one of jealousy. Yes I was envious and to the point where I wanted to lock myself in my room, lay under the cover and cry my eyes out. It was hurtful to see them bonding and enjoying a beautiful mother and son moment like this one. I wished I could do the same, but it was too late.
It was so painful.
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•A/N: The chapter is a bit shorter than the last one, but it's still a long one though. Hope you enjoyed !
THANKS FOR READING ! 💗
CissyItsMe 💋✌🏾❤️