Alex’s POV
I sat in the hotel room wondering where Anjali was. I couldn’t handle the small room and being caged in anymore so I decided to leave the room and walk around the hotel hoping to find her. I noticed the empty bottle of Chardonnay in the room and if she had managed to polish the whole bottle I doubted she was at the bar. She was probably having a cup of coffee or walking off the stupor on the beach. So I decided to head down stairs and look for her because sitting and waiting was making me anxious.
I took the elevator down and walked to the café but I didn’t see Anjali. The beach it is. I walked outside and took off my shoes, rolled up my pants and started walking down the beach hoping to see her. The cool and fresh air felt good after being cooped up in the room for so long.
As I was walking I saw a couple slip their arms around each other as they were walking on the beach. Their back was to me, but I could tell by the way the hooked their arms around each other they were familiar with each other. You can always see the awkwardness of a new couple or the familiarity of a couple who has been together for a long time. This couple obviously had been together for a while.
Their familiarity with each other reminded me of the little habits that Anjali had with me, that came with the passage of time and the ease of being with each other. Anjali had always been shy and uncomfortable with PDA, but as we spent more time together she let her inhibitions slip and her moves always let me know what mood she was in.
I always know when Anjali is in a giddy mood because as soon as she sees me she loops two of her fingers and her thumb around my belt loops, stands on her tippy toes, and pulls herself toward me and kisses me. Since I’m almost always wearing pants with belt loops, whether my suits during the week or jeans on the weekend, it’s easy for her to do. I know she usually wants to go out or is in a teasing mood when she greets me that way.
On the other hand when she’s in a more serious mood, she places her left hand around my neck and her right hand over my heart. She would always tell me, “I like putting my hand on your heart and hearing it beat. It makes me feel like I’m connected to you.”
When you’re together with someone for so long and you’re so connected to them, you can communicate so much without ever speaking a word. The pulling of my belt loops, the hand on my heart were the small things that Anjali meant when she talked about the small things in a relationship being important. These were some of her signature gestures that I had so grown accustomed to and look forward to.
Except it had been a long time since I’d come home at a decent hour to greet Anjali. There hadn’t been an opportunity in months for her to pull me in to kiss me or to put her hand on my heart.
I placed my hand on my heart and I realized how much I missed Anjali and what I wouldn’t do to have her hand on my heart right now telling me how we are connected. It’s not like our marriage is perfect or we’ve never fought – we fight just like any other couple, but there have only been only a few times when my heart has ached – ached because the trouble we were in was serious and I didn’t know if our relationship could hold up against the obstacle. Unfortunately, that ache was back and I was so worried.
The ache made me remember the first time that I felt this way.
After Anjali had come to my place on her own accord and spent the night we had many more mornings together. After that most weekends Anjali stayed at my place or I was at her place. We developed a comfortable pattern with each other. I gave her keys to my apartment shortly thereafter. I hadn’t done that with anyone in a long time. But, I liked it when she would come over to my place and surprise me. Sometimes she would cook an elaborate meal and I’d come home from work to Anjali cooking away a storm and the aroma filling the entire apartment and hallway. Other times I would discover notes or little surprises all over my apartment that she had placed while I was out of town.
One evening after I reached my apartment after a long trip, I felt this feeling of dread overwhelm me. I didn’t want to spend the night alone. I took in a deep breath dropped my bags done in the entry way. I looked around and everything looked so sterile, untouched, and so quiet. I was about to head to my bedroom when I noticed my living room lamp was on. I’m usually good about turning everything off, so I was surprised to see that I had left a light on before leaving. I walked over to the lamp near the couch to turn it off. When I got nearer to the lamp I noticed Anjali curled on my couch asleep. It was the best surprise I’d had so far. I sat on the floor and I watched her sleep for at least a good half hour. I couldn’t stop staring at her. Watching her sleep gave me a certain peace and the loneliness disappeared.
Six months had gone by from the time of our first official date. With each passing month, we began to spend more time with each other and I began to resent the hectic travel schedule I kept. I was being sent to China to look at a few manufacturing facilities and I was going to be gone again for two weeks. It was going to be our six month anniversary and I wanted to do something special, but I was going to be out of town for it.
A week into my trip, and I was starting to get impatient with the long work days and the evening wining and dining. I finally had one day where I didn’t have to meet anyone for dinner and I was looking forward to going back to my hotel room. I needed the solitude. I took off my tie and looked into my bag to change into a t-shirt and sweats. It was going to be a room service night. As I reached into my bag and pulled out a t-shirt an envelope fell out of the t-shirt. The envelope had my name addressed on it and I immediately recognized Anjali’s handwriting. She would sometimes put small notes or post-its in my bag but never had she written a letter. I slowly smiled wondering if this time she had written me a love letter. As quaint as it sounded, I liked the idea and couldn’t stop myself from grinning. I called for room service, changed, and then sat on the bed to read the letter.
Dear Alex,
Every time I want to talk to you the words don’t come out so I’m writing this letter. I would have preferred to share this with you in person but somehow I couldn’t.
The past few months have been amazing and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect courtship. The moment I look most forward to everyday is when you call me just to say hi and ask me how my day is going. It’s the little things like this that I love most and there have been so many. Maybe that’s why this is so hard for me to tell you in person.
If there is one thing I’ve learned from all of my failed relationships is that you can’t change a person. You have to accept a person as they are as well as accept your own limitations. I know your career is your first love and companionship is something you like having but marriage is not necessarily something you want or are even looking for. And I’m a traditional girl who wants to fall in love, get married, have kids, a home – I want the whole sappy story. I thought I could be a modern girl for you and enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasted and live in the moment. And, once it was over you would go your way and I would go mine.
But, every time you do those small things like remember my favorite flowers, chill a bottle of Chardonnay for me before I come over, surprise me at my office with lunch, I fall a little more for you and I wonder what it would be like to have you in my life permanently. I’m falling in love with you. But you’re a modern boy who doesn’t want attachments and I’m a traditional girl who believes in soul mates. Alex I can’t continue to see you. I accept who you are, but I also know what my needs are and it’s not fair for either of us to expect the other to change.
Sometime in the future when you think of me I want you to remember our time together as beautiful and sweet. I want to end this where we both respect each other and only wish the best for each other. If I continue in this relationship, I’ll want more and then perhaps I’ll turn into a nag, you’ll start avoiding me, and eventually the relationship will burst into flames and we’ll both walk away hurt and resentful.
As it is, it will take me a long time to get over you. The longer I’m with you the harder it will be for me to get over you. I hope you know that this has nothing to do with anything you’ve done or said – you couldn’t have been more of a gentleman. This is about me and protecting my heart.
I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me for doing this in such a cowardly manner. I’m not proud of this, but I just couldn’t do this in person.
Anjali
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See the Hindi video on the side “Kaisi Yah Judai Hai” from the movie I Love New Year. See the translations below – I really felt this song captured the separation of Alex and Anjali. I hope you enjoy it. The song is absolutely beautiful and son by Falak Shabir
Kaisi ye judai hai, aankh bhar meri aayi hai
Mera dil doob raha, ise bas ab doobne do
Ye pehli bar hua, ye kyun ehsaas hua
Mera dil toot raha, ise bas ab tootne do
What kind of separation is this, my eyes are filled with tears
My heart is sinking, just let it sink now
Why did I feel that It is happening for the first time,
My heart is breaking, just let it break now
Mujhe bas ab rone do, is gam ko behne do
Ye sath jo toot raha, ise aaj chhootne do
Kaisi ye judai hai, aankh bhar meri aayi hai
Mera dil doob raha ise bas ab doobne do
Let me just cry now, let this sorrow flow
This relationship, which is (on the verge) breaking, let it break today
What kind of separation is this, my eyes have build up tears
My heart is sinking, just let it sink now
Ek bat satati hai, jab teri yaad aati hai
Kyu mujhse rooth gaya, jaane kyun door gaya
Ye pehli bar hua, ye kyun ehsaas hua
Jaane anjaane kyu, mujhe tumse pyar hua
Hanste hanste rota hu, rote rote hansta hun
Phir khud se kehta hun, jo hona tha ho hi gaya
One question haunts me, when I remember you
Why did you get mad with me, don't know why you went away from me
Why did I feel that this is happening for the first time
Knowingly or unknowingly, why did I fall in love with you
I cry while laughing, and laugh while crying
Then I say to myself that Whatever was supposed to happen, has happened