I stare at the water in a stream in front of me. It sparkles in the noon sunlight. The rocks beneath the surface are polished and smooth. Some sunken leaves and pine needles sit between the rocks and I can also see some mud.
I'm in a large grassy field. The grass comes right up to the water and sits beneath it in some places.
I recognize this place as one Briine and I used to go in the couple years before we joined the military.
Sure enough, I turn to see him sitting next to me. He's gazing at the blue and white sky.
I don't know how long we sit in silence before he finally speaks.
"Why did you do it?"
What is he asking? "What did I do?"
"Why did you kill him?" He moves his gaze to grasp mine. In one blink, his eyes change colors.
"Who did I kill?"
I can't hear his response because there's a roar behind me. His expression stays the same, as if he didn't hear it at all, but I turn around and see a huge titan.
Normally fear would do something to me right now, but I stay in the same place.
"You killed him." Briine's words come from behind me.
I stare up at the titan that looks familiar. "Who is that?" I point to the titan. It's just standing there.
"You don't recognize him?"
I stand up to see him better. Suddenly, he shrinks and becomes a normal person. More than a normal person. Dren.
He was a titan and now he's a human.
"You killed him."
He reaches for my face and I let him. It's Dren. He pulls me closer to him and brings me into an embrace.
I hug him back. He's warm and safe.
Pain explodes in my shoulder and I pull away.
I see a gaping wound in my shoulder. The bone is showing. Dren has blood dripping from his mouth.
Dren isn't a titan shifter. He's a human shifter.
"You killed him."
The world goes dark and I'm running underwater.
I can't breathe, I can barely move, and Dren is chasing me.
He wants to eat me.
I killed him.
Two true facts in a world that can't be true.
Dren is dead.
I didn't kill him.
My chest seizes and I choke. Dren was eaten.
I realize this is a dream.
Why is there pain in my dream?
Why can't I see?
Dren is gone. He's not chasing me anymore. I'm not underwater. I'm sitting down in a chair next to a table.
The table has a knife on it.
The knife has blood on it.
"You killed him." Briine speaks from behind me.
"I didn't," I insist.
"Yes you did. Go look in the next room. You killed him."
"I didn't kill Dren."
"Go look."
I stand and walk to the doorway. I look through and see a bloody body.
This time, it's just a whisper. "You killed him."
Now I see the face.
It's not Dren.
Briine stares at me with glass eyes. He's dead.
The voice is barely audible now. "You killed me."
***
I sit up as fast as I can.
My head smacks against the bunk above me. Stars explode in front of me for a few seconds and I feel dizzy. Then the pain in my head comes. I wince and rub it.
Then I check my shoulder.
Dren is dead, not a titan. Briine is alive, not murdered by-
I don't want to think about that. I have goosebumps all over my arms and legs.
The room is dark. I can hear Mikasa's quiet breaths. I didn't wake her up.
I don't remember coming here. What do I remember? I was caught by a titan, then Captain Levi saved me, then I was on the ground.
Now I'm here.
I shake off the confusion and get up. I feel like I've been wearing these clothes forever. I quietly change into a night dress. It feels amazing to take my uniform off. Even though it's meant to be flexible enough to move aroumd in, it's still restricting after... how many days?
I crawl back in bed, but I'm afraid to go back to sleep. That and my head is pounding.
All I can think of is my dream. Dren was a titan that turned into a human and tried to eat me. I killed Briine.
I don't get any sleep. Maybe it's because I slept so much. If that's the case, why do I feel tired now?
Mikasa gets up and I do too. I can't stop my questions from coming.
"What happened?"
"We killed the titans and couldn't find you or someone from Hanji's squad. Then we found you and you were knocked out pretty good. We took you back and now we're here."
"Did anyone die?"
"Two casualties in two days."
"Oh." I remember. I knew there were two. I watched them both die. I'm glad there weren't more. I wish there were less.
We go to breakfast with Jean, Eren, and Armin. The Commander gives a small speech. Then we eat. Maybe it's just me, but I think the room is a little quieter. Everyone knew the two that died and now they're sad. It's too tragic.
Apparently everyone is still practicing hand-to-hand combat. Those of us that went on the expedition don't have to do that today, though. We get to rest and grieve.
I know I won't be able to get back to sleep, but I honestly don't know what to do. I stay in the dining hall until everyone has left.
"Guiin."
I turn around at the soumd of my name. It's the Commander. I stand up quickly and salute.
"You're still in here."
I don't know what to say to that. "Yes. I am, sir."
"Why?" Is he just making conversation or does he really want to know? I keep the salute.
"I don't know. I didn't know what else to do."
He nods. "May I talk to you?"
"Yes." I nod too. He comes closer and sits in the chair next to me. I sit down too, wondering why he wants to talk to me. I wait nervously for him to speak.
"Are you afraid of titans?"
Nearly everyone is. He already knows my answer. "Yes."
"Can you kill one on your own?"
He also knows this answer. "Yes."
"So why are you afraid of them?"
I've never thought about that. Why should I question a fear everyone understands? "Um... because they've killed so many people and they can kill me."
"But you can kill them too."
"Yes. I can. But only if I have functioning maneuver gear and blades. And even if I do have those, if there are a lot of them, I could be overwhelmed."
"Levi tells me one of the Scouts sent up a signal that he needed help. When Levi arrived, you were already fighting many of them alone. If you were afraid, why did you still fight?"
"Sometimes, your fear gets in the way of doing what's right," I answer. "I swore my loyalty to humanity. Attempting to kill those titans was my duty. I had to."
He nods thoughtfully and for some reason, I hope I got the answer right. After another few moments of silence, he speaks again. "Why did you join the military?"
I often ask myself the same question, but it's an easy one to answer. "I want to protect and defend humanity and help us win our rightful freedom back."
"Have you ever faced any opposition?"
"Yes." I've been made fun of and criticized about my size.
"Your height?" he asks. I nod. "Have you ever thought about giving up?"
"Yes. But my friend Briine Atkins encouraged me." I glance away, thinking about how he shook me in the middle of the night and told me not to care about what others thought. It's what I thought and what he thought. He believed I could graduate. He believed I could make a difference in the world. It's because of him I stayed. How did he suddenly become so selfish? He was just like me until then.
"It's good to have friends."
This comment opens a hole in my heart. I don't have any friends right now. But all I say is, "Yes, it is."
"How long have you been in the Scouting Legion?"
"Um... about two months."
Two months in seventeen chapters. Go me. :)
"How many expeditions have you been on?"
"Two."
"How many titans have you personally killed?"
"I don't know." I avoid his commanding gaze. It must be the eyebrows.
"One? Ten? Twenty?"
"Over ten?" I say uncertainly.
"That's very good, you know."
"Yes."
"I have one more question."
This is going to be hardest question. "Yes?"
"What is your favorite color?"
It catches me off guard and the Commander smiles at my expression. I forget for a second. "Green. Like the trees. Or the cloak."
"Interesting. I like blue. Like the sky." He stands and walks out. I stare after him and wonder why he came to ask me all these questions.
Nice long chapter. :D It was fun to write. Was it fun to read? Why did Erwin ask all those questions? What did that weird dream mean? Thanks for reading!