Shorter Than Me

11 Ecyn

I don't remember much of when we returned. All I could concentrate on was trying not to cry. I think someone took me to the room Ackerman and I shared because I remember being in there. The reason I left was because of one thought. How many more of my friends are dead?

I left to look for them. They were in the dining hall.

Some of them.

Briine was there. I almost collapsed from relief. Qui and Fellip also survived.

That's it.

That's all. Felcides, Kren, Walsh, Dren, and Lenden died.

Their faces showed their grief like mine. They lost five friends that they had trained with for two years. So did I. But I also lost the boy I had my first kiss with. I lost the friend I thought I loved. The friend I did love. I lost my first love only a week after we started.

I lie awake, replaying every moment of that night. Captain Levi and Hanji. Titans. Fear. Peace. Dren made me feel comforted only forty feet away from a hundred titans. When we left to attack them, he said something. I was too distracted by my fear to register the words but I try to remember them now.

He jumped. I followed. He spoke.

"I love you."

That's what he said. He told me he loved me. He told me he loved me and I didn't even have a chance to say it back.

When was the last time we kissed? The night before, in training. When was the last time we hugged? Right before we jumped to his death and my regret. When was the last time we talked? When he was reassuring me that I would survive.

Did he think he wouldn't survive? Is that why he told me he loved me?

"Guiin," Ackerman whispers across the room. "Be quiet."

I realize I'm sobbing. Why is she telling me to be quiet? I have a right to cry until my body is as dry as sand. "I just lost one of my best friends!"

"I know. I felt that way too when I thought Eren was dead."

"But he wasn't dead. You found that out in a few hours. It's been almost a day. Even if he was a titan shifter for some reason, he'd be trapped outside the Wall. He's dead." My voice breaks.

"The world is a cruel place," she states simply. "Cry yourself to sleep or whatever. Just let me sleep. I'm tired too."

***

"Today, we commemorate those Scouts who gave their lives on this past expedition. They bravely joined the Scouting Legion knowing they might die. They bravely went on the expedition knowing the same. They bravely gave their lives for their friends, their families, and their people. They sacrificed themselves for what they loved. They will be remembered as the greatest heroes humanity had to offer. We thank them for their sacrifice and we will keep them alive in our hearts.

"I would also like to recognize those of you who have returned. It's almost an unwritten rule that you aren't a real Scout until you've returned from an expedition alive. Congratulations." Commander Erwin smiles. "Before we celebrate, however, I will read the names of those who gave their lives for humanity." He pulls out a folded sheet of paper. He holds it in front of himself and starts reading the names in order of rank. I feel a pang in my heart when he says, "Cadet Dren Reardon." When he's done, he says, "Ninety-six scouts went on the expedition beyond Wall Rose. Twenty-seven died. Sixty-nine returned alive. Let's not weep over the fallen, but rejoice over those who survived." He smiles again and nearly everyone cheers.

Food is brought out. Alcohol is too, but I don't drink any.

Someone starts playing a stringed instrument and Hanji stands on a table to sing. She's completely tone-deaf. She makes up the words as she goes, and she's slightly drunk so I don't understand everything. It sounds like she's saying, "Titans! Killing people everywhere! Titans! They sometimes don't have any hair. Titans! Trying to destroy humanity! Titans! I want one so desperately! Tita-" A couple Scouts drag her off the table to silence her. I find myself laughing at her flailing arms and angry protests.

I just realized... the Scouting Legion is Dauntless... YES! (I now give you permission to use my idea to write a fanfiction crossing Divergent and Attack on Titan. I'd write it but I'm already doing a Hunger GamesxAttack on Titan fanfic. ;))

Someone else starts singing. This person is less drunk, has a better voice, is a better rhymer, and is not tone-deaf. She's also not obsessed with titans.

"It's sad and happy." Briine is sitting next to me.

I nod in agreement.

"It looks just sad for him." Briine points to the side. I glance to where Captain Levi is seated all alone. He's observing everything with a bored look in his eyes. He's holding a bottle of alcohol in his hand. I wonder what he would act like drunk.

Looking at him makes me remember his jacket. I had it washed with all of my clothes. I hope I can tell the difference between mine and his.

***

I stand nervously in front of the Captain's door. I take a deep breath and knock twice. I wait for a few seconds before the door opens. The captain stands in front of me. This is the first time I've seen him without the uniform. All he's wearing is a white shirt, the white pants, and boots.

"What?" he demands.

"Sir, I washed your jacket with my clothes by accident and I can't tell them apart."

He looks at me with an annoyed expression. "You can come back from an expedition beyond Wall Rose but you can't tell our jackets apart?"

"Sorry, sir."

He sighs and holds his hand out for the four jackets in my arms. I hand them to him and he holds one up. He inspects it on all sides. "This one is yours." He folds it quickly and hands it to me. He inspects the next one. "Yours." He folds this one and hands it to me. Then he looks at the next one. "This is mine." He folds the remaining one and gives it to me. Then he turns to walk back inside, leaving the door open. I assume he's getting my jacket. I can't help straining my neck to try to see his desk because of the story Hanji told. He returns. It's folded perfectly, like the rest of the ones I'm holding.

"Thank you, sir."

He closes the door in my face.

(The picture is something I found on the internet and the words were put on using the app Pixlr. They were written by me.)