Shorter Than Me

5 Levi

The rest of my visit goes well. Genta lets Petr come with me on the maneuver gear one more time. She lets me spend almost all my time with Petr, and I think he's fallen absolutely in love with me.

But I don't know why.

I don't know how to be a father- I can't be a father for him. I have a job. I am, quite literally, humanity's strongest soldier. I have to kill as many titans as possible. I have to fight for the promotion of the human race. I have to dedicate my life to fighting. It's the only way.

I don't know if this little excursion has stressed me out, calmed me down, or just kept me the same.

I had the stress of training someone and trying to decide on one person for my squad. I also had the weight of Petra's death on me. Now I don't know who is more of my priority: Petr or the Scouting Legion. I'm struggling with the fact that the shortie actiually might be the one for my squad. She's skilled and I can tell she'll be a great soldier. And I still have Petra's death weighing me down. I don't think it will ever go away, nor do I want it to. I want to remember her forever.

I was on top of the Female Titan's head. I was talking to her. Was that the reason she was able to escape? Was it because of what I said? Did that motivate her to call every titan to come eat her? Was it my fault my squad was murdered? Should I have disobeyed the Commander and gone after them? Was it his fault?

Petr has lost interest in the blocks and pulls on my leg, likewise pulling me out of my thoughts. He knows this is the last day I'll be with him.

"Can we fly?" He asks, giving me those innocent, wide eyes.

"No."

By now, he knows that when I say "no" I mean no.

He tugs on my leg again. I glance down at him.

"Can we do something?"

I sigh, not visibly so he can see, but almost internally. I know I have no reason to be annoyed by him. He's completely clueless as to what gets on others' nerves. Still, his persistence is irritating somewhat.

"What about a game?" He pleads with his eyes.

I try to remember what kinds of games little kids played.

"I'm going to count and you're going to hide. I'll come try to find you."

He smiles and bounces a little. I close my eyes and start counting. "One. Two. Three. Four. Five." I get to ten and start looking for him. I find him in a closet. "Hmm. I guess he's not in here." He squirms a little. "There must be some mice in here." I close the door almost all the way. I start to walk away.

"No!" He pushes the door open and tumbles out. "You didn't see me! I hid and you didn't see me." He giggles hysterically.

I almost roll my eyes. Then I remember something. "Oh no. Did you forget something?"

"What?" He tilts his head.

"Did you finish playing with the blocks?"

"Yes."

"What should you do with them then?"

"Put them away." His shoulders slump.

"It will only take a minute. Let's go do that."

"Alright." He walks back to the room. I follow him. He starts throwing them haphazardly in a box. The lid doesn't fit on the top, so he just sets it down on top.

"Petr! Can you come here!" Genta calls. Petr jumps up and runs out as fast as he can, eager to find out why Genta wants him.

I dump the blocks out of the box and stack them neatly inside. Some of them have chips out of the edges or corners and others are misshapen. These ones bother me slightly, but I push the feeling away. It doesn't matter. I fit the lid neatly on top and stand again.

***

"Petr, when you wake up tomorrow, I'm going to be gone," I tell him.

"You're not staying?" His eyes look sad poking out of the blanket.

"I'll come see you again," I assure him.

"Bye." He reaches his arms out to me for a hug. I put my arms around his tiny frame and he clings to me until I pry him away. I give him a kiss, they're still awkward, and leave the room.

Genta is waiting with our cups of tea. "So do you know who you want to be in your squad?" she asks.

"No." I still haven't decided on anyone. There are three I'm debating over. Then there's the shortie that won't leave my mental list no matter what.

"Alright. You should sleep. You have to get up early tomorrow."

I go to my room. She doesn't know I actually don't sleep very much. I always went to bed after her and I got up before she did.

I lay in my bed until my mind finally grants darkness entrance to it.

***

I rise long before the sun does and get dressed in my uniform. It feels comfortingly familiar. So does the maneuver gear. And my horse. Soon, I'm racing through the trees in the near-dark, finally going home where I know I belong.