Shorter Than Me

13 Ecyn

Each day is filled with almost nonstop practice with barely any breaks for meals. We eat breakfast in the air. We pause for lunch. Dinner ends the day, and then I go to my room because I'm exhausted. I'm asleep when Mikasa comes in, and she's the one that wakes me up every morning. She doesn't do it intentionally. Her moving around and getting dressed arouses me. I get used to the routine after five days. Thankfully, none of us have had to feel Captain Levi's wrath yet. It scares me because I absolutely believe he could and would kill me if he wanted. I know that's his objective in threatening everyone. What I don't know is why he's so much different than normal people. He's negative while everyone else would be positive. It's like he's already depressed and it would take a whole lot to get him even to the level of normal. I don't know how it would be possible to get him to smile. I wonder if he can smile. I wonder if his thoughts are as hard as his exterior.

Why do I want to know so much about him? He's not that interesting. He's mean and rude. But he's also extremely skilled and smart and strong. But that doesn't give him the right to be mean to everyone. He isn't what you'd expect a hero to be.

Dren still haunts my sleep. His last words to me whisper in my ears if I'm quiet enough. I can almost believe he's talking to me from whatever world lies beyond. But the hurt feeling I get when I remember I didn't have a chance to tell him I loved him back makes me feel like he's out of reach until I die too. I don't know if he knew I loved him. Was it clear? Could he tell? Was I obvious enough? Or did he die not knowing whether or not I loved him back?

Thinking about him just drags me into depression, but I remember him so much. I see the trees, or my horse, or the fake titans, or my cloak and I think of him.

I wake up after a long nightmare of him being chased by a titan in civillian clothes. I was on my 3DMG and I tried to save him, but I couldn't catch up. I tried desperately to get to the titan, but it ate him before I could. Then, since no one was there to stop it, the titan ate my sobbing body. I wake up feeling my heart pounding in my chest. The moon shines slightly through the window.

My racing heart tells me I won't be able to sleep for a while, so I get up. I try not to make any noise while putting on my shoes and a dark coat. I make it to the door without any sound, but it creaks as I try to open it slowly and quietly.

"Where are you going?" Mikasa mumbles.

"Bathroom," I lie. She doesn't respond, so I continue out the door. I walk quietly down the hall and out the door into the cold air. I pull my jacket tighter around me.

I'm debating a confrontation with Levi. It seems too cliché. Or is it spelled clichè? I don't know. Tell me if you do. ;)

I hear crickets all around me. The wind brushes the trees in the distance and I feel so peaceful. Everything is so different in the dark. The forest is a looming black shadow that looks formidable. The buildings behind me are also dark save a few lanterns illuminating small spheres of space. The moon is a between a sliver and a half moon. The stars are scattered seemingly randomly about the pitch black sky. I find a few of the constellations I remember from school. I sit under a tree a few yards away from where the forest starts. I lean against it and stare up at the night sky. It seems so far away. It may be millions of miles away. Or maybe it's only a hundred miles away. Or one mile away.

My eyes grow heavy and they drift closed without my noticing.

Yayyy. That was all short and sweet and kind of a different chapter. I kind of just wrote what came to mind. No Levi confrontation. Oh no! (Just wait until the next part.) Wow. It's Chapter 13 already. Guess who's going to be unlucky...