Los Angeles,
•06/12 {Friday, 3:50 A.M}
~*~ Dorian ~*~
"You're nothing ! You don't deserve to live ! Die ! You're a monster ! You're ungrateful ! You-"
"SHUT UP ! " I screamed not wanting to hear more. Last time, I let him talk and it didn't end too well. This time, I wanted it to be different. I wanted to go in Heaven. I didn't belong to Hell, but each time the devil was getting me. This time I wasn't letting this happen.
The voice laughed devilishly, sending chills down my spine. It was cold and dark around me, except for that very little light that was showing me to them, the demons. I was scared, so afraid of them that I couldn't move and so run away from here. At this point, I wasn't even sure if I still had a heart in my chest and it was so difficult for me to breath as I wanted to.
I was so cold. It felt like we were in Winter. I wanted to ask them to give me some clothes, but my mouth didn't want to open and let the words get out. I was only in my boxers. I felt humiliated. I was so embarrassed to be like this before them.
They should have sensed that since they started laughing uncontrollably. I looked around trying to spot a face, but I was only seeing darkness. Except for that light, that seemed to be smaller now. I couldn't let it go once again without entering in.
"P...P...Pl-ple-ple-please." I managed to say, only to receive a slap across my face.
There was a dead silence until I heard this atrocious baritone voice again, "You're nothing ! Just a piece of shit ! You deserve to DIE ! DIE ! "
I wanted to cry so badly, but I had to stay strong. I couldn't let them see me this weak. It will only give them another opportunity to make fun of me.
I needed to find a way out.
"You're a piece of shit ! Die ! Die ! Die ! And never come back ! Nobody loves you ! NOBODY ! You're a shame ! SHAME ! "
It stopped talking and I saw a chance to try to speak again, "P...Pl-ple-ple-please." I begged attempting to figure something out through that darkness, but it was so hard. And the little light seemed so far from me. I tried to catch it, but my arm wasn't long enough.
"You're NOTHING ! A SHAME ! DIE ! "
"S-st-stop." I covered my ears with my hands, only for them to be taken away from me. After that, I lost my legs, then my arms, chest and stomach, to finish with my mouth. Where did it go ? I needed them all. I immediately began to panic. And more when the light finally abandoned me.
Now, I was in a complete darkness. I could hear my breath getting heavier and my heartbeat speeding up like if I was running a big marathon. It was too stressful. At any time, I could give up and let the death take me. I couldn't let that happen if the light wasn't there anymore or else I would let them take me with them again. And I didn't want to go with them. They were horrible with me. They loved to torture me, physically and emotionally. They were destroying me.
And suddenly, a bright light appeared, blinding me until I came face to face with him. I shook my head and tried to run, but then I remembered they took my legs away. I didn't want to be there anymore. I didn't want to face my worst nightmare.
"YOU KILLED ME ! "
"NO ! NO ! NO ! NO ! " I yelled as tears were flowing on both of my cheeks and sat up. I hugged myself instantly and balanced my body back and forth, while I let my breath slow down. I was sweating, trembling and scared for life.
Five minutes later, RJ stormed in with Lani behind him. He had a knife in his hand, that made me scream thinking someone was there to kill me. It took me two minutes to realize it was him, "Are you alright, Do ? "
"Can you not walk in this room with a knife, please ? I almost shit on myself." I said wiping my face.
"Are you crying ? " Lani asked sitting on the edge of the bed, "What happened ? " She checked on me like she was my mother.
I slightly pushed her off me, "I'm...good." I swallowed hard and took a deep breath.
"Are you...sure ? Why were you screaming no, no, no like that ? Was it another nightmare ? "
I sighed getting frustrated with the whole situation. Back in prison, I was having nightmares too, but they weren't as frightening as the ones I was having right now. When I got out, it kind of stopped, but last Friday, that's when everything started again. Since then, I had planned a schedule to sleep in the afternoon because I was never having nightmares during the day, only the night. So, I was taking a nap at two p.m every day and for five hours, then I managed to not get tired during the night. But doing this for one week was too much and I fell asleep while reading one of Laylani's books last night.
"Did you...talk about it with your therapist ? It can help. I'm sure she will know what to do to make you feel better and to stop them too."
"Lani, it's not that simple." I said shaking my head and looking into space.
"That's you who is making it more complicated than it should be, Do."
I narrowed my eyes at him getting irritated, "Shut the fuck up, please. You don't know what you're talking about ! " I began to raise my voice, "Can y'all get out now ? "
They shared a glare and slowly left staring at me like I was an animal in a zoo. They couldn't understand it. Nobody could. And they couldn't help me. Not even the therapist. I felt like it was already too late for me. These demons inside me were eating me alive and nothing could stop them. They were winning and that for awhile now. They had the upper hand and I was sure it was impossible to change that.
I bit on my bottom lip thinking about Dr.Khimona and the way I acted towards her yesterday morning. I felt bad for that, actually. The lack of sleep and all that mix of strong emotions were getting the worst of me. She didn't deserve me to raise my voice at her like that. She was just trying to help me.
I sighed and grabbed her card on the nightstand. I wanted to call her right now, but I knew I couldn't do it since it was too early, so I put the card down. I made a mental note though before to get out of the bed and headed to the bathroom. I undressed and hoped in the shower. Soon, the warm water was flowing on my body and I let it relax my tensed muscles.
I put my back against the wall and slid until I was sitting on my butt, still with the water washing me. I put my head in my hands and allowed my eyes to let some more tears get out.
I wasn't feeling good and at all. I knew that. But I couldn't see myself going to someone to get some help. It's not like I didn't want to, but I knew it was unnecessary. I was already way too gone. And I felt like it was the best to just...let myself getting destroyed, because at end...I will only feel better.
Destruction is the one and only beginning...for some constructions.
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I was in the kitchen cooking some pasta, when my iPhone 6 started ringing. I got the phone on Monday, with the money my mother gave me and I also did some clothes shopping. I pressed on the screen and put the phone to my left ear.
"Hello ? "
"Good afternoon, it's Mr.James, the manager from Pizza Hut. Am I talking to Mr.Willkingston ? "
I put the pasta in the water, "Yes. Can I...help you ? "
"Yes, actually. You're the person we chose to work with us ! Are you still interested into the job ? " He asked making me raise my eyebrows. I was surprised to hear this. I had my interview with them one day after I filled the application and it didn't seem like they were going to hire me.
"Uh, yes. When can I start ? "
"Tomorrow. I need you to come at six-thirty in the morning, so I can explain everything to you and then you'll officially start. And I have a question for you."
"Yes ? "
"Do you still have your driving license ? It's for the delivery. We realized it isn't asked in the application."
I frowned a little, "Yes...I still have it."
"That's great ! Well, welcome in our team Mr.Willkingston and I see you tomorrow."
"Thanks for hiring me, Mr.James. I see you tomorrow." And we hung up. I smiled and continued to make my lunch.
Ten minutes later, I was eating my shrimp pasta and drinking some kool-aid, while watching some episodes of Sponge Bob. It felt good to just chill. But it didn't last for too long as RJ walked in observing all my moves. He sat on the couch and stared at me, with his hands joined and that straight face expression of his. He had something on his mind.
"What ? Say it. What do you want ? " I questioned still enjoying my food. Every bite was Paradise. After that prison food, that's what I needed the most. Real Food !
"I want to talk about this morning."
I puffed and turned the TV off, "I got a job. At Pizza Hut. And I'm not too excited to wear their ugly uniforms."
He dryly chuckled shaking his head and licking his lips, "Really ? Okay, just change the subject of conversation. You better talk about this with your therapist though. It's not sane t-"
"RJ, I don't need that. Leave me alone. I'm dealing with a lot right now, I don't need yo-"
"Okay ! " He raised his hands up in surrender, "Sorry...to be concerned. Sorry for trying to be a good cousin. Sorry."
"It's not against you. I just..." I shrugged, "...I don't know. It's not easy, that's what I'm sure at hundred percent."
"I'm here whenever you need me. Don't forget that. We're brothers, right ? " He stood up and held his hand out for me to dap him.
I nodded my head and we did our special handshake, "I know." But I will never bother him with my problems. Too deep and complicated to put them on somebody's else shoulders. He had a good life, he had found the love of his life, he achieved his goals and was on the way to do more, he was satisfied with his life and I couldn't jeopardize all of this. He deserved to be happy.
"I'm going to practice. I won't be back here before night time. Lani is still sleeping."
I frowned, "Practice ? Are you not supposed to be off season now ? "
"I'm off, but coach is doing some last practice sessions to know where we are at in our physical condition, so he'll know exactly where to begin with when we'll be starting again. This is the last one today, then I'll officially be in summertime. Yes ! " He did a little dance before to grab his duffle bag at the door and to leave, "Peace ! "
"Peace ! " I said even if he was already out.
I finished my plate and washed the dishes. Once I was done, I went back in the guest room -where I was staying- and decided it was time for me to apologize to Dr.Khimona. I didn't know what I was going to say, but I was willing to try something.
I copied the number, checked that I typed it well and then pressed the call button on the screen. I put it to my ear and waited. It rang six times and when I was about to hang up, I suddenly heard her voice.
"This is Dr.Khimona, may I help you ? "
I didn't know why, but my throat was dry and my brain seemed to have stopped thinking for a moment. I shook my head and cleared my throat immediately. I bet she thought I was a crazy man, "Uh...It's...Mr.Willkingston."
"Oh..." She simply exclaimed, "What do you want ? " She asked kind of rudely.
"Uh..." I scratched the back of my head with my right hand, "...I want to...to apologize for...for the way I acted yesterday. It was inappropriate and you didn't deserve to be disrespected like that. I'm truly sorry for having raised my voice for no reason. I hope...you'll find in your heart...uh...a part of forgiveness for me. And if you don't, I would completely understand."
"Well..."
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