Chapter 40
Harry's POV
I stare at her as I stay sat broken on the cold hard floor and I replay her words over and over again in my head. I don't speak and neither does she. We just stare at each other and she waits for me to acknowledge what she's just said. I've no clue what to say to her because I still can't even take in what she's saying. There's already been so much going on over the last few days, far too much for one person to take and her being here now is the last thing I need. She's the last person I want or need here causing more trouble and creating more problems. I shouldn't have to deal with this. I should be focused fully on Sienna; she's the one that needs all of my attention.
'Louis knows about us.'
'Louis knows about us.'
'Louis knows about us.'
I repeat her words over and over in my head, but it doesn't matter how many times I repeat them I can't seem to register and accept what she's telling me. She keeps staring at me, trying to force me to speak, but I'm too confused and exhausted to say anything. Where would I even begin?
She sweeps her messy brown hair out of her face and she tucks her hair behind her ears. Her hands inevitably move to rest on her growing baby bump, where my baby is growing. My baby is growing inside her, time going by and nearing her due date. I'm having a baby with her, I've created a life with someone I've known for years. I'm having a baby with my once best friend's wife and the love of my life's best female friend. I'm having a baby with Eleanor, the woman I've known for years. The woman who I watched marry Louis, when I was the best man. It only seems like yesterday all of that happened. I still remember watching them say their vows and wishing them a lifetime of happiness together. I never thought we'd end up here, never in a million years.
I can only seem to start registering what's happened now that she's standing here in front of me. Her ringing and texting me the news didn't seem completely real until now. It makes me think of all the lies I've told, the deceit and betrayal. All those things are all real now that she's here with her pregnant belly.
"Harry" she says firmly "You need to talk to me, I need to know what you're thinking."
I don't know what she's expecting from me or what she even wants me to say to her. Does she expect me to jump up and pat her on the back for ruining my life? Does she want me to hug her and tell her it'll all be okay? It isn't going to be okay, nothing will ever be okay again.
My life is falling apart, crashing down into flames piece by piece and all she's doing is causing more destruction and more pain. It'll only be a small amount of time now before the news starts to break and it starts to spread around the world. What will people think of me then, when they see how far my deceit has spread? Everyone will finally see me for the monster I really am and I'm not ready for that.
I've got to think about Sienna though because I don't want her waking up to all of this. If she's going to be okay she doesn't need any extra hurt or upset. I don't want her to have to deal with this shit, even though I caused it. Why can't everything just be okay? Why do I always manage to fuck things up? I know this time though is beyond anything I've done before, this is the biggest betrayal in Sienna and mines history.
"Harry!" Eleanor snaps, dragging me from my thoughts.
I stare at her, standing there with her hands on her hips and an angry glare on her face. I feel like I'm back at school, being scolded off a school teacher for not listening with the way she's looking at me.
"Did you hear me?" she asks.
Of course I heard her, I heard every fucking word she said and I wish I hadn't. I wish she hadn't spoken at all.
"Yes" I answer weakly.
She nods accepting I've heard her and she turns to look away from me. She stands there breathing loudly, irritating me as her breathing gets heavier. I've always been irritated by the little things she does, like heavy breathing and the chewing noise she makes when she eats. It was okay before though because I wasn't with her, it was Louis' problem not mine. I could live with it back then, but now I can't hear anything else except for her incisive loud breathing. Does she realise how annoying she is?
She keeps looking around the hall, only looking back at me briefly. She's waiting for me to speak, but I don't say a word. I just stare back at her, staying on the floor as my hate for her grows with every passing second. I never realised how selfish and self centred she was until today. My son has just died and there's not a mention of him. Her one-time best friend is undergoing life saving surgery, but she hasn't asked about her. Sienna hasn't even crossed her mind, which shocks me. I don't care what's going on in your own life if your best friend was on the verge of death they'd be the first person you asked about. Even though Louis and I aren't as close anymore he'd still be my first thought if the roles where reversed.
I realise though that she doesn't care about Sienna, not anymore. She doesn't care if Sienna lives or dies. In reality though, what did I expect? How could she ever have really cared about Sienna? You can't care about someone whilst you're fucking the person they love, can you?
I've no idea why I've done everything I've done, but that's what I do. I fuck things up and then regret them afterwards, all when it's too late. I don't know why I ever slept with Eleanor behind Sienna's back. I mean she was there when I was weak, she was there when everything else was falling apart. I know Eleanor isn't the only one to blame, I'm to blame too, but it's always easier to blame someone else other than yourself.
This all started months ago, before Freddy was even born. It started one night when I started to drink, after I left the band. Sienna was furious with me for drinking, but I didn't care. The only thing I cared about that night was the taste of alcohol and that's what's led me here now. That's why I ended up on this path of destruction yet again.
Flashback
I watch helplessly as Sienna gets up from the table and she storms away. She doesn't turn back to look at us or to check if I'm following her. She knows I'm not and I never would follow her. I'm left at the table, waiting for the food we ordered to arrive with just Eleanor remaining at my side.
I know Sienna isn't coming back, she's too stubborn to come back, especially in this situation. I know deep down that it's me in the wrong and all Sienna was doing was trying to stop me from being stupid. She was trying to stop me from making yet another stupid decision, but I never listen. I only ever listen to myself and the only thing I want right now is a drink. I just want one night where I drink and then tomorrow I'll stop. I'll stop drinking tomorrow and it'll be like today never even happened.
Eleanor fills a wine glass with the remaining white wine from the bottle of wine she ordered. She slowly slides the glass over to me so the fruity liquid bubbles before me, tempting me to taste it. I'm hesitant to drink it at first because I know if I drink this glass of wine I won't stop until I can't walk or speak. I'll have one drink after another, until I'm on the verge of passing out. I'm still an addict, no matter how much time goes by that'll never change. I'm still battling my addiction and tonight I know I'm going to lose; I will lose the fight tonight. I'm going to give in and break my vow that I made, declaring I'd never get drunk again. There's a part of me that's still strong and wants to say no to drinking. There's a part of me that wants to get up from this table and go after Sienna, so we can make everything okay. That part of me isn't strong enough though because I don't move. I stay at the table, hands slowly wrapping around the glass and all I can think about is ordering my next drink.
"Drink up" Eleanor encourages me.
I nod as I pick up the glass, lifting it to my mouth and within seconds the fruity drink has washed down my throat and the glass is left empty. My lips are wet from the lingering taste of white wine and I lick my lips enjoying the taste it's left behind. The taste, the feeling only surges me on and pushes me to order my next drink. I don't even just want another drink; I need it now.
A waiter comes over with our food, placing it on the table in front of us and leaving Sienna's plate in the seat where she should be sat. The food smells good, but it isn't what I want now. It isn't as appealing to me as a glass of vodka is.
"Fuck the food!" I say turning to face Eleanor "Do you just wanna get pissed?" I ask her.
She nods happily, looking like she needs a good drink too and she was just looking for an excuse to get really drunk. I don't need any excuse, I just want it. I pull my wallet out of my pocket, pulling out several twenty pound notes and I leave the money on the table to pay our bill. We leave the food untouched and we get up leaving the restaurant and heading to the hotel bar instead.
The bars quiet when we go in, just a few people sat at tables, who're just going about their day. They're not interested in me or who I'm with, which always makes things easier and makes me feel less on edge. We take up residence on two stools, which are sat at the bar and within seconds the bartender is in front of us ready to take our drinks order and to meet our needs.
"Vodka on the rocks" I order.
My mouth starts to water at the thought of the bittersweet liquid filling my mouth and relighting my taste buds, again. It's been too long, far too long.
"I'll have a bottle of white wine, not the cheap stuff" Eleanor advises.
I turn in my seat, so I'm facing her and she turns to look at me with her eyebrow raised. We give each other a knowing smirk as our drinks are placed in front of us. This is when the party can really begin. She fills her wine glass with the contents of the open bottle of wine and then she lifts her glass in the air, facing towards me.
"Let's make a toast" she insists "To old friends, who're doing what they want for a change."
I like the sound of that, so I happily lift my own glass in the air, which faces towards her too.
"To old friends" we say in unison.
We clang our glasses together and then we down our drinks. I drink my vodka within seconds, whereas it takes her slightly longer than me to finish her full glass of wine. She quickly pours herself another glass, filling the glass up to the brink. I order myself another drink, downing that one and following the same pattern as the glasses mount up on the bar in front of me.
I've lost count of how many drinks I've had, too many I imagine, but I don't care. I know I should stop, but the familiar buzz is back and I've missed it too much to let it just go and disappear again.
The drinks flow between us, both of us drinking far more than we should. We both loosen up with the more we drink and we have a laugh together. We forget all our problems, all our issues and we just have a good time.
"I've always had a secret soft spot for you, ya know."
I laugh as I look at her blurry face, expecting her to start laughing too, but she doesn't. She stares back at me seriously, meaning what she's saying is true. It feels quite nice knowing that someone else who actually really knows me likes me. I mean Sienna is obliged to like me, fans don't know me enough to dislike me, so I feel quite pleased that Eleanor does too. I scrunch my eyes together, blocking out her voice and I come to the drunken conclusion that she's quite attractive. I mean if I was on a night out and she tried it on with me I'd definitely take her home and fuck her. I wouldn't call her the next day or look for a repeat performance, but she'd make a decent notch on my bedpost.
"Really?" I question.
She runs her fingers over her plump lips and I feel my boxers tighten slightly as I picture what I could do to her. I'm not the best at reading body language, but I know when a girl wants me and she's giving me all the signs. I'm getting turned on, which isn't unusual because ninety-nine percent of the time I'm thinking about when I can next release my load. It could be interesting, fun to try something new with someone new.
I shake my head, removing images of Eleanor naked from my corrupted mind. What am I even thinking? I could never sleep with Eleanor! There's too much history, too much of a connection and it'd be wrong. It'd be more deceitful than anything I've ever done before and I've done a lot of shit things in my time.
"Yes, I've always wanted to know how big your dick actually is."
Her words make me choke and spit my vodka back into the glass I just drank it from. I cough loudly, trying to calm down as I recover from what she just said. This is forward, really forward and I haven't had anyone like this since........since Daisy. Fuck! I don't want to think about her, so I quickly resume drinking the vodka from my glass. I drink every drop until I block out all thoughts of Daisy, not wanting to think of her when I'm poisoning my body with vodka.
"Well it's huge" I answer with no shame.
I'm not doing anything wrong by telling her the truth. She might be flirting with me, but I'm just giving her the answer, which she wanted. I'm telling her the truth, I've got a big dick and anyone who comes in contact with it will confirm just that.
She leans closer to me, resting one of her hands on the arm of my stool and her other hand slowly slides up my knee and up my leg. She doesn't stop until she reaches her wanted destination and she gropes me through my jeans. I grow harder within seconds and she smirks devilishly, before moving her hand away and sitting back in her own stool. She places her hands on her lap, smiling at me innocently. My eyes bounce around the bar, checking to see if anyone just saw our indecent contact, but everyone in the room is busy with their own conversation and their own lives. They're not paying attention to us, which is a good job.
"You're right...it is big" she comments.
She picks up her half empty glass, slowly placing her lips on the rim and she pours the remaining contents in her mouth. Every action she takes seems to have some element of sexual attraction to it. She doesn't say anything else as she finishes her glass and she fills in up with the remains of her second or third bottle of wine.
I know I should leave now because that's what my heart is telling me to do. It's telling me to get out of here, get back to Sienna because I know where this is heading. I know what's going to happen and so does she, but I can't seem to make myself move from this stool. It's like my arse is glued to it. I don't move, I stay beside her, even though I know exactly where this is going to lead. The more we drink the more sinister and corrupt this will become. This won't stop until I've booked us a room and I'm fucking her on a king size bed.
I feel guilty knowing what's going to happen, but as the alcohol flows through my veins the more the guilt goes away. I can't think about the guilt anymore because I'm not thinking with my head anymore. I'm thinking with my dick and now that's taken over there's nothing else I can do. There's nothing else I can see other than taking this to the next deceitful level.
***
I stumble into my newly booked hotel suite, stumbling inside and falling on the floor as I do. I've drank myself into an oblivion, I've drank myself stupid. My head feels fuzzy, I'm literally seeing two of everything in front of me and I can't seem to stay on my feet. I manage to drag myself back to my feet with the help of Eleanor and she helps me to lay flat on the bed.
I stare up at the ceiling feeling the room spin as I try to sober myself up, but I'm way past being sober. I'm in no fit state to do anything, sex is the last thing I can do. My stomach is twisting and turning, vomit will soon be apparent.
I feel hot breath hovering on my earlobe and then teeth lightly sink in to my ear. The feeling of soft wet lips trail across my face and down to my neck. I can feel everything, every kiss, licks and sucks applied to my neck, but I can't react to it. I'm literally just led here, allowing Eleanor to take advantage of me. Her hands slowly move to my shirt, unbuttoning it and exposing my chest to her. She runs her hands over my toned chest, before kissing her way down my stomach. I want to tell her to stop, I want her to stop kissing me and to just get on with this. I want to just fuck her, so I can sleep. I can't speak though; no words leave my mouth because I'm that fucked. I can't seem to move at all.
Her small hands move to my belt and she carefully unbuckles it. She unbuttons my jeans and then she drags them from my legs. She struggles to remove them because they're so tight and I make no attempt to help her. If she wants to fuck me then she's going to have to do all the work.
SIENNA!
There's a voice in my head screaming, screaming Sienna's name and telling me to stop this. It's telling me to think about the woman I love. It's telling me not to betray her, but I don't listen to it. I can't listen to it when I'm led here naked, hard and ready to release some tension. I'm a man, I'm a weak man. I always have been and I always will be.
I think about pushing her away, telling her I don't want this, but it's too late. She straddles me and lowers herself onto my dick, before I can stop her. It's too late now, I'm inside her, which means the betrayal is already done. She starts to move up and down on me, groaning loudly as she does. Her hair moves messily around her face and I lay here, hands by my side, making no attempt to make this a pleasurable experience for her.
"Condom."
I manage to get the word out, knowing I shouldn't be doing this unprotected. I've made that mistake too many times before. The first thing Paul told us when we joined One Direction was to wrap it up. He told us to always have condoms with us and to always use them. It wasn't just because girls would do anything they can to have your baby, but to protect us from sexually transmitted diseases too. That sort of thing is wrath in the music industry. Paul always said to have your own because some girls are that crazy that they'll prick holes into condoms with needles. I was always safe in the beginning, but there's been times like now where I get so pissed that I forget all about protecting myself. I would usually just finish the job now and forget about the condom, but something inside is telling me to wrap up.
"I've put it on you" she says breathlessly.
I don't feel like I'm wearing one, but Sienna...no Eleanor wouldn't lie to me. I stare at the naked brunette bouncing wildly on top of me. I know it's Eleanor, but for some reason it doesn't feel like it's me and her doing this. It's like two other people, who don't even know each other are having sex. I've known this woman too long, too many years to ruin our friendship by doing this.
She keeps going and I still make no attempt to meet her thrusts, nor do I attempt to help her enjoy herself. I let her do all the work and I lay here enjoying the feeling of her around me as much as I can. She talks dirty to me, but I can't even tell what she's saying.
"Oh god Harry!"
She calls out my name as she throws her head back, reaching her high and I watch her ride through her orgasm. I'm too pissed to release my load, so I just lay there and close my eyes.
"Did you come?" she asks, panting for breath.
I lie nodding my head slightly in answer to her. She climbs off, seeming satisfied with my response and satisfied with our session. She lays down at the side of me, draping her arm over my stomach and the sound of her heavy breathing makes me open my eyes. I reach to touch my dick, finding no condom there and I realise she lied to me. What the fuck have I just done?
End of Flashback
I try to push away the memories of the first night I spent with Eleanor. It took me days to remember everything properly. I think I just tried to block that entire night out because it was easier to be with Sienna then. I didn't feel as guilty if I pretended I didn't remember anything.
I went back to my own hotel suite that night, where Sienna was sleeping and I proposed. I told her I wanted to marry her. I didn't mean it at the time I was drunk and guilt ridden, I didn't even remember it the day afterwards. If Sienna has known what I'd done she'd have ended things right there and then.
"How did he find out?" I ask.
I need to know how far the news of me and Eleanor has spread. Has Louis told anyone else? Will the news get back to Sienna? Does the press know? I've got so many questions to ask, questions that I shouldn't ask because Sienna should be my priority now, but I'm still selfish Harry. I still have to put myself first, like I always do.
I bet Louis is furious, I would be if I was him. Does he know everything? Does he know that the first time it happened I was that drunk I could hardly remember anything? Does he know there was only one other time after that? Does he know that I hated myself and felt dirty afterwards? Does he know I tried to pretend it never happened, but she wouldn't let it go? She kept calling me, she wouldn't let it go and I almost felt forced into it. Does he know she became obsessed with me and she still won't leave me alone?
"He found our messages on my phone, he read them all."
I should've known she wouldn't be discreet or secretive about it. She probably left her phone open on purpose so he'd find the messages. I wouldn't put it past her, I wouldn't put anything past her. She wanted him to know, she's always wanted him to know, so that we could be together. She wants to be with me, but that's never going to happen, ever. I'm in love with someone else, I'm in love with Sienna and nothing is going to change that. I will never want to be with her, even if she's having my baby. I could never be with anyone else long term, only Sienna.
"Did you tell him everything?"
She nods, folding her arms across her chest and a slight smirk shows on her lips. I knew she'd tell him everything, I bet she enjoyed telling him everything. I bet he's going to punch me in the face when he sees me and I don't blame him if he does. I deserve it.
I know our friendship has never been the same, not since I left the band and now I know it'll never recover. The only way I can justify this slightly to myself is that if Sienna had given him the go ahead he'd have slept with her too. He'd have jumped at the chance, but there's the difference. My girl has grown up now, she's grown out of sleeping around and sadly I haven't. I've not grown up yet, nor had I fully committed myself to her. That was before now though, I really have now.
"What're we going to do? Are you going to tell Sienna or shall I?" she asks.
My neck cracks with the speed I twist my head to look at her. I feel fresh anger brewing through my veins hearing her words. What the fuck is she on about? Why would we tell Sienna and why would I let her tell her?
"What?"
I'm radiating anger, forcing me to stand to my feet. My anger takes over and I grip her thin wrists in my heavy hands. I attempt to squeeze them tightly, but she pulls her hands from my grip and she steps away from me. I wish I'd squeezed tighter, I wish I'd snapped her wrists.
"Do you want to tell her together?"
Is she fucking stupid? Does she not realise how hurt Sienna is? She isn't awake, she couldn't hear us even if we did tell her what we've done. The chances of Sienna recovering are so slim that we'll probably never get to tell her together.
"No!" I snarl "The doctors have said she might die! She could fucking die and you think I give a shit about you and your fucking baby!"
I'm enraged, outraged and yet I'm sad too. I'm sad that Sienna ever considered this snake in front of me as her friend. She isn't Sienna's friend; she isn't even my friend. The only positive of Sienna never waking up is she'll never know how awful me and Eleanor are. She'll never know how badly we've both betrayed her.
"What? She might die?" she questions.
I rub my face with my hands feeling worse. It sounds so much worse, so much more real when someone else says those words out loud. I know I don't know what's going to happen, but with the luck we've had lately I'm expecting the worst.
"Yes, there's a chance" I admit.
I stare back at her and I feel sick, watching as hope flashes in her eyes. I know exactly what she's thinking, I know the dark thoughts she's having. She thinks now that there's a chance for us, that we can now be together, but we never could be. I could never be with her because I hate her. I fucking hate her. I hate her for getting me drunk, having sex with me and then hounding me until I gave in again.
"Okay. We don't need to do anything then" she says "If she's going to die then we can just be together. It'll be perfect then."
My rage takes over and I grab her roughly, slamming her against the nearest wall. I know this is the last place I should be making a scene, but my rage is pulsing right now. I don't care about her or her baby. The only person I care about now is dying and there's nothing I can do about it. If I don't have her who else do I have? I've got nobody, nobody at all.
"How can you fucking say that?" I ask becoming emotional "How can you not give a shit if she dies? You're meant to be her best friend, you're meant to love her."
She looks at me with only slight remorse and I realise then that I've no idea who she is. The woman I knew, the woman who was friends with Sienna and I has long gone. She isn't the woman who was always there for Sienna, helping her through the dark times. There's no empathy, no sadness, not only for Sienna, but none for Freddy either. She doesn't care that I've only just lost my son, she only cares about herself and the baby growing inside her.
"I do care! Of course I care" she says unconvincingly "Surely, though you can see that this is the best for everyone. We can be together now, nobody can stand in our way."
She moves closer to me, pouting her lips into a kiss, so she can infect my lips with her poison like touch. I need some comfort, some kind of affection, but not this kind, not like this.
"What the hells going on?"
I turn around, moving away from Eleanor and releasing her. I stare behind me to find my mum watching us. I've no idea how long she's been there or how long she's been listening for, but I can tell it's long enough. She stares at me like she doesn't know me, like I'm the devil. I don't know how I'll explain this.
"How the hell could you do this at a time like this?"
It isn't what it looks like, not really. I'm trying to keep this woman away from me, when she's been intent on staying by my side. I want nothing to do with her, but my mum won't be able to see that. I know the damage is already done now, I did the damage long before this moment now.
My mum's eyes wander over us and then she stares at Eleanor, really stares at her. I realise then that she's taking in her growing bump and she's slowly starting to work things out. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what we've done. She looks back at me and my face must say it all because she shakes her head at me in pure disappointment.
"I don't know where I went wrong you, I honestly don't. I didn't raise you like this, I raised you better than this. All you ever do is let me down, you let everyone down."
I know I let everyone down, I always have done, but every man has a weakness. Every man I know has a weakness when it comes to sex. I wish it wasn't my weakness, but it is and it probably always will be. I don't care what anyone says, but any man would have fallen for this in the end. My mum, Gemma and Sienna, none of them would ever understand. If something is paraded in front of you enough, then nine out of ten men would take it. We just never think of the repercussions at the time.
My mum doesn't wait for my explanation, she just turns away from me and she walks away. She walks back into the waiting room, where Gemma and Niall are waiting. She goes back to comfort people who don't really know Sienna, not like I do. There's nobody who knows Sienna like me. She's mine, my Sienna.
"Your mum will come around eventually. Everyone will" Eleanor says.
She rests her hand on my arm and I quickly knock her off me in disgust. She might be having my baby, but that's all we'll ever have. There's nothing between us. We'll never work, I don't want us to ever work.
I turn around ready to lay it all out to her, but I'm distracted as I stare up the corridor. I see Louis heading towards us, hands clenched into fists and eyes burning with rage. It's all about to kick off, escalate beyond all control. I've got to deal with this shit, when I should be beside Sienna. I've let her down, but that's what I always do. I always let her down and I always will.