A/N: FINALLY! I finished writing this chapter. For some reason it was quite difficult for me to write it, I cant say why. And lately there hasn't been enough time or inspiration. But I'm back. This chapter is 9,5k words so... be prepared and happy Christmas eve 💝
***
- Um... no, I don't want to...
- Armin, continue to sleep, I'm not asking you to get up...
- I don't want you to get up, lets continue to sleep, we fell asleep late yesterday.
- Armin... I need to pack our things, we have to go to Shiganshina today.
- I'll pack everything when we get up, just don't leave now, it's too early...
It was seven in the morning. Y/N tried to escape from Armin's embrace to get ready for the trip. Yesterday evening was very busy for them, and there was no time to pack their things. And it's not to say that they cared about this.
The warm bed smelled of pine. Armin held Y/N to his chest, stroking her bare back.
- Armin... is there any point in falling asleep now, it's already seven, we'll get up soon...
- I'm not saying that we need to sleep, lets just lie like this... you and I... in Shiganshina we're unlikely to sleep in the same bed... although I haven't been to Mikasa's house, I think that Jean and I will sleep on the floor...
- Mikasa has a guest room, so we'll sleep together. Don't worry.
- Mm... well, okay...
He pulled her closer to him, feeling her bare breasts against his chest. He smiled with his eyes closed, stroking her body. Warm, hot, soft velvet skin, delicate feminine curves...
- Armin, you should stop, honey...
- Why?
- Because we definitely don't have time for this.
- We could quickly...
Y/N forcibly pulled away from him, sitting up in bed. She clutched the blanket to her chest, looking at Armin a little sternly.
- Maybe you want to talk?
Armin looked at her in bewilderment and didn't understand why she was dissatisfied.
- That's what, but I definitely don't want to talk now...
He tried to take her hand and pull her back into his arms, but...
- Armin, I know you well... you are trying to distract yourself from the thoughts that are disturbing you. Yesterday, yes, we were both tired and each others company helped relieve tension and relax, but... listen, I feel like something is wrong. If you don't want to go to Shiganshina, we won't go, but honey, you'll have to face it eventually...
Armin turned on his back and stared at the ceiling, sighing heavily. Y/N moved closer to him. She put her hand on his forehead.
- My dear boy... I don't know what you're thinking about... I want everything to be fine with you, so that the past doesn't bother you... I can understand how much the past sometimes prevents you from moving on, how it holds you back... I want you to be happy and accept the past with its losses and pain...
- Y/N... I... I'm worried, I don't know how I'll feel... I'm afraid of breaking down and... I'm not used to...
- If you are worried that you will show some emotions in front of others... don't. We are all your friends. And you cant keep everything to yourself forever. We'll all be there if needed. After all... we are family... you... are family for Mikasa... and... the most important person to me, you know? You know that I will accept any of your emotions, weaknesses... I will not stop loving you, I will not stop seeing you as a strong and smart person, brave, decisive... the man I love...
He looked at her, so beautiful, so beloved... She looked at him softly, there was a little concern for him in her eyes. She gently stroked his forehead, giving him comfort and security.
- I want to deal with this... for my sake, for our future. I know I'll need time, but I'm glad I won't be alone. Tell me, what was it like for you... how did you cope when Commander Erwin died?
Y/N sighed.
- It was... hard for me. I already told you about this. A lot has fallen on me, it seemed to me that this pain would never go away, but... time heals. And... at that time, for the first time I began to experience the pain that I had hidden deep inside for so long - the pain of losing my father, which I couldn't cope with. Which I haven't come to terms with.
- Just as I couldn't cope with the pain after Eren's death, I tried to forget myself in work, in relationships...
- But now you're not alone. And I, and Mikasa, and all our friends will be ready to be there to support you...
- You will be enough for me... I can entrust all my thoughts to you...
He took her hand, with which she stroked his head, lightly kissing her fingers.
- I love you, my Y/N. When we get back, I'll need to buy you flowers.
- Armin... why? You...
- Yes, I don't have to, but I want to give you fresh flowers. You like them and they smell delicious.
- Well, okay... would you like anything?
- Do you want to give me something?
- I would like to...
- Let me think about it... and now... I want to lie in bed with you.
He pulled her arm, making her lie back down, and then pulled her closer, causing Y/N to be on top of him.
- Armin... it's hard for you...
- You are like a feather, my love...
He kissed her on the cheek, hugging her tightly, feeling her naked body on his chest.
***
An hour and a half later, lost in conversations and cuddles, they finally left the bed, starting to hastily get ready. Taking two small bags, everyone threw the necessary things into one of the bags. Y/N didn't take her work uniform, but she did take a dress formal enough that she could participate in the welcome ceremony at the port if necessary, even though she wasn't officially invited there. She grabbed some body products, scented candles and oils, expecting that after visiting Eren's grave she would need them to help Armin relax. I took the necessary clothes that would make her comfortable and warm.
Armin, as promised, helped Y/N get ready and even managed to prepare breakfast for them. He watched Y/N awkwardly walk around the apartment in her underwear, packing her bags and getting ready for work at the same time. He noticed the hickeys on her inner thighs, smiling playfully to himself. Yesterday evening was wonderful.
He was thinking about the future. Will everything be like this - they will live here, in this cozy apartment, waking up together every morning, some of them will cook breakfast, some will prepare clothes. They will clean the apartment together on weekends. Together they will buy some new furniture...
Watching as Y/N again tried to find something, walking back and forth... he imagined what he forbade himself to think about... About family... he imagined that here he was... preparing breakfast while his wife was getting their child ready for school... He understood that Y/N wasn't against adopting the baby, but... damn, he couldn't help but think about what he really wanted... his own child. Which would be part of him and part of her... He accepted her position, but he still felt sad about it. But she was still more important than all his dreams and desires... She was the main one of them, and he didn't intend to part with her.
- Armin?
- Mm...?
- What are you thinking about?
- Yes, nothing to talk about... are you done getting ready?
- No... where did you put your ties? I can't find it.
- And... perhaps, besides the black one, I haven't put the others out of the suitcase yet, look there...
***
They worked for about three hours, and, quickly changing into comfortable clothes at work, together with Mikasa and Jean, headed to the station.
- Do you have water there?
- In what sense is water, Jean?
Armin and Y/N walked behind Mikasa and Jean, listening to their conversations. Y/N put on the backpack with which she always went on work trips, and Armin carried his bag and a small paper bag with food on the road - they all didn't have time to have lunch and Y/N bought some food, she didn't have a lot of work, unlike from the scouts.
- In the sense that we will be tired from the road and, probably, everyone will want to wash themselves.
- Well, I don't have a shower in my house.
- «Jean, can you imagine, we used to live like this», Armin said. «No shower, no running water... We went for water, and to wash ourselves we heated the water over a fire, mixing it with cold water. Therefore, having even an ice-cold shower in the cadet corps is already a luxury»
- Jean, I have a bathtub at home, you just need to go get some water and heat it up, I don't think it will be a problem. Y/N got used to it when she lived with me last spring.
- «In principle, it's okay when you have time for this... But I admit, it's unusual. When I first started living with the scouts in the old castle... this whole process was so uncomfortable for me. And then in the cadet corps there was a cold shower... and now you don't know what's better – a long-heated bath or an ice shower...», Y/N thought. «I always had running water and a bathtub with a shower in my house. But I think that such experience is also very useful»
- «And how do you think it is useful?» Jean asked her.
- «Maybe not for everyone, but for me it was a useful experience», Y/N answered, «I liked living so... simply. Such a life has its own zest. Its own... romance, or something... If you go to the coast, there is no running water in the houses on the coast, and fresh water is quite far away, you'll be lucky if there are gas lamps in the house, otherwise there will only be candles»
- «You said that you liked it there?» Mikasa asked.
- And I'm not saying that it was bad.
Jean again began asking Mikasa about her house; he had never traveled with her to Shiganshina, only once passing through there with the others. Armin looked at Y/N who looked calm, there was a slight blush on her cheeks from the still cold early spring air.
- You didn't talk about how you vacationed on the coast. When it was?
Armin asked her quietly. A slightly worried expression immediately appeared on Y/N's face.
- It... was last spring. And you never asked. And... this is not something I would like to talk about in detail with you...
Armin thought about it, and a puzzle immediately formed in his head.
- Last spring... you were with him...
- Yes, that's why I don't tell anyone about this. Don't think about it, okay? It's not worth for you to be nervous about it again.
- It's okay, Y/N, I just didn't know it. In any case, in the summer you and I will go to the coast and we will have new memories.
He smiled softly at her, seeing the worry on her face, she was afraid that Armin would start thinking about her past again.
- We already have wonderful memories of the coast... some of my favorites...
He playfully pushed him on the shoulder, smiling.
- But this is not the same... in the summer... you can swim, spend the whole day on the beach, bask in the sun and look for shells. Let's plan to take a vacation at one time for a couple of weeks and plan our vacation.
- Plans don't often work out for us, Armin, but at least we can plan the timing.
Forty minutes later, they were finally seated on the train in a separate compartment. Y/N went to the dining car to fill the thermos of hot water to make tea. She bought everyone a box of hot rice with vegetables and a piece of berry pie, which her friends were happy about. They ate while discussing plans for today and tomorrow.
The road wasn't close. Since no one occupied the table in the compartment, Y/N settled down by the window, laying out her diagrams and notes, again immersing herself in the study of the capitals water supply and electrical networks, thinking about optimization. Her friends tried to understand how these diagrams worked, but they weren't very successful - in fact, it was a map of the city, but very lined and non-linear with different signs and inscriptions. Mikasa took embroidery with her - in the winter, while she couldn't garden, and the new apartment had a large balcony where she planned to plant many plants, she began embroidery as an alternative. She wanted to do something to relax and unwind. She once told Y/N why she decided to do exactly this - it reminded her of her own mother, who taught her to embroider a long time ago. Mikasa did a good job, she even gave Y/N a couple of handkerchiefs with different flowers embroidered on them.
Jean and Armin were talking to each other, Armin periodically noted something in his notebook. Soon they both got tired of talking about work, Jean took out some kind of folder and also began to do something. Armin was also thinking about doing something, but then he realized that he had left all the working documents to his assistant, who would bring them to the coast on Sunday. He moved towards Y/N and watched out of the corner of his eye what she was doing, slowly starting to fall asleep. Until his head rests slightly on Y/N's shoulder.
- Armin? Are you tired?
Y/N put down her drawings and turned to him.
- Yes, I dozed off.
- You can lie down, I'll put your jacket on my lap, it will be softer for your head.
- Mm... good.
Armin kicked off his shoes and settled down on the long seat, resting his head on Y/N's lap and closing his eyes. This didn't make Y/N feel uncomfortable, and she calmly continued to look at the diagrams. Soon, Armin began to snore softly, turning on his other side, pressing his nose against Y/N's stomach.
- How is he, Y/N?
Mikasa quietly turned to her friend, afraid to wake Armin.
- He is fine. He just gets tired, works a lot... I think you understand this even better than me, because you see how he works. And he tries to spend all his free time with me... it all tires him. I just hope he realizes this. In the end, this was probably the main reason why we decided to live together. So that we see each other more often and so that it doesn't waste precious time for us.
- «Armin still believes that it's too early to delegate his powers», Jean began to say quietly. «But this is also understandable - he gave Sasha and Connie questions about the new cadets, and in the end everything didn't go as expected... I hope that once we deal with these Eldians, work will become a little calmer»
- «I can say from experience that it will become calmer», Y/N said. «We have been preparing for the launch of the power plant for more than a year, the whole construction process was very messy, there were many problems, but now that everything has happened, the work has become smoother, I don't stay late at work, I can afford weekends, and having a deputy makes everything easier. In some matters, he understands even better than me»
Y/N leaned back in her seat, looking at Armin sleeping peacefully. She gently stroked his head.
- «I just hope he stops worrying so much about his job», Y/N continued quietly. «He's still worried that people don't trust him, that every decision he makes can be questioned... That's why he's afraid to somehow lose control over the situation, afraid to stumble... He needs time...»
- «We are all ready to help him», Mikasa said. «It's not easy for him, such responsibility... and the situation is not easy... Not to mention everything else. But I'm glad that you still got together after all these years... I think he feels more confident around you»
- I hope this is really so...
They talked quietly for a while longer until Armin muttered something in his sleep. Mikasa returned to her embroidery, and Jean returned to his papers. Y/N remained sitting, placing one hand on Armin's shoulder and the other on her knee, barely touching Armin's head. She looked out the window at the trees, fields and towns rushing past.
Outside, the sun slowly began to set. Evening was approaching.
Mikasa and Jean went to the dining car to drink coffee, as they began to feel sleepy, leaving their friends alone.
Armin woke up. He carefully turned on his back, looking that his friends had gone somewhere. He looked at Y/N who was sleeping sitting up. He felt her fingers in his hair. As Armin tossed and turned, she began to wake up.
- Y/N...
She looked at him.
- Are you awake? Did you sleep well or did we disturb you?
- I took a good nap. How long have I been asleep?
- No, a couple of hours, I think. I was still worried that we would wake you up, otherwise we were chatting a little...
Armin brought his hand to her face, gently stroking her cheek.
- You slept too... you look a little tired.
- I dozed off a little, you know that sitting idle tires me, and these eternal sounds of the train lull me to sleep...
- Yes, I remember how you fell asleep when we went to the coast... Well, it's okay, I see we should arrive soon, we'll get some sleep today. We don't have to go to work tomorrow, great. Where are Mikasa and Jean?
- They went to cheer up a little and drink coffee. They probably stayed there too long, but still... it wouldn't have been possible to talk here.
Soon the train arrived in Shiganshina. The guys quickly got ready and, taking a car, drove to Mikasa's house. They were all tired, having worked half a day and been on the road for several hours.
- I don't have any products... I need to come up with something...
Mikasa lit the gas lamps she bought and looked at what food she had at home. Mikasa's house was small but cozy.
- «Mikasa, I think we can go and buy something to cook quickly or even go eat at some bar or restaurant», Y/N said. «We still need to go get some water»
In the end, they decided so. Mikasa and Y/N headed out to buy groceries while the boys were sent to get water. Armin and Jean each took two buckets and headed to the well.
- How are things going with Annie? As I understand it, since she hasn't shown up for work since Tuesday, that means you've talked to her?
- Eh... Yes, I talked to her on Monday, tried to explain everything, but she didn't even give me the opportunity to explain. Then, on Tuesday she went to Y/N. I don't know the details, but Y/N was calm, so I just hope they at least didn't fight there. Well, after that Annie didn't show up at work, I'm not doing anything about it yet, maybe she needs time or she doesn't want to see me, who knows. In any case, I will accept any of her decisions, if she wants to quit and leave or stay I still care about her, she is not a stranger to me, and I would want happiness for her.
- Tell me, in Marley, Y/N didn't communicate with us often because of you?
- Um... well, yes... everything was... not easy, it's my fault, those years weren't easy for all of us...
- Won't you tell me?
They finally reached the well. Armin threw the bucket onto the hook and began lowering the bucket into the well.
- It will be a long story...
- You have been close friends for a long time, I remember back in the cadet corps they jokingly teased you because of your friendship with a girl who didn't really communicate with anyone else. But then we all somehow stopped communicating with her.
- This is also my fault... I then decided that it would be more correct that we stop communicating because of the death of the commander. He was like a father to her, and I... Captain saved my life, not his, I then felt guilty for this and pulled away from her. And Y/N had health problems, she spent a long time recovering from her injuries, and then coped with depression... But I didn't know that. She didn't want anything then, she thought that we all abandoned her for some reason... in general, we all made a mistake in something at that moment.
- But if you liked her, why did you stop communicating with her?
- I thought it would be right. I did this for her. But... it was a mistake. And then... do you remember when there was this situation with wine, and...
- When was she supposed to turn into a titan?
- Yes... that was the first time she spoke to me in these four years. At that moment I regretted everything, about all these years that I diligently stayed away from her. She said that she loved me, that she had loved me for a very long time... and I, too... loved her for a very long time... But... I didn't answer her, again making a mistake. Thinking that it wouldn't change anything anyway, that she would still... die.
- But she didn't die, and you started dating Annie after everything that happened.
- Yes. I won't hide it, then I had feelings for Annie, I don't know whether they were real or not, but they were bright and new... And after the war and Eren's death, I wanted to escape from these painful feelings, so yes, I dated Annie. But I cant just forget about what happened. And memories of the past began to make themselves felt. In the end, I broke up with Annie, being unable to continue the relationship any longer, and I also couldn't tell her that I was constantly thinking about another woman. The pain of losing a friend, the only one who fully knew about my situation with Y/N... well, I didn't even have anyone to talk about it with. And I'm glad that she still forgave me. Now I'm really happy with her.
- As I understand it, you told me all this without details.
- Yes, if you don't mind, our history doesn't really matter to our friends, I think so. We have long seen each other as more than just friends. And everything that was around us influenced how our lives turned out. We were away from each other for a long time, but in the end, we are together, that's all. Everyone has their own story. Like you and Mikasa. You've been in love with her for a long time.
- Yes... I must admit, for me it was love at first sight. And it always made me angry when Eren treated her with disdain.
They filled the buckets and slowly walked towards the house.
- Why didn't you and Mikasa ever go here? She has a good house here, as I understand from Y/N's stories.
- I don't know, I also thought that maybe she wanted to be alone when she was here. But when I suggested we go together, she was so happy.
- You know what I can tell you - women like it when we accept them along with their past. Yes, I think she still misses Eren, I think she will never forget him, but he... will no longer be with her. So you just support her and she will be faithful to you. Mikasa is a wonderful person, very kind, loyal, sensitive... hope everything goes well with you.
- When you lived here, did you always carry water like this?
- Yes, I lived a little closer to the market, my grandfather and I went to another well. Here only the houses that were next to the river had some kind of equipment. And so, basically, everyone lived like that.
- In Trost we had both a shower and a sink... So this is all new to me. But here in the house there is a bathtub, Mikasa kept saying what kind of bathtub Y/N has in her apartment. But we don't have a bathtub in our apartment, unfortunately. By the way, I didn't see the bathtub in your apartment
- We have two bathrooms. One is shared with the shower, which is in the hallway, and the second with the entrance through the bedroom – it's larger. Y/N likes to take baths after work. It's relaxing, and actually a good way to spend time together.
- Are you... together?
- Yes, we have a big bathtub. And... I cant refuse her...
They approached the house, the girls had already returned and were chatting, doing something in the kitchen.
The girls brought dinner from the tavern, since all the shops were already closed. The guys had a quiet dinner, they were all resting after a difficult day. Then, Mikasa went to prepare the bedrooms, and Jean went to wash. Y/N and Armin washed the dishes together and talked quietly.
Mikasa prepared a guest room for them. They all took turns quickly washing up in the bathroom and went to bed.
***
This morning Armin woke up alone. Warm sunlight entered the room. He looked around, seeing wooden walls, wooden windows... the same simplicity as before. All this made him think about his childhood.
He got up, got dressed, and went to wash. In the kitchen, Mikasa and Y/N just started preparing breakfast, having previously gone to the market and bought food so that they could cook something for themselves in the evening and have breakfast tomorrow morning.
Y/N also brought coffee with her, which she kindly made for her friends.
After breakfast, they all got dressed and went for a walk. Mikasa suggested first walking around the city, showing new places and restored houses, squares.. Places that Mikasa and Armin remembered... That's what they did.
The weather was good - it was sunny, in Shiganshina it was a little warmer than in the capital - after all, the closer it was to the center of the island, the higher the altitude above sea level. They walked around the city, which had changed a lot in recent years. Many passers-by greeted Mikasa, who had been actively helping rebuild her hometown for two years after the Rumbling. They even stopped at one construction site, where Y/N talked with some of the Garrison soldiers about the process of restoring buildings and building new ones, about equipment and about the complaints and desires of ordinary soldiers. The development of the island was important to her, and she took every opportunity to learn about the real state of affairs.
Mikasa and Armin told stories from their childhood along the way of their walk. Y/N just walked next to him and listened, she felt calm because she saw the soft smile on Armin's face. She was afraid that even staying in this city would be a difficult test for Armin, but perhaps he had long ago dealt with that childhood trauma from the loss of loved ones and his home.
They walked for a long time until they got hungry. They decided to have lunch in the city, since the road home would be quite long.
After having lunch at a small cafe in the city center, they headed towards Mikasa's house, namely towards the hill. Armin and Y/N were a little behind their friends, but still kept them in sight.
- Armin?
- Yes, love...
- How are you?
Armin looked at her, trying to understand the essence of her question.
- I'm fine...
- I mean that we are here. I don't know how you feel about this.
- Ah... well, this city... makes me remember the past. Of course, many good moments happened here, but also many very sad ones... Many of them no longer sadden me, but still... I remember a lot...
Y/N took his hand, intertwining their fingers.
- I'm there, okay? Maybe I can't fully understand your emotions, I can't understand what you're going through, I can't support you the way you would like... I'm always there.
- I know, my love, I know... it has always been difficult for me... to come to terms with the past. All my childhood fears were with me when we were studying, all this uncertainty still sometimes disturbs my thoughts and this...
- You need time, that's normal.
- I don't want you to see...
- What?
- I... I'm worried... we... we're going to his grave... I don't feel like I'm ready to calmly accept this... I don't want you to see...
- Don't want me to see your tears? Your grief for someone dear to you, who has literally been family to you for many years, no matter who that person was? Armin, don't you think this is stupid?
Armin didn't answer her, realizing that she was right. These were also his fears - to appear weak to her. But it was Y/N - she always understood him in a way that no one else did. And she accepted him as he was and would be.
- Shall we buy flowers?
- Yeah, good idea.
They stopped at a nearby flower shop and bought a small bouquet.
Soon, they reached the place. Walking up the hill was difficult for Armin. Memories of his best friend kept popping up before his eyes how they ran here together with Eren, then - with Mikasa... They were each other's first friends. They were so different that sometimes Armin wondered why Eren even decided to be friends with someone like him... But he loved and treasured his best friend, no matter what he was. Armin would like Eren to outgrow his childhood aggression, the eternal desire to confront everyone around him... the eternal attempt to cope with everything alone... Then he could now be with them, because... as they later realized, there was a different decision, but Eren didn't even try to trust his friends. All of them had long ago come to terms with how it all ended, but Armin couldn't come to terms with the price that they all brought for this world, for their freedom. The cost of millions of lives, kilometers of forests, thousands of cities... the cost of the life of his best friend.
Armin walked up the hill behind Jean and Mikasa, who walked together in front, Y/N also walked ahead of him, looking out over the city. With every step it became harder for him...
Having climbed the hill, they all stopped, examining their surroundings - everything here was the same as last time. A beautiful view of the city, a clearing in the shade of a large tree and... Eren's lonely grave. Armin approached the grave first and placed a bouquet of flowers, kneeling next to his friend's grave.
He silently looked at his friend's grave, mentally saying everything he wanted to tell him... Mikasa came up to him and sat down next to him.
- You can talk to him here, Armin.
- But he's not there, Mikasa...
- I know, but he is always with us. When I came here alone, I talked to him, it... helped me come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't see him again...
- I miss him, Mikasa... I cant forgive myself for not doing anything, not being able to stop him... I had to change something...
Armin lowered his head, holding back tears. He finally began to release everything he had been holding inside all this time. Mikasa put her arm around his shoulders.
Jean and Y/N stood nearby. Jean also wanted to come over and support his friend, but Y/N took his hand, stopping him.
- Jean, wait.
He turned to her.
- Let them go through this together. You and I cannot do anything to help them.
Jean stood next to Y/N again. They watched their friends from afar as they talked about something. Armin cried, which also made Mikasa cry, but not like she cried before.
- Y/N, why did you come with us?
- Because Armin asked. I understand that he lacked the determination to face the past. And my presence helped him with this. But in accepting this particular past, I cannot help him as much as Mikasa can.
- You talk about it so calmly.
- I admit that she has known him much longer, they have a lot in common. They mean a lot to each other, they are each other's family. I can listen to him, support him with my presence, but... I'm not sure that I can tell him the right words that would help him calm his worries. Still... I, unlike everyone else, never accepted what Eren did. He tried to explain his position, why he does this, but I still don't understand it. Once upon a time I understood his desires and impulses well, but when he returned after he ran away, I stopped understanding him, it was as if he had become a different person, putting on some unknown unpleasant mask. I don't know whether there was something real in it or not... there is no difference anymore. But Armin always saw him as his friend, who was his family, because family is those people whom we accept for who they are, we love them for who they are.
- Do you hate Eren for what he did?
- No, I just don't understand him, I don't approve of his decision, I don't understand how it was possible to make such a decision alone... And therefore I think that my categoricalness in this matter clearly will not help Armin cope with grief and longing for something better to a friend.
- But you once helped Mikasa...
- With Mikasa, everything was different... she loved him, and this... I can understand this. After all, I understood what it was like to love and not be able to be with the person you love. We then, in some sense, helped each other cope with this pain.
- Do you think Mikasa coped with it?
- If she hadn't let Eren go, she wouldn't have agreed to be with you, Jean. She couldn't, for her it would be like a betrayal. But he is no longer there, and there is no one else to betray.
Y/N spread a blanket on the grass and she and Jean sat down and continued talking. Jean asked her for some advice about his family, about his relationship with Mikasa, about work. Mikasa and Armin sat at Eren's grave alone for more than an hour, not paying attention to everything that was happening around them. They were talking about something with each other and with Eren.
Y/N periodically looked at them, worried about Armin. She saw how hard it was for him, she wanted to hug him, tell him that it would get easier, but she trusted Mikasa with that. She will help him now, and Y/N will be by his side after. She was ready to help him go through accepting grief and a painful past, she was ready to listen to him, to console him in difficult days, when anxiety would make itself felt again. She consciously understood that no relationship could be cloudless, and she was ready to work on their relationship so that they would be happy. Always. Difficult times happen, and even this couldn't be called difficult - the most difficult times were already behind us. War, hatred and murder... remained in the past, where they were friends and strangers to each other.
After some time, Mikasa joined Jean and Y/N. She sat down next to Jean, but Jean moved closer to her and put his hand on her shoulder, as if showing that he understood her and supported her. This gesture helped Mikasa relax, and she pressed her back against his chest. Jean put his hand on her waist, clearly pleased that his beloved girlfriend was behaving this way, even being here - at the grave of the man she loved.
- Are you okay, Mikasa?
- Yes... we were just remembering our childhood... Armin always remembers everything in such detail... no matter what Eren was, for us he was family, he tried to protect us as best he could, maybe his ways weren't always correct, but he knew how to do it that's the only way... Thank you for offering to go, Jean, I'm glad that you are ready to be with me, even in such moments...
- You know how dear you are to me. And I accept you along with your past, otherwise what would be the point in this relationship.
Mikasa smiled and placed her hand on his hand that was on her waist and squeezed gently.
- «Oh, you are so cute», Y/N told them, looking at her friends with a smile. «I'm glad that everything worked out for you, otherwise Jean at some point even stopped hoping to earn your attention, Mikasa, and was thinking about switching to me», she laughed. «But that would be a bad option»
- «And I'll even answer you why I was thinking of asking you to go on a date with me», Jean decided to answer her. «We once talked with the guys about relationships with girls when we were still living in Marley. Connie noticed one thing - none of us particularly like to tell our story about the war and the fight with the titans, and the only girls at that time with whom we could not discuss this and who would understand us were you and Pieck. Well, I knew you much longer than Pieck, and you also stayed on Paradis, like me, so I decided why not... But you reminded me of Mikasa...», he looked at Mikasa with loving eyes.
- «And then I was already in a relationship with Armin», Y/N answered. «So it would have been a no anyway»
Armin ended his conversation with Eren. He finally pulled himself together and expressed everything that had been weighing heavily on his heart for so long. He told the truth about what he thought about his action. He spoke about his feelings regarding the loss of a close friend. He spoke about the difficulties that followed Eren's action. About how he dealt with it, how difficult it is still for him to deal with it. About how he dreams of a quiet life without this pain, without the daily fear of making a mistake in something, which will again put their quiet life into question, which will again bring back the threat of war.
Wiping the remnants of undried tears from his face with his sleeve, he turned and looked at his friends. They chatted and smiled at each other. He looked at Y/N and smiled too. He thought he had to deal with this loss for the sake of his future with her. He didn't want his fears and worries to stop them from being happy. He knew that she would always support him and would always be there for him, but he didn't want her to worry about him. He wanted to give her only happy memories.
He got up and went to his friends. When he approached, they fell silent. He sat down next to Y/N. Mikasa began to take the prepared food out of her bag, and Jean looked at the city, over which the sun began to set.
- «Armin, how are you feeling?» Y/N spoke to him quietly, turning to face him.
- I'll be fine, Y/N, don't worry.
She took a bottle of water from her bag and dabbed at it with a clean handkerchief. The water was cool. She carefully brought the damp handkerchief to his face, gently wiping his tear-swollen cheeks. Armin didn't resist, looking at her with a slight smile. There was warm care and concern in her eyes, but he was in no hurry to reassure her, he understood perfectly well that no matter what he said, she wouldn't stop worrying about his condition. She knew him too well.
- Thank you, love.
- Do you want to drink? Or eat? Mikasa brought small snacks with her just in case.
- Yes, can you give me some water, please?
They all sat together for a couple more hours. At first they were silent, looking at the sunset over Shiganshina, then they began to talk. We remembered the past, cadet times - the first dinner, when Jean teased Y/N and fell in love with Mikasa, when Armin first noticed Y/N and became interested in her, the first trip to the mountains, when Mikasa and Armin began to really get to know Y/N and began being friends, the first successes and failures, the rivalry between Jean and Eren, how these two constantly fought and eventually became good friends. Y/N shared with her friends her stories about life when she worked alone - she told them about what she did, what kind of people she met, how she and Damian deceived Hitch, how Hitch made eyes at Damian, despite the fact that he dated Y/N and how she still tries to deny that she still likes him. She told them about the research she had done, about how she worked in the Underground City, when she first realized the tragedy of the lives of people forced to live there. Friends understood why she devoted so much effort to the project to restore and modernize this place, because none of them had ever been there before or now.
Then the conversation turned to their relationship, they shared different stories with each other, about how they spend time together as couples - Jean and Mikasa talked about their first date and that special date in the greenhouse. Armin and Y/N shared some memories there. Within the bounds of decency, of course, they were still embarrassed teenagers at heart.
When the sun had almost set, they packed up all their things and headed back to Mikasa's house.
The girls quickly prepared dinner and prepared what they would cook in the morning so that they could have a quick breakfast tomorrow, since their train to the coast left at nine in the morning. The boys went for water again.
After dinner, Y/N and Armin washed the dishes together again. They were silent. Y/N saw that Armin wasn't in the mood, he was lost in his thoughts, he was thoughtful and a little sad.
She decided to prepare a bath for him, she took everything that Armin usually liked.
Mikasa helped her heat the water.
- Mikasa, do you think Armin will be able to let go of the past? I... I think that in this matter you understand him better than I do.
- Don't worry about him so much, Y/N. I think he doesn't want you to worry about him. He wants to let go of the past and accept it, but none of this is easy for him. I remember how losing his grandfather hit him, but it made him strong. He and I always understood each other, since we both didn't have parents. His family... I don't know if he told you about this... this is probably one of the topics that is most unpleasant and painful for him. My parents were killed, they tried to protect me from robbers... And Armin's parents... they abandoned their child for the sake of their ideas, which were initially dangerous and punishable. At least Armin felt it like this. When we were children, he periodically talked about it, and after the death of his grandfather, he stopped talking about all of them.
- He didn't talk to me much about it. The topic of parents is not an easy one for me either, so we rarely talked about it, without much detail...
- After the death of his relatives, Eren and I became a family for him. And Eren's death is difficult for him. But he can handle it, he is stronger than many of us, even though he doesn't look like it.
- He is often plagued by doubts because of what other people think of him. But he's a wonderful person.
- That's why you didn't come to us and sit today?
- Armin... didn't want me to see his tears. And although we discussed this, that even seeing him like this, I will not stop loving him for who he is, but I still decided that your support would be more important for him at this moment than my presence.
- And yet you are very wise, even though you don't like it when people say that about you.
Soon, Mikasa left to rest, leaving Y/N alone. She heated the water and added salt and dried lavender. She lit a candle. Armin, hearing that Mikasa was back in the next room, decided to check on Y/N.
- Y/N? What you...
He didn't expect to see such an atmosphere.
- I... I decided that a warm bath wouldn't hurt you. I see that you are still stressed and worried, and I thought maybe this would help you relax.
- You... did this for me?
She walked up to him and took his hand.
- Of course. I've already washed my face, so I'll wait for you, you can rest and warm up.
- Thank you, my love, I really appreciate it, but... can you stay with me?
- Yes, I can sit with you if you want.
- No, I want to take a bath with you.
- But Armin... we hardly fit in this bath together.
- We'll fit in. Just stay.
He approached her, hugging her. Her presence calmed him. Her warm embrace and the scent of lavender in her hair. Y/N hugged him back, stroking his hair, feeling his breath on her skin.
- Then let's wash, we have to get up early tomorrow and you need to sleep, tomorrow is an important day.
- Yes, okay.
Armin drained some of the bathwater so they could both fit in the tub without the water overflowing. They had to sit in the bathroom to fit in. Y/N sat behind Armin to hug him and stroke his head. She knew it calmed him down.
- Y/N?
- Um... yes, honey?
They sat in the bathroom, Armin wrapped his arms around Y/N's legs, which she pressed against his sides, and Y/N put one hand on his shoulder, stroking his chest, and with the other hand she gently scratched his head.
- Thank you for coming with me. I'm... glad you're here.
- How could I do otherwise... I understand that you need my support. Although I rarely say this, you and our relationship are very important to me. Although most often I put work as a priority, but when you need me, you are always my priority, you know?
- I know, love, I know. I never doubt your feelings, that I'm important to you. You too... are very important to me.
- Do you... do you feel better after today? How are you feeling now?
- You know... the pain from the loss hasn't gone away, but... my soul seemed to feel lighter when I said everything that was on my heart. I was glad that Mikasa was there.
- She is your family, I knew that it was her support that would be valuable to you at such a moment.
- Y/N... I know that you don't like the idea of marriage, and you don't want to have children together, but... even without all this, I want you and me to be a family. I don't know how it will be, but I want it. We haven't been together long enough to consider each other family, but I want it to be that way someday.
- It will be so. We just started living together, we have so much time ahead, so many happy memories. We will settle in, buy new furniture together, so that our apartment truly becomes our common home. Maybe we'll get a dog or a cat...
- Hmm... it's better to have a cat so we don't have to take a walk every morning.
- Mm... good. And then... who knows what will happen in a few years... But we will be a family, I will be yours, and you will be mine.
- Y/N?
- Yes?
- What about children?
- We kind of discussed this
- No, I'm not talking about that. Just... when would you like to adopt the baby?
Y/N smiled, feeling that Armin wasn't trying to insist on his desires again, accepting her position.
- I haven't thought much about it yet, but I think not until we're twenty-five years old... maybe even closer to thirty. You yourself understand how hard we both work. And child it's a big responsibility... I know it's not what you really want, but...
- Forget what I said, Y/N. I'm happy to be with you, and if we give some child a home and a family someday, then that will also be happiness for me.
- I just understand that you would like you and me to... have our own child, but I... I...
- I'm telling you, my love, forget it, okay?
- Fine...
- Just don't be upset because you can't give me what I want. It's nothing. I will be happy as long as you are with me, the rest doesn't matter.
- Armin... can I ask you... about the family?
- About family?
- About your family. I... I was talking to Mikasa... and she mentioned your parents... you... you never really talked about them... didn't tell me...
Armin sighed as he began to stroke Y/N's legs.
- I... I don't like talking about them. I... I don't remember them, I remember my grandfather had their portraits drawn in pencil. When he told me about them, he showed these portraits. I was little when they disappeared. I had just met Eren then, we began to be friends... We were... about seven years old, no more... we were just children, and I didn't even think that what if I talked to my friend about the outside world and showed my book... that there will be some harm from this. I sometimes heard my parents discussing going beyond the wall... They discussed it with such enthusiasm... and my grandfather fought with my father about it... because it was dangerous. Because they... left a small child for the sake of, as he said, another stupidity. As far as I know, my father was once a successful engineer and worked in one of the major cities of the Wall Sina, but because of his ideas, he was exiled to Shiganshina. I don't know the details, but in the end... my mother was also impressionable. They worked together, and when he was exiled, she went with him. Then I was born, but they never gave up their ideas. As a result, they went behind the wall and... disappeared. I mean that they were killed for this - whether they managed to leave the walls or not, I don't know either. But it wasn't easy for me then. I saw how Eren's parents take care of him, how they even took in Mikasa, a girl who lost her parents. They took care of her as if she were their own... And my own parents... abandoned me, as if I wasn't important to them at all... Only my grandfather cared for me and loved me. Although he tried to say only good things about them, I only remembered how they left me... And when my grandfather died... I threw away these memories. I remember my parents with some bitterness and understand that I will never do this to my child, whether he or she is my own or adopted. If you take responsibility, then be responsible to the end. And grandpa... I miss him, I'm sorry that everything turned out this way and he died. He was a strong man. His death forced me to pull myself together, I decided to go with Eren and Mikasa to the cadet corps. So... that's why I didn't tell you, there's nothing special to talk about.
Y/N wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. Her lips touched his ear.
- Thank you for telling me. Now... now I understand you better.
- I probably should have shared this with you earlier.
- All in due time, darling. In any case, if you want to tell me anything else, tell me if you want to share.
- My lovely Y/N... I feel so good with you... Today wasn't easy for me, but I took the first step towards accepting the past. I'll sort this out and we'll move on calmly. Together.
He took one of Y/N's hands, kissing her small palm. And Y/N playfully kissed his cheek.
They spent some time in the warm water, chatting about all sorts of little things, like plans for the next weekend, about how they needed to go to the store and buy a desktop for Armin, about what Y/N once wanted date on a pleasure boat on the river...
Soon the water cooled down. They got out of the bath, Armin emptied the bath and rinsed it lightly after salting it. They brushed their teeth and headed to the bedroom.
- Y/N, will you light your candle?
- Yes, sure.
Y/N placed a pine oil candle near the window, a light stream of air from behind the unsealed windows fluttered the flame of the candle, due to which the whole room was painted with light tints of warm light. The scent of pine filled the room soothingly.
They went to bed. Armin immediately hugged Y/N, snuggling close to her.
- Do we have to get up early tomorrow?
- Yes... the train leaves at nine in the morning, so you need to wake up at least at seven to get ready, have breakfast and get to the station.
- Hmm, I see. Then... can we cuddle for a bit?
- Hm...
Y/N turned to face him and cupped his face in her hands, gently sliding her fingers over his soft cheeks. His eyes were still a little red from crying today. He looked tired but calm.
- Love, you are so beautiful... I never stop falling in love with you every day, I'm so lucky that you are mine.
Y/N smiled playfully and finally kissed him. Armin pressed her closer, pulling her on top of him so he could feel her warmth with his entire body. Y/N kissed him sweetly, stroking his face. Armin tilted his head slightly, pushing his tongue into her mouth. Y/N immediately answered him, deepening the kiss and pressing her body closer to him. Armin's hands intuitively climbed up her nightgown, caressing her soft curves. He playfully ran his tongue along the roof of her mouth, which Y/N always liked, it tickled her and this made her smile often while kissing. And now, she began to laugh a little because of this.
- Armin... what are you doing...
- This is so funny...
- It tickles me when you do that. You yourself wanted to cuddle and kiss, but you do it yourself.
- I love it when you smile. I love to make you laugh, I love to see your happiness when you are so... carefree. I once dreamed of you being like this - at the time, I thought I couldn't give it to you, so I wanted you to just be like this, even when you were with someone else. Then I thought that seeing your happiness would be enough for me to be happy. But... I'm glad that I was still able to give this to you. What you are like this with me.
- And I... I'm happy to see you in my arms, to feel your hair on my cheek... to share my thoughts, dreams with you... to make common plans, to dream... To be happy together. I never thought that I could love someone so much... That I would dream of a future with a man... As a child, I thought that love wasn't for me, but... in the end - my life is kind of confusing love story. A love story for a boy who returned a book I had forgotten in the dining room. For the boy with blue eyes that I have been drowning in every day since I first looked into them...
Armin brought his hand to her cheek, gently stroking her skin. He looked into her eyes continuously, as if not believing what was happening. Everything was like in a dream. The girl he's in love with loves him back. She's in his arms. In his heart. They had their own story their love story. Tangled, painful, but with a happy ending.
***
The End.
***
A/N: The End? Yes, this is the end of the main plot. This was a long story but I'm really enjoy writing it. BUT! I continue to write this story in format of specials - like some one-shots of continuation. I still should write a chapter about the beach, the ocean and the summer. And I want to write some chapters about their life in a couple of years, maybe you will have some ideas - leave them in the comments. I also want to say thank you to everyone of you, who was here until the end, it means a lot for me, it's my first story ever and my English is not the best, but anyway... Thank you so much, my dear readers. And stay tune for special if you're interested 💗💗💗