Fresh paint and color stained the canvas in front of me. Each shade glistened in the streaks of light that filtered through the blinds of my window. What I would give to smell the morning dew from a nicely kept yard.
The air in my room was warm as the sun peaked outside and heated the walls. Yet despite the comforting atmosphere, I felt cold.
I wasn't actually shivering, yet it's like the lonely night drained away and numbed my soul.
My late night tea has gone cold. Cold tea wasn't that bad though. It still has that smooth sweet taste.
Curse Wu. He was the one that really got me into tea.
I don't drink it too often, but it sure helps on mornings just like this. Early days when I'm pulled out of my dreams and cannot embrace them again.
Instead of tossing and turning for hours, I'd rather make a cup of tea to focus on my efforts.
It's more of the memories that would flood back with the sip of one cup.
Enough said. If I were to elaborate further to anyone, my thoughts would go somewhere I'd rather not visit. A mindset I have tried to avoid.
Setting my paint brush back into its water cup, I glanced at the window to gauge the time. Mostly because I'm too lazy to grab my phone from the nightstand.
Judging by how blue the sky was and the light seeping through my blinds, I deduced it about eight or nine in the morning. My three pets would mostly be up and moving around by now.
Time always seems to slip away when my mind is focused on my work. Yet it's agonizingly slow when I'm lost in the past.
I spend my time painting or sketching when my emotions try to take hold and immobilize me. I sometimes take time to be with my pets.
I had a dream earlier, hence the paint staining my hands. It still won't leave my mind. No matter how much I spend time with my brush, or the amount of paint used.
Every time it slips back into my conscious thoughts, I end up unconsciously biting the inside of my lip. Chewing on the inner part of my cheek as my eyes moved along with the brush strokes.
I saw my father in this dream. It was at Ninjago City, when it was still being built.
Except this was somewhere else in the city. It was a grass field as we sat underneath a blossom tree enjoying the shade.
He held me in his arms as I held a small cup of tea. I guess I always liked tea...I just never remembered.
I couldn't make out what he was saying. Only smiling and I assumed he was talking to me about random things I myself didn't understand.
It was the warmth of being understood by someone and being able to relax in their presence.
The simmering cup of tea warmed my hands and would inevitably warm my cold heart. I brought it up to my lips and caught a whiff of honey and chamomile.
Then as the warmth filled my chest, my eyes are drawn back to the pool of tea.
There's a tooth floating in my cup.
When I look up at my father for help, the scene would change. I would find myself in my present self in the bathroom with my hands clutching the rims of the sink.
Teeth would sit at the bottom as I stared back at my own reflection.
My slightly agape mouth had nothing to it. There was no blood, and I felt no pain. Just me, the mirror and dread that rose into my throat.
Then the dream ended.
Just me in bed with my eyes staring at the ceiling. It wouldn't leave my mind and the more I tried to fall back asleep, the more unsettled I became.
I could never fall back asleep, no matter how hard I tried to. It left this uneasy feeling that I would lay there with my eyes wide open. Maybe a little perturbed.
This wasn't the first time I had that dream. Sometimes the setting would change.
In other iterations, I was out with the ninja at a restaurant. The tea would be iced and taste of citrus and mint.
But the bathroom and my reflection would always be the same. I always stared into my own apathetic eyes.
One possible cause for this repeated dream could be something in my life that's caused me distress. It's not like I can fix that, so I've ultimately let the problem alone.
Hence why this morning is just like every other one I've had. And in a way, I take comfort in this odd routine.
Sitting on the floor in my room since four in the morning, in my pajamas with my face deep in paint and caffeine in my veins.
I continue painting until it was the time I would usually wake up and start my day.
A day like every other one.
~~~
I changed out of my pajamas and throw on some of my usual clothes. I had decided to cut holes in the back of all my clothes so my wings can fit through them so it doesn't feel uncomfortable.
My bandaged wounds have healed leaving only a couple scars that were barely visible. When my skin was torn by my wings that left some scars.
"A nice jean jacket sounds good today." I thought and looked down at myself. Something to cover my arms, yet a light material since the temperature outside has been rising. It doesn't have a hood, but that's fine because there's been less rain lately.
The sleeves didn't fully cover my hands, so I slipped on some gloves to cover the rest.
I flexed my hand to get a feel for the material. Slightly wincing at how stiff my hand still was. My wounds had rather healed quickly but weren't fully healed.
When I stepped out into the hallway and head to the bathroom, I found myself staring at the mirror.
Meeting my gaze was my own reflection. This is the version of me in this moment. Despite everything so far, I'm still here. What came before is what makes me who I am today.
Every feature, detail and imperfection perfect by default. It is mine and mine alone.
I smiled at myself in the mirror, finding a bit more courage to face the new day.
Another day added to the cycle of brushing my hair and then my teeth. Simple tasks that add a balance back to my life.
I put my hair in dreads and then in a bun.
When I stepped out of the bathroom, I was met with Scout sitting on the ground as he looked up at me.
"Oh- good morning Scout" I smiled at him and gently pet his head feeling his warm fur against my cold hand.
"Where's Indie? Kitchen?" I asked and Scout nodded "Yeah."
I smiled and headed to the kitchen to give the three their correct food.
Ever since I found out I was a Dragon, I've been able to understand animals. It was a bit odd at first but I'm slowly getting used to it.
~~~
The day carried on, time passing as I finally left the city and all of its traffic behind. I enjoyed the cool breeze that blew through the open windows. I could feel the hot sun radiating on my sleeve as I rested my arm against the window ledge.
It's been a minute since I've taken my care on a drive outside the city. Part of me misses taking such trips. The destinations limitless while time passes so slowly and quickly at the same time.
I cast a glance at Indie who layed at the backseat with Scout, Iris was coiled around my neck.
A soft gentle smile formed on my face. I'm glad to have her, Scout and Indie. Something about this felt so familiar.
When I turned my car off the main road heading down a specific dirt road was when it started to go quiet. I first took notice how there are a lot less trees than before. Instead, what took their place was a variety of tea plants separated by the rows.
"Wow they've sure been busy..." I muttered under my breath when the car's tires ran over the pavement leading up the construction site. For a moment, I wondered if this was the right place.
There was a strange pang in my chest.
Right where the Monastery once stood tall and proud, was a humble shop with a blue teapot sign on the roof.
Standing outside the shop and under the cover away from the sun's harsh rays were the four ninja. Each wearing their casual clothes, probably taking a break from work.
I could feel their eyes on me as I parked the car at the very edge near the entrance.
When I didn't hear the purr of the engine, I realized how fast my heart was pumping. Scout pawed me softly and I looked over. I gently smiled "I'm alright." I reassured him as I unlocked the doors and got out opening the back doors as Scout and Indie got out.
Scout jumped in the back seat and got out the car. I shut the doors and reached into an overhead compartment and fumbled to slip a pair of sunglasses over my eyes.
I glanced up and noticed the three out of the four ninja push just Jay to come over and talk. My wings shifted slightly as he approached me, Scout's tail wagged as he saw Jay.
I pulled on a bright confident smile. "Hey Jay, it's been a while" I lightly waved at my brother.
"Hey, it's so great to see you" his eyes brightened up when he saw my face.
I gave him a small smile and rested my head in my palm. "Likewise. I hope everything's well" I said while glancing around discreetly. No green ninja in sight.
Jay fiddled with his hands as he looked over his shoulder. Past my tinted shades, I could see the other ninja watching our conversation closely.
"For the most part..." He sighed and looked back at me. "H-How have you been?"
I shrug my shoulders and smile, ignoring the pounding in my ears. "I'm doing better these days."
His mouth slowly rises and forms a delighted tight smile even though his eyes seemed bittersweet.
My gaze continued to flicker back to the tea shop and the small storage sheds still being built. "Looks like you're almost done with construction" I comment.
Not a great topic, but I'm at least trying to keep the conversation going.
"We still have a lot of work to do sadly...My muscles hurt from all the lifting" Jay informed me and this made me crack a smile at my younger brother.
"Don't strain yourself too much or I might have to look after you even more than I already do" I lightly reminded him.
When I glanced back over to the tea shop, I could feel my heart speed up like it was about to burst through my chest.
The Masters of Earth, Fire and Ice were walking over.
Past their figures, I could see Lloyd and Misako carrying boxes into the tea shop.
I saw something green fall out Misako's box and shatter on the ground, my wings tensed up from the sudden loud crash. The three turned right around to help the two while Jay still stood with me.
Everything started to move slowly as I watched Zane and Kai start picking up the pieces of broken ceramic. It was when I finally caught a glimpse of jade mixed with gold.
Cole took the box from the older lady and headed into the shop to grab a broom and dustpan.
Time felt like it's moving in slow motion, although the heart beats pounding in my ears said otherwise.
I watched the scene like an outsider looking in. Focused on the broken jade green pieces before my gaze met a pair of eyes.
Lloyd stared back at me from under the cover of the tea shop. An unidentifiable emotion crossed his face as his shoulders tensed, his arms threatening to drop the box in his hands.
Jay glanced at me as a long sigh escaped my lips. "Are you okay Asteria?" He asked and frowned, concerned about me.
I looked at my brother and nod with a tired smile. At least my friendship with him isn't strained nor frozen.
"Sorry, I gotta head out. Can I hug you goodbye?" I asked as I held my arms out.
Jay quickly got in my embrace as he wrapped his arms around me. "I missed you...Please make sure to call me" he said and I smiled down at him. "I will. I promise you that." I said as we pulled away and I opened the back doors as my two dogs jumped in and I shut the door as I got in the driver's side of my car.
I wave at my brother before driving off.
~~~
By the time I got back home, I had already calmed down.
Despite what's happening in front of me now, my train of thought always somehow trialing back to that brief visit of the ninja's tea shop.
Every moment, detail, word and body language being broken down and strung together to connect the dots on the time I've missed out on.
I went to my bedroom and stumbled upon my old ninja suit, I stared down at it as I felt the fabric. I frowned, remembering the memories I had made with them.
~~~
The writers of Ninjago's history are very keen on hiding the undesirable parts of its history. Letting the magical arts be lost to the ages and preferring to paint the much brighter picture that the Elemental Masters cast.
In comparison, the texts covering the Elemental Masters and their powers are vast and plentiful.
Even to the point of mentioning elements I've yet to see. Water, Wind and Time.
The history of magic and research in comparison? Almost nonexistent. The book even rubs salt in the wound by noting that the older texts have been destroyed.
The weary part of me wanted to stop reading after that line. I had to slap myself and force myself to continue. I've waited weeks to get my hands on this book and if I want to get my hands on a spell book, I have to look somewhere specific.
Sitting up in my desk chair, I held out a palm and started muttering some words as I focused the power within.
A small dose of blue magic erupts from my hand. Small glowing particles swirling upwards in a vortex, slowly growing into bigger triangles. The shards of glass reflect light as they condense together.
From dust to broken glass.
The small glowing shards slowly moved together to form a beautiful glass flower. Its petals refracting the light. Allowing small rainbows to shine at certain angles.
Then a wave of frustration flowed through me, crushing the flower in my hands and reverting it back to nothing.
"Why. Nothing ever goes the way I want it to. Why can't I have something go right for once?" I thought in anger. I thought this book would be a breakthrough. Maybe point me in a direction, ANYTHING. But no, I'm back where I've always been: The Start.
What am I doing wrong? Sometimes it's like I'm making progress, but the next it blows up in my face leading me nowhere.
I ask for help and there's nothing that my friends can do.
I try to move on past the pain of losing my memories and the past continues to beckon me.
I turn to magic, and I can't scrape up a single spell.
Just stuck in place.
Everyone gets the luxury of a future, walking right past and leaving me in the dust because I can't move. Why can't I be like them?
Tears fell down my face. The soft plips staining the papers of research. The thought disgusted me, to have another thing ruined by my touch.
Everyone will move on without me.
That fact continues to haunt me.
Sadness heats into unbridled rage as I recall every bad moment with the ninja.
How they listened, but never made me feel like I was heard. The times I felt like an asset rather than a part of the team. I only had a true connection with Jay, he's the one that understood me.
When Lloyd burned that spell book, it only cemented those feelings in me. How I'm not respected or one of them because I'm not a ninja...I never was.
I will always be an outsider.
Cast aside and buried in the shadows just like the Sorcerers and Dragons in the past.
I unclench my hands and lean back in my chair. The emotions washing away, leaving me with that familiar hollowness. My wings dropped down to the floor.
I then remembered something.
In the book I read, it mentioned how some research journals by past sorcerers might still be circling around in the underworld. Maybe mistaken as a normal book or sold at a pawn shop. Of course, not published to the public.
My heart shot up as I frantically wrote out the idea on a sticky note. Listing out possible places to look before tacking it on my corkboard.
Hope bloomed once again. Something to cling to as I stave off the feeling of everything crumbling around me.
I turn off my desk light and plop into bed as my wings wrapped around me. I was determined to get sleep and immediately get back to work. I have to keep going, I have to.
So I can finally take the first step at living my own life.
I'll wake up tomorrow as if none of these emotions existed. I'm not ready to crumble yet.
"Dad, did you love me? Have I ever been loved?" I asked in a small voice. Another small tear slipped down my face as I pulled my hand to my chest.
"I don't know anymore. I wish you were here, so I'd know the truth."
I felt my heartbeat in my chest, reminding me that I'm still here, still alive.
"I can't wait to meet you in my memories..." I thought as I closed my eyes and curled up with my wings wrapping around me. The soft warmth of my wings and my own soft breathing lulling me to sleep.
~~~
Author's Edit: Oct 13, 2023
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