Chapter 36
Sienna's POV
"Please hear me out" he begs me.
He's on his knees in front of me, staring up at me with sad and desperate eyes. I stare down at him, kneeling on the floor, ready to beg and plead for forgiveness. There's still some part of me though which wants to hear him out and find out what he has to say. I've still got that feeling inside, which I can't get rid of. That stupid needy feeling, which still after everything we've been through wants to make this work. It might be stupid, but I can't help loving him and wanting to know what he's feeling too. I still want him to make this all okay, I want him to magically make us okay, but I know now there's nothing magical about our life. There isn't anything magical about us and our disastrous relationship at all.
There's also a part of me, the smart part, which doesn't want to hear him out. I know if I hear him out where this will end up leading to. He'll give me his usual lines, the ones that have worked every other time and then everything will just fall back into place. That's a place I don't want to go back to, not right now. The problem now though is I know him, I know him better than anyone else and I know he isn't going to just leave. He isn't going to go, not until I hear him out. I know it'll be easier to just hear him out, then we can get this over with as quickly as possible.
My body sags in defeat, feeling drained at his mere presence. This is what he does to me whenever he's around after he's hurt me. He steals all of my happiness when he's like this, making it vanish into thin air and all he leaves is a void inside. I attempt to mentally prepare myself for the bullshit that's going to now leave his mouth. I know he'll have a million and one excuses for why he did what he did. He'll have endless reasons for it like every time he's done this in the past. It doesn't matter what he says now, it isn't going to make any difference. The damage has already been done and he can't just reverse it with his apologies now.
I have to stand here in front of him and endure him bursting into his plea, forcing his words and opinions on to me. He knows I don't want to hear his speech, but he's forcing it all on to me. I'm trying my best to not listen to him, which isn't hard because I'm already distracted. I can't concentrate on what he's saying. My mind is already focused on Freddy, wondering how he's managed to sleep for so long. He's lazy my boy at times, but there's still a slight worry inside me. I'll probably have to wake him up to give him his bottle, I don't want him to go much longer without anything to eat.
"I know I've messed up, I'm so sorry. I want this to work, I need us to work."
My attention is immediately dragged back to Harry as anger circulates through my veins. The rage starts to rise up through my body, creeping up me and making it impossible for me to hold my anger in. How does he always manage to do this to me? He always manages to push me and he makes me become someone I don't want to be. He forces me to become the old Sienna, someone I fight every day not to be. He makes me become the old angry person I use to be.
I thrash my arms up in the air, rolling my hands into tight fists as I try to release some of my anger. I'm sick of hearing this same rubbish over and over again and I'm tired of all this endless bullshit. I can't keep listening to the same shit over and over again. I've been listening to it over and over for years now and I've had enough. I can't keep going through this time and time again.
I tug desperately at my hair, wrapping my fingers in my locks and I tug on it furiously. I can't make the anger go away, even though I want to let it go and remain calm. The last thing I want is to shout at him and for this to turn into a slanging match. I don't want this to be any bitterer than it already is.
I stare up at the ceiling, focusing on the chandelier, which hangs from the ceiling. I want to release this hate, the hate I feel towards him. It won't go though and when I look back down at him, I realise right then I actually really do hate him. Honestly, I hate him, I hate him for everything he's done to me over the years. I hate the way he makes me feel so bad about myself and I hate how he comes in and out of my life whenever it suits him. I really don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't want to be so unhappy all the time. I don't want to be this person anymore, I don't want to be who I am when I'm with him.
"There is no us, don't you see that? I can't keep doing this with you! It's bullshit! We've been going back and forth for years and I can't do it anymore. I can't keep going on this same path with you, I can't keep fighting for you. I refuse to let you dictate to me when we can be together and when we can't be. You didn't want to be with me, it hurt, but it was a relief too. It was a relief knowing I didn't have to put up with this shit again. So, you may love me and I may love you, but it's too late for love. It's too late for us."
I manage to get everything out that I want to say and for once he doesn't over talk me or interrupt me. He lets me have my say and steadily I release the anger I was holding in. I finally get everything I needed to say out and he crumples before me. He finally lets me go, freeing me and I can finally move away from him, so I can be free. It still hurts, it still hurts inside that we're over, but I'm thankful too. I just know I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want to fight with him because we both always lose. There's nobody who wins, neither of us have ever won in the whole time we've been together.
His head hangs down in defeat and he cover his face with his hands. I'm expecting him to start crying, waiting for the sympathy card to be played. He doesn't though and it makes me wonder if he's given up too. This time he might realise it's really over and it's better this way. It's better for us both that we're not together. I hope we can both remember this in months to come if we're ever tempted to get back together.
I take a step away from him and when he doesn't reach out for me, I know this is my cue to get away from him. I want to see Freddy, I want to check he's okay and rid myself of this sick feeling inside. It just isn't like him to sleep in this late, especially without a bottle. There's just a feeling inside, mother's instinct call it, which is telling me to get in to that bedroom now.
I walk away from Harry, leaving him on the floor and I rush to the bedroom. I'm relieved when he doesn't follow me or call out to me. I've said everything I have to say to him and he's said everything he wanted to say to me. So, it's done, we're done.
I open the bedroom door and I slowly walk inside. The moment I step into the bedroom I know something is wrong. The hair on the back of my neck and on my arms stand up. My heart rises to my throat and a cold chill runs through my body, head to toe. The room is deadly silent, no sound filling it and I don't hear the familiar sound of Freddy breathing lightly. I don't hear anything at all. My hands start to shake and I slowly walk towards his travel cot, feeling petrified. I walk to his travel cot and when I stare inside my boy lays there sleeping. Well, I think he's sleeping at first, but that thought only lasts for a few seconds. I soon see the dried blood beneath his nose and his lips have a tinge of a blue colour to them, not the usual red lips, which I love to kiss.
I can barely breathe as I stare in at him and fear fills every fibre of me. My mouth is dry, making it impossible to swallow and my mind is racing with a million thoughts. My hand shakes as I lean in, nearing his body, so I can touch him. He'll wake up, the moment I touch him I'm sure he'll wake up. My hand connects with his hand and I jump back immediately. My stomach churns, sickness flooding through me and tears start drizzling out of my eyes. A tidal wave of emotion floods through me feeling how cold he is. His skin is like ice, making me want to be sick. Oh god I'm going to be sick. My face crumples and full body sobs consume me.
I quickly lean back in taking his hand in mine and I shake as fearful sobs leave me. My heart pounds so loud I can hear it in my head. This has to be a bad dream, this has to be a nightmare.
"Wake up!" I cry "Please wake up!"
He still lays there though, his chest not moving and his eyes still closed. He doesn't do anything and the pain slices through me like a thousand knives being dragged down my skin all at once. All I can feel now is deep searing pain, killing me and causing me endless never ending pain. I've never felt anything like this before, nothing has anything ever been this painful before and nothing ever will be this painful again. He has to be okay, it all has to be okay, doesn't it?
"Oh God please baby wake up" I cry louder "Help me, please help me!"
I quickly pick him up, holding him closely to my chest and I scream out in agony, feeling his cold body against mine. I start to fall apart, breaking down and I cry out desperately. I need someone to help me. Oh god someone please help me!!
Harry's POV
I stay on the floor, still feeling broken on my knees. My head is up and my eyes are fixed on the door of the bedroom, where Sienna's cries have just come from. My heart races in my chest and terror runs through my veins, chilling me to my bones. My body starts to shake and a lump gathers violently in my throat. Her cries fill the suite and I stay here on the floor, unable to move my shaking body. I can't make my body work, none of my muscles will move or work, so I stay crumpled on the floor. My voice has already dried up, not allowing me to speak or to make a single sound. Every element of my body is frozen in fear and I've no idea what I should be doing now. What the hell am I meant to do?
"Wake up!" I hear her cry desperately "Please wake up!"
I'm blinded by the tears in my eyes, unable to see anything in front of me. My chest tightens painfully, causing my entire body to feel tense and stiff, as I take in the words she's crying out. Why isn't he waking up? He needs to wake up, my baby needs to wake up! My mind races with a million thoughts, a million scenarios, where everything is okay. There can't be anything bad happening, there can't be. Maybe, I'm hearing things, maybe this isn't even happening. What if I'm dreaming? This is all just a dream.
I know I'm not dreaming though when my tears leave my eyes and land on my hand. This is all real, everything that's happening is real. I realise then that she needs me, Freddy needs me too, but my body is locked in fear. I feel like my body is being weighed down and I can't get up off the floor. I'm stuck here, making me useless in this situation and useless to either of them.
"Oh God please baby wake up" she cries louder "Help me, please help me!"
She's screaming in pain now, she's way past being desperate and way past hysterical. There isn't even a word that could describe fully how she sounds right now. The only thing I'm sure of is I've never heard anything like this before, never from her before and never from anyone else in my whole life. I never want to hear anything like this ever again. It's the worst sounds I've ever had to endure.
I wipe the tears from my eyes, allowing me to see again, even though the tears soon reform. She rushes into the room suddenly and my stomach churns as she screams and cries in so much despair that I can't even tell what she's saying. My heart runs cold as she rushes to me and I see the tiny limp body lying in her arms, pressed against her chest. That's my boy, that's my Freddy. My bottom lip shakes and my body trembles as my eyes stay fixed on him and I can't take in a single word she's rambling out. There's something wrong, really wrong and I feel broken, completely shattered as I realise it.
This very moment takes me back. It takes me back to the day I woke up and found Daisy laying stiff beside me. It all comes flooding back to me and I remember seeing her dead eyes and cold skin. I remember it all, I remember the smell and I remember that pain inside, when I had to accept she'd gone. I quickly feel the bile creeping up my throat, like it did back then. This can't be happening again. My boy can't be meeting the same fate as Daisy did. It was all self-inflected back then with her, drugs were to blame, but Freddy is innocent. He's just a baby. What has he done to meet the same fate as a drug fuelled addict?
She crashes down to her knees in front of me in a matter of seconds, still holding Freddy tightly against her with one arm. She grips my t-shirt with her spare hand and I stare at her, my broken girl. She has tears pouring down her face like a roaring river, snot pouring from her nose and painful misery in her eyes. She's gone, my girl is gone and I can see now already she's completely dead behind her eyes.
"Harry" she cries "He isn't breathing, he's not breathing!"
She cries the words out breathlessly, hardly able to breathe herself with how upset she is. Her face is pale, white like she's seen a ghost, even though she's crying like this and even though she can hardly breathe. Her whole body is shaking with Freddy in her arms and his limp arm hangs down between them.
"We need an ambulance, ring an ambulance" she cries.
She's all over the place, a million thoughts thrashing through her head, but there's only one thought that matters. How does she save him? How does she get him to start breathing again? I need to help, I want to help and I want to make this better, but I can't move. I can't do anything as my body ceases up in shock. It takes every bit of strength I have to breathe in and out.
She lays him down on the floor and that's when I get to see him properly. His eyes are closed, dried blood shows beneath his nose and his skin is starting to look blue. I stay on my knees, watching him and I feel sick. The bile rises to my throat and I release everything I have inside me on the floor beside me. She doesn't look back at me, focusing everything she has on Freddy. She hovers above him and she starts to give him mouth to mouth. She presses her hands on his chest, pumping up and down gently. She's trying to bring him back to life, trying to bring him back to us.
She doesn't stop, she relentlessly keeps following each action, one after the other, but it isn't make any difference. He doesn't move, his chest doesn't rise and he doesn't cry out, like I desperately want him to. She keeps doing all she can to save him, screaming out in pain after every time she gives him mouth to mouth. She screams, cries and begs to God, begging him to not take our baby away from us.
"Please don't leave me, please don't go" she cries to Freddy.
She turns around to face me, stopping for a brief moment. I can see the pain and agony drenching her face, showing me how much pain she is in. This is beyond anything either of us has ever experienced or been through before. This is a hundred times worse than finding Daisy not breathing beside me. There's never been anything this painful before, nothing even near to it.
"RING AN AMBULANCE!!!" she screams at me.
I hate myself right then in that moment. I hate that I'm not doing anything to help. The only thing I can do is just stare back at her, not doing a single thing. I hate myself for letting them both down in this vital, life changing moment. I know what I need to do, I know I need to do it now to help them both, but I still can't move.
"HARRY!!!" she screeches in desperation.
She quickly turns to me, moving towards me in flash speed. She grips my arm, digging her nails deep into my skin, but I don't feel a thing. I'm numb, every part of me is numb. She shakes me viciously, making my body thrash back and forth. She shakes my so hard that somehow she shakes me out of this trance.
"RING A FUCKING AMBULANCE!!!!!"
She throws me away from her, making me fall backwards on to my arse with a thud. She turns away from me, rushing back to Freddy and continuing to do all she can to save him. I finally do what I need to do, rushing to my feet and I drag my mobile out of my pocket. My hands shake as I dial 999 and the call rings as I press the phone against my ear, waiting for someone to answer. I stand looking down at Sienna and I watch her trying to save our boy once again.
I look away from her, not being able to watch anymore. It's too painful, this is all too painful. I stare up at the ceiling and I say a prayer in my head, even though I'm not normally religious. I pray to God to save my boy, hoping he'll hear me and answer my prayers.
"999, what's your emergency?" the operator answers.
I feel like my throat is closing up, my throat is dry and I can hardly breathe, let alone speak and tell her what the emergency is. This can't be real, this can't actually be happening to us. How can any of this be real? I thought the worst part of today was Sienna not falling back into my arms. I never expected this, I never expected something to be this painful.
"W...w..w...we need an ambulance" I manage to stutter out eventually.
Every word comes out quietly and my voice shakes. How am I meant to say this? How am I meant to tell this stranger what's happening? How am I meant to say these crushing painful words?
"Okay, what's the issue?" she speaks calmly.
God I wish I was calm, I wish I could be as calm as this woman on the phone. This isn't her life though, her whole life isn't crashing down, but mine is. My life is falling apart, meaning I can't be calm at all.
"My baby" I cry down the line "My baby isn't breathing."
The words sound surreal and when I say them out loud they sound even worse. Oh god this hurts so much. This hurts so fucking bad! I need him to be breathing, I need him to be okay, so we can be okay.
Sienna's POV
I feel like I'm having an outer body experience right now, like all of this isn't happening to me. How can something this painful and this cruel be happening to me? How can it be possible that the person I love the most in the world is disappearing before my eyes? He's the only person who matters to me, nobody else comes close, not even Harry. The bond we have can't be described, the only people who can understand how this feels are other mothers. They're the only ones who have this same feeling inside, whenever they look at their child.
I feel like I'm standing at the side of this room, watching another family lose everything they have. It's like I'm watching someone else's life fall apart, not my life. I'm standing at the side watching some woman screaming and crying in pain. She's doing all she can to save the only thing that matters to her, but it all seems too late. It all seems like it's too late to save him, no amount of CPR will save him. I just can't accept it fully yet, not that easily.
I could cry just hearing the pain from the woman knelt on the floor in this room. I could cry hearing her pain and I would if she was a stranger in the street. The worst thing is though that she isn't a stranger and I'm not watching from the side-lines. The woman screaming and crying in pain is me. I'm the one weeping in agony on the floor, desperately trying to save the best part of me. I'm trying to save the only good thing I made in my life, but he's disappearing. He's disappearing before my very eyes and no matter how hard I try to save him he isn't coming back to me. My Freddy isn't coming back to me, the only life I'll ever create and the only chance I'll ever have of being a mother is vanishing.
This is excruciating, this is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I feel like a thousand bullets are smashing through my chest, over and over again. It's like a thousand stones are raining down on me. My whole life is falling apart and there's nothing I can to do to stop it.
I know Harry's on the phone to the emergency services, begging them to help us, but I know in my head it's too late. They'll be too late by the time they get here. My heart just can't accept it, my heart refuses to believe this is the end.
"Please hurry up!" Harry pleads down the phone "He isn't breathing, he isn't breathing at all!!" he cries.
Right then is when I give up, realising my relentless CPR isn't working. It hasn't made any difference. His skin still feels like ice and his lips are starting to turn bluer. I give up trying to save him because all I want is to hold him. I want to hold him for as long as I can. I fall down beside him, lying next to him and I pull his tiny body into my chest with my arms. I hold my perfect boy against me, hugging him and knowing in my head this'll be the last time I'll ever hold him. My heart still refuses to accept that though, it refuses to believe this is the end. So, I have to hold onto the hope in my heart, it's the only thing that's keeping me going.
"I love you" I whisper to him "Mummy loves you so much."
The pain inside of me is so extreme that it makes me want to die. I want to die because death would be easier than dealing with this pain. I cry beyond any control as I bury my face in to my baby's tiny body, taking in the scent of his clothes. I'll never forget this smell, that sweet baby smell and the mix of my perfume on him. I cry so hard that I can't breathe, every breath is a battle to take in, snagging on my lungs as I breathe in and out.
I'll never forget the way his skin feels against mine and how cold it feels. I'll never forget how his body feels being held in my arms. I'll never forget the overwhelming love I feel inside whenever I look at him. I'll never forget how small he feels in my arms and I'll never forget this pain. I'll never forget this moment because this pain will live with me forever.
This is all made even harder because I'm dealing with this pain alone. I'm completely alone in this life changing moment, even though Harry is in the same room as me. I scream out expressing my agony as Harry stands alone, dealing with his own misery. We're completely disjointed, completely separated in this. I'm alone mentally and physically, which will never change now. My life will never be the same again from now on and I'll never be the same again.
Harry's POV
I stand watching her, whilst she screams and cries on the floor, with Freddy now held in her arms. I want to comfort her, hold them both, but I can't handle the thought of her rejecting me. I can't handle her pushing me away in this moment.
The emergency services operator still speaks in my ear, telling me what I need to do, but I can't focus on her. I can't listen to what she's telling me and even if I did follow her actions I don't think I could pry Freddy out of Sienna's arms. She's holding onto him so tightly that I don't think she'll ever let him go.
My body goes weak, giving up and I finally let my phone slip out of my hand. It falls from my hand, falling onto the floor and I whimper as my family keeps falling apart. Everything is slipping away and I haven't got the strength to stop it or to save it. I need to hold on to the voce inside, I need to hold onto the hope that the paramedics will be here any second and they'll be able to do something. They'll use their machines and oxygen and they'll bring him back to life. This isn't the end, it can't be the end. This isn't how things are meant to end. I'm not meant to outlive my baby, neither of us are meant to.
I want to do something, do more than just standing here. I should be comforting Sienna, telling her to keep doing the mouth to mouth, but I'm in too much pain. I'm in too much of a mess and too much of a state to help myself or either of them.
Every passing second feels like an hour and relief floods through me when there's a loud knock on the door, which drags me from my painful trance. I rush to the door, opening it and paramedics rush inside, carrying all their gear. There's two of them and the women paramedic tries to talk to me, so she can find out what's happened, but I can't focus on a single word she says. The other rushes to Sienna and he pulls Freddy from Sienna's arms. He starts trying to save him straight away, but Sienna flips. She starts screaming, rushing onto her knees as Freddy is taken away from her.
"GIVE ME MY BABY!!" she screams "GIVE ME MY BABY BACK!!!"
I rush to her quickly, pulling her away from him, so they can do what they need to do. I collapse to my knees, grip her body tightly and I force her body into mine. She struggles to get away, but I hold her firmly, allowing the paramedics to do all they can. Sienna cries into my chest smashing her held wrists against me, which are held in tight fists. I don't feel a thing as I keep her against me, doing all I can to calm her down, even though I feel just the way she does inside. I'm just better at hiding it than she is.
She finally gives up, burying her wet face into my chest and she cries in searing agony into me. I watch the paramedics, I watch them do everything they can to save him. They don't stop, they work relentlessly doing everything in their power to save him and to help him breathe again, but I know it's too late. He's been taken too soon, before his time and before he was ready. I don't think either of us will ever get over the fact that our beautiful baby boy has gone.
I stare at the paramedics and eventually they stop, staring at each other and they give each other the nod, which tells me this is it. They've given up, they can't do anything else and they have to let my boy go. They have to declare him dead.
The paramedic gets up, walking over to us and he places his hand gently on Sienna's jolting back. I stare at him, feeling empty. I'm empty and numb. I feel like my own heart isn't even beating anymore.
"I'm so sorry, we've done all we can. We were too late, he'd already gone."
I can't hear anything after that, the only sound I can hear is the sound of Sienna's screams. She screams so loud that my ears hurt. She keeps screaming no over and over again. I don't say anything, I just hold her against me. I hold her body tightly against mine, knowing she'll never get over this. She'll never be able to smile properly again. It isn't just Freddy that's died today, she's died along with him and a part of me has died too.