Early on Saturday morning, Y/N and Damian left the capital, heading to Krolva with grand plans. The time spent with a friend calmed a little the storm in Y/Ns soul, caused by mixed feelings. Now, leaving the capital, she left personal problems in this city in the hope that when she returned, she would be able to accurately indicate what she felt and what she wanted.
***
Armin woke up with a heavy load on his heart. Friday night wasn't easy for him. He sat at his desk in the living room for a long time, trying to distract himself from thoughts of Y/N. In the end, he bought whiskey again and... drank until three in the morning, trying to figure out himself, his mistakes. He was sad. He loved Y/N so much that the thought that he would lose her because of his actions hurt her. How much he didn't want to be doing something wrong with her. He thought that they could have been together much earlier, if not for his fears, his cowardice... his mistakes.
He lay and stared at the ceiling, feeling cold in his bed. He was hurt and lonely. He wished she was here, by his side. To find peace in her arms. When she was around, he saw everything clearly. Knowing that she would support him, he was confident in his decisions. Knowing that she believed in him, he also believed in himself. Next to her, he was the best version of himself.
He thought about what to do today. Usually, he spent Saturday with Y/N. He thought about meeting up with friends - he knew that Jean and Connie used to go to the bar, probably Reiner would be with them too. Girls sometimes went with them - Sasha, Mikasa and Annie. And also - Pieck, if she wasn't busy. Historia usually rarely went out of town with her friends, preferring to invite everyone to her place. She didn't like the attention that often surrounded her. She was a highly recognizable face on the island.
After taking a shower and getting dressed, Armin spent some time reading books, and left the house for lunch. The weather was wonderful. Armin walked through the streets of the capital, examining shop windows. He went to the bookstore and bought a couple of books. I walked through the park, watching couples walk holding hands, as parents play with their children. Such simple... human happiness.
He sat under the tree under where he and Y/N often sat when they were in the park, took a book and began to read. He sat like that for several hours. Then he got up and headed towards the house. He was still sad and lonely.
On the way home, he went to one of the shops where they sold tea - Y/N told him about this shop. He stayed there for about twenty minutes, choosing different types of tea. After, he went to the store, bought a bunch of different products and food, taking whatever he wanted. Money didn't bother him, he earned enough and spent too little. He returned home with full bags. Entering the house, he found several letters in his mailbox.
As he closed the door, he had a smile on his face. He felt what Y/N was talking about. Life... for a day he forgot about his work, about his worries. He only thought about his friends, about his beloved... like an ordinary person. He spent the day as he wished. With an interesting book. He bought a lot of goodies that he once wanted to try, and now he had such an opportunity. Y/N was right - they continued to live despite everything they went through. And regrets are worth nothing.
Having packed all his purchases, Armin returned to the living room and began to open letters. There was a letter from work about a trip to one of the cadet corps this week, a letter from the management company that electricity would be installed in his house in a month, and a letter from Historia, who invited him to dinner tomorrow at the palace, like all her other friends . He decided that he needed it.
***
On Sunday, Armin spent half a day at home - he tried to cook breakfast - it didn't work out very well, but he was still satisfied. He tried new tea - it was really better than what he bought in ordinary shops. He read books, re-reading favorite passages from his favorite books, from books he read with Y/N. Then... his suitcase, which was standing in the corner of the living room, caught his eye. He never fully sorted things out after his arrival from Marley. There was something that stopped him. That... what he was afraid of.
He pulled out his suitcase and sat down on the floor next to it. Opening it, his eyes fell on a large stack of letters — more than 50, to be exact. All these letters are letters to Y/N, which he wrote to her but didn't send. There was a lot of pain in these letters, a lot of regrets, a lot of... hidden thoughts that he was ashamed of. Letters from a broken man.
He often thought about giving all these letters to Y/N, because they were all addressed to her alone. But he was scared.
He pulled out one letter from the stack - the very first one. He unfolded the letter. He saw his slightly scraggly handwriting, ink stains from tears...
Y/N,
I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I'm writing to you. You must hate me after everything I've done. After all the pain I've caused you. I understand this, and don't ask for anything. I would... hate myself. But yes, I hate myself. For everything that was. I broke your heart, I did what I promised myself I would never do.
Today we received your letter. More precisely, your letter to Jean. I would like to be in his place. But before... before he bullied you, joked about you, and I was there for you... how everything has changed.
But you remained the same... the same kind, the same caring, honest, purposeful, fair... selfless... I was an idiot. And I remain the same. I was a coward. And I remain the same. Even when you said you love me, I didn't say anything. Everything wasn't enough for me, and I don't know why I did it.
Your letter showed me that... unlike me, you live for yourself. You live on. Develop, learn, help people. All our trials, all the pain we've endured, this war... they don't stop you. Your path is inspiring.
Someone like you... doesn't exist. It was foolish of me to hope that someone... could replace you.
Today I broke up with Annie. I couldn't go on with it anymore. I hurt you and... I didn't mean to hurt her either. She's a nice girl, but... I don't love her. Never loved. She... was my mistake. Another one. How many mistakes I made... Today I once again realized that... in my heart there is no place for anyone but you.
I've been thinking about you for months now. I guess I never stopped thinking about you. It's just... I was trying to switch to something else. Why... I don't know myself. I'm so confused, Y/N, it seems to me that I won't find the way to the light. That my destiny is only to hurt people... that this is the best that I can do.
I can't sleep well. I cry, every night. I dream of you. I dream about the day you left. When I saw the pain in your eyes. Pain and hate. That day, I... I understood everything. My whole life seemed to flash before my eyes. I realized that there is no more reason, no reason to remain silent about my feelings. Even if you reject me... although I probably shouldn't expect another outcome.
A man like me... doesn't deserve a woman like you. But... God, how much I love you. I love you... since I was fourteen... Although... at fourteen I just confirmed it, maybe I fell in love with you the day I returned you the book you forgot in the dining room... Our first conversation on our first days at cadet corps.
I should have told you a long time ago. How easy it would have been then... I wasted so much time. I made a mistake by remaining silent.
In my last conversation with Eren... he said that he regretted that he never told Mikasa about his feelings. And he said that there is nothing more important than to be frank with the one you love. He told me for years that I was making a mistake by pulling away from you. He was right. I was mistaken in thinking that by stopping communication with you, it would be easier for everyone. But... it wasn't easier for me. It hurt me. I tried to drown out this pain, this emptiness in my chest. I succumbed to the other person's feelings. I... I didn't want to understand myself so much that I allowed myself to believe that... that I have... other feelings... as if... my heart doesn't belong to you alone...
But it has always been a lie.
And it will always be a lie.
Only you live in my heart. And that won't change.
I'd give anything in the world to make things right. To return to the moment when everything went wrong. I want to... tell you everything I had to say.
I hate feeling sorry.
Forgive me for everything. I don't know if this is possible... I feel like I don't deserve this... I will never deserve you. And it hurts... after all, now I realized that I only need you. Only you...
No one has ever understood me the way you do. I feel incredibly alone. I... I played this game... trying to prove to myself that I could live like this... live with Annie. That I'm happy with her. I... offended her. I broke your heart. I... screwed up. And as a result, I was left completely alone.
It's unlikely that I will find the strength to send this letter. But... paper is the only place where I can be honest. I have no one to talk to because... Eren is gone. Mikasa is far away, and you... and you're out of reach.
I love you so much.
And I will love you for the rest of my life.
I hope to see you again someday. Your smile.
My hopes are low, but... I want to believe that I can find my place in your life again. 'Cause I don't know how to live without you, Y/N.
Darling... My only love...
A.A.
Even now, reading this letter, he wanted to cry. He didn't want to ever return to that state again. But, it was foolish to deny that this was his past. And he needed to get used to it in order to move on with his shoulders squared.
After reading a few more letters, Armin took this whole bundle of letters and put them in his desk drawer. He remembered these letters and made a promise to himself that he would give them to Y/N when he will be ready. Also, there was still a small box in the suitcase. Taking it in his hands, he smiled. This was his small collection. Opening the lid, the smell of sea salt gushed out.
Armin has always loved the ocean. And, while traveling to other continents, he tried to take with him a piece of a new place. And... he got a small collection of shells. He already had one in his closet, the very first one he'd found on their first trip to the ocean. Which accompanied him all these four difficult years after Shiganshina. He loved his collection.
Having arranged the shells in his bookcase, he went to get ready to meet his friends.
***
In the evening, almost everyone gathered in the palace. Their small company. Historia hosted a lavish dinner for her friends. They were all sitting at the same table - Historia, Sasha, Niccolo, Jean, Connie, Mikasa, Armin, Annie and even Hitch.
- «Guys, I'm glad you all took the time to come», Historia said as she took her seat at the head of the table. «We are all going through a difficult time right now, and I think we need to meet more often and... how to say, take a break from work»
- «Yes, thanks for bringing us all together», Jean said. «As if we are ordinary people»
- «By the way, did you call Reiner and Pieck?» asked Connie.
- «I sent them letters, but they didn't answer», Historia said. «Probably busy, they have a very inconsistent work schedule here»
- «They apologize for not coming. They really do have a job today», Annie said.
- «And Y/N? Hitch, is she working or what? She didn't even come to lesson today», Sasha chattered. «She usually comes to us every Sunday morning and we cook together»
- «Darling, you only eat, not cook», Niccolo remarked quietly.
- Never mind. So where is Y/N?
- «I... I...», Hitch looked around nervously until her eyes met Historia's. Hitch remembered that the current situation was confidential and she shouldn't have upset Y/N any more.
- «Y/N is really busy», Historia said calmly. «I think I can tell you. We... had an explosion on Thursday morning. In the Underground city at the power plant, the main engine was blown up in the morning. We don't rule out that the Marleyans may be involved in this, but still... for the time being, a decision has been made not to spread about this issue. Captain Levi and Y/N are actively cooperating with engineers to resume construction as soon as possible. As far as I know, Y/N was supposed to leave for the Krolva plant yesterday to agree on the production of a new engine. I don't know if she came back, I sent her an invitation, but she didn't answer. I only know that this project means a lot to her, so... she is very nervous. On Friday, she came in and... she was worried. In general, she works, and she will not be here today. And today we forget about work and just have fun, okay? Just like in the old days!»
- «Yes, let's have a good time!» Connie said happily.
They all poured themselves some wine from the royal stock and began to chat. During the evening they brought different dishes, snacks, desserts. Everything was incredibly delicious. The evening dragged on slowly.
Sasha and Niccolo talked about their «successes» in finding a new apartment and plans for a wedding. Historia immediately offered to hold the wedding in the palace, to which neither Sasha nor Niccolo could object. They were looking for a new apartment and also saving money for a restaurant. Any help, any opportunity to avoid new expenses - definitely simplified their lives.
After dinner, they all sat down near the fireplace, each chatting about his own. Historia was discussing wedding plans with Sasha, Annie was whispering in the corner with Hitch, Jean was talking to Mikasa at the window.
Armin sat in the company of Connie and Niccolo. Niccolo talked about his work, all together they discussed the situation with the Marleyans. Since Niccolo was a Marleyan, this whole situation also worried him - he wanted a peaceful resolution of the conflict.
Soon, Niccolo went to Sasha, and Connie to Jean. Mikasa sat next to Armin.
- How are you, Mikasa? You look somehow... lost
- It's all right, it's just... No, it's all right.
- If anything, I'm always there, you know.
He hugged Mikasa, supporting his friend, seeing the worry on her face. He understood that if she needed support, she herself would go to him. Their relationship has become much closer after everything they've been through.
- Thank you for your support, Armin. You know, I'm thinking of returning to work. I spent this time in the capital, and not to say that I like it here, but... it's much easier for me to be with all of you. Here I... I live. Eren would like that. For me to be happy. And... the fact that you're around... my friends... you make me happy.
- You know, I would be glad if you returned. And the rest would be happy.
- But our... my house...
- You don't have to forget about Shiganshina.
- But you... forgot.
- Why do you think so?
- You don't live there and...
- This city... it means a lot to me, but... I decided to move on. There... I left all my losses there... there in Marley I had nightmares about our house... and when we returned, I was there... where my old house was... they cleared the ruins and started building something... if I returned, then... then this city only reminded me of all the losses... about my parents, about my grandfather, about Eren... not that I want to forget about them, no, I remember, but... I want to remember only the good, I don't want to return to all that pain that was in my life.
- I understand that, Armin. But for me...
- I know. Eren is there. And I won't forget him either. And this city. And I'm not asking you to leave that house. It will always be yours.
- I think I need time to finally decide.
- I'll be there no matter what.
Armin began to remove his hand from her shoulder and accidently hooked his sleeve on the carved back of the sofa, tearing off a button.
- Damn, I ripped my sleeve. I will have to send it in for repair.
- I can sew, I have a lot of time.
- Don't, Mikasa, I....
- You don't trust me?
- I trust.
- Then I'll sew it. How was your weekend?
- Not bad, I spent time alone. Thought a lot. Sometimes it's nice to be alone. And how are you?
- I'm fine. You all work, so I can only see everyone on weekends. Basically, on weekdays I communicate with Historia and walk around the city. Yesterday I visited Levi, he is also very busy now. We saw each other for just an hour, and he again went to work.
- Have you become close this year?
- Yes, thanks to Y/N. She did it more for him than for me. After the injury, he changed. And now... he is more open than he was before.
- Are they close?
- Of course, Y/N saved his life, put him on his feet after an injury. And... he did a lot for her when no one was around. He's a good man, albeit a very difficult one. We lost many in this war, and he... he lost even more. It's good that Y/N doesn't leave him. She... has always been like that. Kind, selfless...
- Yes, she's wonderful.
- You... you confessed to her?
- I told you that I did..
- And what?
Armin didn't know what to say to him. He didn't know whether to talk about his relationship with Y/N. Everything was too early. And they didn't discuss what would happen next.
- We became friends again. At least I want to think so.
- Everything will be fine, it just takes a little more time. Her life hasn't been easy since she became the commander of the engineering unit. She loves her job and gives everything to it. Sometimes I even envied her that in her life there is something for which you want to live. What makes the heart beat. And... her work helped her deal with... the loss.
Armin thought about her. After Historia spoke about the reason why Y/N wasn't here today, his heart became a little quieter. He realized that she hadn't rejected him because of meeting Levi or some of his mistakes, but... he was trying to get her to talk, and now he was afraid that he was too insistent. He was so afraid of ruining everything that... he considered his every word.
- Armin?
- Mikasa? I was just... thinking.
- About Y/N?
- And about her, too.
- What about Annie? I know that you were a couple and...
- Nothing, we're just friends. I... I know who my heart belongs to. And I'll wait if I have to. Are you not tired?
- A little. Let's go, I'll sew up your shirt, and then you'll go home, otherwise it's already late, and tomorrow you'll have to work.
***
Sunday evening.
Y/N was sitting on the couch with a mug of hot tea. In Levi's apartment.
- I don't understand why you're here. You're tired, go to sleep, rest.
- We drink tea together every Sunday. That's why I'm here.
- I heard Historia hosted a dinner for her friends in the palace today.
- Yes, I saw the invitation when I returned home.
- Why didn't you go?
- I don't want to, I'm tired. And why you?
- I'm also tired. Yesterday I spent a long time downstairs again and...
- Knee?
- No, but...
- Nightmares? Or just insomnia?
- Second.
- Let me prescribe herbal infusions for you, you will sleep better with them.
- I'll manage, Y/N, thanks for the concern. So, since you're tired, why are you here?
- Everything isn't easy now and here I feel calm. Here... I can not explain anything, we can just... be silent. Can we... just be silent?
- Of course, Y/N. As usual. I'm always glad to see you. Even... even if we just be silent. But... wouldn't you rather be with Armin?
- I don't know... being with him means... means the need to talk, to explain... our relationship is still... not what I hope it will ever be. Now, I want to deal with work matters so that... give him enough time to consciously spend time with him and talk.
- You have been waiting for each other for a long time. Do as you see fit, but don't be afraid to be frank. Although the truth can be painful, nevertheless... it's better than lies and silence.
- I know that, it's just... sometimes being frank isn't so easy, because were all different people and see these or those situations in a different light.
- But you're talking to me openly.
- Because I know you won't judge no matter what.
- Do you think he will judge you?
- I don't think he can understand. And I don't want to lose him.
A/N
This work week was terrible. I'm so tired... While I'm uploading this chapter, I'm drinking one of my favs oolong tea and listening to jazz, trying to relax a little bit.
Do you like a little bit of Armin's POV? I personally enjoy writing this, it's feels refreshing in some point. Next chapter is probably one of my favourite for this story. It's just ❤️❤️❤️ cute and lovely