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Have you ever seen a grown man cry?
I'm anxious as fuck and my brain is a puddle of hope
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Chapter 83
Harry's Pov.
I slammed my fist into the bag again, over and over until I felt that familiar sting letting me know I had broken open my knuckles again.
Shit.
Tonight did not go how I pictured. But I did have her lips on mine for a second and now i'm oddly feeling fucking worse because she's still not mine again.
And I can't get the words out of my head.
"I don't need you."
I'm so fucking happy she's okay and good on her own, i'm grateful for that, but it hurts to hear she doesn't need me at all because I need her. Desperately. So fucking bad.
This whole past year she's been working towards moving on while I was working towards getting back to her. Now here we are, in two different places.
I know she's still physically into me but I want the other too. I miss the way she wanted me. How she always wanted me to talk to her and tell her things and how she always reassured me i'm not a bad person, even though we all know i'm going to hell, she made me feel like i'm not all that bad. I want her to want those parts of me again too.
And I just don't know if maybe that's too far gone now. It terrifies me and I can feel myself getting anxious again, the sweat pouring off of me as I punched harder and harder, forgetting about the wounds on my knuckles.
"Front Doorbell Alert"
The automated voice on my phone pages and I stopped, looking down at it in confusion.
I should really get one of those fucking doorbells with a camera.
I pressed the elevator button and stepped into it from my garage, letting it take me all the way up. If it's Tyson i'm really hoping he's decided to leave by now because i'm feeling incredibly anxious right now.
I heard the doorbell ring again as I stepped out of the elevator, throwing my sweat drenched shirt on the chair as I walked to the door, opening it without looking through the peep hole.
I was trying to calm my heavy breathes from boxing down but my breathing in general stopped when I saw Renny at my door.
Is my mind fucking tripping now? Am I seeing her now? Hallucinating? Shit i'm going insane.
"I wanna talk now." She said so softly and quietly as if she would cry at any second.
Please don't.
Okay she's actually here right now.
I nodded and opened my door wider but she bit the inside of her lip as if it took everything in her to step foot in here.
It's been so long since she's been here. Since that morning I made her tea and cuddled her and had some of the best sex we've ever had.
Fuck , the memories are never gonna leave this place.
"You don't have to feel weird in here Renny, it's always been somewhere you felt safe right?" I asked as I closed the door behind her and she shrugged. "Once upon a time , yeah."
Kick me while i'm down why don't you...
She looked over at me and my bare torso.
"Do you wanna, like, shower first? Why are you so sw-" She stopped and suddenly looked really uncomfortable. "Wait is someone here?" "For fucks sake Ren, I thought I explained well enough at the bar that I don't fuck anyone. I was boxing down in the garage. That's why i'm sweaty." I rolled my eyes as she just gave me a look as if she was threatening me to roll them again.
I looked around and grabbed a hoodie on the hook on the wall to throw on.
I tried to calm down but my anxiety was still bad which was weird because she's in front of me finally, but she doesn't want me and I feel so fucking far from her and that's what's making it worse. She doesn't feel like she wants to be here and I think she's about to tell me to leave her alone for good and i'm terrified.
She's in my apartment right now. I've waited so long to even see her and now she's in my home. The home that was supposed to be our home.
"Renny i'm sorry for everything. Jason threatened me and he didn't threaten you which is why I felt comfortable leaving you alone because I knew he only cared about killing me but whoever was around me when he decided to attack was collateral damage. He made that clear. That wasn't going to be you Renny. I don't regret making that decision purely because he shot me on my way into this building and I know there's a huge chance you would've been with me. And I-"
"You were shot?" She breathlessly asked and I nodded but shook my head after.
"Yes but that wasn't the point-" "When? Are you okay? Were you in the hospital?" "I was fine, that one just hit my leg-" "That one?"
I tried to calm down my fidgeting as I stood in front of her in the living room.
"He shot me walking into the bar one day too which I know you also could've been with me for. We were always together. I know at least one of those instances you would have most likely been with me for and you would've gotten shot too. I couldn't risk it Renny, I had to leave. Just until I could..." "Kill him?" She whispered.
***
I watched the blood pouring out of his head and looked away, trying to keep breathing correctly as I closed my eyes.
"I'm so sorry baby, I did a bad thing."
***
"I know I do bad things. Jason's gone, yes. And I know i've hurt people and i've hurt you and for that I will always be fucking sorry. So sorry. And I know i'm going to hell if it's exists and you'll be far away in heaven if it's real so all I fucking want is to have you here. I will never have anything as good as you in my life and I will never love anything the way I love you. I just want to be able to love something good and you're better than good. You're everything to me and you're perfect in my eyes. You're fucking human sunshine Renny. I'm nothing but fucking darkness and you bring out whatever goodness I have left in me and I just...i'm just so fucking in love with you and I just want you to take me back Renny, I want you. I need you. I know you don't need me and that- that's okay. But I need you. And i'll be so good to you, you know I will. You know it."
She wiped at her face and that's when I realized she was crying. The site is so fucking hard to watch.
"I love you, you know that." She shakily started. "I just felt like this whole time I was battling so much shit and I thought you were just fine because you left me without a word in a hospital bed-" "After taking a bullet for me." I finished for her as I shook my head, pulling at my hair a little before I made myself stop while she's in front of me.
"I replayed that everyday in my head. You took a bullet for me. You were battling a fucking gunshot wound, an incredibly serious one at that, and you were also battling losing our baby and it sent me spiraling that I left you during that because who fucking does that except a selfish piece of fucking shit? I wasn't letting myself remember that I was trying to keep you safe because regardless of that, that was one of the worst things I could've done to you. And i'm sorry Renny, I never wanted to leave you." I pleaded with her and she nodded, wiping tears as she looked out of the glass of the balcony door.
She sniffed as a confused look etched on her face.
"What's on the door?" She asked quietly.
Fuck no. Not now.
"It's nothing. Now please talk to me. Tell me how you felt or how you feel."
She didn't, she looked at me before walking to the door and trying to open it with no luck.
"Is it bolted shut?"
I ran my hand over my face and nodded.
"Tyson did that. It was stupid." "Can you explain? Don't you smoke out there sometimes?"
Her voice was so soft right now it felt like butter. But it also felt timid to me. And that I didn't like.
"Yeah...I just had a little anxiety one night, broke down and went out there. He thought I was trying to jump so he...you know, he bolted it."
She looked at me with scared eyes and now I wanted to fucking jump off of it.
"Harry what? Were you?" "No I-" "Don't lie to me."
I ran my fingers through my hair i'm frustration and sighed.
"It's been hard Renny! I can't get through a single fucking night without anxiety since leaving you. I break down and I freak out and I drown myself in whiskey or I punch that fucking bag until I bleed, just anything to drown out the nerves. I can't get through nights without you. These last few months were worse because the first few, I knew Jason was still alive so I couldn't have you but when he died and I realized I was blocked, I knew you hated me and it's been fucking torture to sit here and soak in the fact that the person I love most in the world, hates my fucking guts. So yeah, I'd have rather died then realize I most likely won't have you again because yes Renny, I know you don't need me but I need you and I always have. I needed you then and I need you now and i'll need you until the day I die because you're fucking oxygen to me. The only reason I didn't let my drunken anxiety ridden state of mind throw me off of that balcony was because I made myself believe a piece of you would be hurt because I know it would've. I had already done enough. I wasn't putting that on you too."
I knew there were tears glossing in my eyes and the fidgeting I was doing was obvious. But she's finally here and I just need her to know it all in case I never get to again.
"Every decision I make is for you. I bought picture frames and shit to make the place more homey in case you came back because you told me it's not personal enough here. I left you because I wanted you safe even though being stabbed in the fucking eye balls would've been less painful. I didn't walk into your work all those times I was outside when I would get anxious because I knew it might not be best for you or what you wanted. But then Tyson called me a pussy so I just did it but point is, I always think of you. And i'm sorry. So sorry. I want you. I want us. I still want a house in Maine, I still want those babies with you, I still want to marry you...I still want you." I breathed in short breathes as I finished and sat on the couch, trying to calm myself, realizing many people wouldn't be able to tell how much i'm panicking right now but I know she's always been good at seeing it unfortunately.
Suddenly her hands were taking mine out of my
lap as she straddled me and put her hands on the side of my face.
She's sitting in my lap right now. In my house. On my couch.
She had tear stained cheeks and her hair had gotten so long, something I only noticed in this moment.
"Everything's okay. I can tell you're anxious but everything is fine okay? I do not hate your guts, I love the fuck out of you actually."
I nodded, feeling like I could die happy with her in my lap and her soft hands on my face.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry Gerald did all of that and i'm sorry Jason threatened you and i'm sorry you've gone through all of this alone-" "Stop. You're not about to sit here and apologize to me
when you've done nothing."
She slowly nodded and let her hands rub down the sides of my neck, just the foreign yet familiar feeling of it giving me chills.
"I would've brought you back to life just to kill you myself if you had jumped off of that fucking balcony." She whispered and I shook my head. "I wasn't gonna do that...I was just fucked up. And anxious. I'm sorry."
My hands finally touched her hips and felt like my body just fell into relaxation at the touch. It was like a weight lifted to hear she doesn't hate me and she does still love me.
We stayed like that in comfortable silence for a minute before I spoke.
"When did you almost relapse?" I whispered incredibly quietly in nervousness that she might get triggered, but her hands kept their
feather light movements on my neck as mine gently rubbed over her hips.
"A few days after Tyson took me home from being outside of your door." She quietly admitted, not looking me in the eye.
Tears pricked at my eyes at the thought of her wanting to use after that.
"I just...I felt like if you had heard me so low like that...and didn't come out, then I had really fucked up somewhere. Or you didn't love me anymore...I don't know, I also thought maybe after seeing me like that when you found me at Gerald's...I thought maybe you thought they had done things to me and maybe you didn't want me or want to touch me anymore and I promise they didn't do anything like that-"
I couldn't take it anymore, hearing the heinous shit that went through her head for all these months. The bullshit thoughts that forced its way into her head and a piece of her believed. No wonder she couldn't fucking stand me, I would've hated me if I was her and thought all those or even some of those things were true.
It brought tears to my eyes, me wiping one from my face as I grabbed her face this time.
"Look at me right now Renny. No. No. God no. I could never look at you differently and I especially didn't after getting you out of that place. I can't believe you thought that I didn't want you or want to touch you, that has never even been a thought in my mind. That could never be a thought in my mind. You are perfect to me baby. You could do the most heinous fucked up shit in the world and I would still worship at your feet. You can do no fucking wrong in my eyes. And everything that happened to you was not your fault, if anything it was mine, and you did nothing wrong. I have never looked at you differently for what happened. Not even for a second. Okay?"
She nodded but she wouldn't look me in the eye, instead just looked down and nodding.
"Hey look at me..." I tried to gently make her face look up and she eventually did with a sigh and wiped her eyes.
"I love you. Okay? I tried my fucking hardest to get to that door that night...that was one of the most painful things i've ever had to do was leave you outside that door. And i'm so fucking sorry. I had just gotten shot and got shot again a few weeks later so i'm happy to know at least I did that for a reason and I like to think it kept you safe because to think that it all happened for no reason just makes me wanna burn everything to the ground. I know this all happened for some fucked up reason."
She nodded but didn't say anything for a minute.
"We live some pretty fucked up lives you know?" She whispered and I sighed.
"Yeah...unfortunately we do. And i've definitely only made yours more fucked up-" "You've made mine more normal Harry. I got shot when I was little, that was not some crazy new thing and at least this time it was for a reason-" "There was no fucking reason Renny, don't say that." "There was a reason. It was gonna hit you in the chest and we both know it."
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.
"I would've been fine-" "No you wouldn't have. A bullet to the heart doesn't exactly leave you alive."
I pulled her closer to me, wanting to kiss her chest and her neck and just give her all of this love i've been desperately overflowing with for her for months but I don't know where we're at yet. Or if we'll even be at that kind of place again.
"Fine...but don't you ever put your life in danger for mine again. If you died, I was gonna go with you so it would've just been a waste of a fucking great life for you. So don't do it again. Not that i'd ever let there be a position for that to even happen again though."
She made my face look at her and her brows were furrowed and her face was so fucking pretty.
"When did you become so..." "Suicidal?" I laughed and she glared at me. "Well I found something to live for and I don't want to live without you now." I shrugged and she sighed.
"You will not take your own life for me...if that's how you really feel or if that's what you know will happen then i'm not gonna be with you again Harry. That's not...healthy." "No. Don't do that. Don't you do that. I'm allowed to fucking love you as much as I want and how I love you is my decision. I can live without you Renny, i've been doing it. It's just fucking miserable. I don't live, I survive. Who wants a life like that? So yeah, i'm on some Romeo and Juliet shit but if I took a bullet for you, which I would, you're telling me you'd be fine? Because I know you wouldn't be."
She groaned which oddly made the tiniest smile form on my face for the first time in a while and I tugged her closer.
Of fucking course, my phone rang in my pocket, making me want to literally unalive whoever is interrupting us.
I breathed out an annoyed sigh and kept her on my lap as I dug in my pocket and grabbed it.
She's on my fucking lap. Didn't think i'd be saying that ever again.
'Corrin Sanders (BRKLYN INV)'
A new investor of the casino. Why in the fuck is this man calling me so late?
"Do you need to answer?" Her soft voice asked as I pressed decline. "No. Just an investor."
She nodded as I threw my phone on the couch.
"Kinda late isn't it?" "My thoughts exactly." "Answer." She shrugged. "I'm kind of in the middle of something. I'd rather not talk to a 21 year old rich and entitled douchebag investor. He's probably shit faced."
She smirked and nodded.
"Investor in what?"
This feels so fucking familiar. Her sitting in my lap, innocently asking me questions except now I can finally say the complete truth.
"You know the upcoming building on the other side of the city?" "I think Mav said something about seeing a lot of construction over there a couple of months ago."
Mav. Fuck that guy.
"Well, that's mine. Well, it's mine, Tyson and Edie's." "Wait, what?" "I'm selling the bar, I shut down the illegal casino and now i'm opening a legal one. There's a lot of anticipation for one closer to the city so-" "You're the fucking upcoming casino that's on the paper everyday?"
I smirked and nodded.
"Yeah...I was a little fucking exhausted of all the illegal shit and dangerous situations. Not that legal casinos are void of dangerous people and situations because they aren't but...they're not bad. They're a breeze if anything."
She nodded with a small smile and I sighed, ready to get back to us.
"I'm proud of you. That's actually really nice to hear. I also miss Edie." She whispered.
I'm proud of you.
"Yeah well, i'm really fucking proud of you. And he misses you too....talks about you often actually."
She smiled sheepishly and looked off. I know she's not ready for us to be the same again and I can see it. I get it, but it's just scary.
Am I coming off too strong right now? I mean I know she's in my lap but she did that on her own.
"I'm sorry you've been so low." She whispered before looking back at me with watery eyes which I wasn't expecting at all. "Hey...baby that's not your fault. Shit I keep saying baby, sorry."
She chuckled but the tears were still in her eyes.
"It's okay...sounds normal coming out of your mouth."
A fucking boost of serotonin.
"Good...and i'm sorry for everything. Once again. I know I keep saying it but I am. And i'm sorry for saying i'd kill anyone you fucked but I would. I don't do illegal shit in terms of business anymore but i'm still insane on my own."
She let out an actual laugh and it made me so fucking happy to hear.
"Yeah you held some guys at gunpoint in a Vegas bathroom because you were horny. That's when I knew you were actually insane."
I laughed at the memory of that, happy she still remembers that trip so intently like I do.
"That was a bitter sweet trip." I mumbled and she hummed with a smile. "Got choked out by a crazy guy and not in the good way but..." "You also got choked out in a good way so maybe it evened out?"
She laughed again but rolled her eyes making me tug her more against me again.
"Yeah sure. It evened out."
If i'm being honest, I didn't get myself off at all until the last few months and it was only to her and mainly to memories of that trip. And to the last time we had sex which is honestly my favorite time we've ever fucked. I don't know why. Sometimes I think it's because she was pregnant and we didn't know it and maybe that just made it feel so emotionally intense. It was just so fucking nice.
We were quiet again for a second before I hummed, realizing one thing I had never told her and it's ate me up inside more than I realized. Not because of what I did, but because I kept it from her.
"You know that day Cyril stayed here with you?"
She nodded and I sighed.
"I went to handle the bullshit with you know who but...I also handled some shit with someone else. I just never told you."
She looked confused so I sighed and elaborated.
"Your foster dad. I found him and...I paid him a visit." I admitted and her eyes widened but she didn't look mad, just shocked.
"Okay..." As if to say 'continue please'. "And I fucked him up pretty bad...if i'm being honest. He was fine...I mean like he lived. I just got pissed the more I thought about what you had to go through as a kid and I wanted to give him even a fraction of pain so I did." I admitted and she took a deep breathe.
"You should've told me...I would've given you a huge thanks actually. You didn't have to hide that from me."
Truth is I was worried she'd be upset that I took that into my own hands because the one time I asked who he was, she wouldn't tell me.
"Can I admit something else?" "Sureee." She smirked and I took a deep breathe.
"When you would stay with me, I would notice when you'd take your birth control. You would get alarms and take it and I always noticed. Every time we fucked and I remembered you didn't take it, I wouldn't say anything. And no, I wasn't trying to fucking trap you or whatever they say, I didn't know skipping a day would do anything. I did always get excited at the thought of having a baby with you though and would oddly happen to give you so much more cum when I came, I guess because you hadn't taken i-" "Harry." She interrupted with a laugh and wide eyes. I nodded. "Right, sorry, we don't talk like that now." I took a deep breathe, trying to remember I can't talk like that to her now.
We were silent for another minute but she was in my lap and more so right on my thigh, and i'm wearing shorts.
This is seriously not the fucking time for this shit because I could feel her. You know how they say you can feel the fucking heartbeat feeling in a pussy when it's in your lap or your thigh? They're not lying. And I feel her. She's a little horny.
Fucks sake, i'm getting a hard on. And she's sitting on me.
Suddenly her eyes went back to mine with a small smirk.
"Okay yes i'm getting hard but that's only because I can feel the throbbing in your pus-" I stopped myself and cleared my throat. "You know."
She widened her eyes and started to get off of my lap but I pushed her to sit back down.
"That was not an invitation to get up." "Well your, you know, is kind of trying to poke its way into places." "Ohh, my cock, yeah. It is. Sorry, he hasn't seen a woman in almost a year. He gets overly excited at the smallest things."
She rolled her eyes and tried not to laugh but I could still feel her throbbing.
"So tell me one more time, no action for you since me?" "You are the exact same you know that?" She mumbled with a smirk and I nodded, licking my lips. "I still fuck the same too. Probably even more heated now that it's been so long. If, you know, you wanted to take my new found virginity."
I was smirking at her and I saw her nipples harden through her shirt. Need my mouth around those.
"Now you're just painfully hard." "You really have no idea."
She sighed and sat up, making me want to literally cry but then I remembered how much this will hurt if she has sex with me but doesn't let me be with her again.
I'd rather no sex than having to go through that.
"Actually wait..." I told her and she furrowed her brows and sat back on my lap, on my dick actually, keeping it nice and warm and painfully erect.
"I can't fuck." "I never said yes." "I know...i'm just saying." She nodded but suddenly she looked deep in thought.
"Why?"
She's got so few words tonight. It's unlike her.
"Because I love you and I want you as mine again. If I can't have that, I can't have sex with you. No matter how painfully bad I want to. It's gonna be hell to have you like that and then watch you leave, not knowing when i'm gonna see you again. That's not how I work with you and trust me that's fucking frustrating. I'm never gonna be able to fuck after you, you know that? Tyson even invited me to try and have a threesome with him and Gianna just so I could try-" "You fucked Gianna?" She practically yelled, shocking me but I just shook my head with a smile.
"No. But glad to know you'd care." "Was she going to fuck you?" She asked with furrowed brows and she looked pissed, making me even more content. "I think that was all Tyson babe, I doubt she would have-" "Would you have?" "No. I told him no. I certainly wouldn't fuck a friend of yours. And I didn't wanna stick my dick in Tysons ass, I must be honest."
She rolled her eyes, seeming annoyed.
"He should've mentioned that when he fucking came by." She mumbled but that had my full attention as I sat up. "And she's kinda fake for that." "Baby you joked about threesomes with me and Tyson." I pointed out and she glared at me. "Yeah before they were ever together. After her I joked about orgys so she could be involved. Which was all a joke also."
I hummed and smirked, running her hips at her explanation.
"Right, right." I nodded and she sighed.
She ran her fingers through my hair and licked her lips.
"Doesn't matter." "You're wanting to fuck, I can see it. I stand firm on what I said though."
I'm painfully hard and want nothing more than to finally have this girl again but i'm not letting my dick think for me. She means way too fucking much to me.
"Okay...so then let's fuck. And while we're at it...I mean we can try out the whole being together thing again." She whispered as if she wasn't sure she should say it out loud and i'm convinced my ears played a trick on me.
I sat up and rubbed her thighs.
"Are you saying this because you're horny or because you forgive me and you want to be with me again?" "I never didn't want to be with you Harry, that was kind of the point. I'm the one that got left and before you plead your case again, I heard you and I forgive you because it makes sense now. Everything does. And I feel like we both got a lot off our chest and we both got some clarity. And I miss you. I wasn't going to even attempt to fuck but you're the one who had to go and say you felt me on your lap which you don't-" "I feel the heart beat of your pussy Renny, I can't even lie about that. My cock trying it's hardest to push into you through these shorts right now is a direct result of me feeling that. Can't help it."
She smirked and nodded before her hand was gently grabbing my neck and kissing me.
Oh yeah, it's over with.
I'm fucking this girl.
Correction. I'm fucking my girl.