A week later, Y/N went to Shiganshina with Levi. While on the train, Y/N thought about everything going on around her.
Almost four months had passed since their return to Paradis, which had gone too fast. Y/N almost immediately began to work, which lasted three months. Working in the clinic gave her an understanding of what is happening around. She began to understand people better.
From the first days of work, her colleagues looked at her suspiciously, some even spoke out in her direction, but... this didn't last long. She quickly earned their respect as a talented doctor and an honest person. She didn't quarrel with them, didn't argue, didn't try to prove something. She just did everything in her power, she did her job. In the end, many in her surroundings - her patients and colleagues realized that what was happened - in the past for each of them. That the whole world suffered from The Rumbling, and... that what Eren did could be considered right or wrong, the only thing that mattered was how they lived on. Y/N often liked to say that «it doesn't matter where the help comes from, as long as it's selfless and will benefit both parties»
When she left, she was surprised at how many of her colleagues regretted her departure. Many people said that she was a talented doctor, that they would like to work with her to find out what she knew. What it was a pleasure to work with her. But Y/N understood that it was an «easy» way. Work in a clinic in the Capital. It won't change anything for her. And what she had already achieved was already enough. It was necessary to continue.
She quit her job because Historia told her about the development of the Underground City project. Namely, they planned to open a hospital down there. This would help the lower ranks of the population. Upon hearing this idea, Y/N immediately proposed her candidacy. And... Historia made her the head doctor, trusting the girl. They had talked a lot over the past months, Historia knew in detail what had happened since they had last seen each other. They resumed their Saturday meetings, only now they were always joined by Sasha, and sometimes by Hitch. Niccolo always worked on Saturday, and Sasha was bored at home alone. They formed a kind of «club», where they talked about everything, leaving global problems at the door.
Historia talked about her family, which the girls always touched. Historia's husband didnt like the Capital, preferring to spend time in their countryside residence. He was a simple man, and all these palace dramas were foreign to him. But from time to time he still appeared in the palace. He wasn't very outgoing, but... he loved Historia, you could tell by the way he looked at her. Their family was often a topic for «tenderness».
Sasha also spoke about her life with Niccolo, about what he had cooked for her this week, about how his work in the restaurant went, about how they dreamed of a better life together. They wanted to find an apartment closer to the palace, and Niccolo wanted to open his own restaurant, in which Sasha undoubtedly supported him. When Historia began to ask Sasha about the «development» of their relationship, marriage, family... Sasha blushed, but replied that they didn't discuss it yet, realizing that both were too busy and too young for this. They were comfortable together, and Y/N supported Sasha. Y/N didn't see anything special in marriage, her parents were never married, but lived together for over 20 years, being faithful to each other. And the children... they were all too young for this, only Historia decided on it... But, they were all different, and saw their life differently. That was the beauty of their conversations - different points of view.
About different points of view... If Historia and Sasha were in a stable long-term relationship, Hitch was on a completely different end of the spectrum, meeting someone new every week. She was still looking for someone who would hook her, but... so far, it had been unsuccessful. Historia, Sasha, and Y/N were very fond of hearing about Hitch's adventures, and especially her «research» on men. She was very straightforward, asking all her questions without shame, using all her charm and beauty. She was very enlightened in many things regarding relationships, but at the same time... couldn't find a permanent partner, which, although frustrating, she quite liked to go on two or three dates and end it.
As for Y/N, she talked a lot about Marley, about her work, about experience, but not about personal, although she was often asked about it. She didn't deny that she was alone, nor did she deny that she might want to be with someone, but... not in the same way as Hitch. She didn't want to waste time on something that wouldn't work. Her time was already very valuable. And... she was pleased with the fact that Sasha and Historia supported her in this. But not Hitch, who called her to «get acquainted» with her in the evenings. A couple of times Y/N even went with her, and after drinking a couple of glasses «for free», she went home. Alone. All these «mannered» men, who sometimes behaved too unnaturally, strained her. She didn't see anything real in them, and she didn't want to deal with it.
Y/N spoke about her «personal problems» with only two people - Levi, who witnessed her «problems», and Damian, who knew about her «broken heart». However, after a while, she stopped speaking to them as well. She admitted that she felt better. She still occasionally thought of Armin. For example, when she began renovations in the library, she sorted through the books. And she found a book about the «outside» world. That day she didn't go anywhere, sitting in her room, leafing through this book and crying. She remembered how they dreamed together of a better life, of the world... How he embrace her that day... Y/N struggled with thoughts of how much she wished she could return to the life she had lost. She knew it was wrong. Levi had always told her that living in the past was a bad thing and that she had to let it all go or she would just torture herself and not live. He has always been right. Talking to him helped her cope with her pain, and she felt better, but... she still couldn't let go of Armin.
She sat alone, looking out the train window at the passing cities, forests... Levi and Damian were sitting across the aisle, discussing work in the royal council. They have developed a mutual respect for each other in recent months. Damian used to be terrified of Levi, seeing him as basically a creepy person who could kill anyone if he had to. But, after talking with him, he understood why Y/N valued his company - he saw in him more than just a soldier. He was an experienced man with his own history, with his own experience. He understood why the scouts used to respect him so much, no matter how tough, strict and repulsive he was. He was a responsible and obligatory person, who knew how to discard the personal when it was needed. His experience really helped their work in the royal council, especially in the part of the Underground City project.
Levi used to think of Damian as a kid who didn't take anything seriously, who liked to hang around Y/N. But he saw more in him - he was educated, and took his work seriously, although sometimes his frivolous and playful side was shown. However, he performed his duties to the fullest.
And both of them took care of Y/N, each in their own way.
Damian and Y/N saw each other often, spending several nights a week together in city, sometimes with colleagues Damian and Hitch, and sometimes just the two of them. They were comfortable with each other, but... it was nothing more than friendship. Damian began to calmly tell Y/N about his encounters with the «ladies», which amused Y/N. She loved listening to his stories. They were best friends, although it was strange... Many people said that the friendship between a boy and a girl can't be real, and that Y/N and Damian were only fooling themselves by not dating, but... It really wasn't something more, than just a close friendship. They knew each other from a young age, and Y/N saw in him a part of the life that she had lost so long ago, and she was glad that she had him, he reminded her of that Y/N that hadn't been for a long time . That Y/N who could fall in love with Damian, who wanted to follow in her father's footsteps. They were each other's best friends, but they were too different to be together, now they both knew it.
After quit her job, Y/N spent several hours with Levi every day. Mostly at this time they were engaged in physiotherapy with tea breaks. A month since he first got back on his feet, he was making great strides - standing no longer hurt, and he could slowly take a few steps himself, with the help of a cane. However, later on his legs still let him down. Therefore, the wheelchair was still with him. Y/N was pleased with the result, she was fully aware that only closer to winter would he be able to completely say goodbye to the wheelchair. Ever since he first got on his feet, he has moved out of the palace, finding it redundant. Y/N understood his desire - he wanted to regain his independence from other people as soon as possible. Historia helped him find an apartment near the palace so he could come to work. She also provided him with several guards to help him get to and from work. This annoyed him greatly, but for the time being Y/N drove him to work, because so far she didn't have a job. But then - it will be done by Historia's people, which didn't please him. In the company of Y/N, he wasn't annoyed by the fact that she helped him, he was pleased with her care and her company.
They arrived in Shiganshina at lunch time, leaving the Capital early in the morning. Leaving the train, Y/N looked at the city. The consequences of what happened here more than a year ago were still visible around. Some of the buildings had already been rebuilt, while others were still fenced off. Shiganshina was a simpler city than the Capital, it still didn't begin to conduct electricity and full-fledged sewer systems, which were now carried out in the cities of the former wall Sina.
- «I'll go find out how we can get to Mikasa's house», Damian said as he walked towards the group of guards, leaving Y/N and Levi behind.
Ever since it was all over and the military structures had lost their key figures, everything was managed by the royal council, namely through the royal guard. At the moment, at the head of the military structures was one of the old generals of the Garrison, who retired long before the start of all the events four years ago. He only performed his duties, refusing to take up the position in full - he was already old and was only waiting for a person who was ready to take this place. The military police still performed their duties, as before - maintaining public order. The garrison was responsible for providing the lands with the necessary means - food, building materials, medicines and other necessary assistance. Basically, it was the officers of the Garrison who were engaged in rebuilding the destroyed buildings after the collapse of the walls. Scouts... there was practically no one left of them after their commander and their comrades began to be called traitors. However, the Survey corps itself didn't disappear, but was transformed into something else - it was the «scouts» who were now engaged in social activities related to interaction with Hizuru, and also engaged in international espionage, observing the situation in different parts of the world. And... the royal guards participated in the activities of each of the units, reporting on what was happening to the royal council. According to Damian, this will continue until the top of the military structures are again established on a permanent basis.
- «You're kind of thoughtful today, Y/N», Levi told her.
- Yeah, you know... I remember the last time I was here... Its like a lifetime has passed since then... Sometimes, looking back and thinking about what happened... Titans, walls... as if it was a nightmare... My mind is still has denied the fact that it was something...
- You cant understand what it was?
- I cant explain it... Back then, when Eren summoned us to this strange place... I... I don't believe in magic, Levi, but this... what was that?
- Don't think about it. It's in the past. There is no more of this.
- «That's right. Our simple everyday world, in which everything can be explained», Y/N answered him, looking at the city with a smile.
- I still would argue that everything can be explained.
- And what, in your opinion, can't be explained?
- As you said yourself - human feelings.
- And again... you're right.
They looked into each other's eyes, each considering their own problem. Y/N thought about her feelings for Armin, which didn't leave her no matter how hard she tried. She didn't want to love him, she dreamed of hating him for everything that was, but her heart decided otherwise. She often thought that she needed to find a way to forget him, and even if it took her years for this method to work, she was ready to go for it. She really couldn't explain why she couldn't let go of these feelings and move on... What was stopping her... she couldn't say.
With what warmth in her eyes she looked at him... Levi increasingly thought about how he feels when she was near. He was comfortable in her company. Calm. He certainly trusted her. In everything. How much she did for him... He appreciated her. He wanted to see her happy, to see a sincere smile on her face. She was beautiful, especially when she smiled. He admitted to himself that what he had was enough for him. Her company, her care. He didn't need anything else. Only her company, in which he could drop his «guard» and be who he is. Be frank and honest. Levi only wanted the best for Y/N, wanted her to get over her problems, to live the life she wanted, to... find someone and forget Armin. Sometimes he thought that if he were younger, then...
- «I found us a car, let's go», said Damian, returning to them. «Mikasa lives somewhere closer to the ruined walls. Far from the center, but still - the presence of cars makes everything easier»
It took them fifteen minutes to get there. Mikasa lived in a small two-story house on the outskirts. The house looks brand new and there were some flower pots next to the door. Y/N approached the house, knocking on the door. A minute later the door opened.
- Y/N?
- Mika...
The girls embraced with a smile after a long separation. They both missed each other. Pulling back, Mikasa turned her attention to her other guests. She remembered Damian, he brought her messages from Historia. She smiled sweetly at him in greeting. Then she walked over to Levi.
- Hi...
She took his hand. He gently squeezed her hand in return.
- How are you, Mikasa?
- I'm coping. You?
- I'm doing it too.
They nodded to each other, holding out their hands.
- «Let's go inside», Mikasa said as she invited them in. «I just cooked lunch and...»
- «I, unfortunately, cant stay», said Damian. «There's a little problem with the supply of materials to the city... but I'll be back for dinner if you accept me», he smiled sweetly at Mikasa.
- Oh sure. I understand.
He bowed to the girls and, together with the car, headed back to the station.
***
Mikasa served them lunch - tea, salad and warm rice with vegetables and spices. The food was quite simple but tasty. Mikasa told them about her life. This house was built on the spot where their house once stood, where they grew up with Eren. She cooked the dishes that she taught her to cook Carla - Eren's mother. She talked about what she was doing - basically she helped rebuild the city after the destruction. She worked on a par with the rest, without drawing attention to herself.
And, although they hadn't seen each other for almost a year and a half, Mikasa didn't say much. She was still as laconic as before. Y/N could see the sadness in the girl's eyes, even if she had a soft smile on her face. However, Y/N was happy to see that Mikasa was fine, that she was healthy and not forgotten in her feelings of grief. She understood that Eren was more than just family to her. She loved him with all her heart. He was everything to her. The dearest person. And not only the loss of him brought her pain, but also how his life ended.
Y/N sat silently, watching Mikasa as she and Levi discussed what was going on in the Capital. She was glad she brought Levi. Looking at them, she definitely noticed something in common. Although their relationship was very distant, some of their mannerisms were very similar. Y/N could definitely highlight general secrecy, closeness of emotions, reticence, outward coldness, detachment. But she also knew that both Mikasa and Levi were quite interesting people if you knew them well enough. And it wasn't surprising that they were quite comfortable in each other's company.
After having lunch, Mikasa said that she needed to go to the market. She told Y/N and Levi where and what was in her house and left, leaving them alone. Y/N rolled Levi's chair into the backyard of the house, where there was a small table with chairs. And they started doing physical therapy.
Standing up on his own, Levi walked a couple of steps on his own, leaning on a cane, and then asked Y/N to help him continue.
- Always so... hard to hold on...
- You need to develop muscles, you spent a year in a wheelchair, the muscles practically atrophied, this is the biggest problem.
- You said something about how to speed up the process. What ideas do you have?
- There are a couple. We'll try one when we go to the coast.
- I still don't understand the meaning of this, what we should do there.
- You know, in one of the books of those doctors who deal with such cases, I found an interesting idea. How people were taught to walk again. With the help of water.
- Water?
- Water has a different density and it pushes everything up. And salt water makes it even stronger, so...
- No, we'd rather walk like this than...
- Come on, it might advance the process.
- I will not go into the water, especially the salty one, for whom do you take me, there are in this...
- Germs and bacteria, dirt, I understand... But... This is a good option. I won't force you, but please think about it, okay?
She helped him sit up, and smiled softly at him, looking for understanding in his eyes. He looked at her, a little annoyed, but with a sigh he calmed down.
- Okay. But don't get your hopes up.
- Like I need it, not you.
***
In the evening Damian returned as promised, but said that he would have to work during the days they were here. He said that on the spot, things, as it turned out, are a little different than on paper, which he reads every day in the palace.
Y/N and Mikasa cooked dinner and they all had a good time together, talking mostly about what was going on. Y/N and Levi told Mikasa about what was going on in Marley, trying not to touch the painful «memories».
Mikasa's house was quite small, so Damian had to leave for the military headquarters, which he wasn't particularly upset about, because it would be more convenient to work from there, but he promised to come in for lunch. Levi was placed in the guest bedroom, while Mikasa and Y/N decided to share the bed Mikasa used to sleep in.
Left alone, the girls finally started talking like they used to. They got into bed and turned to face each other.
- Remember how we used to talk like that before going to bed when we were cadets?
- Yes... it seems like a whole life has passed...
- I liked talking to you, Y/N. I always wanted to talk to you, it seemed to me that you understand me.
- I understood, I also liked talking to you. You were my first girl-friend.
- Do you remember how we sometimes talked, and Sasha woke up abruptly and began to eat?
- Yes, how can I forget that.
The girls laughed quietly, remembering the past.
- How are you, Mikasa? You haven't answered any of the letters we've sent.
- I... I just couldn't find the strength to write something. Everyone asks how I feel, and I... and I cant say, what I feel. I understood that Historia would write one way or another that I was fine, and... therefore I didn't want to answer. It's... hard... trying to fully put your thoughts and feelings on paper...
- I can understand you... Sometimes... it's quite difficult to understand what you feel, or... why do you feel it and how to stop feeling it... So... How are you?
- I still miss him, Y/N... I... did he talk to you? He explained that...
- No, I... I know that he «picked up» the guys on the «paths», and talked to them, explained what and why... but not me... I think, because I already understood why he did it and why, and openly expressed my position... I know that sometimes Eren could speak beautifully, inspiring... but... it was beyond my strength to accept his actions...
- I understand... I... I also couldn't fully accept what happened... but... at that moment he showed me what would happen if I ran away with him then.. when we were in Marley and...
- When he left, he ran away from us, yes, I remember.
- We lived a simple life... as we lived in childhood... we went to collect firewood, berries, we did everything with our hands... a quiet life... and it was wonderful, but...
- But?
- Four years. That's all we would have. And the war... the war would go on.
- And what do you think?
- I still can't stop thinking - did we have any other options? Could we save the world and Eren?
- Mikasa... you know, Levi likes to say one thing to me – stop living in the past... I get it... it doesn't sound right, but... after everything I've been through... now I realize that those are the right words... I'm not saying the its right thing to forget the past, but... to live, thinking «what would happen if» is not life, Mika... Thinking about it now, we wont change the past, we wont be able to turn back time... If it were possible, but everything would be otherwise.
- But how can I... this is... Eren...
- Believe me, Mikasa... I would also like to change a lot in my past, I would like to do a lot differently, and not do something at all, but... these are my decisions, my mistakes... and I go further with them, carrying this experience on my shoulders.
Y/N took Mikasa's hand, gently squeezing her palm, seeing tears in her friend's eyes.
- Don't keep it to yourself, Mika... cry if you want. I will always be there if needed...
And she cried. Y/N hugged her friend as she trembled so quietly in tears. Y/N stroked her head, whispering calm words, trying to give her friend a sense of security and comfort. So they fell asleep.
***
Y/N woke up first. Mikasa was sleeping peacefully next to her, her face slightly red from yesterday's tears. Y/N would like to stay here with her so she can help Mikasa deal with the pain of losing Eren. Y/N reflected on her feelings, from longing for her father to wanting to take a shower and freshen up.
She pondered all that had happened to her since her peaceful life had ended. And she finally understood where the starting point was - the breakthrough of the wall in Shiganshina. Then everything changed. Her father began to work more, his health was getting worse. And then - he died. She became part of the Survey Corps, having found a new family in the form of Commander Erwin, Hange and... oddly enough, Levi. A shy smile appeared on her face as she remembered how she was afraid of him in the first months of their acquaintance. How strict he was with her, how he punished her for sneaking somewhere alone, doing what wasnt supposed to. How she stole one of his knives, which he ended up giving her, and which she always carried with her. Thinking about what their relationship was like in the beginning and what it was like now... she couldn't believe it was true. And now she understood that now she knew the real Levi, and not that frightening Captain, who was still feared in the palace.
And then there was the cadet corps... Sometimes Y/N thought, what would have happened if she had stayed with the scouts then? They would have been able to teach her everything and... she would have entered the Survey corps the same way Levi and his friends once got there - bypassing the cadet corps... But... she wouldn't know what would have happened in this case... In the cadet corps, everything has changed for her... she made friends for the first time... she... fell in love... And all this still haunted her... Not the loss of her father, not the loss of Erwin... but it was love that hit her the hardest.
Mikasa started to wake up. Y/N looked at her, thinking, do all people feel the same love? And how in this case to understand that you love someone? It was a very difficult question even for an internal dialogue.
- You're not sleeping anymore, Y/N?
- Good morning, Mika. How did you sleep?
- Surprisingly good. Calmly and... without dreams.
- I also like nights without dreams, less frustration in the morning.
- Do you have bad dreams?
- Well, more like some fragments from the past or... recurring dreams that... are trying to hint at something to me, but I don't know what, and I start to think a lot and eventually... get annoyed.
- I also often dream about the past... how we lived here as a child, how we were in the cadet corps, how... we were in the Survey corps... it's hard...
- What are our plans today?
- I want to go to Eren. Will you come with me?
- I'll go, I don't know about Levi. You better ask him yourself, he will definitely refuse me.
- You have a good relationship with him, I noticed that he trusts you in everything.
- This year in Marley... wasn't an easy one for both of us, and it brought us closer. I don't know what that means, but... I've known him for almost ten years... no matter how difficult he is, I won't leave him, he's dear to me, I can't deny it.
- You did a lot for him... You know, your selflessness always surprised me, because you helped everyone... did everything that was in your power and... never demanded anything in return... and never asked for help...
- You know... it's bad not to ask for help, now I understand it...
***
Mikasa washed up and went to prepare breakfast, while Y/N headed to the shower. After that, after changing, she went to see Levi, who was sitting in his pajamas on his bed, his legs dangling, and on his face a displeased expression.
- Something happened?
- Leg hurts.
- One or both?
- My knee.
Y/N sat down on her knees in front of him, touching his leg, lifting the pant leg.
- It could have been foreseen. There was a load and... you can't get up?
- I can, but... it hurts unpleasantly, even when I bend my leg while sitting.
- Looks like you're staying at home today. I will now apply an elastic compress to fix the joint - it will help.
She straightened his pajamas and stood up.
- Okay, thanks, Y/N.
- My pleasure. Would you be offended if we left you alone?
- Are you going somewhere?
- Yeah... Mikasa wants to go to Eren's grave.
- Go, I'll stay.
- Have you thought about my idea?
- Go ahead and think about it.
She smiled at him and went for an elastic compress.
***
As planned, Levi stayed at home. And Y/N and Mikasa went to the grave to Eren, and Damian joined them. He made the girls laugh along the way, talking about how careless officers are in Shiganshina. Along the way, Damian lagged behind them a little, and the girls started talking about their own again.
- Y/N, I understand that in those last four years, we... we were not on the best of terms, but you always... always supported me when you were around and... I want everything to be like this again... I'm sorry that I... that we then moved away from each other and...
- Mika, don't worry, okay? What happened in those years... wasn't easy for everyone, but now we can again be friends as before.
- May I have a personal question?
- Of course.
- Back in Marley... you wrote that you all stick to each other... did this also apply to Armin?
- No. It had nothing to do with him. I talked a lot with the others, but not with him. And not with Annie, for obvious reasons, I think.
- You never said what... what happened between you.... at least you didn't say it directly
- You know, there's nothing to talk about. I understand that Armin is your close friend and what is happening between us... although, no, nothing is happening between us anymore and I hope it will not happen... in any case, this shouldn't affect your friendship with him, you understand? That's why I don't want to talk about it... with you. Everything Eren told me about him was enough for me.
- What are you talking about? What did Eren say to you?
- «At some point, he guessed my feelings for Armin», Y/N said, and noticing the surprise on Mikasa's face, she quickly added. «Yes, yes, I have feelings for him that are far from just friendly, and yes, I'm trying to kill it»
- But why? Because Armin...
- Don't tell me that I'm also dear to him more than a friend, it's ridiculous.
- But its true... Ever since we were in the cadet corps... he never told me about his feelings for you, but I could see how he felt... I always thought that Eren knew for sure.
- «Mikasa, whatever it is... it doesn't matter now...», Y/N said softly, lowering her head, once again getting frustrated at the thought of Armin.
- «Y/N...?» Mikasa stepped closer to the girl, hugging her. «Tell me everything. Everything as it is»
- That's... too much to say, Mikasa.
- I want to know. I remember what you said to me when Eren ran away. About the fact that its better to lose a person through death than...
- I remember that too. And I still hold this opinion. After all, a dead person can no longer hurt you.
- Y/N...
- Actually, that's the main reason why I returned. I couldn't be there anymore. Couldn't.... be near him... He... Mikasa... I don't know... I don't understand him... I don't understand anymore... I don't understand how things got like this between us...
- You didn't talk to him?
- Then, when I thought I was going to die, it seemed to me that I told him the only important thing that I should have said a very long time ago, and... and then, I thought this would change everything... but it seemed like it only got worse... worse for me...
Tears began to form in Y/N's eyes from these thoughts.
- I told him everything, Mikasa. After four years of silence, I told him how I felt. That... that I love him. I... kissed him... but he didn't answer me... and then...
- Annie...
- Yeah...
- I'm sorry, Y/N. I didn't think that you... that you loved him... I thought that everything was a little different, and that then... that there was nothing between you then... that you forgave him and let him go... and... that's why I spoke to Annie then at the port... I found out about her feelings for him and... I just wanted someone to be happy when it was all over and...
- Don't make excuses, Mikasa. He is your friend, I understand that you wanted the best for him. You don't owe me anything, and in the end, they made their choice.
- And they were together?
- They're still together, if I'm not mistaken. That whole year, they were together, and... Armin didn't talk to me, he acted like... he didn't care. I felt so miserable... I often regret saying those words to him at all... maybe it wouldn't hurt me so much to see him with someone else... it's better... not to love at all than like this...
Tears were streaming down her cheeks again. They stopped in the middle of the road and Mikasa hugged her friend as she wept silently. Now Mikasa understood the meaning of Y/N's words... She loved Eren, and missed him, but... she wasn't hurt by these feelings. More than a year had passed since his death, and she no longer sobbed at the mere mention of him... Periodically she was sad, but... most often she simply yearned for him. And Y/N... her feelings were still fresh and the pain was also fresh... And every moment that she saw Armin with another brought her new pain, adding to the one she already had in her heart. They both loved, they both lost, but only Y/N hurt. She ran away from this pain, but... couldn't find salvation.
Damian returned with a bouquet of flowers. He thought that Mikasa would like such a gesture if they brought flowers to the grave. But he saw Y/N in upset feelings.
- «Y/N, what happened?» he asked, handing Mikasa the flowers.
- «Thank you Damian», Mikasa replied. «They're very beautiful...»
He smiled softly at her and hugged Y/N.
- Well, what is it? Why upset?
- «It's my fault, a bad topic of conversation», Mikasa said shyly.
- Armin?
- How do you...
- It's the only thing that upsets her to tears.
He stood, hugging Y/N, stroking her head. Y/N didn't hear them, immersed in her own thoughts, looking for a way to calm down and distract herself. And the only effective method was to return to Levi's words about loneliness, that she loves only the image of her friend, that... that living in the past is wrong... That she tortures herself with all these thoughts... How she dreamed of letting him go... to make those feelings disappear...
***
Having calmed down, they went to the grave to Eren. Mikasa buried what was left of him on a high hill under a tall tree. A small gravestone that no one knew about. Mikasa said she went to see him every day. What speaks to him.
They sat there for a couple of hours, remembering the past. Damian liked to listen to the girls, he learned a lot from Y/N's past, and got to know her friends. As they left, he took a picture of Y/N and Mikasa next to Eren's grave. Y/N told Mikasa that she was going to write Jean a letter to the mainland because of how abruptly she left. She wanted them to know that she was doing well. And... wanted to send «evidence». Mikasa liked the idea, so she didn't mind.
***
They spent a couple more days in Shiganshina. Unfortunately, Levi's knee got better only two days later, which made him very upset. And on this basis, he agreed to the «Y/Ns madness». His desire to get back on his feet and say goodbye to his wheelchair was stronger than his distaste for dirt and germs.
Y/N wanted Damian to go to the coast with them, as she felt she would need help with Levi, but... he couldn't. He was urgently summoned to the Capital, which even he wasn't happy about. But he arranged for them to be given housing on the coast and to be guarded just in case, which was clearly not superfluous. They planned to spend only two days on the coast, since Y/N understood that Levi couldn't stand it longer, and work was waiting for her in the Capital.
***
- No, I changed my mind. It's a bad idea.
- We have already arrived, it remains only to reach the beach...
- I don't want to go there.
- I took you loose clothes so that you can be comfortable in the water, and to change clothes later, please, let's try. It's just salt water.
- Do you want it yourself?
- I take it easy, you know. The hotel has a shower with hot water and, in fact, I don't see a problem.
- Okay.
They went to the beach. It was a cloudless day. It was already September, but it was still hot. Y/N put on one of her work outfits - a shirt and trousers. She also gave Levi a loose white shirt and loose trousers. She didn't even think about swimsuits - she understood that he would refuse, and it seemed to her that this would be unacceptable for him. And so she herself abandoned this idea. «We will be those strange people who swim in clothes»
It was a working week, and there weren't many people on the beach during the day. Y/N drove Levi in his wheelchair, giving him a bag of things. You could tell from Levi's look that he didn't like everything that was happening, but he was silent for Y/N's sake. He understood that she wanted what was best for him, that she was doing this for him, and that he himself agreed to this in the first place. Therefore, he decided to give «it» a chance, and then... perhaps he would start «being himself» again if the idea turned out to be so-so.
Y/N stopped far away from other people, close to the surf line. She took off her shoes, plunging her feet into the sand. A wonderful feeling. The sun warmed her skin nicely. Today the ocean was calm, but still - the ocean doesn't exist without waves. She sat down, touching the water.
- Cool, but it only seems because of the heat. Ready?
Levi was silent. He lowered her bag with things nearby on the sand, and began to stand up. It still didn't come easily to him, but he was already able to get up and sit down without help, as well as just stand. However, you could see from his face that it was still not easy.
- Lean on me until we get into the water, okay?
He took her hand a little hesitantly. Y/N also took hold of his hand, supporting him. As soon as the water touched his leg, he grunted in displeasure and exhaled noisily. He didn't like the feeling. He loved water, ordinary clean fresh water. But it... it wasn't water to him. It was a carrier of infection and germs. But he continued to walk slowly, often shifting from foot to foot, trying not to fall ahead of time.
They stopped when the water began to reach their chests. Levi took the last few steps without relying on Y/N at all, which surprised him quite a lot. Y/N released him and turned to face him.
- How are you? Tired?
- Make it quick, I don't like this.
- What a bore you are, it would be easier if you had at least a drop of adventurism.
He looked at her with an unhappy face, raising an eyebrow.
- Your adventures...
- You love them, admit it.
She looked at him, smiling sincerely, trying to cheer him up. She increasingly began to notice that he didn't particularly seek to spoil her mood when she smiled. He still remained unhappy, but at least he didn't say harsh and caustic words about her.
- Give me your hands. Let's see if this idea works.
She held out her hands to him, waiting for him to take her hands. He looked at her doubtfully, and then put his hands into hers. She was the only one in front of whom he didn't hesitate to show his wounds. It always surprised him that she ignored his missing fingers, calmly taking his hand if necessary. Her hands gripped his tightly.
And without saying a word, while holding his hands, Y/N began to slowly walk back, forcing Levi to follow her. And... in the water it really was easier. Taking a step, the water enveloped his body, lifting it above the bottom, lightening the weight of his body. The first few minutes were still not easy for him, because during the time that he spent in a wheelchair, his muscles had lost the habit of movement, from the load of which there was too much in his life, and this abrupt change was now affecting the process of his recovery.
After some time, it became easier to move, he already understood how water affects movement. He no longer needed Y/N's arms for support, but he didn't let go of them. He didn't look into her eyes, but out of the corner of his eye he saw her smiling softly at him. The fact that he calmly moved his legs, walked, interrupted his dissatisfaction with salt water.
- You're doing well, you see, it wasn't in vain.
- Can I go out?
- Of course not. You just developed muscles, the longer you stay in the water and walk around, the better the result will be. But, I don't want to force you to do it. If you feel that you aren't comfortable, we can finish. Just say, okay?
- Let's stay still.
She smiled at him. They continued to walk in circles in the water.
They spent half the day at the beach. Y/N sometimes came out of the water to bring him fresh water to drink, as it was quite hot. Levi was in the water all the time. As he got better, Y/N noticed a small smile on his face, his eyes softened. She was happy for him. Seeing how he was making progress, she thought that six months ago he couldn't move his legs, chained to a wheelchair. Watching him, she thought that he would celebrate his birthday on his own two feet.
In the evening there were small waves. Y/N thought that it would be difficult for him to get out of the water.
- Yeah, I think that's enough for today. We have one more day before returning to the Capital.
- Good.
- You liked it, didn't you?
- Not. The water is still contagious.
- Stop it, it's not like that...
Getting out was hard. Levi got used to not holding on to Y/N during the day and tried to get out on his own, but it was hard.
- Y/N, can you help?
- Oh, yes, of course, give me your hands.
Y/N came out, pulling Levi behind her. The waves made it difficult for them to get out, and there was also sand in which their feet sank. All this caused the situation.
When the water was already up to their knees, a strong wave approached them, «hitting» them, which caused Levi to lose his balance, and Y/N pulled him towards her and... He fell on her. They were both wet, their clothes stuck to their bodies, practically outlining everything that was underneath. Levi's face was right on her chest, which made him blush a lot and tried to get up as soon as possible without looking at her.
- Y/N, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it's...
- «It's okay, you just couldn't resist the wave», Y/N answered him, also confused by what had happened.
Levi couldn't get up and just sat next to her, still in the water. His face burned with embarrassment, he couldn't find the strength to look at her. He knew it was an accident, but it all piled up with his thoughts about her. He felt guilty before her for interfering in her personal space.
Y/N also sat down, she was embarrassed, but she understood that it was an accident. And that behind it there was nothing but an accident. But why were they both so embarrassed...
***
They didn't talk again that evening, both trying to work through their embarrassment and awkwardness. After sitting silently on the beach for another half an hour, Y/N got up, which was a sign to Levi that she was ready to help him. After leaving the water, they wrapped themselves in towels, and Y/N drove Levi back to the hotel.
As soon as the door to his room closed and Y/N went to her room, Levi headed to the shower. His skin burned from the dried salt. He didn't understand whether it was everyone who felt this way after salt water, or just him. It was a terrible feeling. He threw his wet clothes into a laundry basket provided by the hotel where they were staying.
After taking a shower, carefully washing off all the salt from himself, he had dinner and went to bed. There was no sleep all night. He just stared at the ceiling, still burning with shame.
***
Y/N stood under a hot shower, washing off the salt from her body. She thought about how she didn't want this awkwardness between her and Levi to remain tomorrow. She wanted everything to be the same as before. And this accident... it ruined everything. Levi wasnt an easy person, and she knew that he was probably screwing himself over, feeling guilty, even though it was just an accident.
They wanted to have dinner together, but given what had happened, she asked that dinner be served in their rooms. Dining alone, she read a book on engineering, but she had to reread each sentence several times. Anxious thoughts swirled in her mind.
She couldn't sleep for a long time, tossing and turning in bed.
***
The next day, when they met, they both eventually agreed to forget about what happened and act like it never happened, admitting that both of them are embarrassed by this and both dont want to ruin their relationship. So everything is as it was before. But it was only outwardly, inside each of them something new appeared.
That day they again spent on the beach in the water, and in the evening they dined together. The conversation didn't really go well during the day, and they both knew why.
After two days spent on the coast, they set off back to the Capital. On the way back, Y/N started writing a letter to Jean. She thought a lot about what to write, because the letter shouldnt be too long. Therefore, she wrote about everything a little bit. Also, she sent him several photos as confirmation of her words.
She hoped he would answer her.