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Don't let me go
Stay by my side
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Chapter 67
Renny's Pov.
I woke up to Shiloh sitting in my bed and eating snacks while watching tv.
"Shi..." I groggily said and he hummed. "What exactly are you doing in here?"
He held out a cheese stick to me.
"It's the morning. I want breakfast." I mumbled and he nodded. "Then let's go. We can go get breakfast."
Well he's in a chipper mood.
I took a deep sigh and closed my eyes as everything that happened last night took over my mind again.
I don't know how to feel or what to do. He never came and got me out. He never checked on me after, not that it would've changed anything if he had've.
"Okay." I told him before slowly getting up and washing my face, brushing my teeth and putting on a big sweatshirt and sweatpants.
I didn't tell Shi anything that happened last night but I assumed Mick told him I was upset or something, I don't know. I don't know why else he'd be in here.
"Ready?" I asked and he nodded before swallowing the rest of his cheese sticks.
I don't know where he got any of that from in the morning but okay.
I walked into the kitchen and saw Mick sitting on the counter talking to Audie and eating cereal.
His hands were fucked.
"Mick what the fuck? What happened to your hands?"
They weren't like that last night.
He looked at Shi and shrugged.
"Long story." "Well when did that happen?" I asked and he sat his bowl down.
"Don't be mad."
I furrowed my brows at him, not understanding where this conversation was going.
"Uhm, okay?" "Last night Harry came by. I was pissed so..." He shrugged and picked up his bowl again and started eating cereal.
Wait he punched Harry?
"I'm sorry...elaborate please. Did you punch him?" "Yeah." He said nonchalantly.
I looked over Micks face but it was no bruises, his hands were surely busted though.
"So you punched Harry...but he didn't punch you back?" I asked and he shook his head. "He fucked up Renny. He was a shitty person for that. What fucking reason would he have to punch back?"
He's so calm and nonchalant when he speaks that I never know the degree or severity of any situation with him.
I hated that I wanted to know if Harry was okay, because he didn't care how I was last night.
Harry feels different to me in this moment and a piece of my heart fucking broke because of that. I didn't feel safe last night. He scared me. He's never scared me.
"Ready to go eat?" I asked, changing the subject, Shiloh and everyone got quiet.
"Renny, what happened last night?" Audie asked and I shrugged, not really knowing what to say because I truthfully don't want to go over it again right now. Maybe later on but, right now just feels like a lot.
"Harry was an asshole. No shocker. Now go eat breakfast losers. I'm going to the shop to work on my bike because it's fucking up." Mick said and I nodded. "Want any food?"
He shook his head and I looked at Audie.
"Wanna come?" "Uhm yeah. Give me a second."
She walked to her room and I grabbed a water from the fridge, my emotions suddenly hitting me at the feeling of the cold air from the fridge. And I wanted to cry.
I blinked away any sign of what I was wanting to do, which was cry my fucking eyes out.
I pulled it together and we all went to go eat in a diner down the street. I was hungry until I got there and I just felt sick. I felt like throwing up. All of this anxiety is too much for me. This whole fucking week has been too much for me.
I barely ate anything but it was nice to just chat with Shi and Audie.
"So what're you gonna do?" Audie asked as we walked back to the apartment.
I shrugged because, well I don't know. I don't know what i'm gonna do.
"I don't know...I love him...so. So it's all hard." I breathed out.
They still didn't know what happened and I wanted to keep it that way. I don't know why he did what he did but I know in my fucking heart that he's not a bad guy. I don't want them thinking he's a bad person. He already thinks it of himself enough, I don't need them thinking it too.
"Did he cheat on you?" Shiloh suddenly asks and I immediately shook my head. "What? No. No, of course not."
He nodded and we just made small talk on a different subject the whole way home.
But that's when I saw his car.
"Considering no one else in this place owns a Porsche, I would say Harry's here." Audie said with a chuckle and I took a deep breathe, not knowing if I was ready to see him or talk to him.
He scared me for the first time last night and I don't want to look at him and feel different now. That would break my fucking heart to feel further from him after everything.
His door opened and Shi and Audie slowly kept walking to the front but I paused.
"Renny." He stood up out of his car and I was taken aback.
His face was fucked up. His eyes were bloodshot, it was obvious he hasn't slept at all. He had on the same clothes as last night.
Did he not go home? I know he wasn't here when we left to eat.
I nodded at Shi and Audie to go on inside and they did.
"Can I...can I please talk to you? Please?"
He sounded weak. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears too.
He didn't come near me and I could tell he was afraid to. Afraid I wouldn't want him to.
"I won't leave or drive off, we can just sit here if you'll just...if we can just talk in the car. Please."
Watching him look as broken as he does, it struck something in me and I had to keep myself from crying. He's already been getting beaten up for the past week with slightly bruised cheeks and busted up knuckles every night. Seeing him with cuts on his face and a bad black eye was too much for me.
I thank Mick for being there for me, but it also hurt to see Harry like this.
I nodded and walked to the passenger side, him getting back in as I got into his car.
The weird tension was something I wasn't used to with us. It's never weird with us. He's my biggest comfort. I can't help but wonder if everything is fucked up now.
"I didn't mean to Renny. I didn't mean to leave you in there. I fucking hate myself for leaving you in there but just please trust me when I say I didn't mean to. I locked the door just so I could go back in and just know that you weren't gonna leave that room and I knew you trusted me enough. Then everything got hectic and I fucking forgot to unlock the door. I fucking forgot Renny and I can't make it sound better because it was so fucked up and i'm so sorry. I didn't see a single message or call Renny, I fucking swear on my life. I would never do that. I just...I just can't fucking believe I left you in there and you were having a fucking panic attack and I-" He had to take a breathe and he was about to start hyperventilating and I could see his fidgeting.
He was about to have his own panic attack.
He wasn't looking at me and he looked so far away from the Harry I know in this moment. He looks broken and lost and anxious.
I believe him. I believe he didn't mean to. I know Harry. I was scared but I still couldn't hate him for it. I knew something wasn't right. He wouldn't just do that to me. That's what I was telling myself at least and now I know that it was true.
"And the way I spoke to you last night, I just, I should never have spoken to you that way. No matter how angry I was. I was scared because you wouldn't have walked out of his apartment Renny. The last time I would've seen you would've been yesterday and that scared me so bad, I just let every dark part of me unleash on you and I can't do that. My mind has been so scattered that I let myself forget I had locked you in that room. I can't do shit like that ever. And I won't ever again, I swear. I promise. I promise, just please believe me-" "I believe you Harry. I trust what you're saying." I said quietly as he looked at me.
I could finally see just how bad his face was messed up, just how red his eyes were from the lack of sleep. I inspected his hands and every part of me felt like it was breaking into. I've never seen him so vulnerable and broken in my life.
I reached over and pressed the button to turn off the car.
"C'mon." I whispered and he gave me a confused look with those sad eyes. "Why?"
"Just come up."
He didn't ask anymore questions. He got out and followed me up, without a touch or a word to one another.
As I was unlocking the door he spoke.
"Do they know?" He asked quietly and I looked at him, the look hurting me more and more. "No." I admitted. "Just Mick."
He nodded and swallowed.
"He told me." He whispered and I halted from opening the door, looking at him.
"Told you?" I asked and he nodded. "About the closet."
He was quiet with his words as if speaking them out loud was territory he didn't know if he should be stepping in.
I assume somewhere between Mick throwing punches, he threw out that detail. It didn't bother me that he said that. He was angry at Harry and Mick had to witness that moment. It hurt him just as bad as me. I was in there for a while and he never left the other side of the door.
I didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry. I know you got flashbacks Renny. I'm so sorry." He was still whispering, but I think it was because if he spoke normally, his voice would crack.
I nodded and opened the door, only Audie in the kitchen.
She looked at Harry and then back at the dishes she was putting in the washer.
I was thankful for the lack of words as I walked us to my room.
I walked in and heard him softly close the door behind me, careful to make little noise it seemed.
I went to the bathroom and he slowly followed me to the doorway of it, watching me like he does.
I turned on the water of the shower and let it get hot as I turned to him, seeing him look unsure of what I was doing.
"Sit." I told him as I closed the toilet. He pretty much immediately sat and I got out my alcohol, gauze, ointment and all the other stuff I need.
"Ren i'm fine, I don't need-" "Just be quiet." I told him and he did.
He took a big sigh through his nose and I grabbed a cotton pad drenched with alcohol and started cleaning his face, him wincing for a second as I went over the cuts.
"He didn't go easy." I mumbled while I cleaned and inspected his face. "Good." He mumbled back.
"Harry, stop."
His eyes looked at me and I shook my head.
"It was fucked up but you didn't mean to leave me in there. And you didn't know about the closet because I never spoke about it. It was an accident and I believe you." I clipped as I kept cleaning his face.
"It doesn't excuse it Renny." He whispered. "I didn't say it did."
I crouched down in front of him after I finished cleaning off his face cuts and went to his knuckles.
"You've gotta tell me what's going on Harry. I...I can't stay in this anymore when i'm kept in the dark. I know nothing. Nothing." I quietly spoke, still cleaning cuts. "And I see you stressed and coming home beaten up and you tell me nothing. I wanted to help and I get that it wasn't the best idea but I know somethings happened and you're not telling me. I just...I can't do this anymore if it's always gonna be like-" "It won't. It won't Renny. It won't." He kept repeating in a sense or urgency.
"I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything. I just hate knowing that you're gonna be worrying all the time and so I try and protect you from that-" "I don't need you to do that."
He nodded and I threw the cotton rounds in the trash.
"I'll do the rest after the shower."
He nodded and stood up with me.
I think he was shocked when I started taking off my clothes, but he closely followed as I gave him a look.
He stepped in first and helped me in as well.
The hot water felt great. I can only imagine how good it felt to him. He needed a second of care.
I let the water soak him and his hair, his eyes falling shut at the touch.
I grabbed some shampoo and put it into my hands, lathering it before I reached up and massaged it through his scalp.
He slowly opened his eyes as I did it, watching me with eyes hidden with all kinds of thoughts behind them.
I thoroughly scrubbed through his head, seeing him feel good from this. He won't give himself self care, so I will.
"Rinse." I whispered and he let his head fall back as I scrubbed the shampoo out of his hair. I could see him visibly getting sleepier.
I put some conditioner in my hands and rubbed it into his hair next, lathering the same way as before.
"Please don't leave me Renny." He choked out in a whisper, his eyes still closed.
My hands stilled for a second, not ever expecting to hear those words come from him.
"Please." He whispered, his eyes still closed.
He slowly opened them and looked down at me.
"I'll be good to you Renny, I promise. Please-" "I'm not leaving you Harry." I spoke sternly but his face didn't change.
I wondered if he even believed me.
"Please don't."
His eyes were so bloodshot already and the water on his face from the stream behind him made it hard to tell if he was crying, but I felt like he was.
"Stop. I am not leaving you. You are good to me."
I told him, trying to keep my own voice from cracking at his vulnerable words.
He didn't say anything and I rinsed the conditioner out of his hair.
"I never even thought about it." I admitted and he slowly nodded. "I hated life before you. I didn't give a fuck about anything...but I want it all with you. I want...a life. Outside of all of this."
I liked hearing him talk like this.
"We can have a house one day...somewhere else." He whispered, still looking down at me. "Somewhere like Maine."
I think he was crying because his voice was different.
"We can live without all of this bullshit." He whispered. "We can...I don't know, we can have a baby one day."
I looked up at him and he was looking at me with a hopeful look.
"You want a baby?" I asked, never knowing if he really did. We had talked about it in moment of sexual intimacy but...never really beyond that.
"I never did before but...with you, yeah...I want a baby. I really want a baby with you. If...you know, if you want that. With me. Eventually."
Truthfully, I want everything with him.
I wish we could have our fairytale.
It just seems so far out of reach.
But right now, he needs some hope to hold onto. I feel like he's barely hanging.
"Yeah. I could see us with a baby." I admitted honestly and for the first time I saw the smallest bit of a small at the corner of one side of his lips.
"Yeah?" "Yeah." I whispered.
He nodded and tucked my hair behind my ears.
"Boy or girl?" He mumbled and I smiled softly. "Mm...you look like a girl dad."
He actually smiled this time.
"I do?" "Yeah, I think you need a little girl."
He nodded as I put soap in the rag and started washing his body.
"Then give me a little version of you." He whispered and I was suddenly holding back tears at the thought of him really wanting a baby with me. Of him wanting a little version of me because, I can tell he really does want that.
"She'd be too much to handle if she's anything like me-" "No." He interrupted. "I want a little version of you. I want her to have your kindness and I want her to have your eyes. I want her to have your witty sense of humor and your stubborn ass personality that I just...love so much. I just want her to be just like you." He whispered but he was looked down at my hand washing his chest instead of at me.
"I just don't know if I could ever love anyone as much as I love you." He quietly confessed and I sat the rag on the handle of the shower and wrapped my arm around him.
"I love you." I mumbled and he hugged me right against his naked body.
We sat there for while before I washed off and stopped the water, both of us getting out.
We dried off and I lathered him lotion which he never really does. He didn't complain, or say much at all as I did it.
We hadn't kissed but I felt like he wanted to in that moment.
I lotioned my own body and put on my robe, giving him some briefs I had of his.
I needed to have the talk he didn't wanna have.
"I want you to sleep and get some rest." I told him as we both sat on my bed.
"But, I need to know everything so...do you wanna talk now or when you wake up?" I asked and he looked fidgety again.
He slowly nodded and turned to me.
"I'll tell you now." He whispered.
I didn't know if I was ready or not, but I needed to know.
I deserved to know.