Title: The Downside of a Wedding
Author: @sinfully-sarcastic
First Impressions
Title: The Downside of a Wedding is a fine title. It's functional and informs us of what type of story to expect: there's some romance and there's some wedding stuff going on. It's also not too common of a title so that's cool.
Cover: I think the cover is functional. Nothing really much to say here as it's really the cliche romance cover of a couple close to each other. I do like the font used for the title and how readable it is. But other than that, again, I have nothing much to say here.
Blurb: For the first part of the blurb, I felt like the the second and third sentence were kinda repetitive with the sentence structure of "He ruined *insert word here*". I feel like that could be fixed just by reordering the second sentence like so:
It was supposed to be my biggest wedding.
But my efforts were ruined.
He ruined them by asking for a favor.
If that makes sense?
For the second part of the blurb, I don't think you need to mention the "blooming wedding planner" part because it's redundant. We already know she's a wedding planner just by the fact that got appointed as one. Therefore you can just write the sentence to be: "When Yara Young gets appointed as the wedding planner of one of the..."
Then I wish you could've elaborated more on his antics or personality so we get a clearer look into what type of person is our male lead. For example:
"...she finds it hard to work with the groom's best man, Felix Rodriguez. Haughty, irresponsible, and egotistical, Felix seems to have it in mind to make things difficult for Yara.
After dozens of failed attempts to plan the wedding, Yara decides to make a deal with Felix."
I just pulled the whole "haughty, irresponsible and egotistical" part out of nowhere as an example. It'd be also better if you found a way to sneak in information about Yara's personality in the mix. But yea, doing it this way will allow the audience to get a first impression of what kind of people these characters are. If they like the character types they see from the blurb, they would feel more inclined to read it, especially for a character-driven story like this.
General Thoughts
The first thing of note that I really want to cover is your head-hopping. Head-hopping is what I call switching from one character's PoV to another's out of nowhere. It causes this "wait, what" moment to the reader and breaks immersion. Just from the first chapter, you have lines where you end up describing Caspian's thoughts (which Yara shouldn't know) and therefore head-hop from Yara's PoV to Caspian's PoV. Here are some examples from Chapter 1:
Caspian was unbothered. He knew her better than anyone else and he also knew that annoying Yara was part of his job as a best friend.
It's unclear whether the underlined line is in the PoV of Yara or the PoV of Caspian. Are you telling us that's what Caspian's thinking? Or is it what Yara thinks Caspian is thinking. If it's the latter, then rephrase it a little. For example, it can be reworded as such: She knew that he thought that annoying her was part of his job as a best friend. Or He had this mindset where he thought that annoying her was part of his job as a best friend.
Another example:
...Caspian blurted out, not knowing if what he said made any sense or not. He just wanted to make Yara believe in herself.
For this one, it's clear that you slipped into Caspian's PoV. You could rephrase this by having him say it himself, like say, a dialogue going "Look, I don't know if all of what I'm saying makes sense... but the gist is, believe in yourself, Yara. You can do this." which allows you to convey the same thoughts yet stay in Yara's perspective.
By making the descriptions sound like Yara describing his thoughts or as something that Yara can hear or see clearly rather than making the descriptions feel like we're following Caspian's actions and/or thoughts, it ends up sounding more natural rather than feeling like we're hopping between their perspectives. I hope that makes sense?
Outside of the head hopping, there's also this weird tendency to put stuff in italics without it being needed? Like, just in the first part there were already so many italics. They're easily droppable without changing the content or the impact so I suggest just removing most of them. Italics is typically used for emphasis but if you use it a lot, and very closely to each other, then the emphasis... doesn't get emphasized. You could use various other techniques for emphasis such as cutting off words from sentences, or solo paragraphs where there's only one sentence in the paragraph for emphasis or just writing short sentences for impact.
EDIT: I see that you removed the italics, but I'll keep this section here just in case.
Then there's also the lack of using contractions in dialogue. Contractions in dialogue help a lot in characterization of your characters. For example, "I am going to have to go." vs "I'm gonna have to go." The former would be most likely said by a more formal character. Someone with more prim and proper speech. In comparison, "I'm gonna have to go", with its contractions, feels a lot more casual. Another example: "The weather is hot today, is it not?" vs "The weather is hot today, isn't it?". Both have different tones from each other even though they say the same thing.
I highly suggest studying up on contractions and figure out whenever you need to use them in your own dialogue in order to make sure your tone is correct. Because right now, while your dialogue is definitely snappy and witty, it's a bit bogged down by unnecessary formal-ness in the sense of uncontracted words.
Structure-wise, those are the three main problems I saw in your work. Otherwise, it's pretty competently written and everything is fairly readable. There's a few parts I would rather reword or rephrase but they're not egregious. I suggest getting an editor to go through the structural problems in your work, and to make it flow smoother, especially the PoVs. Because I think that's the main part of the work that bothers me.
Now, in terms of plot, I read through 5 chapters (but only broke down three since my remarks were getting repetitive) and the plot seems to be moving at quite a good pace. The conflicts come and go in the right moments and I do enjoy that some stuff isn't dragged out. For example, I like that you reveal to Yara that Felix was the lap dance dude in chapter 4 rather than having dragged it out for ages. Every chapter feels significant and establishes stuff that we need to know for the story. I really like that. The pacing is also not too quick and not too slow. It's just the right amount of speed for the plot to move.
Then as for the characters. I really enjoy Yara's colorful personality and her dynamics with others, especially with Caspian. Their banter is fun and enjoyable to read. They really read like two best friends. There's also a possible interesting dynamic between them from the pieces in Chapter 2... where I feel like Caspian may or may not have a not-so-platonic interest in Yara? But I may be reading into that too much.
I would say so far, the weakest character for me is Felix? We do get to know more about him in chapter 5 and I feel he was strongest in that chapter, but in chapter 3, he was kind of a mess for me because I couldn't understand his mindset in that chapter. In chapter 4... he was fine. I would say the reason he felt weak to me is that I don't feel much of a chemistry between Yara and Felix as of yet?? I'm so sorry, but their dynamic so far feels very professional which makes sense in context, but in terms of the romance, I don't personally feel the supposed sexual or romantic tension between the two? Their interaction in chapter 4 felt like they were just awkward and not really a scene with tension, in my opinion? I do think however, that I am judging it a bit too early. Of course it's still awkward, they just met and they still haven't settled in their situation. I feel like in a couple more chapters, this tension and back-and-forth between them that the blurb promises will be more prominent.
Breakdown
Chapter 1
The beginning is pretty solid. Starting off with the main character's emotional state as well as setting up what the current status quo is. My main problem for this first part would be the number of words italicized. I don't think they need to be italicized. It still easily reads the same content or impact even if you do not italicize it.
Then I would say that your other problem for this chapter is the head-hopping. I realize that you have a tendency to do this, so I put my thoughts about it in General Thoughts because it encompasses all your chapters.
But the gist is, you tend to slip into Caspian's PoV and not stick to Yara's. It ends up being jarring and removes my immersion from the story. Because I would suddenly go, "wait, why does Yara know what Caspian is thinking?" and it cuts off my reading. I highly suggest studying up on third person limited (which is the pov I assume you're trying to pull off) and then fix the errors here. But if you really want multiple character's perspectives, I suggest studying up on a third person omniscient point of view or have more distinct pov shifts (for example, chapter 1 is Yara's pov, chapter 2 is Caspian's pov, etc.)
But since you're doing a chicklit where it's important that we get the woman's pov because it is her story and it's about her struggles... I highly suggest going with a third person limited perspective with said perspective focused on Yara. You're free to include other perspectives, but remember, it's the female lead's story.
Another thing to note for this chapter was that I do feel like some of the dialogue slips into being a bit too formal? I think this is because you don't contractions a lot. Contractions are when you shorten something like "I am" -> "I'm" or "You are" -> "You're". I see that you have a tendency to not do that, and not doing it removes a bit of the possible casualness of the sentence.
For example:
"Thanks, Caspian. I would have already lost my shit if it weren't for you!"
"I would have" is a bit formal for such a sentence said in a casual manner. It could be changed to "I'd have already lost my shit if it weren't for you!" which sounds more natural for her to say.
A tip I would say is to say the sentences aloud in the way you imagine them to be said. And then with that, try to see if it works better without the contraction or with the contraction.
For example: "Mostly she is rude but if you look past that, she is trying to take out the best version of you, though for herself."
I would personally keep the first "she is" as it is because having the "is" there can help emphasize the point about Melissa's rudeness (for ex: Mostly, she is rude...) while the second "she is" could be shortened as I would imagine Caspian saying the second part a bit faster, therefore contracting his words in the process.
So for me, I would edit this part to: "Mostly she *is* rude, but if you look past that, she's trying to take out the best version of you, though for herself." You can italicize "is" for emphasis.
Another example from me would be the "I am Yara Young" and "I am Cassidy Vitalis..." introductions. Like... yes this is a professional setting and I understand the lack of contractions here, but at the same time it does feel a bit stilted to not contract I am to I'm when most people default to using I'm when speaking. You could change Cassidy's line to something more along the lines of "Hello there, my name is Cassidy Vitalis and this is my fiance, Nolan Giovanni." to feel natural without the "I am". In my opinion, you should probably change Yara's introduction to just "Hi, I'm Yara Young." because it feels more natural for her voice? Again, these are all my opinions and you don't need to follow them.
Outside of those problems, I do believe this is a pretty solid first chapter! It's competently written, and I don't see glaring errors in regards to the grammar and such.
And in terms of the characters, Yara has a distinct voice in the narrative and the humor is there, which is good because this is a chicklit. Yara is also pretty well set-up as our protagonist and her underdog role with the whole "my boss is kind of a bitch" set-up makes her easy to root for. Caspian is also a very entertaining and supportive friend and their banter is pretty natural and flows well. I just wish we got a little more stuff regarding Yara's talent as a wedding planner? It does seem like she's good and she has talent, but the way all her plans sound so vague in the chapter makes it hard to imagine how her plans are special or better than others. We only get stuff like "fall-themed weddings, spring-themed weddings, etc." Why not expand more on why she is known as a blooming wedding planner?
Then in terms of the plot, I think this is pretty good pacing. We get to the point of the main overarching plot—the wedding. I do like you didn't introduce the male lead yet. I like that this is a chapter for Yara and to introduce how she operates in a situation. This is her story and this chapter sets that up nicely.
Chapter 2
Again, there's a lot of head-hopping in this chapter. From Yara to Caspian to that man on the chair. I'm not gonna expand more because it's just me repeating what I mentioned above, but just taking a note of it.
There's also the same problem regarding contractions. Like, I would reword "You are gonna kill me anyways with your noob driving skills!" to "You're gonna kill me anyways with your noob driving skills!" to add more to the casual banter vibes of it. But again, I'm not gonna expand as it's just gonna be repeating my points.
So let's talk about the plot. The plot of this chapter is pretty simple and straightforward, they go to a club, they end up drunk, dare each other, and she ends up giving this stranger a lap dance. Simple and straightforward.
In terms of plot points to be hit, I'm glad that we already set up the first meeting between Yara and the main male love interest. It's such a distinct and impressionable meeting too, making us know why the ML will pay attention to our FL. I also kind of like that they meet before an "official" meeting where they have to present a more presentable and formal face. Here in this setting, they meet in a very casual setting and the FL also gets to show a side of hers that she doesn't normally show, giving a reason as to why the ML would be enticed by her. He would want to get to know her more to get to see that side again. So, yeah, I like this decision to detour to a club to make them meet.
Then in terms of characterization, it's nice that we get to see more Yara in a casual and loose setting. She's definitely quite the drunk. Other than Yara, we also get a glimpse on our male lead's personality when you slipped a bit into his PoV. But in my opinion, the most interesting characterization comes from Caspian. We get to see a little more insight into him, in my opinion. Firstly, the whole "She's taken!" scene and how Caspian has this belief that he has the right to protect and even guide Yara gives us an insight as to how he views Yara. He sees her as someone to protect, someone that he has the right to be selfish about. He didn't even ask about Yara's opinion on the situation and just assumed she wouldn't like it because he didn't like it. It's an interesting dynamic, especially since Yara seems to know this is a thing in their relationship and that normally she tells him off about it. It does make me think that there is perhaps a possibility that Caspian doesn't see Yara in a purely platonic way? Perhaps I'm reading too much into this lol. But yes, interesting.
All in all, good chapter. And that final line lmao, it's unsubtle foreshadowing but it's funny.
Chapter 3
Okay, first meeting between the FL and the ML! And Yara has no clue as to what is going on hahaha. Which makes sense, seeing as she was drop dead drunk in the last chapter.
Ahh, and again, more head-hopping. Just before the section you switch to Felix's PoV, you slip from Yara to Felix. Again, easily fixed by switching back to Yara's Pov of the events. What Felix thinks in this part is easily put into the next part which is explicitly his PoV and that would be much smoother.
Outside of that usual hiccup, let's talk about the chapter! So we officially meet Felix and... to be honest he's not making a good first impression on me or on Yara. He's being weirdly difficult for no good reason. It's a bit hard to exactly determine what the hell he wants? I'm assuming he's playing some kind of "hard to get" angle here but it doesn't make sense, since she's not pursuing him anyway. I'm really sorry but I'm having a difficult time understanding Felix's mindset here. He's definitely attracted to her and wants to get to know her better... but why is he acting like this? It feels like he's being vindictive towards her for no reason. Maybe it's just me, but I genuinely don't fully understand the direction Felix's mindset went through in this chapter. I wish it's a bit more clearer and understandable as to why he's acting difficult towards Yara when he's actually attracted to her and wants to get to know her better.
Plot-wise however, we do get bits and pieces about the direction of the plot. The ML and FL officially meet and there's already a conflict abrew. Other than that, the wedding plot is moving and we also get a new character foreshadowed: Peyton, who may or may not be getting shipped with Felix, therefore making her a possible love rival in the equation. So far so good, the plot is moving at a fair pace and it's not too fast nor too slow. I just wish I understood Felix's character better here, but all in all, not a bad chapter.
Summary
All in all, this work was pretty good! I actually had difficulties reviewing this (which is why it took so long ;-;) because I felt like it only needed minor critique. The biggest problem in my opinion would be the not-so-smooth perspective changes, which I think once you fix them, the work would really feel much better to read. Regarding the plot and characters, in my opinion, they're fairly solid. The characters are well-characterized just from their introduction and they do carry this work, and the plot is at a perfect pace.
Again, overall, this work is pretty solid! I don't really have much to say that I haven't already said. Just fix up the structural issues, maybe get an editor, and I think it'll improve your work much better.
Glad to have been your reviewer! I'm very sorry this was very late. Anyway, please feel free to DM me if you have any questions.