Title: Ms. Fernsby's Cottage
Author: peggors
Chapters Reviewed: 1-3
Cover: I believe you had a different cover before, but I don't remember it enough to critique. The one you currently have, I'm not a huge fan of. It doesn't blend well together and feels more like you just slapped some hands and a tiny house on it. For me, it doesn't fit the story well and it's a little hard to read the title. I would certainly suggest using a different font. It looks like you used two different fonts on the cover, but I'm not certain. From what I read, I think it would be cool if the cover had more of a focus on the cottage rather than these two hands you have.
Title: I'm on the fence when it comes to the title. While it's original, I feel like there's something more fitting for the story. This one seems so simple and more innocent, child-like when the story is anything but that. But if your intention is to be a bit misleading before coming into your creatively chaotic world, then I'd say it works well.
Blurb: The main issue I have with your blurb is how you're simply stating how scary and horrific it is. You don't really provide much of a hook by telling those things, but instead, giving us a small little taste of the horrors to come really gets us interested in the story. I'm also not a fan of the "click, boom" here and feel like it could be omitted. It's not bad as it is, but I think if you focused less on explaining how scary it is with the crime and torture, and gave us a little sneak peak of those horrors, it would be really interesting!
First Impression: Before diving into the story, I thought it would focus more on a fairytale like the blurb suggested, something resembling Hansel and Gretel with a twist? However, that's not at all what I got. Having your characters introduced by talking about eating poo-flavored ice cream is certainly different, so I give you credits for that. It's not something I expected to come across.
Chapter 1: This chapter starts off from Mark's perspective as he breaks the fourth wall for us while informing us about all the psychopaths that come to the pub. It has me wondering if a majority of these folks are just criminally insane. How did they even end up here? Did they escape an institute somewhere or is this like some kind of creepy cult? I found it rather interesting how everyone seemed to jump at the opportunity to kill the poor little girl after her encounter with Clarence. I suppose they just enjoy killing, regardless of who their victims are.
There were some places I feel could be cleared up a bit. For instance, when introduced to Paulie your narrator outright tells us that his wife and kid died last Sunday and then Paulie just repeats that same exact thing right after. It's a bit redundant and I feel like it could be more impactful if not stated to us, but instead Paulie comes up to one of the characters, maybe Mark even, and just tells him that his family's dead with a creepy smile on his face. It would really make the scene more eerie, like what's with that guy? Shouldn't he be mourning their deaths, or is he the one who killed them and is happy they're gone? It really makes you wonder about it.
If you're going for a more dramatized style of action, this might work well here, but when Angelica gets free from the guys, it felt rather forced and sheer unbelievable luck that she could trip a groan man by tromping on his foot. The fact that the knife flies through the air and stabs Clarence's hand was even more far-fetched. My personal suggestion would be to have Angelica be clever and steal the knife away from him and stab Clarence herself, throw him off guard, and make a run for it. She could distract them somehow and get it. Maybe she could even reach over for someone's drink and spill it to cause a commotion? Just something to stir up the already chaotic situation.
I'm also quite curious why the whole pub listens to Clarence and chases after the poor little girl. Are they that afraid of him? Nobody bothered to intervene much until she fled and he demanded they go after her, but why would all of them care? It sounds like this place is pretty crowded too, so it seems strange for me unless they all have a desire to kill? This is something I hope gets expounded on in later chapters. If there's only one of him and many more of them, why do they not just gang up to kill him?
When we reach Angelica fleeing into the woods, wishing she had her mommy, it reads like a child's panicked thoughts. This one instance, however, seemed really odd compared to the above paragraphs where she's asking why her mommy isn't there to save her. "Oh, dammit, she's back to thinking about her damn mommy again." If you want your narrator to sound like this and seemingly not care much for the child, then I suppose it works. But it feels really strange when just a paragraph above it details her desperately wanting her mommy and how her kisses make things better.
This chapter sure opened with a colorful and chaotic bunch of characters. I think I'm most curious to learn more about Ms. Fernsby and what her motives are. I'm hoping she genuinely wants to help the poor little girl, but seeing how insane the others have been wanting to kill her, I'm not sure if I can trust the woman. She might end up being even more crazy than those in the pub.
Chapter 2: This was an interesting chapter to see Ms.Fernsby and her cottage, with the other kids. It makes me wonder if all their parents were murdered, likely by Clarence. Which leads me to wonder why nobody has tried to turn him in or even kill him. Everyone at the pub seems to follow him blindly, especially Mark. I suppose it's just fear? Since you mention them "pissing themselves" while Clarence goes on a mental breakdown and dances.
So far, I'll admit I'm lost with the crowd at the pub and wonder what's really going on with them. Is it like a kind of criminally insane little cult or club that Clarence has created there? The way they follow him and listen to whatever he wants is odd. Do none of them, aside from Ms. Fernsby, not want to murder a little girl?
While I think I trust Ms. Fernsby so far, I can't help wondering if she has some kind of hidden agenda too. Like, what happened to these kids' parents? She tells them that they've gone on adventures, but I'm suspecting that's a lie. I believe they're all dead, probably killed by Clarence.
The way she healed little Angelica was quite strange and magical, so I'm suspecting she has some kind of powers. I've even wondered if Clarence is her child, or perhaps one that she raised when he lost his own parents. I could be completely off on that, but I think there's more to her and Clarence. I feel like there's a connection somewhere, especially since she knows who he is and seemed rather crestfallen when she learns he's up to his old murderous tactics.
My only criticism for this chapter is your grammar, particularly your dialogue tags. There were a handful of instances where you have the punctuation out of the quotation marks or have a random extra period added at the end. Examples:
"Are you doing okay?".
Angelica says "Yea, yea I'm doing good".
Chapter 3:
Interesting plot points come up in this chapter with introductions to new characters, but I have to admit, the sections where you had them singing was quite corny. I'm not sure if that was the vibe you were going for, but if so, it worked. It reminded me of those little kid shows where they just randomly burst out into song. "The fact that is true I love you You love me too Don't look so blue, I love you..." I imagine this being sung with Barney because of the resemblance but I think it's supposed to be a love confession in a song? I wasn't expecting three paragraphs of them singing, along with the happy birthday song. This is just a personal preference, but I feel like you could really cut down on the music notes. Just include the cute happy birthday one. It works the best.
Another thing I noticed you do frequently in this chapter is type like this, "blueeeee, HAAPPY" You get where I'm going with this, right? You don't need to add extra letters for articulation. You can use dialogue or even action tags to show when they're loud or excited. On the topic of trimming down sections, I also feel like the "Click, boom" isn't necessary for this chapter. It doesn't introduce anything new and it feels unnaturally placed there, since right after, we're with the kids' birthday party.
After the party's over, we get another glimpse into Clarence's life and he's certainly up to no good. I do wonder why he hates children so much, especially the ones Ms. Fernsby cares for. Maybe it's jealousy or maybe he's just psychotic enough to hate all little kids for some weird reason. I'm curious about his mental state and what makes him tick like he does. He's a fascinating character for sure. It was a nice little twist what he pulled with the pub's owner, but I feel like you could have more details about the gun. How did he make it shoot backwards? I didn't understand how that worked. I guess he tinkered it himself, and if so, I'd really like to see how he did such a thing.
Characters (I focused on who seemed like the main characters to me) :
Clarence (Clar-Bear) : This psycho intrigued me the most, but I'm unclear about his motives. Sometimes you show him to be clever, then at times he behaves more like a child. Like when he dances randomly at the pub and insists they refer to him as Clar-Bear. He seems to have an intimidating aura, as nobody ever goes against him and always does what he asks. I'm rather surprised nobody ever tried to turn him in yet or why they don't just all join in together and kill him. I mentioned this before, but it's still something on my mind. There must be a reason they're too afraid. Perhaps it's from witnessing all his prior killings.
Mark: He had some funny little moments in the beginning of chapter 1. I honestly thought he would be more important to the story with how it starts off with him. I'm curious if he comes up more in future chapters, as he didn't get much screen time in chapters 2 or 3. I liked his character since he felt more normal-ish from the rowdy bunch, but I could tell he still had some issues.
Ms. Fernsby: I'm conflicted by her character. While her personality has shown her to be nothing but sweet and kind, I can't help but distrust her. Why? Because it's really weird for her to keep those children, even if Clarence might've murdered all their parents. I wonder if there's some reason behind her wanting to protect them. Maybe she witnessed Clarence's cruelties before? I also suspected that maybe she also raised Clarence at one point, considering they're both aware of each other. It's generous of her to take on the caretaker role, but when she seems to fib to Angelica about what really happened to her parents, I can't help but be suspicious. If the FBI starts connecting dots with all these missing people, especially the kids, they'll likely come after her as well. Regardless of whether or not she was nice to them.
Angelica: She's a really sweet little girl! For some reason, I always love when stories include kids in them. Angelica was my favorite character. I absolutely loved how brave she was when facing danger, walking into that Pub all by herself and even confronting Clarence. That really took some guts to do! I'm sure not many adults could've done what she did. I just hope she won't be too naive and keep her guard up while staying with Ms. Fernsby. She better keep an eye out for those lunatics from the pub as well.
Overall thoughts:
My biggest criticism is how your story doesn't seem to connect. Everything feels so scrambled in, and at times, it almost seemed like I was reading two different stories. The moments between Clarence and the pub guys had such an eerie, psychotic tone to them but then you'd bring Ms.Fernsby and try to make the story more child-like. You're writing psycho killers, cussing up a storm with the kids, then suddenly talking in child-like tones. Your narrator doesn't need to be consistent, of course, but it shouldn't read like I'm following two entirely separate stories and genres. I think you could blend the horrors and child-like tones together better, if that's the idea you were going for, but as it is, it just reads really odd at times. A way to help this, I believe, would be keeping Ms. Fernsby and Clarence's chapters complete separately. This would also help to be able to expound on each scene more and to get a better focus on their motives.
Your worldbuilding has some fascinating concepts, but none felt fully developed to me. You mention Ms. Fernsby having some kind of magical blue plant to make the little girl sleep, then she miraculously wakes up, no longer having her injuries. And then there's also this bizarre pub placed in the midst of a forest, so I initially thought this was a fantasy world until the FBI's mentioned. I'm not sure how Ms. Fernsby and the kids connect with Clarence and his guys. While Ms. Fernsby seems nice, what she's doing is basically kidnapping. Even if Clarence murdered their parents, but she could even be arrested as an accomplice for knowing about what goes on and does nothing (if this story is in fact centered in our real world and not some type of alternate fantasy) I'm also curious about where she gets the funds for these kids? Does Harry bring it to her? She gives them all kinds of sweets and even buys the girl a pony. It all just sounds too good to be true, you know? I feel like all your adult characters are criminals somehow.
Overall, I really like the concept for this story, but it fell a little short for me because of how lost I got within the three chapters I read. I'm trying to piece together what's going on, but nobody's motives really make any sense. Even the insane guys at the pub just blindly follow Clarence, who wants to murder and really hates children.