Chapter 34
Sienna's POV
He stares at me and at first I see happiness shining in his eyes, his lips curling at the edges slightly into a discreet smile. That all quickly disappears though and the happiness vanishes within a blink of an eye. His face is quickly etched with confusion and I can tell he feels uneasy that I'm here. I'm probably the last person he expected to be knocking on his door at this time of night. I didn't expect to be here either. I didn't think things were going to turn out like this. I suppose though nothing has worked out like I expected it to for me or for him.
I can't help feeling bitter, seething still that I'm not with my family. The family I fought so long to have and who I fought every day to keep together. There's only two of us left in this family now and I'll have to live with that. I'll have to accept that the missing piece of our puzzle will never be complete.
I stare at him, feeling weak and all I want is for him to hug me. I want him to tell me it's all going to be okay. I want him to let me in, I need him to let me in and for him to look after me. I need him to keep his promise that he'd look after me if things didn't work out, like we both knew deep down it wouldn't.
He doesn't say anything, he just stares back at me and I start to feel myself dismantling before his very eyes. I don't understand why he's just staring back at me. Why isn't he speaking to me and finding out what's wrong? Surely, he can see it on my face that I need him, I need a friend. I just need to know someone cares, really cares. I know he does care, I just need him to show it.
My eyes are on the verge of releasing tears, desperation etched on my face. My body is sagging down in defeat, giving up completely. Why isn't he helping me? I step closer to him and his eyes quickly move to the car seat in my hand, where Freddy sleeps. He should know somethings wrong if I'm here with Freddy at this time of night. I know he isn't going to speak, so I need to take the lead. I need to tell him what's going on.
"The last time I saw you in the hospital, you said if I ever needed you that you'd be here for me. I need you, Zayn" I say emotionally "I need you because you were right. You were right about him, he's ended things again and I didn't know where else to go. I don't have anywhere else to go."
I desperately try to swallow my tears back, which have formed in pools in the corner of my eyes. I feel humiliated, embarrassed that everything has come to this. I'm trying to keep it together, trying to stop my hurt from exploding outwards, but I can't. I've been forced into having to rely on someone else, Zayn this time all because of Harry. If Harry really cared I wouldn't here, but he doesn't. I shouldn't have to be here, but the man who's claimed to love me has made me be here. The man I love has let me down once again. His bipolar love has caused this. He's broken every fragment of my soul, leaving an empty shell behind.
My eyes focus of the ground I stand on, bowing my head and trying to hold onto some dignity. I keep willing myself to be strong, but I'm weak. I take this moment, a chance to compose myself, so I can hide my desperation. I bet he can smell it on me though, I bet he can see the desperation soaking through me.
My hand wraps tighter around the handle of the car seat, where Freddy still sleeps soundly. He has no clue that our lives are crashing down around us, our family has crashed and burnt. I just pray he stays asleep, until I can get everything resolved and until Zayn lets me inside.
I finally look back up at him and I stare back into his confused brown eyes. He still doesn't speak a word to me and I'm not sure what else I can say to him. I expected him to welcome me with open arms, holding me closely and rushing me inside, so I can lay my heart out to him. He isn't though and it makes me feel alone, completely alone.
I know I'm taking advantage of him, being selfish by being here. I know I'm being cruel, even using him, but it isn't intentional. He's my friend and friends should be there for each other, I'd be there for him if he needed me. I think a lot of him, I always have and nothing has ever changed that. The moment I left Cheshire, the moment I left Harry he was the first person I thought of. He was the first and only person, who I wanted to be beside me. I know he needs my friendship, just as much as I need his and that's why our friendship works. That's why we're still friends after everything we've been through. We've both needed each other in the past, but I need him now.
He quickly runs his hand through his messy hair, pushing it out of his face. I must have woke him up, I'll apologise for waking him, when I've got a chance to think straight. He bites down on his bottom lip and my stomach flips, thinking how sexy he looks. It's moments like this, the moments when I'm hurt and Harry's betrayed me that I regret not choosing Zayn. I wish I'd chosen him all those years ago, things would be so different now if I had.
He looks away from me and he looks briefly over his shoulder and then his eyes meet mine again. I see guilt shining in his eyes, which tells me he's going to say no. He isn't going to let me stay with him. My bottom lip shakes as he finally opens his mouth to speak. I'm seconds away from releasing my emotions and howling out in misery.
"I'm so sorry" he says quietly "You can't stay, I can't let you stay here."
His words rub salt into my open wounds, which were already created by Harry. I try and swallow the lump back in my front, holding back my tears and I press my lips together firmly, stopping them from shaking. I need to keep my emotion in, I need to keep it under lock. I swallow back my tears, taking a deep breath and I fight every emotion that's desperate to burst out.
The fresh feeling of rejection hits me like a tidal wave and humiliation washes over me again. I had to deal with these same feelings earlier with Harry and now I'm going through it again with Zayn. I never thought in a million years that Zayn would make me feel this way too.
I don't want to know why I can't stay, but I need to know why. I need to know so I can use it to my strength. Why is he going back on his word? I don't understand why he lied to me or how he can leave me and Freddy out in the cold.
"Why? Why can't we stay?" I ask.
I hold my head high, acting strong, but that's all it is, an act. I'm strong on the outside, but desperate and weak on the inside. I want to jump on him, dig my nails into his skin and cling to him, until he changes his mind. How can I make him change his mind? Does he want me to beg? The way I'm feeling right now I'll get down on my knees and beg for him to take us in.
"Perrie's here, she's staying here" he tells me quietly "We're back together, I'm trying to make things work with her. She'll go crazy if she knows you're here, I don't need that. I want to help you, I really do, but I need to make things work with her this time. I gave you the chance to be with me, but you chose him. This time I've got to be selfish, I've got to pick Perrie."
My bottom lip quivers again, when I realise I've lost him. The strong person I pride myself on being on the outside has gone and all that's left is the real me. The Sienna who just wants to be loved, I just want someone to really love me. I want someone to look after me and I thought that person was Zayn. I guess I was wrong, I was wrong about him.
I've finally lost Zayn and I can't get him back. I know I'm being selfish in wanting him to be alone, so that he's there whenever I need him. I want him to wait for me, I want him to be on standby. I hate myself for thinking these things because this is how Harry thinks. I hate that I could be even remotely like him.
I stare at him, ready to speak, but out of nowhere a look of horror fills his face. I quickly learn why as Perrie appears beside him, surprising me too. He recovers quickly and he looks at her and then he looks back at me. She doesn't look at him though, her gaze is fixed on me and I reluctantly look at her. We were once friends and I ruined that. She made her peace with me, when she wasn't with Zayn, but things are different now. She has no reason to trust me, especially near her boyfriend. If I was her I wouldn't trust me either.
I don't understand why they've got back together, after all of this time. They don't work, they didn't work before I came along. Zayn can't be trusted in the same way that Harry can't be trusted either. They should've given up by now, like Harry and I finally have.
"What're you doing here?" she asks.
She tries to smile at me, speaking softly, but I can tell she isn't happy that I'm here. I can't blame her for that, I wouldn't be as dignified as her if ours roles were reversed. I'd have probably screamed at her and scratched her eyes out by now. Luckily, she's a much better person than I am.
"I came to speak to Zayn" I say weakly.
I refuse to cry in front of her and give her even the slightest bit of satisfaction. She'd love to see me cry, I know she would. Her face screws up in confusion as she stares back at me, tilting her head to the side. I hate how pretty she is even without makeup on. I know I look like complete shit compared to her.
"What? In the middle of the night?" she asks.
She raises her perfectly groomed eyebrows at me, making me take a small step back from the door. I look over at Zayn, hoping for some support, but all I see is sorrow in his eyes. I know he's sorry that he can't help and that he can't keep his promise to me. I know he has to put himself first and I almost admire him for that. I admire that he wants to make himself happy, before anyone else. He can't invite me in or let me stay, when he's trying to make things work with her.
"I need to go" I tell them "I'm sorry for disturbing you."
I'm not sorry for disturbing them, I'm sorry that I made a fool of myself. I turn around and I make my way back to my waiting taxi. There's a part of me, which expects Zayn to run after me and to stop me from leaving. He doesn't come after me though, nor is another word spoken between the three of us.
They let me walk away, with my baby in the middle of the night. They don't know where I'm going and they don't care. Nobody cares about us and the only positive I can take from this is that I know now where I stand, so I'll never make this mistake again.
I open the taxi door, securing Freddy's car seat on the back seat and I climb inside beside him. The taxi driver doesn't say anything, once I've shut the door behind me. He quickly pulls out and he drives away from Zayn's house. I'm relieved and disappointed when we drive away. I don't know where I'm going and I feel lost when I stare out of the window. I don't know what to do anymore.
My heart aches, feeling hurt that my friend won't be there for me anymore. I've got to accept that he's moved on though and he's living his own life. I hope it works out for him and that he'll be happy. I genuinely do want him to be happy, even if I can't be involved.
"Where to now, love?" the taxi driver finally asks me.
I stare ahead focusing on his face through the mirror and I try to think where I can go now. I'm not sure who else I can lean on or who else will even want me near them. The only thing I know is I don't want to be alone, but right now it feels like my only option.
Harry's POV
There's complete silence here, no wonder it's the middle of the night and everyone else is sleeping. Everything seems so quiet without Sienna and Freddy here and I don't like it. I don't like this feeling of being alone, but I try not to think about it too much. I can hardly think at all with how badly my head is aching, after everything that's happened tonight. How did everything manage to so quickly spiral out of control?
I stare around my brightly lit room, unable to sleep. I tried to sleep, but my mind was too awake, so I couldn't shut off. I thought the painkillers I'd take for my hand would knock me out, but even they haven't helped me to sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see Sienna's face and that's when the pain in my chest starts. I can't help missing her already. I can't help thinking about her, wondering where she is and who she's with. I shouldn't have sent her away, I shouldn't have let her leave.
FUCK!!!!
I'm pissing myself off now with this constant back and forth shit. This is why it's so hard to move on from her. The second we're not together, the moment we're parted is when I start to miss her. I feel pain, physical pain inside me because I miss her so much. How is this even possible? How can I go from hating her when she's here to missing her so much when she's gone?
I stare at my phone, my thumb hovering over her name, ready to call her. I'm so tempted just to call her and tell her to come back, but something inside convinces me it isn't a good idea. I need this time apart, so I can get my life back in order. I wouldn't achieve anything from calling her, not now. I had my chance to stop her from leaving and I didn't stop her. I've gone this far now, which is the main damage, so I need to stick to this decision.
I knock off her name, returning to the home screen, where a picture of Freddy stares back at me. I stare at it feeling deflated knowing he isn't here. I'm about to get up and turn the light off, but before I can there's a light knock on my bedroom door. There's a small part of me which expects the door to open and Sienna to be stood at the other side. The door opens and my mum stands at the other side instead, which realistically is the only person it could be. She gives me a weak smile, even though she has black bags under her eyes. I hate that I always bring shit to her door, whenever I'm back home. I wouldn't blame her if she refused to let me stay here anymore, but she's my mum, so she'll never actually say no to me.
She walks into the room, shutting the door quietly behind her. She walks over to me bed, perching on the edge of the bed at the bottom, so she is facing me. I sit up properly and I make sure my phone is locked, turning it over, so the screen is face down. I don't say anything, staring down at the quilt and I wait for the lecture to start. I wait for her to tell me how much of a mess I've made of everything and for her to tell me to get my life in order. I'll take whatever she throws at me because I know I deserve it. I deserve all the shit she says to me.
"I saw your light on from beneath the door" she says to me "I couldn't sleep either."
I stare down at my hand, picking at the bits of skin around my nail. I focus intently on it, like it's the most interesting thing in the world. I don't know what I'm meant to say to her, not about Sienna at least. She wouldn't understand why I've done this, nobody will understand what's going on inside my head.
"How're you feeling?"
I don't know how I'm feeling, not really and I wouldn't know how to put it into words. I'm hurt and upset, but I can't cry. I can't make any tears come at all, which makes me feel worse. Surely, I should be crying over her leaving. It feels like something inside me isn't right any more, like a piece of me is missing. I know that the piece that's missing is her, it's always her that's missing when she isn't here. What am I meant to do though when the thing I need the most is the thing that's destroying me?
"I'm okay" I answer simply.
That's the only thing I can say to her, I can't go into detail about how I feel. I can't tell her how shit I feel when I was the one who did this. How can I expect sympathy when I know Sienna will be hurting more than I am?
"She doesn't deserve this, you know that don't you?" she asks.
I know she doesn't deserve it, I don't need a lecture and for her to make me feel any worse than I already do. I've never claimed that she deserves it. I love her, I really do, but loving her is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
"She deserves to be happy, you both do, but that doesn't mean you should be together. You know as well as I do that she needs more than you can give her. She needs you to set her free and to let her find love with someone else, who can give her everything she needs. I know you love her and she loves you, but you're killing each other. You keep building her up and knocking her back down. She can't keep surviving it, she can't keep picking herself back up. She needs more than this, you need to see that."
I know she's right, but it's so fucking hard accepting it. It's hard accepting that firstly she's better off without me and I'm better off without her. Secondly, it's hard accepting all the blame, taking responsibility for this constant back and forth shit. We're both to blame in this, she's to blame too.
"I let her go, didn't I?" I state, harsher than I intended.
She raises her eyebrows at me, giving me a knowing look. My mum knows me better than anyone else and better than I know myself at times. She knows what my intentions have been and that I plan for this break to only be temporary. She knows how this'll work and that I'll go crawling back again, like I always do. I won't consider Sienna's life or whether taking her back is right or wrong for her. Sienna will fall back into my trap, like she always does and this vicious cycle will start back up again.
"Harry, letting her leave isn't the same as letting her go. If you really love her, then you'll cut the chain you've got her on and you'll stop holding onto her. You need to stop this cycle, stop all of this pain and hurt for her and you."
I don't want to let her go, not forever. My mum's right though and as I look back at her, I mean really look back at her, I know I have to listen. I have to do the right thing for once. I need to step up and do the right thing. I need to finally let Sienna go.
Sienna's POV
The taxi driver talks to me as he keeps driving. I don't respond to him, I just listen to him, which he doesn't seem to mind. I don't think I'd be able to get a word in edgeways anyway. I've learnt so far that he's 42 years old, he's been married for twenty plus years and he's madly in love with his wife still. His words give me some light, reminding me that true love does exist in some instances.
He speaks so fondly of his wife, a smile forming on his lips when he talks about her, which I can see in the mirror. I wonder if that'll be me one day, if someone will talk about me in the same way he talks about his wife. Will I ever find true everlasting love? My heart sinks as I realise that isn't the kind of love I have with Harry, even though I desperately want it to be.
My phone goes off and I pull it out of my pocket, seeing I have a text message. I can't help hoping it's from Harry, even just him asking if we're okay. I unlock my phone and I'm disappointed to see the text is from Zayn, not Harry.
'I'm sorry x'
I feel bitter knowing that's it, those two words are all I'm worth. He's quickly sent me a text message, a quick sorry is all he could be bothered to send me. There's no explanation, no expenditure on what's happened, just a simple sorry. He said he'd always be there for me and that he'd always be by my side, but that was a lie. I know he needs to work things out with Perrie, but it still hurts. I didn't think I'd be so easily forgotten.
The loneliness and pain seem to multiply by the hour. I need someone beside me, I need a friend to lean on, and who can get me through this. I need support because I can't do this on my own, I'm not strong enough. I need someone to get me through this and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I try to focus on the taxi driver, who's now telling me where he's going on holiday this year. I can't listen to him anymore though. I'm too tense and I'm on edge, worrying about what I'll do if Niall isn't home. What if I get there and he isn't in?
I need to see his familiar smile, his friendly face and I need to feel the warmth of his hug. I need him to tell me it'll all be okay. I just hope he has room for us, even if it's just for a night. I can't stand the thought of being alone now, not tonight.
I look back at my phone, deciding I need to tell Zayn what I think. I need him to know that he's hurt me, even though I understand why. My words won't change anything, but I need him to know how I feel.
'I don't know how you could leave me out in the cold with Freddy. You said you'd always be there for us, me and him. I suppose you've changed, but then again we both have. I know you want things to work with Perrie and I hope they do. Take care.'
I send the text, letting my thoughts and feelings be sent to Zayn. I hope he knows he's hurt me, but at the same time I wish him all the best. I hope he realises he was wrong to promise me things he couldn't keep and I hope he doesn't do the same to someone else in future.
I don't expect a response from him, there isn't anything left to say. He wouldn't even know how to respond to me and he probably can't respond with Perrie there. He'll just delete my message, like I never even sent it and he'll act like I was never even there tonight. I wish I'd never gone there tonight, but there's a lot of things I wish were different.
I lean over to Freddy, checking he's okay and thankfully he still sleeps soundly. He's completely oblivious to the carnage and chaos that surrounds him. He doesn't know that his dad doesn't want us, neither of us. That fact hurts me, but it'll never hurt him. I'll do all I can to shield him from the cruelty of the world. I'll take all the pain and every blow, anything to protect him.
I sit back in my seat, scrolling through my contacts until I find Niall's name. I press his name, calling him again and I feel on edge when he doesn't answer. The call keeps ringing, until eventually it goes through to his voicemail, but I end the call not leaving a message. I've got a horrible sick feeling inside, which tells me he isn't going to be in. I don't know where else I can go if he isn't in because I've burnt most of my bridges with anyone else I know in London. I've hurt nearly everyone I know all because of me and him, Harry.
The taxi soon pulls up onto Niall's street and I direct the taxi driver to Niall's house. He stops the car outside his house and when I look through the window I see all the lights are off, which isn't a good sign.
"I'll just check if he's in, if that's okay?" I ask the taxi driver.
"No problem love."
I undo my seatbelt and then Freddy's car seat. I carefully take hold of the handle and I carefully climb out of the car with him. I shut the taxi door behind us, quickly making my way through Niall's gate and up his garden path. I reach the door, pressing the doorbell and I wait hoping Niall's home. I wait impatiently, trying to peer through the glass in the door, but I see nothing. The door doesn't open and my heart sinks again.
I press the doorbell again, several times in hope. It doesn't matter how many times I press it, nobody is going to answer. A few minutes later I finally give up, knowing he isn't going to answer. He isn't here and I've no idea where he is, but even worse I've no idea where to go now.
I slowly make my way back to my waiting taxi, feeling deflated and completely defeated. The familiar lonely feeling is back and I'm terrified. I'm terrified that the voices in my head will return and I don't know how I'll cope. I don't know if I can cope in that dark place again. A sharp stabbing pain returns to my heart as tears flood down my face and this time I don't even try to stop them. Where can we go now?
Harry's POV
I still can't sleep, even now with my bedroom filled with darkness. I sigh rolling over, trying to get comfortable, but it's no use. I open my eyes, staring into the darkness and wondering how everything came to this, again. How did everything in my life go so wrong?
This is what loves does to you, it fucks everything up. It complicates everything and makes everything twice as hard. If I could go back in time and change what's happened I would. I'd never have fallen in love because that's when everything started to go wrong. I knew love was trouble, I always did. It hasn't helped me, all love has done is ruin me.
It's all too late though because I stupidly did fall in love. I fell in love with Sienna and I can't change that now. I can't just turn off my feelings for her. I can't even make myself stop thinking about her, every thought makes every passing second feel worse. My mind is fixated by her, like it always has been when we're parted.
I reach for my phone, an overwhelming feeling of worry filling me. I need to know where she is and who she's staying with. I knock off the missed calls, which have been going off whilst it's been on silent on my bedside table. I'm not interested in who's been calling me, I know it isn't Sienna. I quickly find her name in my contacts list and I stare at her name, trying to decide again if I should call her or not.
I should call her to check if Freddy is okay at least. I should see if she sounds okay and find out if she's missing me like I'm missing her. I can't help remembering the words my mum said to me, telling me to let her go. I know I need to let her go, but if that's the right thing to do why is it so hard?
I jump as my phone starts to flash, vibrating in my hand. I stare at it feeling irritated as the same name shows up again. Why the fuck is she still calling me? I reject the call, not wanting to speak to her or anyone else for that matter.
My phone immediately starts ringing again and once again I reject the call. Why won't she get the fucking message?! I don't want to talk to her. How many of her calls do I have to ignore and reject for her to get the message?
I sit up in bed, rubbing my face with my hands, trying to release some tension. I can't call Sienna, I can't do this to her again. I need to pull myself together, I need to let her go. I just know without her the only light I can see is the last thing I need. They say don't they that once an addict, always an addict. I've stopped one addiction in letting her go. How do I stop myself from turning to another?
Sienna's POV
I close the door behind me, finally alone. The taxi driver was amazing, taking me to a hotel, which was my third and final destination. I didn't want to disturb anyone else, not that there was anyone in particular who I could have gone to. I'd used up all my options and being alone was the only option I had left.
The taxi driver was so good to me, he helped me inside the hotel with all of my things. I gave him a huge tip, which he didn't want to take, but I made him. He was so thankful and it made me feel good, something I haven't felt in a while. I'll never forget the kindness of that stranger after a long and painful night.
The suite is filled with our things and I know I need to be quick in putting everything away, before Freddy wakes up. He'll be waking up for a feed anytime now. I start to put things away and I set up his travel cot, making up the sheets, so he can sleep comfortably. I set it up in the bedroom, which is brightly painted and has a huge king sized bed.
I get Freddy out of his car seat and I lay him in the travel cot, when it's all set up. He sleeps soundly still and I stand overlooking him, watching him sleep. I wish he could be little forever, so he'd never have to learn how harsh and cruel the world can be. I'll always be her for him though, no matter what happens. I'll never make my parents mistakes.
I leave him to sleep and I take my time in unpacking our things, hanging clothes up in the wardrobe and preparing Freddy's bottle for when he wakes up. I feel lost, once everything is put away and there's nothing else for me to do. I don't know what to do with myself now.
I sit on the bed, staring into space and overthinking everything, like I always do. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have Freddy. I wouldn't have anything to live for if it wasn't for him. I keep checking my phone, hoping to find a text message from Niall or maybe even Zayn or Harry, but there's nothing. There's nobody who wants to talk to me or to see if I'm okay.
I'll have to stay here for a week, maybe just over that. My house should be ready by then, so I'll just move in there with Freddy when it's done and Harry will have to find his own place. I might even hear from Niall, so if I do I'll stay with him until my house is ready. If not though I'll stay here alone, which I'll have to get used to.
I scroll through the text messages on my phone, going onto the thread of texts between me and Harry. I read through them, going back to some older messages we'd sent to one another, when Freddy was in hospital. The older messages are so different to the recent ones I've got from him. The older ones are filled with pet names like 'babe' and 'princess'. The most recent texts are no longer filled with kisses and declarations of love. They're just simple one worded messages, pointless and rushed. He didn't want to speak to me, just replying to my messages to appease me. Why am I only seeing it now?
I just want to feel something back, I want to feel some love back from him even now. He doesn't love me though, not like he used to do. I wish I could feel his love again, even if it was just for a while. I miss that uncontrollable feeling of someone loving you beyond any control, like he once felt for me. I start to type a text message to him, he should know Freddy is safe. He might not love me anymore, but somewhere inside he must still love Freddy.
'We're staying in a hotel, Freddy misses you xo'
I may not get a reply, but at least I've tried. I've at least tried to contact him and let him know where we are. I just can't help wanting a reply, wanting something from Harry as always.
Harry's POV
My phone goes off again and I reluctantly pick it up, expecting a text message from her. I'm surprised when I see a message showing from Sienna. I read the text message, eager to see what she's sent me. I immediately feel bad, thinking about her in a hotel alone after everything that's happened. Even though I've been a prick, she's still trying to make things better for me by saying Freddy misses me. He doesn't understand either way, but it's nice to see the words.
'I miss him too, I miss you both.x'
I know I'm trying to let her go, but I can't handle her thinking I feel nothing when I do. I don't want her to think this is all easy for me. I honestly do miss her, I miss everything about her. I miss her smell, her smile and the way she looks at me and Freddy. That look of pure devotion, which I don't ever want to forget.
My phone vibrates again and I expect to see a message from Sienna, but the text message isn't from her. This message is from her, the one who won't stop calling me. The one who keeps distracting me from my real life because of a stupid fucking mistake.
I open up the message and my blood runs cold as I read the words wrote to me. My stomach twists and my throat becomes dry as my heart races. Oh fuck! I feel sick, sick to the pit of my stomach as I hold my hand to my forehead. This can't be happening! It can't be true. This has to be some kind of sick joke!
I keep re-reading over the message, trying to let it sink in and it quickly hits me, realising this isn't a joke. She's being serious, deadly serious and I'm in deep shit.
'You can't ignore me forever Harry! I'm pregnant, with your baby and the sooner you acknowledge that the easier this will all be!'
A/N – Hey guys I just wanted to say thank you if you're reading this. I haven't been updating because of health issues, but thankfully all is good and all results are clear! I'll be back updating regularly from now. I appreciate all the kindness and kind words! Much love xx