Title: Return of the 13th Zodiac
Author: earlfangs
First Impressions
Title: Return of the 13th Zodiac is a pretty functional title. It sums up the main conflict of the book and it's fairly unique that it can stand out a bit. However, I would say hearing the title, it made me think this was a Western-inspired fantasy rather than an East Asian-inspired one. I was taken off guard when I first saw the cover to be honest. I can see though that you have influences from both west and east here so that's really just a minor thing.
Cover: I like the art on the cover. It shows us the characters and shows off their character. They both look like cunning characters and it seems there's an interesting relationship happening or will happen between the two. I do like the fact that the background is simple enough to not make the art too crowded. However, the title is very crowded. The black script font over the other font makes it hard to read, as the green and black of the text are just mixing for me. I suggest removing one of the two fonts, probably the script font. The text placement is also a bit weird, and the author's name squished on the top is also a bit hard to see and read.
Blurb: First line is fine. It sums up what kind of world this is (swords and magic), giving us an idea of the genre. And then gives us a clue as to who the main characters are, their main personality trait (vengeful), and what their motivation is. I do wish that the "ultimate goal" is a bit more specific rather than vague? Like say, since you mentioned they're vengeful, I would think their ultimate goal is revenge. That could be just said out clearly by saying "...to achieve their ultimate goal of revenge." and it attracts readers who are out looking for revenge stories.
As for the extended blurb, the transitions work, but also confused me a bit. I assume based on the blurb that Ophiuchus is a clan and that they've become fallen. If so, then for the third sentence in the first paragraph, you could just word it like this:
"Shu Yue, the scion of Ophiuchus, conceals her true identity in pursuit of power and revenge."
It's clearer and isn't repetitive by mentioning clan again after already mentioning it in the previous sentence. If Shu Yue isn't the scion of Ophiuchus, then the structure of this paragraph is confusing and I would suggest revamping it.
The second paragraph is fine, it gives us an idea of Shu Yue's character and her skills. It also gives us an idea of how deep her motivation is in regards to pursuing her goal. She's relentless, and will not stop even if it means making herself the enemy of an entire empire. And readers who are attracted to that type of character can get attracted to that part.
However, the transition to the third paragraph is a bit clunky? I feel like the first sentence fits better elsewhere and you could transition between the Shu Yue paragraph to the Liwei paragraph in a smoother way. As such:
[ first paragraph, setting up Ophiuchus ]
Ophiuchus has fallen. The clan lost its honor and status when the seventh-generation leader was executed for treason.
[ setting up Shu Yue's character, goal and motivations ]
Shu Yue, the scion of Ophiuchus, conceals her true identity in pursuit of power and revenge. Armed with her clan's secret martial art, a sharp wit, and a faithful fox-human servant, the ambitious heiress seeks to regain their former glory, even if it means making herself an enemy of the entire empire.
[ setting up a conflict; sets up Liwei and the mystery to his character ]
However, another player emerges—a spirit beast named Liwei, whose presence changes the whole game. Whether he's a predator, prey, or companion, Shu Yue has yet to determine.
[ final hook line establishing the general premise of the book: the battle for honor and glory ]
One after another, players appear on the board, each with their own agenda to pursue. And so, the battle for honor and glory begins.
I would say the only thing I would like for you to add is the how of Liwei. Like, how does his presence change everything? I would like there to be a little hint, or clue. Or at least more characterization of Liwei in the blurb, seeing that I assume he's being set up as the second main character here. You could do something like "...a cunning spirit beast named Liwei."
All in all, the blurb is pretty fine and it works well enough that people who like East Asian-inspired fantasies or revenge stories may get hooked.
General Thoughts
I would say the first thing I really noted in your work was the main character Shu Yue. I really like her. I find her cool and confident and badass, and just a joy to follow. She has a lot of personality just from the first chapter and it gives me as a reader something to enjoy. I like that she's distinct as a character right from the get go and that you're teasing the readers with more to come with her, with her backstory and her current goal being not outright stated. I can also see a lot of potential as to where her character could go, with a lot of her positive traits being easily twisted into a weakness. I'm excited to see what direction you would take this character and how.
Other than Shu Yue, I would say another facet of your work that I enjoyed is your worldbuilding. I can see the thought put behind this Chinese fantasy-inspired world and I enjoy all the tiny details, from the belt colors to the various martial techniques. The way they're expositioned is a bit clunky at times, but overall it's fairly functional to read.
As for the plot and pacing, I don't have much to say to be honest. Every chapter so far has something important happening and therefore it feels fairly quick, but not rushed as there's time to breathe. Every chapter is fairly adequate in length and they function pretty well. I can see that every chapter is a part of Shu Yue's journey to reach her goal. So yeah, I don't have much to say. I do like that there's little mysteries per chapter and how I can see it'll eventually connect to the overarching plot.
Breakdown
Chapter 1
The first line is a bit off to me. It makes sense, and I do get that it's chopped up for the drama, but at the same time, it's way too noticeable that it's cut up for that purpose and that grammatically it doesn't make much sense. Perhaps you can reword the sentence to include all three characteristics with the proper dramaticness but without making it too obviously grammatically incorrect?
Like so:
Tall, muscular, and with a huge sword.
That was her opponent.
But to be honest that's a minor nitpick. The first line works pretty well and I also like the "That was her opponent." that comes after it that adds even more drama.
After that, we get introduced directly into an action scene, which is not a new thing to do but is still a pretty effective hook. I am curious why you had to add "As usual." in the third paragraph? It's not really needed, but sure I guess.
My problem is that the first scene gets bogged down a bit with the exposition. There's a lot of info suddenly dumped onto you and it kills the momentum of the opening sentences. What you could do is move the exposition around a bit? So it doesn't feel like it cuts off the flow of the descriptions. Like so:
"Introduce yourselves, participants!" bellowed the elderly man dressed in a gray robe with his silver hair in a high bun. Lu Baiyu stood in front of the crowd, his eyes focused on the two contestants.
[ By doing this sentence structure, you get to infer that he's the host and his name is Lu Baiyu without outright having to have a sentence saying "He's the host." The use of the word contestants also hints that this is a contest / competition, without having to say that it is one. My only problem is the part of "his eyes focused on the two contestants" which is like... repetitive with the next paragraph's "their gaze fixed on the stage" That's because I ran out of ideas on how to describe the host hahaha. ]
I think the whole section of Shu Yue being used to be a part of the audience and the whole explanation of sparring could be integrated better? Again, it kinda cuts off the flow of the scene. It starts with a high momentum, but then you click a pause button to explain stuff then play the scene again. That's how it feels with the current structure. What could be done is put the information through context clues. Perhaps have the host talk? Like, "This is the nth battle of today's competition! Whoever wins shall obtain the legendary soul-binding scroll!" or something along those lines. It makes for more natural exposition and makes the scene continuous rather than choppy.
I do like the characterization of Shu Yue even just from this first chapter. She definitely seems like someone who is confident and smart, with a relentless energy to get what she wants. She's also observant and analytical and I like how you showed that in the battle scene. The analytical personality of Shu Yue definitely makes the exposition in the battle make sense. I'm just going to warn you to not go overboard with it however, as it can cut the flow of action scenes if you put too much of her analysis in there.
Other than initial exposition, I do think the rest of the chapter's exposition is fairly well-integrated. Like firstly, the ranks thing and the world's perspectives on warriors and magi. The subtle introduction of Xiao Ran is also nice as well as the hints to her goal which will drive the story.
Chapter 2
First off, I already noticed you used the adverb "softly" two times fairly close to each other. Adverbs aren't inherently bad but it's definitely noticeable if you use the same one just after you used it. Be careful of redundancy as it can affect the flow of reading for some people. You can also look at your sentence structure if it's too repetitive. For example, when you were describing Xiao Ran, I felt that your structure was a bit repetitive.
Xiao Ran had been Shu Yue's assigned bodyguard since she was six years old. He was five years older than she was. He was a hybrid of a fox spirit and a human.
The last two sentences repeat the structure of "He was this." making it a bit clunky to read. It could be edited to make it flow better by removing the redundancy of the structure. For example:
Xiao Ran had been Shu Yue's assigned bodyguard since she was six years old. He was five years older than her and a hybrid of a fox spirit and a human.
Or
Xiao Ran was a hybrid of a fox spirit and a human. He was her assigned bodyguard ever since he was eleven and she was six.
Or something along those lines. You can play around with it to be honest.
The story behind the bamboo sword is definitely interesting and I do love that you give us a bit more background to Shu Yue's family, which I believe is important. Because so far, I can see that her family is a huge reason for her motivation to pursue this goal of hers. So as the reader, we need to be shown the bonds she has/had with her family in order to feel more connected with Shu Yue and root for her goal. We need to feel the same desperation Shu Yue has in restoring honor to her clan's name.
Other than that I do love the various worldbuilding you've done in this chapter and how it made the world feel more alive. The belt thing was cool and I love using such a detail to signify strength, especially for later chapters. I do wish you gave us a bit more perspective on how much six hundred gold coins are worth? Give us some comparison, like how much does the average middle class family here earn? Because just giving us these high numbers yet no scale to compare it to makes it a little hard to swallow.
I also do like how you're slowly opening up the idea of chi and internal energy to the readers. As a reader of xianxia/wuxia works, I'm not unfamiliar with the terms but some people who may read this may not be familiar and so I like the idea of giving context clues about how it works to them, while not explicitly stating what it is (because, why would anyone in this world explain something that's such a common facet of their life?)
Outside of worldbuilding, I do like the fact that you're further characterizing Shu Yue. I love her confidence and how she analyzes the situation. Xiao Ran also has the same confidence in her and himself which I like. I especially like how you managed to set up Xiao Ran's closeness and loyalty to Shu Yue in this chapter. To be honest I chuckled at the "That impudent human!" line. Typical servant dialogue but it's also cute.
I do like though that these traits of Shu Yue and Xiao Ran, while positive in their point of view, can be seen as negative traits if spun in another way. Their confidence could become arrogance and their observant behavior can lead to overthinking. They're traits that can be pros but also be cons, and I can't wait to see Shu Yue's confidence get challenged or cause her to suffer consequences because it makes for good conflict.
Chapter 3
The first thing in the beginning of this chapter I noticed is that you kinda switched perspective at around the fourth paragraph. You put lines like "How did she move that fast?" when the pov so far has been third person limited in Shu Yue's perspective. Adding those types of lines confuse the reader because suddenly we're head hopping to a different character without warning. For example:
The woman was looking at her in a different way. She used to be this fierce and bold woman who could bring fear from anyone, but now she was the one who appeared terrified as she stared at the demure woman wearing a fox mask.
Using the words "She used to be" implies familiarity. Shu Yue isn't familiar with this woman so why is she using these words to describe her? It could be easily fixed by removing that line.
The woman was looking at her in a different way. The previously bold and fierce woman was now terrified as she stared at the demure woman wearing a fox mask.
Using the word "previously" is around the same meaning as "used to" but with less familiarity, therefore distancing Shu Yue from the woman. To even make the pov even more personal to Shu Yue, you can remove the distant way of referring to her in third person (aka the "demure woman" line) and just directly refer to her.
The woman was looking at Shu Yue in a different way. The previously bold and fierce woman was now terrified as she stared at her. Shu Yue looked demure, as harmless as a dove. But when she attacked, it was fast, unseen, and deadly.
Like a serpent.
Does all of that make sense? What I'm basically saying is that you should focus your perspective to be in Shu Yue's eyes and therefore use the words Shu Yue would use to describe other people and such. Try to make the descriptions personal to her and her only. It should be all in her "voice". Don't slip into other people's perspective.
We get more of Shu Yue's intellect and confidence in this chapter. Though sometimes I'm close to wondering if she's becoming a bit arrogant. I do like how her analytical side gets time to shine here, and not only that, I like there are some stakes here. It's not gonna be easy for her to get what she wants without making an enemy of other people. There is also a mystery here that she doesn't know the answer yet to and that adds another layer to the chapter and overarching plot. Also I love that you hint in another facet of her character through lines such as "Shu Yue also didn't like the idea of someone else in the clan possessing such powerful martial arts and surpassing her.". All those tiny details weave into making her character as a whole.
Anyway, the conversation between Shu Yue and Dishan is one of my most liked parts so far, as it really gives this chessboard-esque feeling with the two of them having their own schemes and we only know one side of the board. I like how you didn't make Dishan into a one-note strong man character and gave him some depth by showing that he has something up his sleeve that we don't know of. It makes me want to see him clash with Shu Yue for another time, and maybe hope that they become allies.
Summary
All in all, I fairly enjoyed this work! Shu Yue is a fun protagonist to follow and the other seemingly major characters also seem to show some level of depth which I'm excited to see more of. There is a lot of potential here, especially for Shu Yue's character. Will she fall or succeed in her goal? It can go either way and it makes it much more interesting to follow. Just remember that she should fail from time to time.
Other than that, I would say your work is fairly well-written. I enjoyed the prose and the pacing and all that. Would say the exposition gets a little clunky at times. Sometimes it chops up the pacing of your work and gives it a pause. I would've liked for some parts to have been placed somewhere else or more spread out? Other than exposition, there's also sometimes the problem of head hopping, mainly the third chapter, where your words distance themselves from the main pov character Shu Yue.
That's all and thank you for choosing me as your reviewer!! If you have any questions, please feel free to DM me.